Light in the Shadows

by A. Meredith Walters

  “Okay then, I vote for shit being blown up. Rachel is not allowed to suggest that movie about the two best friends where one of them has cancer. I didn’t bring enough tissues for that crap,” Daniel gripped. Maggie smacked his arm.

  “Spoiler alert you ass! I wanted to see that!” Daniel laughed and dodged another punch.

  Rachel rolled her eyes and turned back to Maria. “So, Maria, you’re from Florida? Did you go to school with Clay?” Ah, fuck. Clearly Maggie’s friends weren’t clued into the fact that I knew Maria from the treatment center.

  Maria shot me a look before answering. “Not exactly. I was a patient at the Grayson Center while Clay was there. We had a lot of groups together,” she answered, not shy in the least about announcing to complete strangers that she had been in a psychiatric facility for three months.

  Rachel paled and looked embarrassed. “Oh, that’s nice,” she stuttered, looking away.

  Maria, seeming to revel in Rachel’s mortification, kept on going. “Yeah, I wasn’t there for trying to off myself like our good buddy, Clay, here. I have a bad habit of fucking anything that moves. Of course that’s because of my abusive asshole of a father. So consider me the stereotypical slut with a bad case of Daddy issues.” I choked on my soda and Rachel’s pale face went bright red.

  “Cool it, Maria,” I bit out under my breath. Maria snickered and looked down at her menu. She seemed entirely too pleased with herself.

  “So how long are you visiting for?” Maggie asked, obviously wanting to know how long we’d be have to put up with Maria’s fantastic personality.

  “Just for the night. I have to head back to Alexandria in the morning. My brother lives there and I’m supposed to stay with him for a few days before flying back to Florida. But I think I kind of like Virginia. I may have to extend my stay,” Maria smiled at me and I looked away.

  Yeah, that was the last thing I needed.

  The waitress came and took our orders. Maria complained about the greasy food on the menu and took forever to finally decide on a salad.

  While we waited on our food, Rachel attempted more small talk. She asked Maria questions about Florida. Maria gave short, one word answers. After several conversation nonstarters, Rachel gave up and sat quietly drinking her milk shake. Daniel and Maggie were engaged in their own discussion about soccer.

  “I thought you were going to try to be nice? Enough with the Cruella Deville act!” I whispered. Maria narrowed her eyes at me but didn’t say anything.

  Once our food arrived, everyone seemed to be in complete agreement and inhaled our meals. No one seemed particularly keen on spending anymore time sitting there in awkward silence. Maggie looked pissed and I didn’t blame her. Maria was causing some serious drama and I would be giving her a piece of my mind about this later. Maria’s unmedicated self was not particularly likable. And I was able to see for the first time, how horrible it must have been to be around me when I refused to take my meds.

  I felt like shit for putting Maggie, Ruby and Lisa through that for so long.

  Daniel and Rachel followed us to the movie theater in the next town. Maggie didn’t even bother trying to talk to Maria, the line in the dirt was drawn and neither girl was going to step over it. These two were definitely not destined to be best friends anytime soon.

  Maria was acting like a jealous girlfriend. And my actual girlfriend simply ignored me. Super fucking fantastic.

  I bought tickets for Maggie and myself. Maybe I should have offered to pay for Maria but at this point, I didn’t want to give her any ideas. While Maggie went the restroom and Maria went to get some popcorn, Rachel and I waited for Daniel, who was talking to a few guys from school.

  “So you were in treatment with Maria?” Rachel asked. I looked down at the much shorter girl and she seemed really uncomfortable. We didn’t have the type of relationship that allowed for deep discussion. And I had never contemplated talking about my time in Florida with her.

  “Yeah,” I answered briefly. Rachel shuffled her feet on the ground.

  “I don’t mean to be rude or anything, but what’s her deal? She seems, I don’t know, weird I guess.” That was the understatement of the year.

  I looked over at women’s restroom, hoping Maggie would come out and save me from this conversation. No such luck.

  “She’s not taking her medication for starters. I had no idea she’d be like this when I said she could come for a visit. Maria wasn’t like this in treatment. Trust me; I’d never have been friends with someone who acts the way she is acting tonight. She really is a nice girl. A screwed up girl. But she means well, deep down,” I found myself defending Maria.

  Rachel chewed on her lip thoughtfully. “I believe you. That just sucks she’s not taking care of herself. I can tell she’s probably pretty cool underneath all that other stuff.” Rachel surprised me with her astuteness.

  “Yeah, she is. I’m really sorry about all of this though,” I said. Rachel gave me a smile.

  “Don’t apologize. It’s fine. I just feel for Maggie. She hides her insecurity well, but I know this whole thing has to be bothering her,” Rachel said, meeting my eyes.

  “We both have some issues to sort out with the whole jealousy thing, I suppose,” I said. Rachel and I stood there quietly and I noticed a girl with long blonde hair approach Daniel and put her hand on his arm. The guys he was talking to all exchanged looks and I wondered who the hell that was and why Rachel wasn’t marching over there and pulling the other girl’s hair out.

  Rachel was watching them and she did seem a bit tenser, but she didn’t move. “Who’s that?” I asked, indicating the girl. Daniel had purposefully moved away from her and seemed to be extremely unhappy with the chick trying to touch him.

  “That’s Kylie Good,” Rachel explained and it all made sense. Daniel’s ex-girlfriend tried to say something to him but he wasn’t having it. He turned to the guys and said something, his back to Kylie in clear dismissal.

  “Does that bother you? Seeing some other girl hit on him like that?” I asked, honestly curious as to how she was staying in check. Fuck, if that was Maggie and Jake I would be losing my freaking mind about now. I was beyond impressed with Rachel’s self-control.

  Rachel shrugged. “It bothers me. But there’s no point in getting upset about it. Daniel isn’t interested in Kylie. She can play her stupid little games and it doesn’t change the fact that he’s with me. So what’s the point of getting jealous? Either you trust someone or you don’t.” My mouth fell open in disbelief.

  “Man, I could use some of your logical thinking the next time Jake eye fucks my girlfriend,” I joked but I was deadly serious. I wished I could get to where Rachel was at. I just didn’t know if I had it in me right now to be so level headed.

  Rachel put her hand on my arm. “You have nothing to worry about where Jake is concerned. Maggie has always only had eyes for you. That jealousy crap is about you, not her,” she said sagely. And I wondered whether my insurance company should be paying her instead of Shaemus. This chick was wise.

  Maria joined us then, a drink and a box of milk duds in her hands. “I thought you didn’t eat junk food, Maria,” I commented. Maria smiled sheepishly.

  “Ah, well you know. When in Rome,” she said. Maggie came out of the bathroom and Daniel headed back to our group, without saying another word to Kylie. Rachel was right not to worry about Daniel, that dude was so whipped, if I wasn’t in the same boat with Maggie, I’d give him shit about it.

  After the movie, I drove Maggie and Maria back to my house. Ruby was home so we sat with her and watched TV for a while. Maggie’s frostiness thawed a bit once she was around my aunt. Ruby seemed more like her old self. She talked about things at the shop and even pulled out her Tarot cards to give Maria a reading.

  When it was time for Maggie to leave, I left Maria with Ruby and walked her out to her car. Maria had called out a goodbye but didn’t say anything else. “Mags, I’m so sorry about Maria this evening. I know that had t
o be hard for you,” I said once we got to her car.

  “Well a day in Disney World it wasn’t, but that’s not your fault. I just don’t like leaving, knowing she’ll be under the same roof as you all night. She could try to crawl into your bed while you’re sleeping or something,” she teased, but I could tell she was barely containing her jealousy.

  I pulled her into my arms. “If she does that shit, I’ll kick her ass out. Friend or not. There’s only one girl allowed in my bed,” I kissed her deeply, feeling instant relief as she parted her lips and let my tongue slide into her mouth. My hand snaked up her back and tangled in her hair.

  “Sorry if I wasn’t Miss Molly Sunshine. I guess I could have tried harder to be nice,” Maggie said after breaking away. I hugged her tightly to my chest.

  “You were perfect, you always are,” I assured her and she snorted.

  “And you are ridiculous. But thank you. I’ll see you tomorrow,” Maggie gave me another kiss and I waited until her car disappeared before I returned to the house.

  Ruby had gone up to bed and Maria was thumbing through a magazine. “Girlfriend gone?” she asked without looking up.

  “Yeah, Maggie left. And I’m going to tell you right now, Maria, you’re behavior tonight was really fucking shitty. I don’t care what reasons you had, you don’t come to my home, my town, around my friends and act like a bitch. This person I see right now, she isn’t the Maria I became friends with at Grayson’s,” I told her feeling myself get angry.

  Maria dropped the magazine on the table. “I know. But being who I was at Grayson’s doesn’t work for me out here. Who I am now doesn’t get hurt. She makes her own rules. It’s the only way I can survive,” she admitted softly, her face more open and vulnerable than it had been since she had arrived.

  I sat down beside her on the couch. “Yeah, but at least you were being honest with yourself while you were at Grayson’s. This whole I’m-a-bitch-don’t-fuck-with-me act will only leave you miserable and alone. I should know. I’ve spent way too much time pushing people away,” I said, seeing way too much of myself in the girl who sat beside me.

  Her brokenness covered by rough defiance was entirely too familiar. “And you need to get back on your medication,” I told her sternly and she rolled her eyes to the ceiling.

  “Jeesh, Clay, you’re not my parent. Because if you were, you wouldn’t be giving a shit about anything I do.” Maria tried to hide the tears in her eyes by looking away.

  “We really are a fucked up pair, you and me. Way too many Mommy and Daddy issues and way too much self-loathing. You’re heading into a bad place. I can see it; I’ve been there enough times myself,” I hated to see my friend like this and it was unfortunately triggering something else in me.

  A reminder of how much I had screwed up in my own life. Of the person I still was deep down. And I felt the all too familiar pain in my gut. Maria didn’t respond. I don’t know if it was because I had made her think about her behavior or whether she had just shut down.

  “I’m tired, I’m going to bed. I have to get up and leave early. So I’ll see you in the morning,” Maria said abruptly, getting to her feet.

  And I was left in the wake of it all, feeling like I had come face to face with a person who was more like me than I wanted to admit.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  -Clay-

  Maria left the following morning without saying goodbye. There wasn’t a phone call, a note, nothing. I sent her a text, just to make sure she had gotten back to Alexandria safely, but she had never responded. A week later and I still hadn’t heard from her. I thought about reaching out but had decided not to.

  Shaemus agreed that I needed to leave it alone. When I brought up Maria’s whacked out visit during our next session he said it was best to let it go. We had processed how I had been triggered by Maria’s erratic behavior and it had called into question my own mental stability. The truth was I had seen way too much of myself in Maria Cruz. It was like looking into one of those messed up mirrors in a fun house. This warped distorted view of who I was.

  School started to ramp up toward graduation and I felt like I was hurtling through space toward some unknown destination. I was no closer to knowing what the fuck I was going to do with my life than I ever was. Maggie and her friends were excited about college. Daniel had gotten accept to VCU and Rachel would be going to the University of Richmond. They’d be less than fifteen minutes apart.

  Maggie had tried on numerous occasions to bring up college but I shut it down each and every time. I felt like everyone was sprinting past me and I was falling further and further behind. I wasn’t sure I was ready for college and everything that entailed and Maggie wouldn’t contemplate a future that held anything else.

  We loved each other so much but I felt like we were starting to head in two very different directions. Every day I felt the crushing weight of my fear and anxiety pressing in. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think. I only wanted the sweet oblivion of physical pain or a syringe full of mind erasing drugs. The need was all I could think about.

  Shaemus insisted I start going to NA meetings. He could see how close I was coming to a relapse. I knew it too, but some sadistic part of me relished in it. Craved the total meltdown. Because right now I couldn’t handle the effort of working through a normal life. It was completely beyond me.

  And pretending was proving next to impossible.

  Maggie could see something was wrong. She confronted me and I couldn’t deny it. I wanted to tell her she had nothing to worry about, but I was way past lying to her. If I couldn’t give her the future she wanted, I could at least be honest.

  Even if I downplayed it a bit.

  “Maybe we could go visit Piedmont Community College. I’ve heard they have an excellent art program. You know, just to have a look. You don’t have to make a decision,” Maggie suggested as we sat in her backyard on a Sunday afternoon. It was hot, the start of summer a little over a month away. We were already in the middle of May and I just wished I could share in her enthusiasm for graduation. But it seemed to loom in front of me like a warning sign, Caution, rough road ahead.

  “Yeah, maybe,” I said dismissively, already knowing I wouldn’t do any such thing. The wedge had been firmly inserted between us and I wasn’t sure what to do to get past it. Or whether I wanted to. Maggie continued to come to therapy every other week. And I was trying the whole healthy communication thing, but I could admit that I was starting to feel like it was all a freaking waste of time.

  Why would I continue to ask her to devote energy into something that hadn’t a hope of going anywhere? She would go to university and I would what? Work at Bubbles for seven dollars an hour until I felt like ending it all just to escape the mind numbing misery my life would become?

  Why couldn’t I just indulge Maggie? Who knows, maybe I could see myself in one of these colleges and the road would be laid out for me? But my self-defeating thoughts were too loud in my head. It wasn’t the highs and lows of mania anymore, just the constant drone of pessimism and paranoia that were making it hard to focus on anything else.

  Shaemus had again brought up the fact that I could return to Grayson’s. That an extended stay in the facility could be extremely beneficial for me. I rebelled against the thought; feeling like returning at this point would be a huge failure. Not that I was doing a bang up job anywhere else in my life.

  Plus, financially I couldn’t afford it. Grayson’s was a secluded and very expensive facility. My parents had completely cut me off. I hadn’t received any money from them from the moment I discharged myself from the center. I wasn’t sure whether my mother had been in contact with Ruby and if she had, I didn’t know about it. It was like I no longer existed for them. Their emotional negligence was both freeing and crushing.

  “Come on, Clay. It won’t kill you to go on the tour. Who knows, you may actually like it,” Maggie said lightly, leaning back on her elbows in the middle of her yard. I looked up from my sketch book. I had b
een drawing the birdbath in the corner of the garden. Not the most amazing subject to draw but it kept my hands busy. And I needed them to be occupied with the direction my thoughts were going lately.

  The sun was hot and I could see sweat pebble along Maggie’s collar bone. She really was perfect in every way. I was such a fucking fool for not seizing the future she was handing me. Isn’t this what I had wanted? The possibility of a life with her? Why did the thought scare me to death?

  I had been doing everything right. Taking my meds, going to therapy, playing the responsible guy and getting a job to contribute financially at home. I had ticked every god damned box and yet here I was, still stuck in the same bullshit mind fuck that had always sucked me in.

  “I don’t know, Maggie. I just don’t want to think about it right now,” I said tersely, sick of talking about it. Maggie was like a dog with a bone though and she wasn’t going to give up that easily.

  “Clay, you have to start thinking about it. Graduation is less than a month. The deadline for applications to Piedmont are next week for the fall semester,” she said and I shot her a look. She shrugged her shoulders. “I’ve been doing my research, okay? But seriously, why can’t we ever talk about it? I feel like you’re not even trying to figure stuff out,” she said in frustration which in turn triggered my own.

  I closed my notebook and got to my feet, wiping the grass from my shorts. “I told you I don’t want to talk about it, Maggie. I know you want me to jump on the college bandwagon, get my sweatshirt and all that shit, but I just can’t. I don’t know what’s going to happen with Ruby. Hell, I don’t know what’s going to happen with me. Just please, back off.” I was practically yelling by the time I finished and Maggie just stared at me.

  Damn it, I was being a dick again. Maggie stared down at her hands. “You’re doing it again. You’re shutting me out. Even when you promised you wouldn’t,” she said quietly and it just made me feel even guiltier. I sat back down beside her and took her hand.