Like she was seeking forgiveness.
Lila’s words made it all click into place. It didn’t solve every mystery, but it helped shift the puzzle pieces surrounding my father and his death.
It made sense. The sudden turn to booze and drugs. The change in his temperament and the sudden issues at home.
Days went by. Nearly a week. The entire time, I avoided my mother. I went home to work, but other than that I steered clear. I wanted answers, but I also… didn’t, if that made any sense.
Amber kept coming over to check on me, and Jack was always there to help me with the work and be the strong, silent shoulder to lean on like always. Neither of them asked questions, and for that, I was grateful.
Well, that wasn’t totally true. Amber had asked a question, but her request that I be her date to the Sadie Hawkins Dance the next weekend had been filled with her typical good humor. She’d made a joke out of it and teased me about being such a loner.
I’d said yes, mainly to have an excuse to stay away from my house for one more night. I hadn’t gone out of my way to avoid Lila, but she hadn’t tried to track me down either. We’d passed in the halls and sat next to each other in class, and one could almost believe that she hadn’t just thrown a grenade into my home life, quietly upturning everything I thought I knew.
If anything, she was nice to me when I ran into her, almost like she knew. She’d done her job and anything more would be overkill.
The girl was smart. Tactical. Maybe even manipulative… just like her father. That was how I’d heard him described, at least. Manipulative and cruel.
A full week had passed when I spotted Lila alone near my locker during sixth period. The Sadie Hawkins Day dance was that night, and I found her standing in front of one of the homemade signs, a funny little frown puckering her lips and creasing her brow.
I had a hard time believing this girl was cruel. Manipulative, maybe, but that was what would make her a good ally in Hollywood, right?
She knew how to play the game.
I stood there staring at her for several seconds as my heart pounded in my chest. I wasn’t really contemplating leaving this town, was I? Of course not. I couldn’t do that to my mom or to my friends. Lila spotted me, and she glanced over with a teasing smile. “Don’t tell me the great Brandon MacMillan is skipping class.”
I closed the distance between us slowly. Oddly enough, I was relieved to see her. I loved my friends, but they seemed to be on eggshells around me lately. And my mom… well, she was another story altogether. Then there were the guys on the team who expected me to fit in, to play my role of guy’s guy in the locker room. And then there were other friends like Ryan…
Lila looked over at me, and I gave her a genuine smile. This girl might want something from me, but at the moment, she was the only person who didn’t hide that fact. Not only that, she might have wanted something from me, but she didn’t expect anything, and right now that was refreshing.
I came to a stop at her side and faced the poster she’d been reading, at ease for the first time in days. “You going to the dance?”
“Are you?” she shot back.
I nodded. “Amber asked me.”
She rolled her eyes. “Of course she did.”
I got the feeling Lila’s eye roll was more out of habit than actual annoyance.
“Doesn’t that girl have any shame?” she muttered.
I ignored her. Despite her attitude, I’d noticed that Lila had been acting nicer to Amber lately. She’d never admit it, but I’d bet money that Lila was just a smidge grateful to have someone like Amber at school—someone friendly when everyone else treated her like a well-dressed leper.
“Amber’s straightforward,” I said in her defense.
“She’s obvious,” Lila said, arching one brow. “Someone should teach her the art of subtlety.”
I grinned. “Are you offering? You’re not exactly the queen of subtle yourself, you know that, right?”
Her smile was sudden and sweet, and for a second there, she looked like a teenage girl and not the manipulative mastermind I’d come to think of her as.
“Maybe not,” she said. “But at least I still have some pride.”
I let out a little huff of laughter but kept my mouth shut. To say anything would be to throw one of my best friends under the bus. Amber might not have been subtle about her romantic interest in me since she’d returned to Pinedale, but she was a sweet girl and a good friend. She’d figure out eventually that we were never meant to be.
Lila’s gaze turned sharp like she was seeing straight through me. “Are you ever going to tell her?”
I blinked, my heart picking up its pace as adrenaline rushed through me. It was an overreaction. She wasn’t saying what I thought she was saying. I forced a blank expression. “Tell her what?”
“That you’re gay.”
I stared at her in shock as my heart threatened to pound its way out of my chest. I tried to swallow but my throat was dry. Her expression never altered. Like she was talking about the weather or the stupid dance tonight and not revealing my deepest secret—one that would make my conservative mother’s head spin and have this entire town talking about me like they had when I was eight years old.
Lila’s brows came together in a frown. “Relax, Brandon. I’m not going to be the one to tell your secrets.”
I drew in a quick breath as relief flooded through me. I believed her. I didn’t know why, but I did. Just like I believed her when she’d told me my mother’s secret. I ran a hand through my hair and tried to recover some semblance of calm. “How’d you know?”
She gave a derisive snort. “Please. I have a ton of gay friends. My gaydar is through the roof.”
I stared at her for a second before letting out a shocked little laugh. After so many years of keeping this part of me secret, it felt insane to be talking about it out in the open like this. Like it was totally normal.
For Lila it was, I guessed. But then, she didn’t live in a tiny town full of macho guys and conservative, right-wing zealots.
“Besides,” Lila added, a mischievous smirk making her pretty features light up with amusement. “I was all over you at that bonfire with this…” She gave a sexy little Jessica Rabbit wiggle that made me laugh. “And nothing.” She eyed my pants meaningfully. “Nada.”
I dropped my head back as another laugh escaped, this one filled with relief.
“If I’d thought for a second that you might be swayed by seduction, you’d better believe I’d have found a way to sneak into your room,” she teased.
When I looked at her again, she was giving me a tolerant smile, like she got it. She understood that I was relieved, and she wasn’t going to use this against me.
Holy hell, I liked this girl. I mean, I’d liked her the first time I met her, but right now I felt like she might be the best friend I’d ever had. Second to Jack, of course. He’d always be like a brother to me, but this girl here was the kind of friend I’d never known I’d needed. One who understood me, one who saw that I didn’t fit in at this school or in this town, and maybe I never would.
“I can’t believe you knew and didn’t use it to try and persuade me,” I said. The words came tripping off my tongue. Like, now that my big secret was out in the open, I was free to speak the truth.
She shrugged. “My father might be into the blackmail thing, but that’s not really my style.”
“Oh yeah? So, then, what’s your style?”
She grinned. “I prefer to appeal to common sense.”
“And you think me heading to Hollywood with you is common sense?” My tone was sarcastic, but there was a little part of me that was truly curious to hear her answer.
Not that it would change anything. I wasn’t seriously considering leaving. I couldn’t.
She hitched her lips to the side as she studied me. “Look, I’m not going to tell you it would be easy, or even that it’s the right thing to do. Only you can decide that.”
; I waited because I could hear the ‘but’ in her voice.
She turned to face me. “There’s a big world out there, outside of this town.” She arched her brows meaningfully. “Out there, no one knows you, there are no expectations, and you’ll find people to be a lot more open-minded, if you know what I mean.”
I stared at her because, yeah, I knew exactly what she meant. “I don’t think I’m ready for that.”
She nodded. “Understood. Coming out isn’t an easy thing from what I hear.”
I thought she was going to say more, do more to persuade me… but after a moment of silence, I realized she wasn’t going to continue with her sales pitch. She was leaving it up to me.
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “You need me to do this, don’t you? I mean, that’s why you’re still here, right?”
She made a funny face, and I saw a hint of confusion cross her face. “Honestly, I don’t know what I’m doing here.” Her laugh was soft and breathy like she’d just surprised herself with that statement. “But yes. To answer your question, you’d be making my life a lot easier if you came back with me.”
“Easier,” I repeated. I studied her for a second. “But would it make your life better?”
She narrowed her eyes a bit, and I could see that the words hit home. “Maybe,” she finally said with a shrug. “Maybe not.”
After a second, she shook her head and gave another rueful laugh. “Sorry, you caught me at a weird time.” She turned back toward the poster she’d been studying, but it was clear she wasn’t really thinking about dances and dates.
Or maybe she was, but there was clearly something more going on. As I watched, she pursed her lips and made a face of disgust. “It’s not all that great here, you know.” She glanced over at me. “For all everyone talks about the charm of small towns and rural living, this high school is like any other.” She ticked them off on her fingers. “Mean girls, unrequited crushes, silly dances with stupid themes…” She cast me a sidelong look. “It’s kind of exactly like my school in Hollywood—just not as stylish.”
I laughed because I knew she was right. Pinedale wasn’t perfect and neither were the people. “With small towns, you’re bound to get some small-minded people, the incessant gossip, the toxic family dynamics…” I trailed off, and she gave me a small smile.
“So, you admit it. It’s not all sunshine and roses around here.”
I shrugged. “No, it’s not perfect.”
She arched her brows, and I felt compelled to add the ‘but.’
“But it’s home.”
She nodded and turned back to the poster. “I knew you were going to say that.”
I grinned. “What can I say? I’m sentimental like that.”
She smiled. “You’re lucky, you know that?”
I nodded. “Yeah. I know.”
I went home after school and got straight back to what I’d been doing all week.
Avoiding my mother.
Was it mature? No. But it was better than facing her with all the questions that raced through my brain. Questions I wasn’t sure I wanted the answers to.
The storm they’d been forecasting for days just hit when I got home, and the slashing rain made working outside sound miserable. I did the necessary chores and then went inside. I heard my mother in the kitchen and headed in the opposite direction as a reflex.
I was antsy, restless. Everything Lila had said and everything she hadn’t said played in my mind on a loop.
She could have used my secret. She could have tried to talk me into it. But she didn’t, and her silence had me filling in the blanks. It had me imagining what life could be like if I wasn’t constantly worrying about money, and if my mother could get the help she needed, and if I could live a life out in the open with a person I actually wanted to be with.
Temptation was there, and it had me seeking out inside chores—anything to keep my hands busy and my mind busy. There were countless tasks I’d been putting off because I didn’t have the time or energy. That was how I found myself cleaning out the attic, a task that was long overdue. I sifted through boxes of memorabilia and documents that hadn’t seen the light of day in years, some not for decades. The task was exactly what I needed to remember my ties to this house and to this community. I came across the deed to our property in my father’s name, the local clippings when my father first started to find success in Hollywood. This town had supported him; it had supported me. This was home.
Normally, that was a comforting thought—heartwarming, even. But today… Today, it felt more like a vise around my chest holding me in and keeping me captive.
I moved on to the next box, checking the clock on my phone to make sure I still had enough time to get ready for the dance. The third envelope I pulled out wasn’t another legal document, it was a letter. A handwritten letter from my father.
I read it three times with shaky hands and watery eyes before I finally realized exactly what this was.
It was a suicide note.
It was addressed to me.
He was sorry. Sorry for leaving me alone in this world. Sorry for not being able to handle the pressure. His words were vague at best. He never accused my mother of anything or even Lila’s father.
He just kept mentioning the stress. The pressure. The expectations.
My father had killed himself.
I sat there for God knew how long, staring at his handwriting and letting the truth of it sink in. My heart ached and yeah, I cried. But I’d grieved for my father years ago, and this didn’t change the fact that he was dead.
In reality, it didn’t change anything.
But it did.
I’m not sure how long I would have sat there if Amber hadn’t shown up. She poked her head through the opening. “Hey,” she said. “Your mom said I could find you up here.”
Her voice was chipper as ever, her smile bright. She climbed the rest of the way up, and that was when I noticed what she was wearing.
Oh crap, the dance. Amber was decked out in a gold slinky dress, her hair down in long dark waves.
“You look beautiful,” I said.
Her brows drew down as she got a better look at me, and she hurried over to sit by my side. “And you look terrible.” She reached for my hand. “Brandon, what’s wrong? What’s going on?”
I didn’t meet her concerned gaze as I handed over the letter. I heard her gasp, her whispers of dismay. And then her arms were around me holding me tight. “Oh Brandon, I’m so sorry.”
I nodded. What was there to say? All these years, I’d believed it was an accident. A miscalculation made in the midst of a drunken stupor. And now? Nothing had changed—my father was still dead of an overdose. And yet, everything was different.
We sat in silence for a while until Amber eventually broke it. “What are you going to do?”
I glanced over at her. “What do you mean?”
She shrugged. “I mean, are you going to confront your mom? Do you think she knew?”
I shook my head. It wasn’t like the envelope had been sealed. She’d likely been the one to stash it up here, and odds were she’d read it. Which meant, she’d been keeping this truth from me for eight years. What other secrets was she hiding?
“I don’t know,” I finally said. “What good would that do? It would just set her off. It would only—” I shook my head, unable to go on. The unfairness of it was brutal to swallow. She was the one who’d cheated on my father, who had driven him to suicide… but I couldn’t even say anything for fear of what she’d do and how she’d react.
One harsh word from me and she’d—hell, I didn’t know what she’d do. My mother was wildly unpredictable, and that was the whole point. There was no telling what she’d do if I came at her with accusations.
Amber wrapped her arms around me again and rested her head on my shoulder. We sat like that for a while before she stirred. “You know, Brandon, maybe you should think about Lila’s offer.”
Her voice was so quie
t, so sweet, it took a moment for her words to register. When they did, I pulled away a bit so I could look at her.
Big brown eyes peered back at me in the dim lighting of the attic. Of all the people in my life, Amber was the last person I’d expected to hear that from. “You think I should go to California?”
She gave me a sad smile as she gestured to the letter in my hands. “In light of everything, it might be good for you to get away for a bit.”
I stared at her, and she added quickly, “Not forever.” She took my hand in hers again and squeezed. “Lord knows I don’t want you to leave us for good.”
I studied her face. “But you do think I should go?”
Her expression was unreadable. “I think… I think you could use a change. Get some perspective and maybe see what your options are….” She trailed off with a shrug. Her expression turned rueful. “I don’t know, maybe I’m out of line.”
I shook my head and squeezed her hand. “You’re not out of line. I want to hear your opinion, you know that.”
Her smile was warm and sweet, and it tugged at the guilt that always tended to surface these days when Amber was around. How easy would my life be if I could feel for her the way she felt about me?
But I didn’t. I couldn’t. I’d never be able to see her as more than a friend. I looked away from the obvious infatuation in those brown eyes and focused on the topic at hand. “I can’t believe you of all people want to see me go to Hollywood with Lila.”
“I don’t want you to go with Lila.”
I looked over at her, and she raised her free hand to cup my cheek. Her cheeks turned a pretty shade of pink. “I want you to go with me.”
I couldn’t stop her in time, and her lips were on mine.
I held her shoulders and pushed her back as gently as I could. “I’m sorry,” I said.
Her smile held only a hint of embarrassment as she shook her head. “I’m not.” She shifted, already starting to get to her feet. “It was worth a shot.”
I watched her disappear with lead in my gut. I’d never wanted to hurt one of my oldest friends. I went after her, but when I hit the foyer, I found my mom instead, wringing her hands as she watched Amber race out the door to her car.
All-American Princess (The Glitterati Files Book 1) Page 12
