by Harlow James
She’s been in the back of my mind all night, a slew of questions popping up as the evening unfolded. Would she approve of this? Would she be proud of me for coming here? Or would she be smacking me upside the head for being ignorant enough to realize that none of the other women in this room make me feel anything, except for the one sitting right in front of me.
“Thanks. Unfortunately, I just don’t think that this method is going to make that happen.” I gesture around the room with my hand.
“Yeah, I agree. I see the thrill in this, the efficiency if you’re looking to find someone in the least amount of time. But I think something is to be said for relationships that form naturally, that build over time and form a solid foundation. I don’t think that can happen in fifteen minutes,” she declares.
And just like that, our fifteen minutes are up, the buzzer ending our conversation as the woman in charge of the event signals the start of the break. Why didn’t the other dates go by that quickly?
“So, you wanna get out of here then? I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to waste the rest of the night free from my duties as a dad talking to women I don’t know.” I really just want to talk to you.
“Yes, please. If I see any more hairy knuckles or have to listen to one more college football heyday story, I’m going to need another martini,” she says, huffing out a teasing laugh.
“I never pegged you as a martini girl.”
“Usually, I’m not. But tonight, I felt like stepping out of the norm.” I try not to read too much into that as people start moving around us.
“Then let’s go. Surely we can find something else to do,” I suggest as I stand and reach for her hand instinctively. And when she places her palm in mine, something shifts—the energy between us, the sparkle in her eyes, the rhythm of my heart beating in my chest. They all change as she stares up at me and lets me lead her out of the club once she says goodbye to Jess and grabs her purse and jacket.
“So, what did you have in mind?” Rachel shoves her arms in her coat as the click of her heels on the sidewalk echo between us.
Honestly, I didn’t have a plan as to what to do next. I just knew that I wanted to get out of there and I wanted her to follow me. As we walk down the path on Main Street, passing by shops and restaurants that are closing for the evening, the lights on the sign of the movie theater up ahead flash like a neon sign.
“Wanna see a movie?” I turn to her just as her eyes light up like mine.
“Yes! Gosh, I can’t remember the last time I even went to the movie theaters. With so many streaming outlets now, I feel like the theaters don’t even exist anymore.”
“Oh, they do. I just can’t remember the last time I saw a movie that wasn’t the newest Disney release.”
Rachel chuckles beside me as we continue to walk. Our cars are back at the club and I know we could have driven here, but strolling next to her in the crisp air makes me come alive. I desperately try to recall the last time I felt this excited to go somewhere with someone else, drawing a blank until we arrive at the corner of the road, waiting to use the crosswalk to continue further.
A liquor store sits on the corner we’re standing on, flashing signs lighting up the windows, catching our attention as we stand there.
“We should get snacks before we go inside. The prices of candy at the theater are astronomical, and I have to have chocolate during a movie.” She pulls my hand and ushers me in the liquor store, taking me by surprise. But I can’t help the thrill of letting her lead me. We arrive in the candy aisle in a swift second as Rachel peruses the selection. I literally feel like a kid in a candy store, or at least how it felt as a little kid in line for checkout at the grocery store with my mom—drooling at the mouth as the candy taunted me and I begged for my mom to let us buy one. My sister and I usually lost that fight. But when she’d give in, the sugar high that followed was the taste of sweet victory.
“What’s your poison?” I ask Rachel as I see her grab several selections.
“Honestly, I’m an equal opportunity kind of gal. I don’t discriminate when it comes to chocolate, but I have moods where some call to me more than others.” She reaches for a few different bars, too many to decipher exactly what she grabbed as I take a Snickers and a King Size Reese’s.
“Should we get drinks too?” She turns to me, her face so bright, yet soft in the lights. Her lips are slightly raised and open, her eyes more vibrant from the dark make-up outlining them, and her body stands tall as she waits for my answer. The same enthusiasm I see her exhibit with Grayson is alive in her expression.
“Sure.” She turns and heads for the refrigerator section, reaching in for a Coke and hands me one as well.
“What if I didn’t want a Coke?” I tease her, but she’s actually accurate in her assumption.
“You’ve got to have Coke for a movie. Coke, popcorn, and candy—the trifecta of the cinematic experience.”
I nod in agreement, choosing to remain quiet as we make our way to the cashier and I pay.
Rachel shoves the treats in her purse, covering it up under her coat. Something tells me she’s done this before, and all I can do is admire how many sides of this woman there are. I trust her to take care of my kid because I know how honest her heart is and how playful she is, which is perfect for a kid like Grayson. But then she sneaks food into a movie theater in her bag, and now I sense she has a rebellious side to her as well.
Once I pay for our tickets for Bad Boys for Life, we find our theater and take our seats, getting comfortable before Rachel retrieves the sugary portion of our snacks. However, I did spring for a giant bucket of popcorn to share because you’ve got to have movie theater popcorn. There isn’t any cheap way around that.
The lights are still on in the room while we wait for the show to start. Luckily, there was a showing very close to the time we arrived, giving us enough time to settle in before the previews start.
“This is so weird being here without Grayson,” I say around a mouthful of popcorn.
“I can see that. But hey, you need to have a life too, Luke. Your kid is amazing, but you’re a grown man and need to have fun still.”
I cast her a look. “I can have fun.”
She huffs, reaching for her first candy, a King-Size Kit Kat bar. “No offense, dude, but you’re not exactly the kind of guy that screams fun. You’re so serious all the time, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing,” she says while tearing open the wrapper. “But I think there’s a side to you that needs to come out more. Enjoy life. Life isn’t just about work and Grayson. You need to remember to live a little.” She shrugs and then takes a bite out of the entire Kit Kat bar without breaking the pieces apart, causing my heart to throttle painfully hard in my chest.
“What…” I start and then clear my throat. “What did you just do?”
She looks over at me like my reaction is startling, which I guess it is, but she doesn’t know why. “What do you mean?” Her eyes are wide but her brow is furrowed, obviously confused by the contorted status of my face.
“You… you just bit into that Kit Kat like a savage…”
Her eyes dart to the screen then around the theater before focusing back on me. “Uh, is that a problem?”
I shake my head but then struggle to find words for a moment. “No. It’s just… not many people eat Kit Kats like that.”
“Well…” she draws out and then takes another bite, a piece of wafer floating down and hitting the top of her dress. “Why waste time breaking them apart when it’s all going to end up in the same place anyway? Taking that extra step just prolongs the chocolate from ending up in my mouth.”
I nearly choke as my pulse quickens and my stomach turns. Rachel has no idea what her little speech has done to me. But I know—because there’s only one other person in my life that’s eaten Kit Kats like that, and she offered me a similar explanation. Before I can reply, assure her that I’m not having a stroke, the lights turn down and the previews start. Rachel turns t
owards the screen, oblivious to the reaction my mind and body are having to this moment, and tunes into the movie, smiling and laughing as if everything is normal.
It takes me a while to get into the show, but once I do, I relax and let myself enjoy the entertainment, appreciating how hilarious Martin Lawrence and Will Smith still are together after all this time. I laugh out loud without fear of waking my son up, I ingest too many calories to care, and when I turn to Rachel at one point and see her look at me simultaneously, I smile at the thought that tonight was exactly what I needed—some fun.
Although it also cleared up my dilemma for me—Rachel is incredible, and my feelings for her are far more serious than I wanted to believe.
Chapter 10
Luke
“How’s it going?” My sister’s morning inquisition begins as soon as she answers the phone. Our morning phone calls during my commute are always the easiest way for us to catch up. Trying to have a conversation with Grayson around always ends up in frustration for both of us.
“Uh, it’s going. Work is the usual, Grayson is getting bigger by the second…”
“And how’s Rachel?”
I instantly smile, thinking back fondly on our impromptu movie date last week. Although… was it a date? I don’t know if I’d classify it that way, but I sure as hell had a great time. I feel lighter since that day, like Rachel chiseled away a piece of the wall I’ve erected to keep complications and fun out of my life. The morning after the movie, we returned to our normal routine, but things were different too—like our friendship was more prevalent. Even Grayson picked up on it as we joked around with each other a bit more.
“She’s good. I’m proud to say I feel like I made the right decision hiring her, Ten. She’s so patient with Grayson, she helps with so many things around the house, and her company at the end of the day is something I always look forward to…”
Tenley stays quiet for a moment. “Luke? You like her, don’t you?”
“Of course I like her. I wouldn’t have hired her if I didn’t like her.”
“No,” she scoffs and then continues. “I mean, you like her, like her…”
“Okay, when you say it like that, you sound like we’re in middle school right now.” I roll my eyes in frustration, checking the rearview mirror as I signal to change lanes.
“Luke. This is… well, this is good!” She exclaims, catching me off-guard.
“What? Uh, Tenley, I’m sorry, but I’m thoroughly confused right now.”
One of her kids comes up to her for a moment, and then she shoos them off. “Luke. You’re opening up. You’re letting this woman in. Don’t you know how incredible that is?”
And now I’m feeling defensive. “We’re just friends, Tenley. Yes, I’m establishing a friendship with this woman, which I assumed would happen naturally. I mean, she is living with me.”
“Are you sure it’s not more? Because it’s okay if it is, Luke.”
I sigh, pulling into the parking lot and shoving the stick shift in park. “Tenley… it’s complicated.”
“Well, yes. But that shouldn’t stop you….”
“No, it most certainly should stop me! Fine, you want me to admit it? I like the woman, okay? I like her, a lot, and it’s not okay. She’s gorgeous and funny. She takes care of my kid like he’s her own. I look forward to the evenings when we sit down on the couch and watch re-runs of Friends while talking about nothing and everything. I like her, but…”
“Luke…” my sister whispers, and I can almost hear the emotion in her voice.
“Tenley… she’s…”
“I know, Luke,” her voice cracks and fuck if it doesn’t bring tears to my eyes. “I know this must be hard for you, but this is so good for you too…”
I stare at myself in the mirror, the lines on my face clearly showing my confusion. “Then why do I feel so guilty?” I finally whisper, barely getting the words out.
“I’d be worried if you didn’t. But that doesn’t mean that what you’re feeling is wrong.” Her gentle voice soothes some of my worry because I do feel like what goes through my mind is wrong.
Obviously, the physical attraction for Rachel is what developed first, and then after accidently seeing her naked, that only grew along with my dick any time I thought about it. But now there’s an emotional connection too, albeit not a very deep one because I avoid going that far with her. And it’s alarming how I look forward to talking to her each day because she doesn’t make me feel so alone. I genuinely want to get to know her more, and the time we spend together is because we want to, not because we feel obligated to do so.
She cooks us dinner, and I do the dishes. She bathes Grayson and I put him to bed. She washes the clothes and I fold them. We’re a team, a unit, and I barely had that with Hannah after Grayson was born. It’s comforting and new, yet feels right in so many ways that I feel nothing but guilt at the idea that my mind is lighter knowing I’m not alone anymore in our home.
“It’s just… a lot, Tenley,” I finally say.
“I know. But if you’re feeling this way about her, maybe that’s a sign… a sign that it’s time to move on…”
“What if something happens, Ten? What if I give in, let myself go there, and then I fuck it up and it ruins everything? I can’t do that to Grayson. I can’t do that to her. She’s depending on me for a place to live right now and a job until she can go back to school in the fall.”
“I know it’s complicated, Luke, and I’m sorry that it is, especially because I know how much you need this. I want you to be happy, big brother. So look for a sign. Something to show you that crossing that line is worth it.”
Instantly my mind veers to Rachel eating a Kit Kat in the movie theater last week. Her snarky response about her choice still makes me uneasy, that her reasoning wasn’t just a coincidence.
“She ate a Kit Kat the other night…”
Tenley stays quiet, waiting for me to continue, but it doesn’t last too long. “Okay. That’s great. I mean, Kit Kats are good…”
“She ate it like Hannah did.” As soon as I say it out loud, that tightness in my chest returns like it did as I watched her eat the chocolate in front of me.
“Oh.”
“Yeah, oh.”
“Okay… so what does that mean?”
“It freaked me the fuck out, Tenley! I remember when Hannah ate a Kit Kat one night right before she went into labor with Grayson. She just bit into it and then acted offended when I teased her about not breaking the sticks apart first.”
“She didn’t break the sticks apart? That’s savage,” she laughs, finding humor in it like I did.
“Right? She just chomped into it and I remember studying her and memorizing how beautiful she looked right in that moment even though she inhaled the chocolate like it was her job.”
“That’s so funny. God, I miss her,” Tenley says, the emotion back in her voice.
“Me too, Tenley. Every fucking day. But when Rachel did the same thing at the movies last weekend, my heart stopped. It was like a flash of déjà vu, but it was Rachel in front of me, offering me a similar explanation as to why she just bit into the candy bar without separating it.”
Tenley chuckles and then sniffles, which means I know she’s fighting off breaking down on the phone with me. “And what was her explanation?”
I can’t help but smile as I remember her words. “That there’s no point in breaking the pieces apart because they’ll all end up in the same place. It just prolongs the chocolate from making its way into her mouth.”
Tenley full on laughs, easing a bit of the ache in my chest. “I love it! And I can’t say I don’t agree. The woman is on to something…”
“It was surreal, Ten. Like Hannah was talking to me through Rachel. I know it sounds crazy…”
“No,” she cuts me off. “No, it doesn’t sound crazy, Luke. It sounds real and I think it does mean something. Hannah isn’t coming back, Luke.” The instant she says the words, I close my eyes a
nd breathe deeply.
“I know.”
“And here is this woman that is clearly making you feel things. Sure the situation isn’t ideal, but you can’t fight a connection. That’s what you felt for Hannah, remember? And look how that turned out.”
“Yeah, she died.”
“Yes, she did. And it was awful. But before she did, you fell in love with her, married her, and made an incredible little boy. She gave you so much in her life, Luke. Maybe this is something she’s giving you in her death.”
Fuck. The damn breaks as a tear streams down my cheek. I brush it away swiftly and then stop the rest from falling, choking down the lump in my throat.
“I have to teach a class in fifteen minutes, Tenley, and you’re fucking making me cry.”
“I’m sorry,” she trembles through her words, clearly emotional as well. “But it’s something to think about. I’m not saying you have to act on your feelings today or even tomorrow. But don’t shut them down. Soak them in, feel everything… and when the moment is right, you’ll know how to move forward.”
I let out a long sigh, gazing up at the roof of my car while I gather myself. “Okay, Tenley. I hear you.”
“Finally, you’re starting to listen to your sister,” she teases, but I can sense the smile behind her voice.
“Well, you’re younger than me, so naturally, I don’t want to believe you know more than I do.”
I hear her small chuckle. “Understandable. But I’m also a woman and I love you, so sometimes, I do know best.”
“I love you too, Tenley. I’ll talk to you soon.”
“Have a good day, Luke,” she says before she ends the call and I muster up the resolve to focus on my job for today.
It’s Friday, so in just eight short hours, I’ll be free for the weekend. Tomorrow we’re taking Grayson to the new aquarium that opened up about an hour away, bringing my parents along since my mother is going stir crazy in the house. She’s going to rent one of those motorized scooters so she doesn’t overexert herself. But I know she’s looking forward to it, especially since she misses Grayson fiercely.
