by Harlow James
Leading me by the hand, we walk naked through the house smiling, knowing that this will never happen once Grayson is back. And as I realize that same thought, I instantly question when Luke is going to agree it’s time to tell Grayson about us. I know kids can read into things, and part of me wonders if he already knows. But ultimately, it has to be Luke’s decision.
Once we’re showered and dressed, Luke cooks me breakfast as I sit on a stool at the island and watch him maneuver his kitchen.
“So what do you want to do today?”
Sipping my new cup of coffee, I shrug. “I don’t know. What’s something you can’t usually enjoy with Grayson? Like, it would be hard to do it with him in tow?”
Luke ponders my question as he scrambles the eggs on the stove. “I haven’t been golfing in ages…”
I wrinkle my nose at him. “Anything besides golf?”
His chuckle makes my core heat up again. “Not a fan of golf?”
“Not so much.”
“What about a hike? There’s a trail up that little hill on the north side of town. It’s not too ambitious, but still a good workout. I do it with the guys a lot. We could pack a lunch and enjoy the weather.” He grins at me over his shoulder.
“Now that I can get on board with.”
Dressed and packed up, Luke drives us to the trail where we park the car, hoist our backpacks on our shoulders, and start our ascent just after nine in the morning. The end of June will still bring humidity, but the overall temperature isn’t too bad. I can smell the sunscreen on our skin, the dirt beneath our feet, and the pine from the trees as we climb the hill.
“When’s the last time you came out here?” I ask as we huff along.
“A few months ago, actually. Cash, Cooper, Kane, Drew and I came out here to get some fresh air and a workout before Cash and Piper’s wedding.”
“Ah. That’s right. I love that you have your little bro-tribe.”
Luke’s cheeks start to redden, and not just from the temperature outside. “Yeah, they’re my boys. I had been on the force for a few years before each of them joined. Cooper first, then Cash a year later. Despite making it hard for anyone to get to know me, they both chiseled away at my walls and brought a smile to my face each time I worked with them. They were young and hungry, the same way I remember being when I joined the department. And when they learned about Hannah,” he pauses, breathing deeply. “They didn’t treat me differently like everyone else, and I appreciated that.”
“It’s important to have friends like that. Pfeiffer has always been that mirror I need to tell me the truth, even when I don’t want to hear it. And yet, she’s the one person I know I can be myself with one-hundred percent.”
“Well, you seem to have created your own trifecta of girls since moving here too,” he chides as the steepness increases.
“Yeah. I like Jess a lot too. She’s feisty and honest. I never had authentic friends like that back home. Just another thing I’ve found here in Emerson Falls.”
We continue our climb for another few miles before we finally make it to the top, the surrounding scenery utterly breathtaking. “Wow. This is amazing.” The tops of trees poke up into the sky all around us, while beneath them rests the entire town of Emerson Falls. You can see for miles in any direction. Buildings are scattered around in the center of the town while houses and neighborhoods stretch out from the hub, trees and streets woven beneath the seams.
“I’m sure you’ve seen better views than this living in New York.”
“Well, my family lives in the Hamptons, so it’s mostly the beach we get to see. But when I would venture into the city, I made it a point to go to the tops of buildings and look at the New York cityscape, which was definitely impressive. But it was foreign. I didn’t have a connection to it. This place I know—It’s ingrained in my heart, which I think makes the view even more spectacular.”
Luke’s fingers find my chin as he turns my head to face him. “I’m glad you’re here, Rachel.”
“Me too, Luke.” Our lips meet in a soft kiss, but then he pulls away before we can get carried away.
“Later,” he growls in my ear before finding a spot on the ground to rest and eat our lunch. We snap a few selfies with the view in the background—one of us kissing, and another of us making goofy faces. And when I look at them later that night, it hits me.
He’s the one—the one man I want to spend my forever with. Never in a million years did I think that this journey and leap of faith I had coming out here would lead to this—my forever. This is what I want. Grayson and Luke. Our own little family. A home filled with love and laughter and a person I can grow old with.
Luke is my one.
When he moves into the kitchen to start dinner later that evening after another round of lovemaking when we returned from our hike, I make sure to call Pfeiffer to fill her in.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Pfeiffer. Can you talk for a minute?”
“Yeah, of course. What’s up?”
“I’m in love,” I whisper, moving to shut my door, leaving just a crack in case Luke calls for me so I can hear him.
“Yeah, I kind of figured,” she teases and then laughs.
“No, he’s the one, Pfeiffer. I want to spend my life with this man.”
“Oh, honey. I’m so happy for you! Luke is an amazing man. You two are perfect for each other.”
I toss my body on the bed, propping my head up with my hand and lying on my stomach. “This weekend has been incredible. I think it’s just what we needed. Grayson is with Luke’s parents and sister, so we’ve been able to talk and touch, and the sex…”
“Yes! He finally gave in, huh?”
“My God, Pfeiffer. I’ve never had sex like this.”
“That’s a big deal for him to do that with you, Rachel. I can’t imagine he’s been with anyone since Hannah. But of course, I don’t know that.”
“He hasn’t. Just me, and it was perfect.”
“This is incredible. See? Aren’t you glad you moved out here?”
I nod, even though she can’t see me. “Yes. My life has completely changed in a matter of months. I’m happier than I ever was back home, Pfeiffer. I miss my family, but all I see here is my future.”
“Now you get why I came back, huh?”
“Absolutely.”
“So, where do you guys go from here?”
I bite my nails while I contemplate that question myself. “In all honesty, I feel like the only thing left to do is tell Grayson. I don’t want to push him, because I’m not a parent and obviously Luke’s situation is unique. But I think we need to talk about it. I never want either of them to feel like I’m trying to replace Hannah. I’m just hoping they can make room in their hearts for me.”
“Definitely.”
I hear the clanging of pots in the kitchen, the sound of one hitting the floor. “It sounds like Luke might need some help in the kitchen. We’ll talk soon, okay?”
“Sounds good. Congrats, bestie. I’m thrilled for you.”
My cheeks hurt from smiling so much. “Thank you. Me too.”
“Hey. Everything alright?” I ask Luke as I make my way out of the hallway and see him in the kitchen, looking frustrated.
“Yeah, uh. Everything is fine. Just dropped a pan…” His body is tense, his brow wrinkled, and there’s a beer sitting open on the counter.
“Okay…. Well, let me help you.”
“No!” He shouts as he turns to face me, and then sighs in defeat. “Fuck, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to shout at you. I mean, I’ve got it. I’m supposed to be showing you how much I care about you.” His mouth says the words, but his face looks pained, like he’s fighting to make them sound true.
“I know you care about me. You don’t have to cook for me to know that.”
He turns away from me again and then moves around the stove, dumping rice into a pot and stirring it, the fact that he didn’t respond does not slip my mind.
I take a seat
on my stool again, watching him, trying to anticipate his reaction, and opting to hopefully change the subject. “So, what are you making?”
“Teriyaki-glazed salmon, rice, and grilled veggies.”
“Mmmm, that sounds great.”
“Yeah. Why don’t you set the table? This won’t take long.”
My heart is racing while I place silverware and napkins at our seats, wondering what changed from the shower until now. But the last thing I want to do is ruin the rest of our last evening alone. Tomorrow Luke will pick Grayson up from his parents’ house and I have an afternoon shift at Tony’s. I choose to just keep my anxiety to myself, not wanting to pressure him so soon after we slept together to discuss what happens next. I wouldn’t shy away from that conversation normally, but this is a unique situation, and my heart has always erred on the side of caution with Luke.
After we eat, Luke pours me another glass of wine and grabs himself another beer before we snuggle into the couch to watch a movie. I rest my head on his chest at one point, listening to the beat of his heart as the steady rhythm reminds me he’s here. He’s alive. And although his heart has been broken before, I will do everything in my power to help heal the cracks. I want him, flaws and all. But a nagging feeling eats away at me knowing Luke seemed more distraught tonight than he let on.
Chapter 22
Luke
Fighting the pit in my stomach since my dream last night, I mustered up enough resolve to enjoy the rest of the day with Rachel. I knew this time together without Grayson was priceless and I owed it to us to keep building what we feel for one another.
This morning when she surprised me in the garage during my workout—it was like a fantasy come true. And I’m not going to lie, being rough with her and knowing she enjoyed it helped quell the anxiety from my nightmare. I needed to let out that frustration. I needed that connection. I needed the reminder of what has brought us to this point—this well of feelings that has slowly been filling since she entered my life. It started out as an attraction and has built into something that is so much more. She’s a part of my life, and Grayson’s, which reminds me of how crucial it is that we handle telling him about us in the right way. Knowing he’s so attached to her anyway, I know he’ll be thrilled. It’s more of what happens after that that has me unsure still, especially after my dream last night. My future with Rachel is still uncertain to me, and I hate that I feel this way.
Call it intuition or a gut reaction, but something is holding me back from jumping in with both feet. The fact that I’ve found someone else in my life that has made me feel things even remotely close to what I felt for Hannah has been difficult to accept. But I can’t help but wonder… am I always going to compare what I have with Rachel to what I had with her? Will I ever be able to fully let her in? Will my fear overwhelm me and cause me to push her away, like I have with other people in my life, especially after I lost my wife? Will I ever want to remarry? That’s a question that’s been stored away in my mind for years, but I never thought I’d actually have to face it. Luckily for me, the stunning brunette that’s living with me is forcing me to face it, and much faster than I’d expected.
I know that anxiety is a response to living in the future instead of the present. So although I’m still slightly on edge even after a four-mile hike and another round of sex, I remind myself to breathe and not feel rushed to make any concrete decisions tonight. Just the fact that I finally felt ready to sleep with another woman speaks volumes about how far I’ve come. So I’m gonna let myself celebrate that fact before I map out the rest of my life.
I figured tonight we’d stay in and I would cook dinner for her, since that went over so well the last time, and then spend more time exploring each other’s bodies before passing out.
As I make my way down the hall to use the restroom really quick before I start dinner, I hear Rachel’s voice in her room.
“I’m in love,” she whispers, but it’s loud enough that I can make out the words as my heart stops momentarily in my chest and then picks up speed again.
She loves me.
That thought is both a relief and then a spiraling truth that starts to unravel all sorts of questions in my mind. There’s a pause in words from her and then she answers the person on the other end of the line.
“No, he’s the one, Pfeiffer. I want to spend my life with this man.” And if I thought the spiraling was strong, now I feel like the wind is being knocked out of me while I spin around on the tilt-a-whirl at the fairgrounds.
She wants to marry me, spend her life with me. She’s come to this realization after one night together.
It’s not that I don’t want her to feel that way. That’s not what’s twisting my insides in circles. It’s the fact that she’s so sure about it, and I’m not. That’s what is making my knees feel like they’re about to buckle.
Knowing I shouldn’t be eavesdropping, I back up quietly to the kitchen, turn around, and then try to remember what the hell I was about to do in here while my heart rate increases to unhealthy levels. I vaguely recall having to pee, but now that natural urge has been replaced with a need for distraction, something to keep me from freaking the fuck out and running out the door, hurting Rachel in the process.
She’s convinced we’re meant to be, and part of me feels that too.
And then the other part—the slice of the man that had his heart ripped from his chest when he lost his wife—he speaks up and reminds me that I once felt that way about another woman, and then I was left a widower with a newborn son.
There are no guarantees in life, no certainty that you can keep your promises. And Rachel deserves that. She deserves a man who is sure, who is certain that he can commit to her one-hundred percent without fear.
In this moment—that’s not me.
I swallow hard as this realization slams into me. I spent so much time in my marriage thinking about the future to have it stripped from me, it’s the one thing I don’t want to think about anymore. And I definitely don’t want to cause that pain to someone else.
The issue that kills me the most is that I was finally happy, genuinely opening up to the idea of her and me together, pushing myself to keep moving forward in my relationship. And then one nightmare yanked me three steps backwards and the questioning game has officially begun.
Maybe time will help me get there though. It’s not as if she’s going to expect a ring from me tomorrow. Or what if she does? What if she’s hoping that our future will progress rapidly because she’s already living with me and taking care of my son? The only thing that is left to do is asking her to marry me.
Suddenly, it’s getting hard to breathe and the temperature is rising tenfold.
Instead of shattering what we’ve spent the last twenty-four hours building and letting one overheard revelation ruin what we’ve started, I decide to just try to enjoy the time remaining and hope that I don’t make an ass out of myself tonight. Drinking this beer I just opened probably won’t help that, but I need something to take the edge off.
Bending over to reach for a pot in the cupboard, another stack of metal pans tumbles to the floor, crashing loudly and echoing throughout the house. As I scramble to pick them up, Rachel’s voice immediately makes me tense up.
“Hey. Everything alright?”
“Yeah, uh. Everything is fine. Just dropped a pan…” I glance over my shoulder at her, taking a moment to notice how beautiful she is without a drop of make-up on, but also how confused I feel about everything that just transpired.
“Okay…. Well, let me help you.”
“No!” I shout, and then instantly regret it. I sigh in defeat as I put the pans back on the shelf and close the cupboard, turning back to her, her eyes wide and worry etched all over her face. “Fuck, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to shout at you. I mean, I’ve got it. I’m supposed to be showing you how much I care about you.” And I do. I care about this woman so much. But is it love?
“I know you care about me. You don’t have to
cook for me to know that.”
I turn away again, and then move around the stove, dumping rice into a pot and stirring it around, never responding to her statement. Again, her certainty astounds me.
Have I been honest with her? Yes.
Have I steered her in the wrong direction or mislead her? I don’t think so.
She takes a seat on a stool at the island, watching me intently, but seeming a little timid after my outburst. “So, what are you making?”
“Teriyaki-glazed salmon, rice, and grilled veggies,” I answer, grateful she changed the subject.
“Mmmm, that sounds great.”
“Yeah. Why don’t you set the table? This won’t take long.” I finish up dinner while Rachel places silverware and napkins on the table, and in fifteen minutes, we’re eating, mostly in silence.
After dinner, I fill up her wine, grab another beer for me, and then we snuggle into the couch to watch a movie. The weight of her on my chest feels right, helping calm my nerves from earlier as I hold her in my arms, breathe her in, and remind myself that each day will bring clarity and nothing has to be decided right this minute, a mantra that becomes my motto in those moments where I start to question everything again.
I go to my parent’s house alone the next day to pick up Grayson since Rachel had an early shift at Tony’s. She’ll be home right around Grayson’s bedtime, which allows me to spend some time with my boy just the two of us, a notion I didn’t realize I needed so badly after the turmoil my heart and mind have been under in the past forty-eight hours.
“Daddy!”
“Hey, bud!” With arms out wide, I intercept my little man and scoop him up, squeezing him into my chest and savoring the feeling of him in my arms again. It’s been months since I’ve been away from him for more than one night at a time, ever since I quit the sheriff’s department.
Gently setting him down on the ground, he bounces on his feet. “I missed you, Daddy! But we had so much fun!”
“I bet you did.”
“We built a fort, ate ice cream every night, and camped in the backyard. We even looked at stars through a telescope!”
