Burned

by Ellen Hopkins

  cool and hard and instantly

  comforting—the 10mm. Waiting…

  Just then the front door slammed.

  Dad!

  Journal Entry, Oct 7

  One of my worst nightmares

  has come true. I’m pregnant.

  I really don’t know what to do.

  I can’t even call Ethan until

  Monday. Ethan. God, I need

  him so much.

  It’s kind of weird, because

  as scared as I am, a part of me

  is really happy to have Ethan’s

  baby growing inside me.

  A little Ethan, tucked right there.

  I need something beautiful inside,

  because outside I’m so ugly right now.

  Mom brought baby Sam home

  today. Oops…Samuel. No need

  to stir Dad’s pot. I’m just starting

  to heal from the last time.

  Anyway, Samuel’s all red and scrunched

  up and not pretty at all.

  Will my baby look like that?

  I don’t think so.

  My baby will be perfect because

  he’s part Ethan, part me. He?

  Where did that come from?

  On Monday

  I didn’t look so bad, so Dad

  let me go to school,

  with one heartfelt warning,

  Family secrets stay

  behind these doors.

  Like I didn’t know that.

  But I simply nodded

  and kept my mouth shut.

  Come straight home.

  Your mother needs help.

  Like I wouldn’t come

  straight home. Like I didn’t

  know she needed help.

  I want the house picked

  up. Groceries put away.

  He’d bought them the day

  before. The canned goods

  still sat in bags on the floor.

  Keep the youngsters

  out of your mom’s hair.

  Yadda. Yadda. She needed

  her rest. Poor Mom. Having

  a baby sure took it out of her.

  You do remember how

  to change a diaper, don’t you?

  Every answer I came up

  with would have gotten me

  into trouble. So I just smiled.

  By Lunch My Fingernails Were History

  I got hold of Ethan on the first ring.

  He asked me where I’d been since Thursday.

  I tried to think where to begin….

  He asked if everything was okay.

  I told him no, choked on my words….

  He said to tell him the whole thing, he had all day.

  I started with the Kotex episode….

  He kept completely quiet as I outlined my injuries.

  I moved on to driving Mom to the hospital….

  He didn’t say a word as I segued into the drive to the store.

  I broke down into quiet tears….

  He begged me not to cry, to finish my story.

  I confessed that I was pregnant.

  He promised it wasn’t the end of the world.

  I whispered that I was scared.

  He said not to worry, it would all be okay.

  I might have believed him,

  had I not glanced behind me right then.

  Carmen and Tiffany

  Had heard the whole thing, or at least

  enough of it to know my predicament.

  Oh God, the gleeful look on their faces.

  Now they possessed a powerful weapon.

  If you’ve never been on the wrong end

  of gossip, spread by malicious girls,

  you’d be surprised how fast they can

  disseminate reputation-crushing information.

  By the next day, practically everyone in school knew.

  I could see it in their eyes, hear it in their laughter.

  Even Jackie found out through the grapevine.

  She came to me, asked if it was true.

  What could I do but admit everything?

  When she asked what I was going to do,

  I still didn’t have an answer. But when

  I called Ethan again, he had one.

  Marry me, Pattyn. You know I love

  you. I’ll love the baby, too.

  And I’ll love and take care of both

  of you until the day I die.

  He Wanted Me to Tell

  Mom and Dad, but when

  I considered what happened

  over a flushed Kotex, I couldn’t do it.

  We can’t get married

  without their permission.

  “Then we’ll wait until I’m eighteen.

  The baby won’t care. Please,

  Ethan. Come and get me.”

  I was asking him to kidnap me.

  Pattyn, I don’t know…

  “Ethan, if my dad finds out, he’s

  liable to kill me. Or you. Let me

  tell you a story….”

  He listened to an ugly recitation

  about my dad, his dad, and Aunt J.

  “I didn’t want to tell you, but you

  have to understand what kind

  of man we’re dealing with.”

  He promised to come pick me up

  from school on Thursday.

  “Why Thursday?” I wasn’t

  sure it could wait another day.

  “Why not tomorrow?”

  I can’t bring you back to the dorm.

  I have to find a place for us to stay.

  That Night I Prayed

  Harder than I’d ever

  prayed before.

  “Please, God, give us the chance

  to be a family. The right kind of family.”

  In answer, overnight, He delivered

  an Arctic Event. A freezing cold

  air mass moved in from the north,

  bringing early snow to the mountains.

  Down below we got sleet, which

  froze overnight into oceans of black ice.

  The temperature hovered just a bit over

  twenty degrees. Winter, in October.

  Meanwhile, word continued to spread.

  When Trevor picked me up that day,

  I knew he’d heard. He clamped his

  hands on the steering wheel as his

  old Chevy fishtailed on the ice.

  “Careful, Trevor,” I urged.

  You mean careful like you

  weren’t? he jeered.

  I Knew He Was Hurt

  So I pretended ignorance.

  But ignorance, real or imagined,

  could not halt the ugly rumor mill.

  It was déjà vu all over again.

  Trevor told Becca and Emily.

  Becca couldn’t wait to tell her mom.

  Her mom went straight to

  Sister Rhinoceros Crandall, who

  shared the good news with her husband.

  That evening my mom got

  a call. I saw her face turn paper

  white and knew it was all coming down.

  But instead of telling Dad

  right then, she called me into

  her room. Tell me it isn’t true.

  One day. I only had to

  punt for one day. So I said,

  “Tell you what isn’t true?”

  She really didn’t want

  that kind of trouble. Pattyn,

  tell me you aren’t pregnant.

  I mustered up a look

  of sheer disbelief. “Why would

  you even ask such a thing?”

  She bought the whole

  package. I had punted eighty

  yards. But it wasn’t quite enough.

  Somehow I Made It

  Through the next day, and when

  I saw Ethan’s Dodge turn

  into the parking lot, I ran,

  almost slipping on
the ice.

  I flew through the door,

  into his arms, and the warmth

  of his kisses. As we drove

  off, I noticed Trevor

  standing there, watching.

  What I didn’t see was him

  taking down Ethan’s license

  plate number.

  Rather than waste time driving

  to Reno to reach the interstate,

  Ethan chose the more treacherous

  route over the mountain, into California.

  The highway had been plowed,

  but not well, and even in four-wheel

  drive, the tires spun a bit on the steeper

  stretches of icy pavement.

  Suddenly, Ethan said, Oh shit.

  I turned to see red and blue lights

  coming up quickly behind us.

  “Don’t stop!” I commanded.

  Instead, Ethan picked up speed,

  a bad thing to do in those

  conditions. My heart raced as

  we went sideways around a curve.

  Ethan corrected, the Dakota

  skidded sideways. He turned

  into the skid, but too hard.

  Hold on! he shouted.

  It Was the Last Thing

  I ever heard him say.

  I floated up into a cloud of white.

  Were we in California?

  “Ethan?” I heard myself ask.

  Movement. She’s awake, someone said.

  Pattyn? Can you hear me?

  Did they think I was deaf?

  “Where am I?”

  Barton Memorial. You were in an accident.

  Accident? The Dakota…“Where’s Ethan?”

  Silence. Way too much silence.

  Where were the faces that went with the voices?

  There. I screamed at them. “Where is Ethan?”

  I’m sorry, honey, said a nurse. He didn’t make it.

  Didn’t make it? They couldn’t mean…

  “No! He’s not dead! He can’t be dead! I won’t let him be dead!

  Oh God, not dead!”

  But He Was

  And so was the baby.

  Dead.

  Even that precious

  piece of Ethan.

  Dead.

  All because of Trevor.

  Dead.

  Trevor, who called

  my mom.

  Dead.

  Mom, who called Dad.

  Dead.

  Dad, who called his buddy

  the highway patrolman.

  Dead.

  Everything I loved.

  Dead.

  Everything I had to

  live for.

  Dead.

  Why couldn’t I be

  dead

  too? It was the least

  God could have done.

  I Was in the Hospital

  For over a week.

  They said my head

  had to heal.

  I knew it never would,

  not inside.

  Mom and Dad

  didn’t visit me once.

  Dad had to work.

  Mom had a new baby

  to take care of.

  Bishop Crandall

  came by. He said with prayer

  and perseverance,

  God might one day

  forgive me.

  Might.

  One day forgive me.

  I didn’t want

  His forgiveness.

  I wanted Him to let me die.

  But He wouldn’t

  even do that. No, He

  wanted to punish

  me for loving Ethan.

  Forever.

  Aunt J was wrong.

  God wasn’t love, couldn’t

  be love.

  Because for me,

  love was a corpse.

  When I Finally

  Did come home, no

  one was allowed to speak

  to me. Dad had officially

  disowned me.

  He wanted me out.

  But I had no place to go.

  Aunt J’s was not

  an option. I could never look

  Kevin in the eye again.

  I only hoped

  he wouldn’t blame Aunt J

  for the sins of her niece.

  His only son’s death

  was all my fault.

  The two of them needed

  each other more than ever,

  needed their own forever

  love to quell the pain

  of such loss.

  Jackie tried

  to intercede on my behalf,

  but Dad wouldn’t

  listen, and Mom knew better

  than to say a word.

  Dad had a new

  son. He didn’t need

  just one more daughter,

  especially not one

  as obnoxious as I.

  And so, with

  nothing at all to lose,

  and not much

  to gain but revenge, I began

  to form my plan.

  See, as Far as I’m concerned

  My life is over.

  My one forever love has

  been snatched away,

  condemned by my own

  father’s rules to die,

  just because he loved me.

  I am without a home,

  without a single person to love.

  And after having

  discovered love, lived for a short

  while surrounded by love,

  that is too much to bear.

  I am a pariah, at church,

  at school. The few people

  I once called friends have

  betrayed me and caused

  the death of my husband,

  our innocent child.

  And so they should die too.

  All of them. Dad. Bishop

  Crandall. Trevor, Becca, Emily.

  With the pull of a 10mm hair

  trigger, their lives will end

  at sacrament meeting.

  Such lovely irony!

  And when I finish there,

  I’ll hide in the desert,

  reload, and go in search

  of Carmen and Tiffany,

  who started the rumors.

  And Derek, just because.

  Plans Made

  I am sitting on the hard cement

  railing of a freeway overpass.

  Legs dangling,

  I watch the unrelenting motion

  of normal people in daily transit.

  Mind-boggling,

  how so many separate lives travel

  in such remarkable unison.

  Soul searching,

  I know that I will never squeeze

  into such a common mold.

  Brain racing,

  I struggle to reach a decision.

  God, whoever He is, only knows which way I’ll go.

  Heart breaking,

  I think that if Dad, staring down the sight of a 10mm,

  would only tell me he loves me,

  I could easily change my mind…

  …but he won’t.

  Author’s Note

  This book is fiction, but much in it is true—in particular, the stories about nuclear issues in Nevada. Those “downwinders” still alive—and their children—suffer health problems directly related to the aboveground nuclear testing that took place at the Nevada Test Site in the middle part of the twentieth century. People really were encouraged to have “blast parties,” or otherwise to sit out side to watch the mushroom clouds. The radiation badges they wore were later collected to gather data about radiation levels. I didn’t want this information to die along with the remaining downwinders.

  Parts of Nevada are desert. It is also the most mountainous state in the country, and there are beautiful rivers, lakes, and forests. It is much more than “sand and sagebrush”—not a wasteland at all. Pattyn, the protagonist
in this book, comes to love rural Nevada, where the spirit of the Old West lives on in its people. It is my hope that the portrait I paint of this rugged land will help you come to love it too.

  About the Author

  Ellen Hopkins has been writing poetry for years and has also published several nonfiction books. He r first novel, Crank, released in 2004 and quickly became a word-of-mouth sensation, garnering praise from teens and critics alike. Ellen’s other novels include Impulse and Glass, the sequel to Crank. She lives with her husband and son in Carson City, Nevada. Visit www.ellenhopkins.com and www.myspace.com/ellenhopkins.

  A Reading Group Guide to Burned by Ellen Hopkins

  ABOUT THE BOOK

  Pattyn Scarlet Von Stratten, a Mormon teen, spends most of her time caring for her younger siblings and resenting her mother’s submissive role and her father’s abusive behavior. Like many teen girls, Pattyn has a sex dream about a boy; however, raised in a household with strict religious beliefs, Pattyn wonders if dreaming about sex is wrong and begins asking questions about sex, God, a woman’s role, and love. Afraid of her alcoholic and abusive father and detached from her overworked and depressed mother, Pattyn poses questions to Brother Prior but receives no satisfactory answers. Derek Colthorpe begins paying attention to Pattyn; though Pattyn knows what she feels is lust and not love, her need to be with him is intense. When Pattyn’s father catches her in a compromising position with Derek, a non-Mormon teen, tensions between Pattyn and her father escalate, and he sends her to spend the summer on a ranch with an aunt she does not know. Pattyn is expected to find salvation and redemption during her time in rural Nevada, but Aunt J, opposing the rigidity of her brother’s religion, teaches Pattyn about acceptance and love. Pattyn falls in love with Ethan, the son of Aunt J’s old friend, but knowing her mother and siblings need her help and are victims of her father’s abuse, she returns to her family at the end of summer, leaving Ethan behind. Pattyn stays in contact with Ethan via phone, but when events take a tragic turn, Pattyn learns, despite her time with her aunt, that she cannot escape her demons.