Must Love Cats

by Brown, Tara

  “Is that done with brain surgery?” I ask, hearing only the word “drained” in that entire spiel.

  “Not always, we have options. But I’m pleased that it’s a benign sack and not a brain tumor,” she adds as if this would make me feel better. “We’ll run some more tests. Figure out the best course of action. All in all, this is good news.”

  “Okay.” I nod along but my mind is stuck on brain surgery.

  “No driving or operating heavy equipment though. Alcohol and drug use should be avoided. The dizzy spells will likely be unpredictable, as they have been.” She runs through diet and sleep and images of the cyst and pressure on the brain. There is some talk of complications, but I’m not sure how much of the conversation I hear.

  My mind is unable to move beyond brain surgery.

  “I don’t want Sam to know,” I tell her, having already informed her that we’re sort of dating.

  “Of course not. But he will know when your name lands on the surgery schedule.”

  “Okay. Well, when we’re more certain of what we’re doing, I’ll tell him.” I get up and grab my jacket. “Thanks.”

  “And expect the call for more appointments. We will be slow to get on this with the Covid situation. It’s delaying a lot of surgeries. But the referral to the specialists and surgeon will go out today.”

  “Great. Thank you.” I leave and walk outside in a haze.

  When I get out to the car where Dad is waiting for me, the only person I would allow to know because he has an innate ability to keep it together, I am numb.

  “Well?” he asks.

  “It’s a cyst from the concussion I had in the accident. They can drain it.”

  “On your brain? Is it brain surgery?” He comes to that conclusion too.

  “There are options. Something about draining it without surgery, like with a needle—” We both shudder, probably making the same face. “She’s referring me to specialists and surgeons.” This moment is the true meaning of surreal.

  “Are you going to tell Sam?”

  “No, I told him my doctor’s appointment was next week, which it was but she had an opening.”

  My dad is the only person I have told.

  And now I am not sure how to tell anyone else.

  Brain surgery?

  “I hate to say this aloud but an irrational part of me blames this all on Rod and wishes he would die of syphilis,” I mutter but my volume grows as my rage does. “I saved his job. Made sure he wouldn’t get fired. I’ve hardly said a single shitty thing about him or Elaine. I know it’s pathetic to say this, but I’m the victim of this story. Why do they get happily ever after and I get this? This bullshit!” Tears burst from my eyes. “He’s engaged and selling the house to buy some dream house with her. And I get fucking brain surgery and the inability to open up to the one guy I’ve always wanted to be with!”

  He wraps around me and lets me sob into him. He holds me so the shaking isn’t so noticeable. And he says nothing because I think he knows I don’t want some positive garbage right now.

  I cry until I’m exhausted and his shirt is soaked and there isn’t anything else to do but sit and stare at the green grass opposite the parking spot.

  Fucking brain surgery.

  And why now?

  I’m free of Rod. I’ve got my life chiseled down to something I like and feel safe with. Sam and I are finally seeing each other.

  So why now?

  Finally, Dad speaks softly, “I don’t know how you’re feeling. I can’t imagine. I know how I’m feeling as your dad. I’m scared and heartbroken. And I know you. You’re like me. You push your feelings down and try to do everything for yourself without asking for help. You’re great at moving on without taking notice of how you are. People like us push on. We don’t wallow for long.”

  He turns, revealing the tears in his eyes.

  “But this is not something you need to do alone. No harm will come from letting people in. Trust me. This is a moment to let the circle of people who love you surround you. And not because you need it. I know, you’re strong and self-sufficient. But let us in so you don’t have to be, not right now.” He reaches over and squeezes my hand.

  It’s a weird thing to say, a bit random for the moment and yet, perfectly placed here. Because truthfully, I am already thinking how to get through this on my own. Me as an island.

  “And honestly, Lil. What’s brain surgery after this fucking year?” He starts the car as we laugh.

  He’s right.

  What is brain surgery compared to everything else that’s happened?

  My phone buzzes with a call from James but I ignore it.

  “Ice cream?” Dad asks as he pulls away.

  “Yeah.” I nod and contemplate how the hell I am going to tell Liz about this. Because as much as my dad is right, and I need to let my loved ones be here for me, I don’t want to add to her problems.

  “You’re doing it already, aren’t you?” he asks.

  “Doing what?”

  “Figuring out how to not be a burden.” He turns and pulls onto the main road. “Stop it.”

  I laugh. He knows me too well.

  Chapter 37

  September 30

  I’m wheezing.

  My heart is beating so fast I might pass out.

  There’s a sour taste in my mouth from the acidic burp I did partway through the run.

  An old man jogged past me at one point, and I thought he might stop and see if I was okay.

  But he didn’t.

  And it doesn’t matter now because I did it.

  Week four of Couch to 5K is done.

  I ran.

  And nothing was chasing me.

  My whole body hurts.

  But it’s done.

  “You Sexy Thing” by Hot Chocolate plays in my ears on repeat as I make my way home from the thirty minutes of exercise.

  I feel good, more proud than healthy, but good, nonetheless.

  My cell phone rings. It’s James.

  “Hey,” I say as I answer it, actually excited that I’m winded.

  “Good news! We got an offer for the full amount and they want possession in four weeks. It’s a dream purchase. No subjects except insurance. He’s a builder so he did a full inspection during the showing, and they made a killing on their house in BC. It’s a cash deal.” James is so enthusiastic it makes me want to be happy but the truth is this is the last thing I expected today.

  “Wow, okay.” I take a deep breath and try to separate the sadness of the house selling from my self-worth and the success I’m having with running. Compartmentalizing doesn’t come naturally to me.

  “This is good, Lil. We’re having a good day. In all the other things that have happened this year, your house selling this way is freaking awesome.”

  “I’m pumped. Accept the offer, obviously. I’m sure Rod has said the same thing.”

  “Excellent. I’ll keep you posted.” He ends the call and I walk to the front of my building. I’m sweaty and red-faced so of course this is the moment I see Sam. And he’s not alone. He has Arthur with him.

  If I didn’t have bad luck . . . “Hi,” I say, forcing a smile.

  “You’re all red. Did you—run?” Sam asks as his eyes travel my body in confusion and Arthur laughs.

  “What he means to say is, ‘Nice job on the run.’” Arthur puts his elbow up for me to tap with mine. The new high five.

  “Thanks. I just finished the fourth week of Couch to 5K.” I try to rein in my bragging but I’m thrilled I did it. And lived.

  “Wow. Nice work,” Sam says, nodding along with Arthur.

  “Well, I have to get going. I’ll catch you kids later.” Arthur steps back, giving me a weird grin.

  “Okay—thanks for walking me home,” Sam adds. It’s also weird. His tone and the ‘walking me home’ thing? Why does he look like he’s up to something?

  “See you guys later.” I wave and head inside. When I get into the elevator, Sam is right b
ehind me.

  “So how was it?”

  “Hard.” I don’t bother lying to him. “A really old man passed me at one point. He probably thought I was having a heart attack.” I wrinkle my nose.

  “Awesome.” He laughs and I sigh, not nearly as quietly as I should.

  It’s been almost a year since I had sex and if it were up to my libido, Sam would be pressed against the wall of the elevator with me mauling his—whoa, girl!

  He’s staring at me while I talk myself off the horny ledge I seem to be stuck on. It’s so awkward.

  “Have dinner with me,” he blurts.

  “Okay,” I answer before I think about it. What have I done? “Uhm—”

  “Shower and come over. I’ll make something simple.”

  “Cool.” Cool, cool, cool, cool. God help me.

  “Okay.” He stands a bit taller and beams, making me realize what that weird Arthur thing was. He ditched Sam so we could be alone and he could ask me out.

  A shiver washes over me.

  “You cold now?” he asks.

  “Yeah,” I admit.

  “I get cold after I run too.” Finally, he says something stupid, and I feel much better about my lameness. I’m making a cool guy like Sam nervous.

  The elevator doors open and we walk down the hall, not saying anything.

  I pause at my door and think before speaking this time, “You know what, I forgot—”

  “You have a thing,” he says.

  “I—I do. Rain check?” I ask.

  “Absolutely.” He’s staring at me but I’m avoiding eye contact. I have a bad feeling what I’ll find.

  “Night.” I weirdly wave in the least coordinated way and struggle with my key.

  “Night,” he says as I get the door open.

  Romeo comes running.

  But there’s no chance to snuggle or kiss him. I close the door and lean against it.

  Shit!

  Double shit!

  Chapter 38

  October 31

  The dizzy spell lasts longer than I expect and I find myself on the toilet so long Shawnee comes and bangs on the door of the bathroom. “Did you die in there?”

  “No.” I say with a laugh. “Be right out.”

  I don’t have the spells often, but when I do, they are fairly draining. I end up sleeping a lot. Something I’m only getting away with not telling my friends and family about because of the elections and plague that have everyone busy and bothered.

  But the time is coming to tell them all. I can’t keep this to myself much longer. Though I don’t know how to, beyond inviting them to visit me in the hospital one at a time when I have the surgery. Dates have been pushed back again, buying me a bit of time.

  It takes effort to pull myself together and leave the bathroom.

  Shawnee doesn’t notice me coming back into the living room. Her eyes are stuck on her phone.

  “What is it?” I ask, seeing her expression filled with shock and not the good kind.

  “No—nothing.” She puts the phone away.

  “Just tell me,” I demand.

  Her eyes dart around the room. “Can’t you simply trust me that you don’t want to see this?”

  “Oh my God, give me the phone.” I hold a hand out, expectantly.

  “You’re going to regret looking.” She groans but passes it over.

  I gasp when I see it. A stunning diamond ring on one hand holding a pregnancy test that’s positive. A pretty turquoise ring is on the other hand. The tagline is “three months today.”

  “Fuck off,” I whisper. Shawnee doesn’t realize I’m speaking to God.

  “I know, I can’t believe that asshole. Actually, I can. He’s such a douchebag.”

  A minute later my phone rings. It’s Brent.

  “Did you see?” he asks before I can greet him. “A fucking kid? Is this a joke? That son of a bitch told me he was never having kids, and he was going to slowly wait it out until you eventually gave up!”

  The words add acid to the wound in my aching heart.

  “And she never wanted kids! At least it makes sense now why they’re engaged. I would bet anything that she has trapped him with this. He broke up with her during the quarantine, and she knew I would never take her back. So she roped him in and has trapped him with a baby!” His rant is crazed but makes perfect sense.

  My heart rate rises, causing the thumping in my head to become so loud I hardly hear Brent shouting over my muddled thoughts.

  “She never wanted kids either—!”

  He’s having a baby with her?

  “This is absolute bullshit—!”

  The baby I wanted so badly for a decade he’s having with her after ten months.

  “—hope she gets fat—”

  We aren’t even divorced yet and he’s giving her the life I wanted.

  Something in me cracks.

  I wobble, unable to tell if the room has tilted or I’ve stumbled.

  The pulse in my neck actually hurts.

  Brent continues his rant, but his voice fades as a stabbing pain triggers something in my head. My right eye closes and the lights strobe. I’m twitching without being able to stop myself and Shawnee is screaming.

  I lose her voice in the darkness for the second time in my life.

  The pain is everything and then it’s gone and I’m floating again.

  But this time I’m lost.

  Chapter 39

  October 31

  We’re all shivering with the outdoor barbecue at James and Liz’s house. But numbers are on the rise and social distance dinners are big again. The kids didn’t get to trick-or-treat, not with a baby sister to risk. So they’re inside playing with the boatload of new toys they’ve received from my parents. Halloween was pre-bagged treats on the deck for kids to take if they participated. Liz and James didn’t want strange kids coming to the door.

  “To the end of the line with Rod and the sale of your house,” Shawnee says as she lifts her glass into the air.

  “To the end!” I agree and we all lift. No more clinking of glasses.

  “And to Lil getting asked out by Sam. May it lead to sex!” Liz jokes, making them all laugh.

  “I hate all of you and I’m sorry I told you that,” I sneer and take a drink of the champagne.

  “And how about Lil finishing the Couch to 5K?” Anthony asks, visibly uninterested in my sex life. “We ran a full five K yesterday.”

  “You’re a goddess,” Shawnee gushes.

  “Now we work on the ten K so you and I can run together,” Liz adds.

  “Maybe.” I laugh, having no intention of running with my sister. Her competitive nature is more than I can handle when it comes to exercise.

  “Sam asked you out?” James asks.

  “Very casually. He asked if I wanted dinner. I said I was busy.” I don’t want to talk about it.

  “And changing the subject,” Anthony says like he has my back. “Are you going to house hunt now that the place is sold?”

  James points at him. “Hey, stop trying to ruin my rental situation. It’s tough finding renters in Covid.”

  We all laugh but I nod. “I was thinking about it. Maybe in the new year.”

  “Oh God, you’re not still contemplating an old heritage home that needs a bunch of work?” Liz moans and rolls her eyes. She loves teasing me about my dream to fix up an old gut job.

  “A fixer-upper?” Anthony’s brow furrows. “I didn’t know you wanted to do that.”

  “It was a dream of mine before,” I say softly, not sure if it still is.

  “Well, if you’re looking for a fixer, there is a perfect one on Bloomingdale Terrace.” Anthony gets excited by real estate, something Shawnee and I find adorable. “It has to be a new listing. I run past there every couple of days, and I just saw the sign go up. It’s incredible. ‘Worst house, best street’ sort of thing.”

  “Oh yeah.” James gasps. “I know exactly the house you mean. That is a perfect Lilly house. Needs
a gut but the bones are magical. Great porch. I would say it’s a hundred and fifty years old, if not more. In its day, it was a stunner.”

  “Really?” My heart does a tiny flutter but I suppress it. “I should wait. I mean, we’re not properly divorced yet.”

  “The divorce finalizes what, Valentine’s Day? As per the rental agreement you have.” Liz winks. “That’s not so long.” Fudging the separation agreement date to give myself a special Valentine’s gift next year was her idea. “I’m going to check on the kids,” she says and stands.

  Shawnee’s phone vibrates and she glances at it. There’s a change in her from whatever she sees.

  Anthony notices. “What is so fascinating that you just have to look?” He teases about how much she is on her phone but she doesn’t bite this time.

  Something’s off.

  Her eyes flicker to mine.

  “What?” I ask.

  Pain floods her stare. She doesn’t want me to know whatever she is seeing.

  “Seriously, what?” I refuse to drop it.

  She hands her phone to Anthony who doesn’t glance at it. He’s such a gentleman. He passes it to me. In the dancing light of the gas firepit I gasp.

  Two hands hold a pregnancy test. On one hand sits a stunning diamond ring, and on the other the turquoise ring. The tagline is “three months today.”

  My phone rings, it’s Brent. I let the call go to message, preferring to talk to him when I’m alone on my drive home. I’ll let him rant while I maintain my belief they are not worth another minute of our time. A belief that’s being tested as I look at this image.

  “Elaine is pregnant,” I say calmly, fighting the storm inside me. My insides burn, but I take a deep breath and hold the phone for James to see. He winces.

  “He’s disgusting and they deserve each other,” Shawnee mutters.

  “More champagne, Lil?” James asks.

  “No, I’m good with the one glass. I’m doing another five K tomorrow.”