On the Edge of Darkness

by Barbara Erskine

  He stood looking down for a few minutes, feeling the wind, cold now, on the back of his neck, and he shivered. There were goosepimples on his thin arms beneath his sweater. He felt sick. Where had his mother gone? What had happened to her? Why hadn’t she told him where she was going? Why hadn’t she taken him with her? Why hadn’t she at least left him a note?

  It was better to keep moving. Walking in the almost-darkness amongst the trees with the flash of white water on his right needed all his concentration. If he walked he couldn’t think. He didn’t want to think.

  Turning, he scrambled on, feeling his wet plimsolls slide on the track, and he grabbed at the wiry branches of the larch which hung over him to stop himself falling as he headed for the stone.

  It was completely dark when he reached the cross-slab at last. He doubled over, panting, aware that the moment he stopped moving the icy wind would strip away his bodyheat within seconds. He didn’t care. The moment he stopped moving he could no longer fend off the misery which was flooding through him. His mother. His adored, lovely, bright, pretty mother was gone and, he shuddered at the memory of his father’s words. What had she done? What could she have done? He wrapped his arms around himself, hunching his shoulders. He had never felt so alone, or so afraid.

  She had never seen the boy come up here in the dark before. Behind the hills in the east a silver glow showed where soon the half moon would rise above the black rocks and flood the countryside with light. Then she would be able to see him more clearly. Quietly she waited.

  Behind her, her brother Gartnait, five years her senior, was packing up his tools and stretching his arms above his head until his joints cracked. Between one moment and the next a black silhouetted moon-shadow ran across the ground at his feet. The light caught the gleam of an iron chisel and he stooped to pick it up.

  Brid crept forward a little. The boy had a thin, attractive face with a child’s nose still, but his shoulders and knees were beginning already to show the coltishness which would come before he developed the stature of a man. She stared at his clothes, colourless in the pale light, and she crept nearer. He never seemed to do much when he came up to the hill. Sometimes he sat for hours, his arms wrapped around his legs, his chin on his knees, just staring into space. A few times he had come up to Gartnait’s stone and touched the carving with his finger, tracing the lines. Twice, in the hot months, he had stretched out on the hot ground and slept. On one of those occasions she had drawn closer, until she was standing over him and her slim shadow had touched his face. He had frowned and screwed up his nose and put his hand to his forehead, but he hadn’t opened his eyes.

  She could feel his misery. It was sucking at her energy, swirling round him in a cloak of black waves which lapped out into the darkness and touched her with its cold.

  Perhaps her sympathy was so great it had become tangible; whatever the reason, he looked up suddenly, startled as though he had heard something, and he looked straight at her. She saw his eyes widen. Instinctively his hand brushed his cheek and he straightened his shoulders to hide his misery. His momentary fear at seeing a figure in the shadows gave way to relief when he realised it was the girl he had seen earlier and he made a brave attempt at a smile. ‘Hello.’

  She frowned. She did not recognise the word, though the smile was friendly. She stepped forward.

  When she spoke to him it was in the language of her birth, the language of the ancient Picts.

  His heartbeat had steadied a little. The exhaustion of the steep climb, for the second time that day, and then the girl appearing out of the darkness of the trees had made him gasp for breath. He stared at her, more puzzled than startled now. She had said something to him in words he didn’t understand. Gaelic, he supposed, a language his father considered to be barbaric. He shrugged at her. ‘I don’t understand.’

  Even in that dim light he could see the brightness of her eyes, the pert tilt of her nose and chin. She was wearing a rough dress which looked as though it were made of some sort of leather.

  She shrugged back, mimicking him, and then she giggled.

  He found himself laughing too and suddenly daring she moved closer and touched her finger to his cheek, removing imaginary tears. Her mime was clear. Why are you sad? Cheer up. Then her hands dropped to his and she gave a theatrical shiver. She was right. He was very cold.

  He wasn’t quite sure how he came to follow her. His misery, his cold, his hunger, all were persuasive. When she caught his hand and tugged at it, miming food in her mouth, he nodded eagerly and went with her.

  He followed her towards the stone, his fingers brushing across the well-known shapes as he walked past it. There was a drift of mist across the path and he hesitated, but when she tugged again at his hand he went on, stopping only when he saw her brother. The tall young man, his tools now stowed in a leather bag slung over his shoulder, looked as startled as he was himself. He spoke quietly and urgently to the girl and she retorted with words quite obviously cheeky. It was then she introduced herself. She pointed to her chest. ‘Brid,’ she said firmly. She pronounced it Breed. ‘Gartnait.’ This was said thumping the young man’s shoulder.

  Adam grinned. He pointed to his own stomach. ‘Adam,’ he said.

  ‘A-dam.’ She repeated the word softly. Then she laughed again.

  They walked for about twenty minutes around the shoulder of the ridge, following a faint deer track through the heather before Adam saw in the distance below them the flickering light of a fire. As they scrambled down towards it he smelled meat cooking. Venison, he reckoned, and the juices in his mouth ran. He hadn’t eaten since lunchtime. He refused to think about the empty cold kitchen at home, concentrating instead on his new friends.

  At the sight of their destination he frowned slightly. It was no more than a round ramshackle bothy, thatched with rushes, hidden in a fold of the hill beside a tumbling burn. The fire, he saw as they drew closer, was being tended by a woman, from her looks the mother of Brid and Gartnait, who, he had already guessed, were brother and sister. The woman, tall and slim, very erect when she straightened from poking the logs beneath her cooking pot, had hair as dark as her daughter’s, and the same clear grey eyes. Throwing down her makeshift poker she made him welcome, a little shyly, and pointing to a fur rug spread on the ground near the fire indicated that he sit down. Her name, Brid told him, was Gemma. Gartnait, he saw, had gone to wash the stonedust from his hands in the stream. Brid too had disappeared inside the bothy. She returned seconds later with four plates and a loaf of bread which she broke into four pieces and laid on the plates near the fire.

  The meal he was given was, he thought, the best he had eaten in his whole life. The bread was rough and full of flavour, spread with thick creamy butter. With it they ate – with their fingers – venison cut into wafer-thin portions by Gartnait’s razor-sharp knife, mountain trout, cooked on slender twigs above the fire, and wedges of crumbling white cheese. Then there was more bread to mop up the rich gravy. To drink they had something which Adam, who had never touched alcohol in his life, suspected was some kind of heather ale. Mesmerised by the fire and the food and by his smiling though silent companions he drank heavily and within minutes, leaning back against a log, he was fast asleep.

  He was awakened by Brid’s hand on his knee. For a moment he couldn’t think where he was, then he realised he was still outside. To his surprise he found he was lying warmly wrapped in a heavy woollen blanket. The fuzz of the wool was soaked with dew as he sat up and began to unwrap himself, but inside he was warm and dry.

  ‘A-dam.’ He loved the way she pronounced his name, carefully, liltingly, a little as though it were a French word. She pointed up at the sky. To his horror he could see the streaks of dawn above the hill. He had been out all night. His father would kill him if he found out. Frightened, he began to scramble to his feet.

  Behind Brid her mother was bending over a brightly burning fire. Something was simmering in the pot suspended above it. He sniffed and Brid clapped h
er hands. She nodded and, taking a pottery bowl from her mother, spooned some sort of thin porridge into it. Taking it from her he sniffed, tasted, and burned his tongue. As breakfasts went it was pretty tasteless, not nearly as nice as the meal the night before, but it filled his stomach and when at last Brid led him back the way they had come he was feeling comparatively cheerful.

  The cross-slab was wrapped once more in mist as they passed close beside it and he walked onto the hillside and stood looking down at his own valley, still wrapped in darkness. Brid pointed, with a little smile, and Adam stepped away from her. ‘Goodbye,’ he said. ‘And thanks.’

  ‘Goodbye and thanks.’ The girl repeated the words softly. With a wave she turned and vanished into the mist.

  The manse looked bleak in the cold dawn light. There was still no smoke coming from the chimneys and the front door was locked. Biting his lip nervously Adam ran soundlessly round the side, praying under his breath that the kitchen door would be open. It wasn’t. He stood there for a moment undecided, looking up at the blank windows at the back of the house. The awful misery was returning. Swallowing it down he turned and headed back into the street.

  The manse might still be asleep but the village was stirring. The sweet smell of woodsmoke filled the air as he turned up Bridge Street and into Jeannie Barron’s gate and knocked tentatively at the door. The sound was greeted by a frenzy of wild barking.

  The door was opened seconds later by Jeannie’s burly husband, Ken. A pretty sheltie was leaping round his heels, plainly delighted to see Adam, who stooped to give her a hug. The dog had been his once. But for some reason Adam had never understood his father had disapproved of his son having a pet and the puppy had been given to Jeannie. Ken stared down at Adam with a surprised frown and then turned and called over his shoulder, ‘Jeannie, it’s the minister’s lad.’

  Jeannie’s kindly pink-cheeked face appeared behind him. She was wearing her overall just as she always did at the manse.

  ‘Hello, Mrs Barron.’ Adam looked at her and to his intense embarrassment his eyes flooded with tears.

  ‘Adam.’ She pushed past her husband and enveloped the boy in a huge plump hug. ‘Oh, my poor wee boy.’ He was almost as tall as she was but for the moment he was a small child again, seeking comfort and warmth and affection in her arms.

  She ushered him into her kitchen, pushed her husband outside and sat Adam down at her table. A mug of milky tea and a thick wedge of bread and jam later she stood looking down at him. His pale face had regained its colour and the tears had dried but there was no disguising the misery in the boy’s face. The dog was sitting pressed against his legs.

  ‘Now, do you understand what’s happened?’ She sat down opposite him and reached for the large brown teapot.

  He shrugged. ‘Father said Mother has gone.’ The tears were very near. ‘He said she had sinned.’

  ‘She’s not sinned!’ The strength of her voice helped him control the sob which was lurking in his throat. ‘Your mother is a decent, beautiful, good woman. But she’s been driven to the end of the road by that man.’

  Adam frowned. Not recognising her metaphor he pictured a car, driven by a stranger.

  Jeannie Barron scowled. Her fair hair leaped round her head in coiled springs as she wielded her pot and filled both their mugs again. ‘How she put up with him so long, I’ll never know. I only hope she’ll find happiness where she’s gone.’

  ‘Where has she gone?’ He looked at her desperately.

  She shook her head. ‘I don’t know, Adam, and that’s the truth.’

  ‘But she’d tell you?’ Adam was biting his lip.

  She shook her head again. ‘She told no one that I know.’

  ‘But why did she leave me behind?’ It was the bewildered cry of a small child. ‘Why didn’t she take me with her?’

  Jeannie pursed her lips. ‘I don’t know.’ She sighed unhappily. ‘It’s not because she doesn’t love you. You must believe that. Perhaps she didn’t know herself where she was going. Perhaps she’ll send for you a wee bit later.’

  ‘Do you think so?’ His huge brown eyes were pleading.

  Meeting them she couldn’t lie to him and give him the reassurance he wanted. All she could say was, ‘I hope so, Adam, I do hope so.’ Susan Craig had been her friend but not her confidante. To confide too much in another was not in her nature. It was enough that she knew that Jeannie would be there for Adam.

  It was as he was standing up to leave he remembered why they were here in her kitchen and not in the manse. ‘Do you really not work for us any more?’

  She shook her head. ‘I’m sorry, Adam. Your father doesn’t want me there.’

  She would never tell anyone, never mind the boy, the vile, furious words the distraught man had flung at her when she had tried to defend and then excuse his wife’s decision to leave. She put her hands on Adam’s shoulders, her heart aching for the boy. With her own family long gone and scattered round Scotland and one of them in Canada she had always thought of Adam privately as the child of her middle years. ‘Listen, Adam. I want you to remember I’m here if you need me. You can come to me any time.’ She held his gaze firmly. ‘Any time, Adam.’

  She had a shrewd idea what the boy was going back to and she didn’t envy him. But he had courage, she had always admired him for that.

  When he turned into the gate and approached the house this time the front door was open. He hesitated in the hall. The door to his father’s study was shut and he glanced at the stairs, wondering if he could reach them in time on his silent rubber soles. He was almost there when he heard the door behind him open. Panic flooded into his throat. For a moment he thought, as he turned to face his father, that he was going to be sick.

  Thomas Craig stood back, gesturing the boy into his study with a sharp jerk of his head. The man’s face was grey and he was unshaven. As he closed the door behind his son, he reached up to the hook on the back of it and brought down the broad leather belt which hung there.

  Adam whimpered, the ice of fear pouring over his shoulders and down his back, his skin already taut with terror at the beating that was coming. ‘Father – ’

  ‘Where were you last night?’

  ‘On the hill, Father. I’m sorry. I got lost in the mist.’

  ‘You disobeyed me. I told you to go to your room. I had to look for you. I searched the village. And the riverbank, I didn’t know what had happened to you!’

  ‘I’m sorry, Father.’ He was ashamed of himself for being so afraid but he couldn’t help it. ‘I was upset.’ His words were very quiet.

  ‘Upset?’ His father echoed them. He pulled the leather strap through his hand and doubled it into his fist. ‘You think that excuses disobedience?’

  ‘No, Father.’ Adam clutched his hands together to stop them shaking.

  ‘And you accept that God would want you punished?’

  No, he was screaming inside himself. no. mummy says god is the god of love. he forgives. he wouldn’t want me beaten.

  ‘Well?’ Thomas’s voice came out as a hiss.

  ‘Yes, Father,’ Adam whispered.

  His father stood for a moment in silence, looking at him, then he pulled an upright wooden chair out from the wall and placing it in front of his desk he pointed at it.

  Adam was trembling. ‘Please, Father – ’

  ‘Not another word.’

  ‘Father – ’

  ‘God is waiting, Adam!’ The minister’s voice roared suddenly above his son’s whispered plea.

  Adam gave up. His legs shaking so much he could hardly move he went to the chair and bent over it, stuffing one fist miserably into his mouth.

  Thomas Craig was a just man in his way, sincere in the austere, hard religion which he preached. He knew in some part of himself that the boy’s misery at losing his mother must be as great, perhaps greater, than his own at losing his wife, but as he started to swing the leather strap down onto the child’s defenceless back something inside him snapped. Agai
n and again he swung the belt, seeing, not the narrow hips and scruffy shirt and shorts of a fourteen-year-old boy, but the figure of his beautiful, provocative, unruly wife. It was not until the boy slid into an ungainly heap at his feet that he stopped, appalled, staring down in disbelief.

  ‘Adam?’ He dropped the belt. He knelt beside the boy and stared in horror at the oozing welts which were appearing on the back of the boy’s thighs, the long bloody stains soaking through his shorts.

  ‘Adam?’ He reached out his hand to his son’s awkwardly angled head and drew back, afraid suddenly to touch him. ‘What have I done?’

  Swallowing hard, he backed away and moving blindly to his desk he sat down at it and picked up his Bible. Clutching it to his chest he sat without moving for a long time. On the blotter before him, torn into small pieces, lay the note Susan Craig had left for her son, a note Adam would never see.

  In the hall outside, the long case clock ticked slowly on. It struck the half hour and then the hour and as the long sonorous notes echoed into silence Thomas stirred at last.

  Lifting the unconscious boy he carried him upstairs and laid him tenderly on the bed and only then did he find the strength to walk into his own bedroom for the first time since Susan had left him. He stood looking round. Her brushes and comb lay on the table in the window. Otherwise there was no sign of her in the room. But there never had been. He had always discouraged ornaments and fripperies. He did not permit flowers in the house.

  He hesitated for a moment then he walked over to the huge old mahogany wardrobe. The righthand door concealed his own meagre selection of black suits; the lefthand door her clothes. More than his, but not many more: the two suits, one navy and one black, the two black hats which sat on the shelf above them and the three cotton dresses, washed and ironed again and again, with the high necks and the long sleeves and sober autumnal colours which he considered suitable for her summer wear. She had two pairs of black lace-up shoes. He pulled open the door, steeling himself to find the clothes gone, but they were there. All of them. He was not prepared to see them, not prepared for his own reaction. The wave of grief and love and loss which swept over him shook him to the core. Unable to stop himself he pulled one of the dresses from its wooden hanger and, hugging it in his arms, he buried his face in it and wept.