Mrs. Lirriper's Legacy

by Charles Dickens

heat andaltogether gave me a dreadful palpitation. "Don't be frightened dearestmadam," says the Major, "--Fire! There's nothing to be alarmed at--Fire!Don't open the street door till I come back--Fire! I'll go and see if Ican be of any service--Fire! You're quite composed and comfortable ain'tyou?--Fire, Fire, Fire!" It was in vain for me to hold the man and tellhim he'd be galloped to death by the engines--pumped to death by his over-exertions--wet-feeted to death by the slop and mess--flattened to deathwhen the roofs fell in--his spirit was up and he went scampering offafter the young monkey with all the breath he had and none to spare, andme and the girls huddled together at the parlour windows looking at thedreadful flames above the houses over the way, Mr. Buffle's being roundthe corner. Presently what should we see but some people running downthe street straight to our door, and then the Major directing operationsin the busiest way, and then some more people and then--carried in achair similar to Guy Fawkes--Mr. Buffle in a blanket!

  My dear the Major has Mr. Buffle brought up our steps and whisked intothe parlour and carted out on the sofy, and then he and all the rest ofthem without so much as a word burst away again full speed leaving theimpression of a vision except for Mr. Buffle awful in his blanket withhis eyes a rolling. In a twinkling they all burst back again with Mrs.Buffle in another blanket, which whisked in and carted out on the sofythey all burst off again and all burst back again with Miss Buffle inanother blanket, which again whisked in and carted out they all burst offagain and all burst back again with Mr. Buffle's articled young gentlemanin another blanket--him a holding round the necks of two men carrying himby the legs, similar to the picter of the disgraceful creetur who haslost the fight (but where the chair I do not know) and his hair havingthe appearance of newly played upon. When all four of a row, the Majorrubs his hands and whispers me with what little hoarseness he can gettogether, "If our dear remarkable boy was only at home what a delightfultreat this would be for him!"

  My dear we made them some hot tea and toast and some hot brandy-and-waterwith a little comfortable nutmeg in it, and at first they were scared andlow in their spirits but being fully insured got sociable. And the firstuse Mr. Buffle made of his tongue was to call the Major his Preserver andhis best of friends and to say "My for ever dearest sir let me make youknown to Mrs. Buffle" which also addressed him as her Preserver and herbest of friends and was fully as cordial as the blanket would admit of.Also Miss Buffle. The articled young gentleman's head was a little lightand he sat a moaning "Robina is reduced to cinders, Robina is reduced tocinders!" Which went more to the heart on account of his having gotwrapped in his blanket as if he was looking out of a violinceller case,until Mr. Buffle says "Robina speak to him!" Miss Buffle says "DearGeorge!" and but for the Major's pouring down brandy-and-water on theinstant which caused a catching in his throat owing to the nutmeg and aviolent fit of coughing it might have proved too much for his strength.When the articled young gentleman got the better of it Mr. Buffle leanedup against Mrs. Buffle being two bundles, a little while in confidence,and then says with tears in his eyes which the Major noticing wiped, "Wehave not been an united family, let us after this danger become so, takeher George." The young gentleman could not put his arm out far to do it,but his spoken expressions were very beautiful though of a wanderingclass. And I do not know that I ever had a much pleasanter meal than thebreakfast we took together after we had all dozed, when Miss Buffle madetea very sweetly in quite the Roman style as depicted formerly at CoventGarden Theatre and when the whole family was most agreeable, as they haveever proved since that night when the Major stood at the foot of the Fire-Escape and claimed them as they came down--the young gentlemanhead-foremost, which accounts. And though I do not say that we should beless liable to think ill of one another if strictly limited to blankets,still I do say that we might most of us come to a better understanding ifwe kept one another less at a distance.

  Why there's Wozenham's lower down on the other side of the street. I hada feeling of much soreness several years respecting what I must stillever call Miss Wozenham's systematic underbidding and the likeness of thehouse in Bradshaw having far too many windows and a most umbrageous andoutrageous Oak which never yet was seen in Norfolk Street nor yet acarriage and four at Wozenham's door, which it would have been far moreto Bradshaw's credit to have drawn a cab. This frame of mind continuedbitter down to the very afternoon in January last when one of my girls,Sally Rairyganoo which I still suspect of Irish extraction though familyrepresented Cambridge, else why abscond with a bricklayer of the Limerickpersuasion and be married in pattens not waiting till his black eye wasdecently got round with all the company fourteen in number and one horsefighting outside on the roof of the vehicle,--I repeat my dear my ill-regulated state of mind towards Miss Wozenham continued down to the veryafternoon of January last past when Sally Rairyganoo came banging (I canuse no milder expression) into my room with a jump which may be Cambridgeand may not, and said "Hurroo Missis! Miss Wozenham's sold up!" My dearwhen I had it thrown in my face and conscience that the girl Sally hadreason to think I could be glad of the ruin of a fellow-creeter, I burstinto tears and dropped back in my chair and I says "I am ashamed ofmyself!"

  Well! I tried to settle to my tea but I could not do it what withthinking of Miss Wozenham and her distresses. It was a wretched nightand I went up to a front window and looked over at Wozenham's and as wellas I could make it out down the street in the fog it was the dismallestof the dismal and not a light to be seen. So at last I save to myself"This will not do," and I puts on my oldest bonnet and shawl not wishingMiss Wozenham to be reminded of my best at such a time, and lo and beholdyou I goes over to Wozenham's and knocks. "Miss Wozenham at home?" Isays turning my head when I heard the door go. And then I saw it wasMiss Wozenham herself who had opened it and sadly worn she was poor thingand her eyes all swelled and swelled with crying. "Miss Wozenham" I says"it is several years since there was a little unpleasantness betwixt uson the subject of my grandson's cap being down your Airy. I haveoverlooked it and I hope you have done the same." "Yes Mrs. Lirriper"she says in a surprise, "I have." "Then my dear" I says "I should beglad to come in and speak a word to you." Upon my calling her my dearMiss Wozenham breaks out a crying most pitiful, and a not unfeelingelderly person that might have been better shaved in a nightcap with ahat over it offering a polite apology for the mumps having workedthemselves into his constitution, and also for sending home to his wifeon the bellows which was in his hand as a writing-desk, looks out of theback parlour and says "The lady wants a word of comfort" and goes inagain. So I was able to say quite natural "Wants a word of comfort doesshe sir? Then please the pigs she shall have it!" And Miss Wozenham andme we go into the front room with a wretched light that seemed to havebeen crying too and was sputtering out, and I says "Now my dear, tell meall," and she wrings her hands and says "O Mrs. Lirriper that man is inpossession here, and I have not a friend in the world who is able to helpme with a shilling."

  It doesn't signify a bit what a talkative old body like me said to MissWozenham when she said that, and so I'll tell you instead my dear thatI'd have given thirty shillings to have taken her over to tea, only Idurstn't on account of the Major. Not you see but what I knew I coulddraw the Major out like thread and wind him round my finger on mostsubjects and perhaps even on that if I was to set myself to it, but himand me had so often belied Miss Wozenham to one another that I wasshamefaced, and I knew she had offended his pride and never mine, andlikewise I felt timid that that Rairyganoo girl might make thingsawkward. So I says "My dear if you could give me a cup of tea to clearmy muddle of a head I should better understand your affairs." And we hadthe tea and the affairs too and after all it was but forty pound,and--There! she's as industrious and straight a creeter as ever lived andhas paid back half of it already, and where's the use of saying more,particularly when it ain't the point? For the point is that when she wasa kissing my hands and holding them in hers and kissing them again andblessing blessing blessing, I cheered up
at last and I says "Why what awaddling old goose I have been my dear to take you for something so verydifferent!" "Ah but I too" says she "how have _I_ mistaken _you_!" "Comefor goodness' sake tell me" I says "what you thought of me?" "O" saysshe "I thought you had no feeling for such a hard hand-to-mouth life asmine, and were rolling in affluence." I says shaking my sides (and veryglad to do it for I had been a choking quite long enough) "Only look atmy figure my dear and give me your opinion whether if I was in affluenceI should be likely to roll in it?" That did