I wonder what my other strengths are. I tried to think of what else Harshad would say, but recalling that he had just dismissed me as too easily distracted, I tucked the question away for another time. I consoled myself with the knowledge that even if he did tell me my strengths, he would do it in the same backhanded manner Lady POW did.
A new idea popped into my head. Lady Penelope’s teachings had worked against her, and I wanted to know if Harshad’s had that same capability.
“Harshad?” Despite his teaching, and all the time we had spent together in the recent weeks, his name felt strange coming out of my mouth.
Perhaps that was why he did not reprimand me right away.
“What is it?” he asked.
“What is your weakness?”
He was silent for a long moment, and I was sure he was going to refrain from answering. But then he sighed. “Several of your own,” he admitted. “But there are others, too.”
I put my hands on my hips, a sinful sense of satisfaction coursing through me. “It is good to know you’re not perfect.”
“Your mother is one.”
At the mention of my mother and his admission, I froze. I had not been expecting him to admit any specific weaknesses, let alone one that seemed so personal.
“Amir says you are curious about her most of all,” Harshad said. “Is that true?”
It was suddenly very hard for me to swallow. “Yes,” I whispered.
“I thought as much.” Harshad’s eyes lost their hardened quality, and he seemed much older all of a sudden. “If you do well with your sessions, I will tell you more about her.”
I pursed my lips. “Does that mean you’ll tell me something about her today?”
“I have already admitted she was a weakness of mine,” he reminded me. “That is enough for today, is it not?”
“Well, you said she was a weakness, but you didn’t explain how.” I crossed my arms over my chest. “That seems like a fair follow-up question.”
“Fair, but foul as well.”
“Paradoxes are not the same thing as contradictions,” I reminded him.
“It is good to see your wit is quite a weapon.” Harshad nodded. “But it also shows that I was right. When you want something, you are much more focused.”
I blushed, unsure as always if it was a compliment or an insult or even both. Harshad had been merciless in forcing Ben to admit to his hidden resentments and his insecurities, and now I was sure he was going to do the same with me. Harshad was focused, too, and I had to give him credit for it. I saw now that he was willing to do anything to see that I became a better fighter.
He sat down, crossing his legs on the floor. He motioned for me to follow, and I did.
“Why did you join the Order, Eleanora?”
“To help save others,” I answered.
Nothing changed on his face, but his tone softened ever so slightly. He closed his eyes and breathed in deeply. “There is more to it than that.”
“Well, I wanted to be free from Cecilia,” I admitted. “And I thought ... my mother ...”
My voice trailed off as I thought about my mother. Máma had been a beautiful ghost of sorts, a memory never real enough to satisfy me. I wanted to grow up to be a true lady, as she was, and make her proud; I had no idea how to do that. In meeting Lady Penelope, I had been hoping for some way to capture that ghost, to make the memory more real, to resurrect the dead long enough to find my way in life.
How did someone admit to that? How could I put into words that I was on a strange, illogical quest for my mother, looking for approval and acceptance I feared I would never find in anyone else?
“I met Dezda for the first time when she was very small,” Harshad said, jolting me out of my introspections. I blinked to see he was watching me intently, and I wondered if he was able to make sense of my own confusion. “Your grandmother was still working with Jakub at the time.”
“You knew my grandfather, too?”
“I knew him before I met Pepé,” he said. “She was his mistress when I met him.”
An involuntary blush heated my cheeks and I coughed, choking on air.
Harshad sighed. “You are old enough to not be surprised.”
“According to Society, I’m supposed to be horrified,” I said. “Surprised is much more mild.”
“Society is so strict with youth. And in many ways, I can understand it. So many people suffer needlessly when people are careless. Rules are there for reasons, even if those reasons might seem strange to others. But there are exceptions in every case, and you need to watch for them.”
“I’ve already noticed Lady Penelope makes up her own rules,” I said. “You don’t need to tell me that.”
I was surprised to see the smile on his face. The little lines on either side of his lips tightened together in little batches, wrinkling his face as much as humanizing it.
“Exactly. But that was something she picked up from Jakub, and something that she only enacted when he grew increasingly uncomfortable with her involvement with the Order. She had an aunt who was a member of the Order before her, who ran a brothel in the streets of London. When Pepé’s father died, she was sent there to work, learning how to coerce gentlemen into giving up their secrets.”
I did not say anything, this time too shocked and horrified. The truth seemed too awful for words, even though I was suddenly very glad Lady POW did not teach me the full curriculum on sexual manipulation. I had a feeling it was even larger than I originally feared.
“Dezda, by Lady Penelope’s own words, was a ... miscalculation,” Harshad continued. “But ... But I certainly never saw her as such, and as Her Majesty Queen Victoria took more interest in my work and Pepé became her close acquaintance, I made it my mission to convince Pepé that Dezda was a blessing to us. She was the next generation of our legacy, working for the Crown and helping maintain the order of the world.”
The rest of the story’s outline fell into place as I listened to him. Amir had told me before that he had met my mother in Agra, in India, when he was on business with his father. They were there with Harshad. Lady Penelope and my mother had come along with him in order to escape Jakub and begin a new life.
Lady Penelope had been irrevocably disillusioned with men and relationships, and as proud as she was, she would not allow Harshad to rescue her from her disappointments. My mother might have been repulsed by Amir at first, but when she fell in love with him, she found there was nothing she wanted more.
Well, almost nothing, I recalled. Máma wanted her freedom, and she wanted a family of her own.
“Do you know why I am telling you this, Eleanora?” Harshad’s voice, always so strict and brusque, was almost calming.
I shook my head. “No.”
“I have two reasons for doing so. The first is practical in our lesson. Your mother is the key to your focus. I was hoping she could also lend some help with your balance.”
“I’m not sure how learning about her would help with balance.”
“Balance must be inward as much as outward,” Harshad explained. “There are too many lies and too many secrets that surround us.”
“You could just get Lady POW to admit to her secrets,” I pointed out. “That would help.”
“That is the second reason for my explanation. Secrets are different from lies,” Harshad said. “When we lie, that is when we inflict damage to ourselves and others. Secrets, even the ones we keep from ourselves, sometimes protect us as much as they can hurt us. It is much harder to calculate the risk when it comes to secrets.”
“But they hurt others, too,” I said. “Just look at Lord Maximillian and Karl. And even Tulia, too. She kept me and Ben a secret from Lady Penelope for all these years. We have a duty to find out the truth.”
“Sharing secrets is a sign of trust,” Harshad said. “Your duties for the Order do not need to supersede your relationships; the wisdom you learn should inform your decisions, not dictate them. And that is the slippery p
art of free will.”
He gave me a knowing look. “You have your own secrets, Eleanora. You know this is true. Secrets offer us freedom from the world, but they can enslave us, too. They let us draw close to some and push us farther away from others.”
I did not say anything, slipping into a thoughtful silence as Harshad gave me another assessing look. “That is why the search for truth must be an ongoing process.”
“What do you mean?”
“Do you know what will be even more perfect than our first day in Heaven, Eleanora?”
The question was unusual and seemed to be misplaced, but luckily, Harshad did not wait for my answer.
“Our second day and the third day will be even more perfect.”
“You can’t have something ‘more perfect,’” I said. “Perfect is perfect.”
“I both agree and disagree. This seeming complication does not stop the Americans,” Harshad said. “But it is not poor learning as I would have assumed before. Perfection for us as human creatures is not stagnation; perfection for God is different, of course.”
I thought about what Lady POW had said before, about not trusting anyone, especially the people who would fail her. I realized before that it was an absurd premise, but she was not seeing the same thing I was. She was looking at the paradox as stagnant, and I had known, instinctively, that it was malleable.
“I told you the truth about your grandmother’s past, including some of the secrets she carries,” Harshad said. “But you are still not any more inclined to trust her with your secrets, are you?”
I blushed at his perception and shook my head. “No.”
He nodded. “I thought as much. Trust is a process, especially in a fallen world.”
Perhaps for once, I understood why Harshad wanted me to remain silent while he talked. Everything he said was intentional, designed to tantalize the mind. I was suddenly appalled when I realized how much I had likely missed in our sessions before.
I hoped I would be able to make up for it, after our mission was over.
When he did speak again, it seemed as though ages had passed. “You really are so much like Dezda. I wanted to see for myself how different you are, and that required time.” His voice was much more of a whisper, and I knew he was taking a risk, and letting me know one of his secrets. “I know you are different enough that I can freely admit that I came to regret training Dezda. I did not want to make the same mistake with you.”
“This is not a mistake,” I said, but I felt my resolve weaken. I remembered how Ferdy told me that the Order of the Crystal Daggers was full of assassins, and I had nothing to say in return. He was likely right. I did not know if I was comfortable having the talent to kill someone.
Harshad seemed to agree with my unspoken concerns. “Fighting is contrary to your nature.”
“Being stubborn and contrary is not.” A wry grin appeared on my face, and I was suddenly determined to change the subject. “Besides, Lady Penelope says that Society can only exist when people do things that are unacceptable to save it.”
“That does not mean you must be such a person.”
“I do not agree,” I said. “I am free to see the truth of such a calling, even if it is uncomfortable.”
“This is not what you want.”
I did not know how to respond; Harshad was right. I had my doubts about the Order, about working with people who would, as Lady POW said, would fail me.
But I was at the castle when Karl and Lord Maximillian’s attack commenced. If I had done nothing at all, if I had backed away from Lady Penelope’s offer, if I had jumped at the chance to travel abroad and find a husband, or if I had taken enough of her money to start up Liberté with Ben, I would not have been able to save Ferdy.
And he was worth it. Protecting Ferdy was worth it.
As if to prove myself, I stood up and moved back toward the center of the room and took a fighting stance. “If you’re going to help me win against Xiana, I’m going to need to learn more advanced moves than you’ve been having me and Ben go over.”
Harshad turned around, reverting back to his solemn, unreadable self as we remained content to let the topic drop. “You are correct; Xiana is quite the skilled fighter. That is certainly no secret.”
*11*
◊
Later that evening, I stepped down from Lady Penelope’s coach and made my way into the Stavovské divadlo. I was dressed in the extravagant gown of a socialite, a member of Society. The weight of the gown surprised me, after days of working in my stealth habit and loose clothing, but I had to admit, it was beautiful. My dress was a deep amethyst lined with mink, with matching ruffles of silk and muslin. I had a matching fur stole and even some jeweled combs in my hair. I was tempted to wear the ones Ferdy had given me, but when Marguerite had shown up with silver combs, dazzling with tiny diamonds, I made no objection. Because I loved my outfit, the inconvenient frivolity of it was much more enjoyable. I was happy enough that I had an assignment that would allow me to sit down for several hours, even if I had to entertain Society and spend time with Karl.
Underneath my gown, I wore a new pair of kid boots. The soft covering of winter snow had slushed over near the theatre, and the boots protected me from the cold as much as the mixture of horse manure and other dirt from the streets.
Not that I was thinking about that when I arrived; I was ready to observe my environment, pick up on all the important details, and search for the information I needed. I was still here on a mission.
This thought marched through me, almost skipping to the sound of music as it poured out of the Stavovské divadlo, the Estates Theatre, as Lady Penelope and I walked inside.
Even Lady POW was in brighter spirits. I learned from Amir that Ben told her about Zipporah, and they were waiting for Clavan’s summons from the Cabal.
Any progress was progress, and after weeks of wintery solitude and monotonous training, we were both excited to be back, looking for clues while we dazzled the crowds.
“This is wonderful,” Lady Penelope murmured as we arrived. I could practically feel her enthusiasm beside me as we were escorted to a box at the side of the theatre. “I have missed the theatre quite a bit since we left England. I wish we were here to see a play, but this is lovely, too.”
“Aren’t you always a player on the stage, as a spy?” I asked. “Why would you miss something you have to live through every day?”
“Watching others perform is much more enjoyable.”
She is a complicated woman, I thought, but she is right.
I sat down in my seat with my own sense of wonder, mostly awed that I was able to be seen as much as I was able to see everyone else. There were several lords and ladies all around us, enjoying the concert—or pretending to enjoy the concert, while they indulged in gossip.
Even a month ago, such a sight would have been unimaginable to me. The golden gilt of the theatre shined, the warmth washing over the audience along with the sound of music. The silk-covered walls and the velvet stage curtains hinted at their highest glory, adding to the magic of the performance as I sat there.
The magic did not last long.
I glanced over to see Karl come into the box. He made his formal greetings, both to me and Lady POW, and then he took the seat beside me, a rare privilege allowed to a gentleman. Lady Penelope, resplendent in her own gown behind me, waved her fan of feathers, signaling to me to get to it.
I could almost hear her thoughts.
Get on with it, Eleanora! We need information.
We might be enjoying ourselves, I thought with a smile, but we were still working, too. “This is a wonderful performance. Don’t you think so, Karl?”
“I am eager for the finale,” he said, but I wondered if he was telling me the truth. Karl was dressed elegantly for the evening. He watched the crowds, as if waiting for his cues to wave or appear deeply invested in the music. I saw him nod gallantly to several others who were looking our way. He seemed to enjoy the attention he
was receiving, and he loved to have the chance to gain more later.
“Well, I am glad to see you are eager to leave me,” I teased, batting my eyelashes at him. My stomach twisted, and I decided I did not like flirting with Karl.
“It’s not that,” Karl quickly assured me. He reached for my hand, and I allowed him to take it. “I requested a special number in your honor.”
“My honor?”
“Of course. You have enchanted all of society, Ella.”
I did not know what it was, but suddenly hearing him call me “Ella,” Ferdy’s name for me, made me feel sick. Maybe it was because of Ben, fighting with Ferdy over a misunderstanding or maybe it was realizing I would likely never see him again. Ultimately, I did not want to be reminded of Ferdy anymore.
“Eleanora, if you please,” I murmured, pulling my hand out of his. I glanced back to see Lady POW frown at me and hurriedly set about adjusting a hairpin to cover for my quick movements.
I hoped she would not question it. I did not need her snooping into my personal life. I counted it as a blessing that I did not have to reveal anything to her at all about Ferdy, romantic or otherwise, and I was praying I never had to. I did not want to admit I had a broken heart, and I desperately missed someone I had no business loving in the first place.
“My apologies ... Eleanora.” Karl took my hand again, and I relented.
As the music continued, I looked down at the crowds where Karl was watching.
“Are you looking for Lady Teresa Marie?” I asked. “I don’t believe I see her here tonight.”
“She and her father have been busy of late, moving into their new townhouse,” Karl said. “My parents were able to help get them a residence in the city for the rest of the Season.”
“Oh?” I arched my brow. “Does this mean he is still interested in supporting your political ambitions?”
“Yes. Lord Maximillian and I have reached an understanding. He has been preoccupied these last few weeks, but in the meantime, I am free to attend to you.”
Prince of Secrets and Shadows Page 14
