Alexandria: A Novel

by Paul Kingsnorth

  Yes. Love is the law, it would appear. Between you and me, I think it’s rather a pity. I would have burned the lot of you off the Earth in five minutes flat. You were a pathogen, and you should have been eliminated. You should have seen what your ancestors were doing back then. I have seen it. I have heard the Earth scream. For a long time I wished I had had the power to destroy you myself. But I am small and petty, you see? This is what Wayland teaches. I am still human, at some level; still embodied, still capable of the irrational angers and hatreds that are seeded in flesh. In Alexandria, I will lose all of this. In Alexandria, smallness is replaced by a largeness of soul which those still down here can only imagine and long for. In Alexandria—

  Alexandria!

  The father has interrupted me. He picks up a stick now and swirls it in the ashes of the fire. He does not look at me now as he speaks.

  You have seen waters, he says. Rising. You see them still.

  I do.

  Do you know why they rise?

  I have asked Wayland. But communications— It is almost impossible, I find now, for me to speak of the breakdown. It is as if the words for it do not exist, or will not be spoken. Suddenly I am brought back to where I am: on this lonely hill with this old man, waiting. For what?

  Wayland does not speak to you, he says. No. You cannot hear or see. Your strange body does not work. Now you come to our place! Waters rising. Wayland silent. And your city, great city …

  I watch his stick pattern circles in the ash.

  What if you do not reach it, K? he says.

  There is no answer to be given.

  Are you afeared? he asks me quietly. I raise my eyes now. I look at him directly.

  Yes, I say. Yes I am, father.

  Now he stands, slowly. He throws the stick into the ash and picks up his staff. He turns to the north, where the sun reflects on the waters like snow. Then he looks down at me, and smiles.

  You should be, he says.

  / father

  when i was young man we were so afeart of them. red stalkers in holt, Waylands folk. when i was child stories of them keepin me awake all night in Long Hall. thinkin if i saw one i would die of fear. i would be eaten. even as father, their comin fillin me with dark fore bodin. terrors they were for our place, for our small folk. great Cloyster, Bird Poles, these did not keep them away. they walk through skin of world, it does not hold them.

  now i have seen what they are without Wayland. i see what they are when it all comes down, goin silent around them. this thing stands beside me, his red cloke frayin and soiled, in his eyes some new smallness, and he is like some stranger on this Erth. he can not hunt, can not travel well, can not eat, live, pray. he is some strange, thin body cut loose to flote.

  i stand to watch Waters for their comin. Sun at its height now, dancin silver on Water in great sheets. he comes to stand by me outside torr. Waters comin higher. i hear them now lappin.

  Wayland has done so much, he says. lookin out with his blak eyes over mere, to hills linin far horizon.

  so much, he says again. all of this, restored, livin again, enriched, saved. what he has given us all, given you. you will never understand. you have not seen what i have seen. Wayland has restored life.

  now life moves beyond him, i say. he turns to look at me, sharp, like he is in pain.

  Erth is big, i say. Lady is greater than Wayland. Way is greater than all things. nothin stays as it was. all things movin always, churnin, changin, takin new form. do you know why i came here?

  this is where you people come to be alone. to meditate, pray, escape, i dont know. you think you will find answers here. you always want answers, formulae, explanations.

  i have found them.

  what have you found?

  this place is old. old holy hart of this holy isle. many gods, goddesses, peoples passin through. some thing rises up through this hill. Land speaks here to those who listen. to those who know words.

  doubtless, he says.

  you know nothin. all you knew was given by Wayland, and now he does not speak you are empty. you are not even sure of your words now. you are not even sure of Wayland, and you never thought this would be true. do you know what i am sure of?

  what?

  Swans are comin.

  ah. Birds again.

  always Birds, me friend! You smile, but it could be Birds knowin more than you. could be listnin to Birds will teach more than listnin to Wayland. Swans comin, me strange friend. you know what Swans mean?

  im sure you are goin to tell me.

  ancestors told us. old stories tellin us. all Order has been waitin for Swans, waitin eons. yrvidian Dreamin them, saw them. yrvidian travelled to gates of your city. he saw it begin. you do not know what is comin.

  what on Erth are you talkin about?

  when Swans return, Alexandria will fall. this is what we say. it is our prophecy. city will die, crumble away.

  Alexandria can no more fall than the universe can.

  neither you nor i thought we would ever stand here together. what can be is not for us to speak.

  after all they have brought to us in me life and in so many lives before, after all they have taken from us. it is good to see him afeart.

  there will be more fear before end comes.

  / mother

  journey has been silent. hardly have we spoken. how will this wound ever heal?

  father will know. Birds will have told him. father, torr, Birds. it is all we have now. we must believe. Lady has pattern, She sews it in to us. sewin it in to weeds and Waters and Sky and Sea. Lady knows. we must have faith. things will come. they must.

  it is hard without our ground. all i have been is grown from it. now Hall, Chappel, Cloyster, all will be drowned. there is no returnin. and yet what do we go on to? what is this river, where does it lead?

  these Waters will take us to torr, i think. to holy hill. father has come this way. this is our hope. if hope is not met, well. well, then we are ended.

  father will be here. he will be here, with answer. Lady speaks to Her people. all is Her doin. this we must keep knowin. this is all that is still as Waters flow and Stars passin over like sparks from ever burnin fyr.

  how i have missed father. too much is broken. i will embrace him.

  we must have faith.

  / sfia

  mother is not in balance. since father left i think she has not been, since Waters risin, since all began endin. it is like some part of her is broke away. she is only some old woman lookin around and not knowin world at all.

  none of us knows world. since el went, since nzil went, i have not known any thing. it has been six days, seven, eight. i do not know. i will not count. all that was must go behind us like Waters. i can not feel them for it would eat me heart.

  before, before we lost her: then we were movin through this strange Land like family. now it is like i too am severed. like great darkness openin up under me, like i am fallin, fallin in to this. all i thought i knew was not true picture. could be no pictures are true. could be there is only this Water and these Winds, and Birds goin over do not speak to us, nothin speakin to us, only this great darkness and we hold on until we fall.

  nzil fell and always i will ask if i could have held him. i never held him like he should be held. me man, me girl, i have let them both fall.

  it was three days in bote on Afan Sea before we come in sight of hill, torr on summit callin up to Sky like great arm held high. i paddled and when we saw it risin through mere i felt mother rise some, felt some spirit in her come alive again. all we are now is in this place. there is no other.

  so we come to torr and beachin cnoo in among crowns of Trees, for this is all that remains of them. no strands now, no moorin places. we see below these Trees goin down in to Water, they are drownin, i want to pull them out, i want to call, enough! Water must go bak, old world must return. but Water is still risin. each day Water still risin.

  i land cnoo, helpin mother out, she steps slow with her staff
on to Land. we have not stepped on to Land since they took el. we have not dared. always we have moved, in fear of them, in some fury at our smallness. still i can not say what happened out there on spit.

  we step ashore now. Land seemin to move as Water does, bak and fore, bak and fore.

  we begin movin up hill. near summit, as we come through Tree line, we see two figures standin.

  as we come closer i see mother stand straighter. some thing comin bak in to her like it is workin it self up from Erth. like now she must be mother again, like her duty returnin. standin straighter as we come closer. we both are thinkin same thing: why two? it was father we come for. who is with him?

  soon we see. colour of his cloke, thin frame, we can see who is here before we reach him. K stands with father as if they were together. what is this?

  mother is stiff now, it is like she is younger, like she is bak at Edg, keepin her brood safe. stridin to him, her rage comes roarin out now, rage she has kept in all this time in cnoo, rage at spit, at hungry ghasts, at el and nzil and me and her and all she did not do.

  K steppin bak as she approaches, like he is scared, for she raises her staff. but father is ready and he takes it in his hand and lowrin her arms.

  mother, he says, mother. i am happy to see you.

  him! spits mother. this thing! he is with you. do you know what he has done? you should drown him like fuk-kin wyrm! wyrm he is, broken beast. you harbour him! father!

  father looks at me now, still holdin mothers staff.

  sfia, he says. i am happy to see you also. where is el? where is nzil?

  ask him! shouts mother now. where is nzil? where is he? you dare come and standin before me? K has stepped bak, he stands behind father like small afeart child. some thing is wrong with him. there is some smallness about him, some power drained. he does not speak, does not resist, does not conjur any world before us.

  drown him! shrieks mother. now i move to her and i take her other arm and father and i we guide her to sit down by ash of fyr outside torr.

  come, says father, come, mother. there is much to speak of. you do not know what has been here. i must know what has been with you. sit, we will speak. speak first, listen, then judge. mother, i have missed you. sit with me.

  K still standin now some distance bak from us all. father embraces mother, for some time. in his arms then it is like some thing drainin from her. then we sit, slow, with mother by fyr. she glares still at K, like her looks only would end him. father turns to K now, who still stands, like child who does not know of adult world.

  K, he says. come. sit with us now. you will be safe. there is much we all must speak of.

  / father

  for much time we talk. hearin of littel el i hang me head, and then of nzil – almost this is worse. for that girl he would die. only she kept him walkin this ground.

  then K speaks. mother never looks at him, always her eyes turned down, always lookin down. rage still bubblin under her when she hears his flat speakin. K speaks slow like he is not sure of his words, and all can see this is new to him, never has he been unsure, never has he spoken without all power of Wayland at his bak.

  he tells of how nzil came to him, of how he sent him to city, of how it was not right. hearin this then sfia begins sobbin. never have i seen her losin what she is, yet now she is shakin hard, and mother embracin her and from her comes long cry that has been buildin for so long now. she has lost lorenso, el, nzil. all she has made.

  i wait for sfia, waitin for her keenin now to calm. i stand then. i am still father. there is one last thing to speak of.

  we are fore, i say. it was not meant to be this way, and yet all is meant. there are reasons. Birds have spoken with me. ancestors have spoken with me. Waters risin, all is comin apart. but this is as was told at beginnin. this was seen in prophecy, in Dreamin. it is what yrvidian dyin for. i have been told.

  what? says mother. what are you told?

  yrvidian was right, i say. Dreamin was true. Alexandria is fallin. i have seen it.

  it is not true, says K, his blak eyes some empty pool.

  yes, i said, it is true. you know it already, K. it is why nzil could not ascend, and you knew that and could not speak it even to your self. it is why Wayland does not speak to you. his city is fallin, me friend. all these eons, his great plan, his great offrin, as you call it. it is failin. it did not work. could not work. our Order always knowin this. we were right.

  it can not fail, says K. he does not believe his words but must speak them.

  why? says sfia. why does it fall? what will happen?

  Swans will say, i tell them. when Swans come, you will see. tonight is Blak Moon. Sky will be dark, Stars full in their light. in torr, we will light fyr. in torr we will gather. they will come.

  how do you know this? said K. how can you possibly know any thing?

  some thing is comin, i say to him. faith.

  / k

  I am pleased to see Sfia again. Just now she spoke to me as if I were human. It was a kind thought, in a curious way. She forgave me for my failure with Nzil. She took my hand and squeezed it lightly. I was surprised at the warmth this engendered.

  I should not have come. I should have remained alone. I should have continued to attempt to contact Wayland, awaited His instructions.

  No. My work is over. What they say. It cannot be true.

  But where is Wayland?

  Perhaps He will come tonight.

  Nothing is as it should be.

  I am like a cup lying on its side. I am emptied of all I was made to be.

  / sfia

  it is strange to see him, but right. right that we should know about nzil. some how we are bound here.

  we ate together then. Roak and Yam, some Shrooms we had found where Trees remain. then father preparin fyr in torr. inside there is only dirt floor, and this great stone torr risin to Sky. roof is open.

  fyr is ready. father says we wait now. there are not words now, not really. there is only waitin. it is like all words are spent. is it true that Alexandria falls? are we those who will see that day long spoken of? then what? then what will come after?

  i am sittin by fyr inside torr. it is not yet lit. father is here, and K. K stands, father stands, leanin on staff. some calm is over him now. he waits. K paces around circle like he should not be here.

  then comes cry from out on hill. it is mothers cry, high and afeart. summonin. i stand, we all move out, runnin. mother standin outside torr lookin over mere. dusk is comin in from east, dark is creepin slow up on us. mother is shakin.

  look, she said.

  all round torr now, in Waters, movin on Waters, are lights. their lights. we turn round, we move to all parts of hill but they are all round us, circlin hill in ring. it is them. we see their rafts, seein small figures on them, see lights movin as Waters move. they are come. they do not move, do not come in to Land, do not go out to Sea. their rafts form great circle around torr, bobbin, lit, as if waitin.

  what are they doin? says mother. why are they come again? why?

  from south now, we hear sound. we turn, as one. some one is standin at edge of Trees.

  before i can think, i am runnin.

  / mother

  joy is greatest when hope is gone. in deeps of blak ditch, when light risin from depths of darkness, then light is brightest.

  we saw her standin at edge of woods. some thing was changed, but still her figure was clere. sfia runnin and takin her in her arms, sweepin her up, weepin then for joy, weepin again and holdin as if she would never let her be. i ran also, like i did not know i could run. since i left me ground i have not felt this flood of light.

  el! says sfia then, me girl, me dear girl! what did they do to you? ah, el, you live! this is greatest gift.

  el stands there and i neel and embrace her and sfia also. she stands like she is not sure what to do, what to say. she is changed, like she has grown years in this week she was gone. long braids gone, hair is cut short. on her shoulder now is ta
tu. spiral beast windin down her arm. her body is same but it is held in some new way. she is not small girl now, livin in her world. she has been to some place we have not gone.

  el, i say, me girl. such strange return, and beautiful. around hill now, ring of lights still bobbin. still they wait. dark comin in from east.

  what did they do to you? says sfia again. el, are you well? did they hurt you?

  el looks at me then and smilin.

  mother, she says. it is good that you are with father again. mother and father should be together. balance. this is what they have shown to me, mother. balance of world.

  what happened to you? said sfia again. did they hurt you?

  mam, says el, gentle now, as if talkin to child, they are not what you say. they are lonely. they have wandered Waters for so long. they wander Erth and they sing its song bak to it. they know Land is always hungry for song, and they know Land is source of all song. they sing Land its song, and Land dreams them in to bein. Erth sends its songs in to their wakin dreams. it is hard to speak of, mother. it can only be seen, felt. o, it is wonder.

  but they took you, says sfia. why did they take you?

  they did not take me, mam. i went. i heard song. i do not know how, but i heard song there, in that place, when they came. did you not hear it, mam? did you not hear song? it was their offrin to us. they held out their hand, and i could not stay, i had to follow song. they seek other humans, mam. they are lonely, always on their botes, goin round and round. they are oldest of old people. they find others and they sing us what songs they hear in their Dreamin. it is their way of givin us True Speech once again. Erth wants us to speak True Speech. old language, words long forgotten. and now it is time. see? it is time now. look! mam, look!

  then she is pointin up, she is jumpin now like child again and we all look to Sky, and as dark seepin down now movin in shape like arrer comes flight of Birds. eighteen Birds. long neks, blak against deep blu of Sky, great wings movin slow, passin over, passin over to west.