Kick-Ass Kinda Girl

by Kathi Koll

  After a lengthy courtship, my brother and Dolores chose a date for their wedding. Instead of an engagement ring, my brother gave Dolores a necklace with a heart of pearls signifying his love and her name. A few years later, that heart was given to me on my sixteenth birthday, and many years later, I gave it to my daughter, Brooke, on hers. There was a lot of excitement as the wedding neared. We all got together at actor Karl Malden’s home; his daughters were to be in the wedding with me, and it was an evening for all of us to meet. The other young girls were Colleen and Ellisa Lanza. Their father was the great tenor Mario Lanza, who was Dolores’ uncle on her mother’s side. The wedding dress was designed and being made by the famous Hollywood designer Edith Head from lace she had been saving for over twenty years for a special occasion. Imagine how many actresses must have envied Dolores when the news spread that she was the one Edith Head had chosen. The excitement was growing and parties were being thrown when all of a sudden something happened that changed the course of their lives.

  According to my brother, Dolores received a letter from the Reverend Mother of the Abbey of Regina Laudis located in Bethlehem, Connecticut, accepting her into their community. She told my brother she had no intention of joining the Abbey, and he was convinced she would never pick it over a life with him. He was confident in his belief but felt Dolores should go there for a couple weeks for a retreat and sort out any feelings of doubt she might have deep down inside. He didn’t want her walking down the aisle with any uncertainties and was confident their future life was just around the corner.

  “I was on Broadway in the production of The Pleasure of His Company with George Peppard the first time I went to the Abbey,” Dolores told me. “I had become extremely exhausted from the demands of performances day after day. A dear friend recommended I spend a weekend at the Abbey, but I didn’t want to go to a place with nuns. ‘It’s not like that,’ my friend insisted. ‘It’s a wonderful, peaceful place you can go to for a weekend and come back completely rested and ready for the lights of Broadway again.’ At that point, I was ready to try anything, so I spent the weekend. Towards the end of my stay, I felt something inside pulling at me that I really couldn’t put my finger on. It was like my inner self was telling me that this place was where I belonged. I felt a peacefulness I had never experienced. I wondered if it might be a calling from God. I shared my feelings with the Reverend Mother who quickly said, ‘No, no, Dolores. You’re a movie star. Go back to Broadway and be the actress you are.’ And it seemed at the time like that was where it would end.”

  Only a few family members knew Dolores was off to her pre-wedding retreat. Halfway through, she called my brother and said it just wasn’t for her, but she would stick out the rest of the time and would be home in a week. The day she arrived home, my brother was at the airport to greet her. The stairs to the plane were rolled up to the door, the door opened, and one by one the passengers descended. Dolores appeared, and when their eyes met he knew immediately things had changed.

  They went to dinner, and Dolores broke the news that she needed to call off their engagement. She indeed felt she had a calling from God and had decided to spend the rest of her life in prayer at the Abbey. Dolores told me she had never in her life seen anyone so upset, never seen a man so angry. Don was beside himself. Full of pain and anger and disbelief.

  “All of a sudden,” she told me, “he stood up. He became very quiet and contemplative. He looked away long enough to compose himself and then quietly took his place next to me. He said, ‘If it was another man, I would fight him, but I can’t fight God. I want you to know I will love you and support you for the rest of our lives.’ And that he did.”

  For forty-seven years, Don was in contact with Mother Dolores a couple times a week and visited her twice a year until the last visit when their story was filmed by HBO. He didn’t live to see their faces enlarged on the giant screen of the 84th Academy Awards, where God is the Bigger Elvis was nominated for Best Short Subject Documentary. He would have thought it was unbelievable, but secretly, he would have been so excited. My shy brother, who kept their celebrity magazines stored deep in the back of his storage unit. As I watched the award ceremony on TV, my eyes welled up with tears. He had only been gone a few months, and I missed him so much. I was so proud to see him and so wished he was sitting next to me watching. He probably would have been at the ceremony with Mother Dolores. What a photo that would have made. Two young lovers reunited after a life so close yet so far away, walking down the Red Carpet together.

  My brother visited the Abbey twice a year and told me that on one of his visits, the Reverend Mother shared with him that the Abbey had been waiting for a time to “test” the seriousness of Dolores’ earlier desire to join the Abbey. Mother Superior felt my brother would understand, and that is why they waited to contact her until right before her marriage. It may have been a “true test” for Dolores, but I feel it was a cold, selfish, and unforgivable thing to do to my brother.

  Mother Dolores came to Hollywood for the awards. It was only her second visit to Hollywood in the forty-seven years since calling off the wedding. I met her at the Four Seasons Hotel in Beverly Hills. It was the first time we had been together since my brother’s death, although we had spoken on the phone quite a few times. She hugged me and asked me to sit down. She wanted to know everything about what had happened to him. Even though we had talked on the phone, it was different being together. It was hard for me to get through the story without crying. She had tears in her eyes, too, but seemed to be able to compose herself better than I.

  “How do you do it, stay so calm?” I asked.

  “I simply close my eyes and pray to God,” she said with the same voice that calmed me in my mother’s car so many years ago. I realized it was the same thing she did the last time she was with him while watching him walk away in the tiny chapel of Regina Laudis.

  We walked arm in arm to the hotel restaurant where we were escorted to one of the “A” tables. It was strange to be with her dressed in her habit and stared at by so many guests in the lobby and restaurant. A number of people asked her for her autograph and congratulated her for her nomination. It was amazing to witness the number of people who remembered her and were excited to be in her presence. After we were seated, we both had two glasses of wine and giggled and shared stories both happy and sad.

  Thinking of that night in February 2012, a faint smile crossed my face as I serpentined through the hills. So many memories of so many people, and here I was, driving to the Abbey all alone. Nervousness chewed at the edges of my attention as I traveled through the winding, forested hills of Connecticut, and within each little clearing was a farmhouse straight out of a Norman Rockwell painting. The sign announcing The Abbey of Regina Laudis popped up as a surprise along the side of the road. It always seemed like such a secret place to me, so I was surprised to see those words displayed at the entrance for all to see. Before turning in, I looked to the left at the small farmhouse I stayed in as a child with the little pond next to it. As a fourth grader, I looked out the upstairs window at that pond, wondering if children ice-skated on it during the winter, because the yellow pollen floating on the top where the stillness of the water never seemed to go away. The pollen was still there. Nothing had changed.

  I turned into the driveway, and in front of me was the old red barn attached to the small stone house my brother had stayed in. I felt a tightening in my chest, a lump in my throat. “Please God, don’t let me cry,” I said aloud. The Abbey was on the right and looked exactly as it always had. There was a beautiful young girl, probably in her late twenties, working in the front garden, dressed in a blue denim habit. Dare I say, “How chic!”? It sounds silly, but I was halfway expecting Julie Andrews to burst open the door singing “The Hills Are Alive with the Sound Of Music.”

  “Good morning. Where should I go to meet with Mother Dolores?” I asked the young girl.

  “Mother Prioress,” she gently corrected with a circumspect look.
Apparently it wasn’t unusual for people to show up to the Abbey to try to meet Mother Dolores.

  “I’m Kathi—”

  “Oh, Kathi.” She eased as soon as she heard my name. “Mother Prioress is anxiously awaiting your visit.”

  I was led into a small room with a grille where the sisters normally met to visit with friends from the outside world. It was the same room where I had visited Mother Dolores years before. The grille had a little door in the center that Mother Dolores opened to squeeze my hand just as she did when I was a child. After a few minutes that seemed like hours, Mother Dolores appeared.

  “Let’s go for a walk,” Mother Dolores said, pointing toward a full-sized door. A moment later, she came through it, arms open wide, waiting to hug me. I felt so close to my brother at that embrace.

  She led me through the large wooden gates and into the garden behind the cloistered wall. My favorite book as a child was The Secret Garden, and here I was in the Abbey’s garden, which as a child, I thought was the Secret Garden I would never see. I had always wondered what it was like beyond the tall wall and old wooden gates. I knew my brother was allowed there, but I never dreamed I would be there one day, too. We walked arm in arm and gently started to explore the years we had missed being in contact. Mother Dolores pointed to the third floor of the Abbey and described what her room was like. She took me into her little office where I met her parrot.

  “I always loved birds when I was young,” she told me. “I told Don that I heard there was a special parrot in the local pet store, and I wished I could have it. He surprised me with it. His love was completely selfless.”

  No, his life wasn’t as he had dreamed it would be, but I was beginning to see how they had both learned how to keep their love alive in a most unique way. I was beginning to understand what she meant by “Love doesn’t always end at the altar.” Their love served as a beautiful example later in my life when I had to keep love alive in an unusual situation.

  Even after all those years of seeing their lives, it wasn’t until this visit to see Mother Dolores that I realized how creatively they stayed connected to one another, how close they were even when it seemed impossible. My brother must have seen that parallel long before I did; he was always so sympathetic towards my challenges and supportive of my dedication to my husband, even as those challenges tested my limits and made life and love difficult. He understood that the connection between my husband and me was deeper and stronger than what a conventional relationship could withstand.

  “Head up to the little white guesthouse to get settled. You can meet me in front of the Abbey in an hour for vespers,” Mother Dolores said, sending me on my way. I recognized that word through my brother, but really had no idea what it was. I showed up at the appointed time and she walked out with another Sister. Together we hopped into a little car and drove up a hill to the top of the property where the new chapel was standing. I had never seen it before, so Mother Dolores showed me where to go.

  “Your brother always chose to sit in that same spot,” one of the Sisters commented as I sat down. I could feel him looking over me as I eased in the chair and took in my surroundings. The sisters walked in single file behind the wrought iron grille that separated the altar from the congregation, singing the most glorious music one could possibly imagine. They prayed; they sang.

  As the sisters filed out, Mother Dolores fell behind and opened the center gate and waved for me to follow her. I felt the other Sisters were a little startled and wondered why I was behind the altar. When Mother Dolores introduced me, and they heard my name, they immediately chorused, “You’re Kathi. We have been praying for you. We all loved your brother so much.”

  I stayed a couple of days. Not all my questions were answered, but I left with the joy of witnessing a part of life my brother always wanted to share with me.

  “Your brother always said you would come,” Mother Dolores said into my ear as she hugged me goodbye, “and we would be close one day.” I drove away down the narrow driveway, once again glancing at the little red barn that housed my brother so many times throughout the years.

  I wasn’t gone ten minutes when I received an email from Mother Dolores saying, “I miss you already.”

  1

  THE VISUAL GIRL

  “She stood in the storm and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails.”

  —Elizabeth Edwards

  My parents were the very picture of 1920s young love. They married after a three-year courtship when my mom was seventeen and my dad twenty. Hard to believe, but in 1928, it wasn’t as shocking as it would be today. I never heard anyone speak of my father dating anyone before my mom, and I know for certain he was the only one for her. Their family expanded soon after they were married—with three boys, one after the other. Their firstborn lived only two hours, a terrible tragedy neither of my parents spoke of often. My two brothers that I did get the pleasure of knowing, Arthur—Art to outsiders, but Dink to family—and Don, were born within fourteen months of one another.

  They were as different as different could be, but still managed to be thick as thieves throughout their early years, and in some respects, their adult years, too. Brother Dink was the athlete of the family, and when I say athlete, I mean star in everything he did. He was Golden Glove Champ all four years of high school, speed skating champ of California, and a star football player throughout his four years at Loyola High School. A few years ago while visiting Loyola, I spotted a long row of yearbooks neatly categorized by year on a shelf. I pulled out what I thought were my brothers’ years and thumbed through them. There they were. My two stars. Brother Don looking like a movie star, and Brother Art “Dink” the star athlete. I was so proud. Dink was in bold print, full-page photos in every sport, clearly the star athlete of the school. I had heard the stories, but never really paid much attention until those photos jumped out at me. I hadn’t even been born yet, which gave me a distant feeling, but at the same time I had a sense of pride that he—Big Man On Campus—was my big brother.

  Mom, Kathi, and Dad

  I came along much later. My mom never called me a “mistake,” although I clearly was. She always said, “We prayed for years to have a little girl.” The fact that my brothers were nineteen and twenty years older than I often leads people to believe we weren’t very close, but we were. With Don, it came naturally; we were always like two peas in a pod. Dink was a different story. He was tough on me, and as a young girl I sometimes felt he just didn’t like me. If he were here today, he’d probably argue this point with me, but sometimes I really felt I just couldn’t do anything right for him. Our story was a difficult one of sibling rivalry, or maybe it was just a strain from our dramatic age difference. Looking back, it might have been unrecognized jealousy toward my relationship with Don, or jealousy of the advantages I received since my parents were older and more established by the time I came along. Maybe it was just the simple fact that I was a different generation, and he didn’t have time to deal with me. Whatever the case may be, it caused me great heartache, but the tough times in life are building blocks for our character, and he was tremendously influential in helping me become the woman I am today. I’ll never know his side of the story, though. He never had the opportunity to see me grow into a mature young woman or the adult who I hoped he would have embraced and been proud of.

  Dink married when I was still a toddler, so he was forging a new track beyond life with my parents and me. Soon after their wedding, Dink and Barbara—his high school sweetheart-turned-blushing bride—were on their way to basic training for the US Air Force. Since he was a member of ROTC in college, Dink started as a commissioned officer in a career he believed would be his lifelong profession.

  There’s just something special about an Air Force pilot. Not sure if my initial impression started because of the movie Top Gun, but all I know is whether a guy is a pilot in the Air Force or Navy, he’s something special. A breed unto itself. Tough, sexy, strong— real men, not
boys. Don, the man who later became my husband, was in the Air Force at the same time as Dink, and it was a time of growth, maturity, and difficulty. It’s a life that is hard to understand unless one has experienced it. I loved hearing my brother’s, and later my husband Don’s, stories, and I know those days were some of the happiest of both their lives.

  When I entered third grade, my parents decided to have me switch schools for reasons I will never fathom. I was happy at Notre Dame Academy, and it was close enough to my house that I could even walk. A journey that most young parents today would never allow their second graders to do in a large metropolitan city like Los Angeles.

  My walk wasn’t far, but there was a little grocery store and gas station on the way where I bought a few pieces of candy almost daily to make my walk a “treat.” I didn’t want to leave my best friend, my partner in crime, who I constantly got into trouble with for talking too much. As punishment, we had to write one hundred sentences every day during recess on the steps of the school, shortening our playtime considerably.

  Most likely, my brother Don persuaded my parents to switch schools since many of the girls he dated in high school were from Marymount, and my parents always thought were lovely young women with confidence and style. We were also about to move, and my new school was closer to my new house, although my solo walking days would be over.