Kick-Ass Kinda Girl

by Kathi Koll

  AFTERWORD

  “I am the master of my fate,

  I am the captain of my soul.”

  —William Ernest Henley

  One morning as I was sipping my coffee and breezing through my mail I spotted what looked to be something special from the Abbey of Regina Laudis. I quickly opened it to find a beautiful invitation to attend the 50th Year Jubilee Celebration for Mother Dolores, commemorating her five-decade role in the community of the Abbey of Regina Laudis. It cam as an utter surprise having not realized that so many years had passed. I wanted to go, but the effort felt daunting. My kids and their families were all busy making their own memories and traditions. I would be flying alone across the country, changing planes, renting a car, and driving through rural Connecticut. Of course I wanted to, but a part of me that couldn’t be ignored didn’t want to go. I kept wondering, Is this for me, Mother Dolores, or for my brother? So I had tucked the invitation away under a pile of to-do tasks on my desk.

  As the time approached, and I was assured of a solo weekend at home, I thought, What the heck—ya gotta be somewhere. I quickly emailed Mother Dolores that I was coming, and by her response I knew I was doing the right thing. She was genuinely excited; she even called numerous times after her email. This wasn’t a connection to my brother; it was our newfound personal friendship. After my Dons died, we became friends on our terms, and I was glad I wasn’t going for anyone else. This was for me. I was heading out with a new feeling of optimism. I felt a different emotional make up than I’d felt on the trip a few years earlier. How times had changed. I was now becoming my own person, freeing myself of the everyday grief that had haunted me for so long. Life was now on my terms.

  Once again, I found myself driving through the rolling hills of Connecticut. Each turn brought memories of my brother, which in turn engaged thoughts of my husband. This had been the journey I made a few years ago when I was looking for something I couldn’t quite grasp to help soothe my sorrow, help me resolve thoughts to unanswered questions, and help me understand why my life had taken so many cruel turns.

  Just as before, the little white-framed guesthouse was nestled along the side of the road, but this time the pond was dry. Had there been an unusually dry summer? The sign announcing the Abbey of Regina Laudis greeted me like a familiar friend. This time, though, I knew to take a different turn. Not towards the Abbey but up a narrow, tree-lined road toward the chapel where Mass would begin the weekend celebration promptly at 10:00 AM.

  * * *

  “Mother Dolores is so excited you’re here,” Mother Angele whispered enthusiastically in my ear as she hugged me. I liked her electric personality from the minute I met her years earlier when she accompanied Mother Dolores the day she visited my husband in Beverly Hills. I was always so intrigued by her life and the path that led her to the abbey. She had been an agent for opera singers for thirty years, converted to Catholicism from Judaism, and to put the cherry on top, she was my brother’s goddaughter.

  She escorted me to a reserved spot in the front row. My first thought was to sit in the seat my brother always chose, but I thought, I’m me. I’m making my own new memories, and I’m not here for anyone or any reason other than the fact I want to be. I had made the journey to help celebrate fifty years of devotion to God by a former actress, former fiancée, kinda sister-in-law, and former prioress—the celebration of the journey Mother Dolores Hart had chosen. Walking past a full congregation of three hundred friends and family made me feel pretty special to be a part of that journey.

  I sat quietly waiting for the ceremony to begin. The altar stretched out in front of me but stayed separated by the monastic iron grille. I felt an air of excitement filling the chapel as people chatted and discovered the ties that bound them to Mother Dolores. The lady next to me had been a friend of Mother Dolores since the seventh grade, and her family had made the trip from South Carolina. Maria Cooper Janus was checking out the microphone, which led me to believe she was going to share a few words. The gentleman behind me was fascinating. He shared his story of how Mother Dolores’ movie Lisa—about a woman who had survived the Holocaust—had made such an impact on him as a young man that he almost converted to Judaism. He had contacted Mother Dolores only in recent years through letters, but her counseling and friendship had helped him through some life-altering problems. He and his wife were now regulars at the Abbey and excited to cheer on Mother Dolores for her monumental day.

  The side door opened quietly, and one by one the community of nuns walked in, single file, hands clasped in prayer, voices clear and as beautiful as nightingales singing from the heavens above. I spotted Mother Dolores as she glanced my way and gave me a little smile radiating with the unspoken message, “I’m so happy you’re here.”

  That evening I sat down and wrote a letter to my family:

  Dear family,

  I’m so glad I came to Mother Dolores’ 50th Jubilee, and I think all of you would have found it meaningful too. It’s hard to put the experience into words, but what I do want to share is the love the community had for Uncle Don. Not just the sisters but so many people I met. There was a part of his life I never knew to such an extent. I know you all loved Uncle Don, but being here has shown me a far deeper and private side he didn’t share with us. He used to say he was shy, but now I am closer to understanding what he meant by that. It wasn’t so much shyness in the typical sense. No, it was shyness in not bragging about what he did for so many people and what he meant to them.

  Kathi’s Brother Don

  As mother Dolores said to Don my husband, “Love doesn’t always end at the altar.” It has been beautiful to feel and witness a different kind of love. Not just from Dolores but from this entire community of Regina Laudis. They cherished him, and he made a difference in their lives.

  For the first time, I learned how far his love and unselfishness went. Countless guests from all walks of life, from so many places, shared what Uncle Don meant to them. Apparently he spent time talking with many of them, whether on the phone or when visiting the Abbey. His wisdom had far-reaching tentacles. Story after story, “You’re Don’s sister? He was there for me when I needed help, when I needed advice, for when I was in despair.”

  Constantly learning is an adventure no matter what it is. Learning this other side, or at least a more detailed side, of the love Uncle Don gave to so many has been a gift. We were all truly blessed to have had him in our lives.

  Love,

  Mom

  Kathi and Mother Dolores

  It’s one of life’s “you had to be there” moments. I know only that it was right for me, and I’m so happy I made the “daunting” journey. Yes, I thought of my brother; I thought of my husband. I also thought of how the circle of life can be a beautiful thing along with all of its unbearable challenges. It’s getting through those challenges that has given me strength. Of course I didn’t like them at the time, but I do relish in the fact that through those times I have grown, learned, cried, laughed, loved, and above all else realized I can handle what life sends my way, and survive. There will be more, I’m sure. I’m bracing myself.

  “I am a Kick-Ass Kinda Girl.”☺

  ABOUT THE KATHI KOLL FOUNDATION

  I wrote Kick-Ass Kinda Girl as a way to share my story with others on this journey, and to remind them they’re not walking alone. No two experiences are the same, but the loss of love and self, and the fear and sadness, are shared by all of us. It’s my prayerful hope that fellow caregivers who read this book will know they are not alone.

  The Kathi Koll Foundation was created in 2014 to provide meaningful support to caregivers in need. The foundation offers short-term financial subsidies for struggling caregivers and a community education program geared toward helping people navigate the various challenges that can arise. Kathi’s Caregivers, a branch of the foundation, helps caregivers whose lives are dedicated to their loved ones to know they aren’t alone while juggling their caregiving and personal responsibilities. The
foundation’s goal is to help improve the lives of caregivers and their families. More information can be found at www.KathiKollFoundation.org.

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Kathi and her family reside in Southern California. She is the mother of three children and the extremely proud grandmother of nine grandchildren, who lovingly call her KK. When she isn’t helping and educating caregivers, she is traveling all over the world, looking for new adventures.

  To view more pictures from Kathi Koll’s album please visit KathiKoll.com

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  I can’t begin to thank or remember all the people who have helped me on this journey. I raise my glass and thank you all for your friendship and encouragement through all my adventures.

  This book captures the spirit of my experience to the best of my recollection. Others may remember or interpret certain events and conversations differently. I don’t pretend to remember every exchange verbatim, but I’ve done my best to remain true to the spirit of conversations and events. I do not consider myself a medical or legal expert, and no part of this manuscript should be construed or misconstrued as medical or legal information or advice.

  My brother Don, who took my hand as a little girl and guided me till the day I lost him, you were one in a million, never to be replaced.

  My husband, Don, you took me on a journey that taught me so much about love, tenacity, and life. You opened my cage and encouraged me to fly. Because of our life together, I have no regrets. There will forever be a corner of my heart full of our memories.

  To my children, Jennifer, Kevin, and Brooke, without whom life would have little meaning. No matter the time of day, you’ve been there to wipe away my tears and help me smile. What a role reversal!

  To the “Outlaws” Rick, Melissa, and Chris, you’re not outlaws or in-laws. You’re my family, and I’m so lucky each of my children found you. Together the seven of us are a force to be reckoned with.

  To my nine grandchildren, Ryder, Flynn, Kathi, Donovan, Braden, Hill, Liam, Lily, and Tommy, who give me a reason to kick up my heels! Your KK loves you.

  Jack, you are not just my stepson, but you and Carter are among my closest friends. Thank you for the love your dad felt from you. Especially when the going got tough.

  Abby, you’re with your buddy now. You never left his side, or mine after Don was gone.

  To Nancy Brinker, who came up with this idea to begin with. You said I could do it. I didn’t believe you.

  To Joni and Jerusha Rodgers. I could never have done this without you. Thank you for your encouragement, lessons, edits, and helping me write my story, which also helped me move through rough waters and come out whole again. I love the fact I have only known you through words until recently, and how wonderfully our words represented us.

  To Bonnie for always having an ear to listen with and wise advice for me to ponder.

  Watty, I’m going to let you fill in the blanks. You always make me smile, and when the good times were long past, you and Kimmy—and Donna and Greg—were there with unwavering loyalty, helping DK smile again.

  Mac, I will never forget the “new room, food in the fridge, and your friendship.” You always make me laugh.

  Nettie and Chery, my rocks. Thank you for holding me up so many times. Words can’t come close to expressing my love for the two of you. I only wish every caregiver who reads this book will have two angels like you, with Ken as their leader.

  Jenny, you are the perfect National Enquirer reader.

  Phil. “Mr. Koll, if I could drive your car, carry your briefcase, anything.” Don was always so proud to be your mentor.

  Byron, Ron, Paul, Don had so many friends that they could fill up a book of their own, but you three shine like the North Star. Thank you for never leaving his side.

  Ray, I so appreciate your friendship and loyalty then and now. You are the guardian angel DK sent to me.

  To Dr. John Storch. Thank you for the many long hours and support you gave Don—especially in those first harrowing weeks.

  Dr. BZ, thank you for your unabated willingness to help, and for your drive to build the Hoag Stroke Center to the impressive facility it is today.

  Senator Frist, thank you for encouraging me to open up my life. Hopefully my journey will help others in times of despair to see that life can have many rainbows.

  Shannon, Susie, Nancy, and Sheila, I’ve smiled many smiles on account of your friendship—especially your colorful performance one Cabo afternoon. DK’s eyes are still…well, you know.

  Team DK led by Dr. Shpiner: Thank you for helping Don have a life impossible for most. Your devotion and love for my husband was obvious. As difficult as my loss of privacy was, the DK Team was my lifeline, and I miss all of you to this day.

  TQ, thank you for your continued friendship and for being one of the first people at Don’s side. To think it all started with kilts.

  Deborah, thanks for your idea, “Kathi, when you’re sad and can’t decide who to call for help, just put twenty names in a bowl, close your eyes, and pick one.” It was a brilliant idea!

  Bob and O’Malley, thank you for sticking with me.

  Robin and Dottie, Gail, Susy, Audrey, and Libby, you were and are my cheer and support.

  John and Sharon, your shoulders are huge. Thank you for giving me every inch.

  GH, thank you for forty years of friendship and encouraging me to share my story. Lucky me. We now get to share another forty years.

  QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION

  1. What do you think motivated Kathi to tell her life story?

  2. Chapter 1, titled “The Visual Girl,” references a television show that Kathi was in as a young girl and details Kathi’s life before her marriage to Don Koll. How does “The Visual Girl” describe this stage of her life?

  3. How do you think the death of Kathi’s mother when she was such a young woman and the illnesses that plagued her father and brothers have framed Kathi’s character and caregiving nature?

  4. The relationship between Mother Dolores and Kathi’s brother Don reveals a devotion that surpasses the traditional view of a love affair. In fact, Mother Dolores says, “Love does not end at the altar.” What does she mean by this?

  5. Kathi describes the day that her husband suffered his catastrophic stroke as the dividing line between the two lives she had with him— going from the peak of the mountain to the bottom of the sea. How did Kathi’s outlook on life change, or did it?

  6. One of Don’s doctors counseled Kathi: “Make sure Don doesn’t just live to exist. Make sure he exists to live.” What does this advice mean to you?

  7. Don had told Kathi, “There are only three things in life that really matter: food, water, and love. Food and water enable one to exist. Love enables one to live.” Did Kathi and Don’s love and devotion to each other help Don live longer despite the medical realities of his condition? How has your love enabled someone to live more fully?

  8. Kathi realized that the best way to give Don strength, happiness, and a will to live would be to allow him to think that, despite the stroke, he was still in charge. She says, “I would be in charge but never let him know that he wasn’t.” How did this approach affect Don’s attitude?

  9. Despite Kathi’s outward appearance of strength, inside she was suffering from an emotional roller coaster. If you have ever cared for someone who was sick, did you find yourself holding back true emotions while putting on a brave face? Through therapy Kathi discovered that in her efforts to make life as normal as possible for Don, she had ignored her own needs. Are there situations in your own life when this has happened to you?

  10. Kathi describes the “anticipated grief” she experienced not knowing if Don would still be alive when she woke up the next day, or whether he would still be with her at the end of that day. This can be harder to endure than caring for someone with a terminal illness, because the end is unknown. How can one cope with this uncertainty?

  11. What role does Mother Dolores play in Kathi’s
life? Does she provide more than spiritual solace and companionship?

  12. The book begins and ends with Kathi visiting Mother Dolores at the Abbey. How do these visits serve to bookend Kathi’s story and the lives of her two Dons?

  13. Were there experiences—either positive or negative—that Kathi had or things that she did for Don or for herself that can help you or someone you know who’s in a caregiving role? What were they?

  14. The jacket art features a cactus and popped and floating balloons. What do you think the balloons represent? The cactus? Could they be symbolic of one’s resilient nature and strength despite life’s adversity or fragility? What other thoughts do you have about the jacket art?

  15. How did you react to the title of Kathi’s memoir? Does it reflect her gutsy nature?

  16. Was there anything about Kathi’s life that you wished she had written about in more detail?

  17. Do you need to have been or to be a caregiver in order to appreciate Kathi’s story? Or is there inspiration to be found for any reader? Would you recommend this book to a friend?