Passport to Happiness

by Carrie Stone

  ‘For my own sake, I’d much rather you be telling me that you’re contemplating getting back with Spencer and going to Bermuda. For a start, it’s closer to home. But if you don’t love Spencer, then you won’t be happy trapped in a loveless relationship. Sure, it’d be fine at first but once the novelty of Bermuda wore off, or your job changed or you had a child together –which puts a strain on any relationship – you’d be so miserable. So you need to stay there and if Luuk is your future then at least you’re in the right country to make it work.’

  I smile at her honesty and, for once, her selflessness when it comes to dishing out advice. Yet I can’t help the niggling doubt I have about opening up to Luuk about my feelings.

  ‘The only thing is, is it really enough to just be in love? I mean, look at you and Jack, I thought you two were the perfect match, so much in love and look how that’s gone…’ I say quietly, not wishing to upset her with my honesty but wondering if at the end of the day, a good relationship is based on more than just the love aspect.

  ‘Me and Jack are the perfect example. Do you really think we would have made it this far – two kids and eleven years later, still working on trying to save our marriage – if we weren’t a good match?’ She waits for me to consider this.

  ‘When Jonathon showed me that bit of attention, sure it was nice and flattering and yes, I did get carried away thinking that I’d missed out on so much by being trapped for so long with Jack. And maybe I thought I could have a better life with someone else…’ She sighs, her tone softening. ‘But Jack is my best friend and of course I love him, but I also respect and care for him. A long lasting, committed relationship isn’t just about that heady, passionate love and your life circumstances being perfect. It’s about the hard, boring, shitty times – of which there will be plenty – and having the person beside you that you can trust to stick there; to smile, cry and laugh with along the way. You want to be with the one who has got your back no matter what.’ She stops for a moment as I digest what she’s said, suddenly adding an afterthought. ‘And of course, being on the same wavelength helps. Opposites might attract, but they don’t usually last the distance – if you want different things from life, eventually that’s going to drive you apart.’

  I take a deep breath, hearing the sense in her logic and relating it to myself. If I think about Luuk, then yes, we are on the same page when it comes to almost everything, especially the travel aspect and the volunteering. But with Spencer, we wanted, and still want, different things. His visit has proved we aren’t on the same wavelength. Although perhaps we never even were to begin with. Maybe that’s why my feelings didn’t ever develop properly.

  ‘You’ve gone quiet on me,’ Amy says, disturbing my moment of contemplation.

  ‘Sorry I was weighing up what you said.’ I bite my lip, mulling over my decision. ‘And I think you’re right. So I’m going to stay in Bali and take this chance with telling Luuk how I feel. Whatever the outcome, at least I’m in a place that I’m happy.’

  ‘Good, that’s a wise decision. And I do have to say, even though I’d much prefer a seven-hour flight visiting you in Bermuda, you have made me so proud with everything you’ve achieved in Bali. From picking yourself up over the Tilly- Spencer thing, to becoming a surf girl and climbing a flipping mountain. I hope you realise how incredible all of this stuff is. Seriously Everly, it’s an insane turnaround in such a short space of time. And anyway you sound a lot happier and more yourself where you are now. So yes, I’m glad that you’re staying. Even if it means you’re a twenty-hour flight away.’

  At a loss for words for a second, I’m staggered.

  ‘Wow. That’s the last thing I expected you to say. What do you mean I’m more myself here though?’ I stare at my mobile in confusion.

  ‘Well firstly, you’re not a materialistic bitch anymore.’ Amy laughs and perhaps sensing she’s being too harsh, becomes more serious. ‘I just think you sound more carefree and relaxed since you’ve been in Bali and you’ve blossomed so much there. Plus when you talk about Luuk your voice lights up. So on that basis, I feel it’s a good place for you. And he’s a good influence.’

  ‘Aww thanks sis, you’re right – I’m really happy here and I guess it must show.’ Unable to help the grin spreading across my face I notice how much lighter I’m feeling for our chat. ‘Anyway, thanks for helping me see things so much more clearly. I do love you, you know. Especially when you’re not being a judgemental cow.’

  ‘Love you too, you crazy bat. Even if you are a pain in the ass sometimes,’ she jokes. I hear Jack shout something in the background and Amy reply. ‘Listen, I’m going to have to go – we’re off out to take the kids to the cinema in a bit.’

  ‘Ohh, sounds like things are going well there too…’ I say, alluding to her and Jack’s relationship.

  ‘They are,’ she replies in a hushed tone. ‘We’re almost back on track. It’s like being eighteen-year-old lovebirds again. It’s brilliant. I might have to suggest a break more often.’ She sounds exuberant and I can almost picture her glowing with pride.

  Giggling at her enthusiasm, I smile to myself as this time Lily calls out again in the background.

  ‘Go on, you’d better go. I can hear they’re ready to get a move on.’

  ‘Story of my life!’ Amy laughs.

  We say our goodbyes and I hang up and glance at the clock, knowing there’s no time to waste. With everything so clear-cut in my mind, I pick up my belongings and head for the door.

  Firstly, it’s time to deal with Spencer once and for all.

  Chapter 22

  ‘Spence?’ I stare at the piles of clothes littered around his suite, closing the front door behind me and lose all train of thought. ‘What’s going on? I thought we were meeting at reception and going for dinner?’

  He appears in front of me clutching a holdall, his face ashen. ‘Sorry, I forgot to message.’ His rubs his face, awkwardly taking a deep breath. ‘I have to fly back to Bermuda.’

  ‘What?’ I eye him in surprise, watching as he walks across to the bed, picking up things to pack as he passes.

  ‘It’s my Bermudian visa renewal. It’s been rejected.’ The anger is evident in his tone and the way he’s throwing everything into bags.

  Wracking my brains, I have a vague recollection of him mentioning he’d applied for a visa renewal when we were together, but I presumed it’d already been granted by now. I had absolutely no idea he was still awaiting the answer.

  He stops rushing around for a moment and I watch as he punches his fist into a cushion, making me flinch in surprise.

  ‘Fuck, what an absolute mess.’ He sits on the bed clenching and unclenching his fists like a madman, as I look on, totally flummoxed. This is not a side of Spencer I’ve seen before, and I can’t say I’m impressed. Sure, it’s devastating for him to have his visa rejected, but it’s not the end of the world and it’s most likely easily solved. Worst-case scenario, his work will undoubtedly arrange something for him. It’s not like he will be without a job working for a huge multi-national corporate, with offices worldwide.

  Realising I’m staring at him in bewilderment, he looks up at me apologetically.

  ‘Sorry, I don’t mean to startle you, I just assumed it would all be fine – I mean, I’ve been living there for nearly ten years. I never even considered the possibility of a rejection. There’s clearly some mistake but I need to be back there ASAP to sort it. Can you believe it? I’m so annoyed. So annoyed.’

  Stumped, I take a moment to consider this surprising turn of events and observing the irrational way he’s behaving and throwing everything into bags, I can’t help but feel relieved that my feelings for him are as dead as his Bermuda visa. It’s clear in this moment that without the notion of a life and job in Bermuda, Spencer is a lost soul and where would that have left me if we were still together?

  Besides, for all of his supposed wanting to win me back, this is a clear indication of what is more important to him, and
that’s his work.

  ‘I’m sure it’ll all be fine,’ I reply, trying to sound reassuring even though I can’t help but judge him for his reaction. ‘I bet it’s just a silly mistake in the visa office. You’ll probably fly home and it’ll be resolved by the time you arrive.’ I have no clue if it that will be the case, but seeing that he’s taking this really badly, I decide that being positive is the only way to help alleviate the tension in the room.

  ‘Don’t be stupid,’ he snaps, zipping up his bag and stomping across to the door. ‘This is more than a mistake Everly. And my entire life is at stake here.’ He looks at me pointedly. ‘Not to mention yours if there’s any chance of us giving things another try.’ He walks across to retrieve his suitcase.

  I feel myself riling up at his sharp response but most especially his assumption that there’s even a possibility at us trying again. How many times do I have to make it clear?

  ‘Spencer, you need to listen to me – I’ve moved on. I’m different these days. I’ve changed. Life feels right here for me, in a way that Bermuda and what we had no longer are … and so, no, I don’t ever want to give things another try because I’m happy being here and single.’ I say it gently, hoping that he understands the significance of the words. ‘And as for the issues with your visa. I’m sure it’s no big deal.’

  He takes a step back from the bag he is packing up, his expression one of disbelief and I see the fury behind his accusing glare.

  ‘Charming. You keep saying it’s no big deal. It is a big deal, Everly. How is it not getting through to you how important this is? I won’t have a home, finances or any of it, if I don’t get this visa renewed.’

  I close my eyes, trying to will myself to be patient with him and not explode at his narrow-minded focus on the visa issue. I may as well be talking to myself.

  ‘So, of everything I just said, you’re still concentrating on the visa thing.’ I stare at him, incredulous. ‘Has it not occurred to you that if you were that bothered about truly winning me back, then the visa thing wouldn’t be a priority and neither would flying home immediately. Stop lying that you want me in your life, Spence. You clearly don’t. But then we both already know that, given what led us to be apart in the first place.’ Exasperated, I stress the last part, letting the words hang between us.

  ‘Really?’ He shakes his head at me slowly, looking offended. ‘You’re going to throw that at me, now. You really think this is the moment to stoop so low and hit me with that too?’ Letting out an incredulous huff, he turns his back to me and he walks over to retrieve his passport and wallet from the desk.

  Incensed, I follow his footsteps and pull him around to face me.

  ‘How dare you?’ The fury flows through me like uncontrollable river. ‘You arrive here trying to get me to chat with you, to give you a chance. To be friends, to hang out, to, to…’ I take a breath, trying to articulate all of the things I want to say. ‘You’re lucky I’ve even given you the time of day, after everything that happened.’

  ‘I’m sorry, you’re right. I shouldn’t have said that.’ He interrupts me as he closes his eyes for a moment and squeezes the bridge of his nose, having the good grace to appear ashamed at himself and his choice of words.

  ‘I’m just stressed right now and under a lot of pressure.’ He reaches out and tenderly touches my face, catching me off-guard.

  ‘I understand you don’t want to give things another try but I promise you that night was a mistake, nothing happened – it was just one stupid kiss. Nothing more.’

  The words hit me like a sickening blow to the stomach. A kiss? But had he not reassured me time over that nothing happened? That they were both off their heads, blind drunk and passed out. And now suddenly there’s a kiss mentioned?

  I feel the blood drain from my face as I stare at him in disbelief, tears springing up behind my eyes.

  ‘You kissed?’ My voice is barely a whisper and it takes a moment before the nauseous feeling turns into a hot rage. ‘You liar. You absolute disgusting, deceitful, cheating bastard.’

  I’m practically spitting the words at him and his expression tells me everything I need to know. He looks defeated as he stands before me, eyes wide at the realisation he has let slip his misdemeanour.

  ‘Everly, wait. I shouldn’t have said it like that. It came out all wrong.’ He stands before me like the pathetic excuse of the man he obviously is and all I can see is a weak man with bad morals.

  ‘Tilly and I, we didn’t ever set out to hurt you. It really was a mistake and we were both so drunk, we barely…’

  I zone out from his pitiful speech and picture Tilly, my heart dropping into my shoes. I’d been prepared to accept it was all water under the bridge. Yet now, all I feel is bitterness and hostility as I envision her. What kind of a friend betrays another like that?

  Feeling foolish, I reach out and grab my bag from the side, trying to fight off a wave of anguish.

  ‘Say something?’ Spencer pleads, reaching out to touch my shoulder, his expression harrowed.

  I draw back, wincing at his touch, like searing pokers to my skin and instead stare him directly in the eyes, speaking slowly and clearly through a watery wave of humiliated tears.

  ‘There’s nothing more to be said, Spencer. You can save your excuses and second chances as there isn’t an us to fight for anyway. Going back to Bermuda is the best thing you can do, and I never want to see, speak to or hear from you again. Understand?’

  I don’t wait for an answer as I spin on my heel and head for the door and as it bangs closed behind me, I’m left with a lasting image of him standing forlorn and speechless.

  In that moment, I know unequivocally that there is absolutely no way Spencer will ever feature in my life again.

  *

  A beam of sunlight dances through the gap in my bedroom curtains, bouncing off the mirror, directly into my eyes. I reluctantly open them, leaning across to my bedside cabinet and glance at my mobile to check the time.

  ‘Ten-thirty.’ I gasp, quickly pushing back the thin cover as I stretch my weary body and tiredly yawn. A wave of glumness hits me but mentally chastising myself, I head into the shower, welcoming the cool water as it rains down upon me.

  It’s fair to say that a fitful sleep hasn’t helped much with my mood. I’m still unsettled by the turn of events, even though the outcome is the same as that which I was going to instigate anyway.

  Stupidly, I realise that on my way to tell Spencer last night, I’d thought about how the scenario might play out and never once did it feature us ending on such bitter words and revelations. In hindsight it’s laughable that I even thought things might have concluded differently.

  He’s surely already left Bali by now – at least I hope he has. The unmistakeable absence of any type of reaching out from him leaves no doubt that he hasn’t any intention of contacting me again, which is a great relief.

  There’s a part of me that feels betrayed all over again though. I guess I just never expected Spencer to have it in him to blatantly lie to my face and be so unscrupulous. Sure, he already cheated in the sense of even getting into that cabin bed with Tilly. Nevertheless, to be so underhand in his recollection of events and promise me that they didn’t do anything untoward together, when clearly he knew that they did? Well, that is not the Spencer I thought I knew.

  ‘At least I had a lucky escape,’ I mutter aloud as I wash, grateful and relieved that it didn’t take me going back to Bermuda and planning a future with him to have it all come tumbling down around me.

  I strain my ears as I suddenly hear my mobile ringing in the other room. Turning off the shower, I grab a towel and wrapping it around me, make a beeline for the bedroom.

  Luuk’s name flashes across the screen and I feel my heart jump into my throat at the sight of it. For a split second I hesitate. It doesn’t take long for my instinct to outweigh my indecision and I catch him just before he’s about to ring off.

  ‘Hey.’

  The sigh of h
is relief is audible. ‘Oh, you’re there. Sorry I didn’t want to disturb you guys.’ His words are rushed and apologetic.

  ‘It’s OK. I’m alone,’ I begin carefully, wondering how or even when I’ll have the courage to tell him my true feelings. But I don’t have a chance to say more because he immediately jumps in, interrupting me, his voice trembling.

  ‘It’s Panda, Everly – he’s been run over by a car. I’m just ringing to let you know that I’m at Sunset Vets. They’re treating him now but it’s touch and go.’ His voice cracks and distress is obvious in his tone.

  ‘Oh no, not Panda,’ I whine. ‘Poor baby.’ My heart bangs against my chest in panic as I send up a silent prayer that he’ll be OK. ‘I’ll be there in twenty minutes.’ My voice is hurried, my alarm going into overdrive.

  ‘No, you don’t have to come here. I just thought you’d want to know…’ he replies, clearly upset. ‘I don’t expect you to hang out here. It could take a while.’

  Ignoring his protests, I cut him off.

  ‘I want to be there, Luuk. See you soon.’

  It takes me minutes to throw on an outfit and grab my belongings, my earlier thoughts of Spencer and everything that happened last night thrown into perspective as I hurry outside to hail a taxi.

  I barely have to wait moments when a Blue Bird Taxi appears beside my outstretched hand and I jump in, hoping that no matter what injury Panda may have sustained, he’ll be strong enough to fight it. The journey is fraught as my nerves get the better of me, the anticipation of seeing Luuk again mixing with the foreboding of what will happen if Panda loses his fight.

  I’m thankful when we finally pull up outside the veterinary clinic and I pay the driver before making my way inside, not caring that I probably look a fright in my haste to get here.

  Luuk is sitting alone in the deserted waiting room, his back to me as I walk across, my heart fluttering at the sight of him.