Holy Sheoly

by Hunter Blain

  I felt myself about to rip through my skin, and I vaguely doubted I had ever been that engorged before. Then again, I was about to make passionate love to the woman who I’d thought I would never see again...the woman I loved more than anything.

  I stood, feeling it was time, and grabbed her ankles, bringing them to rest on my shoulders. Without the help of guiding hands, I maneuvered my hips and then thrust forward, making the connection on instinct alone.

  We both became electrified with pleasure and screamed our delight for all to hear. I couldn’t be sure, but there may have been some odd animal noises, like a pterodactyl cry or the yak impression that only Jim Carrey could deliver. Someone might have even said, “Oh boy!” at one point. I’ll give you three guesses as to which of the two of us that was.

  I took full control, throwing her little frame around with ease, my muscles rippling with each movement.

  Hair was pulled. A throat was choked. Flesh was spanked. And cheeks were clapped.

  With me behind her, I reached my arm around to her chest and pulled her body against me, trying to kiss her as I neared the end.

  She sensed my change in rhythm and breathing, and let loose with her own desire to finish again. As she neared, her moans continued to grow higher in pitch with each exhale, driving me over the edge.

  We came together, breathing deeply and intermittently kissing before we fell onto the bed on our sides, me still inside of her.

  We panted almost in sync with one another as I kissed her neck and she reached over her shoulder to stroke my hair.

  “I love you,” I whispered into her ear, not realizing my mouth had said the words until it was done. Both our breaths stopped, and she pivoted at her waist to better see my face.

  “I love you,” she returned, gently grabbing my hair and pulling me in for a deep kiss that seemed to last forever.

  The single, lengthy kiss slowly began to separate into smaller segments of kissing, with tongue being introduced again. Then we were breathing heavily once more and passionately making out.

  My mini-me reacted accordingly, eager for round two and mentioning it was still in place to perform.

  I began slowly rocking my hips, tasting the lips of the woman of my dreams as I did. A moment later, Lily was countering my movements, and we proceeded to make love. But where the first time had been all carnal hunger and urgency brought on by the joy of seeing one another, this time was smooth and rhythmic, like ocean waves gently crashing on the beach, gliding up the shore before reluctantly pulling out again. I could sympathize, as I never wanted to break contact. I could lay in this bed for the rest of time, just being with the only woman I had ever loved.

  “I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you!” I exhaled again and again, feeling as if I had a lot of making up to do.

  A pained expression crossed Lily’s features for a moment before I could tell she forced her mind to focus on the now. I wanted to do the same thing, but it was near impossible now that I had seen something was dreadfully wrong in her eyes.

  Instead of speaking up, I focused all my energy on giving her one last earth-shattering orgasm. All I wanted to do was please her from now until the end of time.

  Five years, echoed through my mind in my own voice, betraying my desire to please Lily. I began grunting with each thrust, growing more forceful the more I tried to focus on not focusing on all of creation ending in a few years.

  Lily took note and opened concerned eyes to stare at me.

  “Wha-what’s wrong?” she asked between gasps, trying to run a hand down my face but having trouble catching up with my increasingly erratic movements.

  My grunts became barks between gritted teeth as my thoughts began to fill with all the problems I had tried to avoid. My heart had basked in the glory of making love, and now my brain was taking revenge and wedging reality back into my fucking thoughts, my heart no longer in the fight after having been satisfied.

  My grunts mutated into a long, vein-bulging scream, and I became paralyzed as the dam broke and all my problems surged like a tsunami, destroying the peaceful shore that the gentle waves had kissed just moments before.

  I pulled myself free, and was vaguely aware that I had been pushing rope for the last several moments. It was like my Lil’ John was willing, but something was siphoning the energy elsewhere as overwhelming anxiety swallowed my diminishing desire.

  I sat on the edge of the bed, trembling, as I rested my elbows on my knees and stuck my hands hard enough through my hair to pull at my forehead. My palms pushed into my eyes, and I took in deep breaths to regain control.

  A warm, gentle hand glided over my back, letting fingernails kiss my skin as she moved. It sent tingles up my spine, and the tsunami in my mind began to recede back into the ocean, content with the damage it had caused.

  “I...I-I’m sorry, Lily,” I squeezed out in barely a whisper as I let my hands drop.

  “Shh, shh, shh,” Lily said, moving over the bed on her knees to place her hands on either side of my face. She gently pulled me in her direction and rested my head between her breasts and neck. I was aware of her nipple tickling my neck through my beard, but it wasn’t sexual at that moment. Instead, it was cathartic, being naked with her while she held my head close to her heart.

  I pivoted my body toward her, wrapped my thick arms around the small of her back, and pulled her to sit on my lap, her legs on either side of my hips. As with her breasts, I was acutely aware of her velvety lips brushing against my member, but once again, it wasn’t sexual. It was simply nice having her so close.

  With my arms still wrapped around her, I pulled her in close and rested my chin on her shoulder. She did the same, and I could feel her tilting her head to rest her cheek on my rounded muscles, a loving moan barely audible in her chest. The flowery scent that I longed for wafted up my nose to give me goose bumps.

  I could feel her breath leaving her nostrils and grazing down my shoulder blade before dissipating, and such an action made me love her even more for a reason I couldn’t put into words.

  Lifting my hands from where I held her tight, I glided my fingertips up and down her spine, feeling her flesh prickle with her own goose bumps before a shudder starting at her waist went up her body.

  As her hips moved with the uncontrollable twitches of the shiver I had given her, I became more than acutely aware that her soft lips were still grazing me down under.

  “Mmm,” she purred as she raised her face to mine. “Feeling better, I see?”

  I nodded my head with a weak smile before she began kissing me again, rocking up and down and giving my heart a renewed strength.

  I don’t know how long we made love, but it wasn’t near long enough. Being in her arms helped dull the pain of reality. It was at that moment that I began to understand why the mortals fought so hard for love, even to the detriment of their own common sense.

  My brain knew coming here had been a mistake, but my heart didn’t give a shit. It was swollen to the point of bursting, like a mosquito left to its own devices.

  “I love you,” I said again as I planted a kiss in between her loving eyes.

  “I love you too,” she said, running a hand down my face.

  Then her smile faded and eyes became heavy, and I prepared for what was to come.

  25

  “What’s wrong?” it was my turn to ask as I stared down into Lily’s concerned eyes. I brought the back of my hand to her face and ran it down her cheek. Her dark blonde hair was spilled out all around where her head lay on the soft bed.

  “I have to tell you something,” she got out as if trying to fight the words but unable to hold them back.

  “Okay, what?” I asked, kissing the tip of her nose.

  “Ta-take Ludvig with you when you hunt the warlocks on Midworld. Ma-make sure to save Germany for last.” She squeezed her eyes shut and sighed as she finished what she had to say.

  “O...kay?” I said, flicking my gaze back and forth between her eyes. I let he
r words marinate in my brain, and then a realization came to mind. “That’s, um, actually not a bad idea. I mean, Magni is in Faerie with Depweg and Taylor. Plus, Lude and Hayley are kinda grossly in love or whatever. So that might work out perfectly. The dude is, like, pretty awesome in combat...and eating sandwiches.”

  A smile barely touched Lily’s lips that suggested she was happy for me, but her eyes became pained.

  “Any...um...anything else...you, ah, wanna say?” I asked, fearing the answer but unable to help myself. I knew something was wrong, but couldn’t figure out what.

  “Just that I want you to know how much I love you, and that I believe in you,” she said while grabbing the back of my head and pulling me down for a deep kiss.

  “I love you too,” I replied for about the fiftieth time. It felt good to do so, like when you put money into savings. No matter how small a deposit, it still felt good to do it. I had a lot of savings to deposit with Lily, and I know that sounds sexual, but I think you know what I mean. “I love you. Like a bunch, actually.”

  “Well, I certainly hope so,” she said with a little giggle. I saw the happy Lily starting to poke through again like the sun’s rays squeezing through a diminishing bank of storm clouds.

  From where I lay on my side, I pushed myself up and then got out of the bed that begged me to stay like the creepy twins in The Shining, “Forever and ever and ever.”

  “Shower is through there,” Lily pointed with a toe. As she did, the muscles in her quads and calf flexed, and my mouth started to water. “Nuh-uh. Playtime is over. Get showered and go see your friends. I’m sure they’ll be excited to see you.”

  With a sigh, I said, “You’re right.” My eyes were pulled from hers to land back on a toned, naked body, and I gulped.

  Lily giggled before pulling the covers on top of her and commanding, “Go!” pointing with her index finger this time.

  I walked into a modern bathroom that rivaled any five-star resort in the world, closing the door behind me.

  The far wall was nothing but a giant thick window with a snow-covered forest beyond. But where the snow at the front of the castle had been harsh and voluminous, this scene was that of beauty. Trees sprouted green limbs through the white snow. Small furry animals bustled all around, picking at red berries. Larger ones lay curled in the sun that I realized wasn’t being blotted out by a dense cloud cover.

  I walked across the surprisingly warm floor—realizing it was made of heated tiles—and put my hands on the window as I stared with wonderment.

  White and gray speckled birds chirped and flew between the trees, gathering in wonderful numbers that showcased a life I hadn’t expected from the Unseelie Court. A fresh flowing stream trickled through the land, with the largest salmon I had ever seen swimming against the current. A wading black bear snatched one out before walking to the edge of the shore. I watched in fascination, my nose almost touching the glass, as the bear only ate the skin of the fish, opting to leave the meat-covered carcass behind before returning to his spot in the water.

  A lynx came out of the bushes and snatched the large fish up before disappearing again into the woods.

  “Wooooooow,” I exhaled, looking at all the amazing life that the Winter Court had to offer.

  My head bumped into the glass after I tried to watch a squirrel run from a wolverine, and I pulled back, rubbing my face while chuckling at myself.

  Turning to the amazing room made of glass that acted as a shower, I stepped in, and once again marveled at the warm tiles under my bare feet.

  It took four or five steps to make it to the shower controls on the wall, and I was at a complete loss on how to operate them.

  “Where’s the stupid lever...thingy?” I asked the air, placing my hands on my hips and looking at the multitude of buttons.

  Being me, I started pushing all of them, enjoying how they illuminated, and was shocked when hot water started rocketing out of the walls, ceiling, and even the freaking floor. It tickled my feet and I quickly moved them out of the way, only to be struck in my Dragon Balls.

  With one hand covering my Lil’ John and friends, my other started smacking at controls on the wall until the floor stopped shooting water up. Once I found the right one, I began playing with the fancy buttons until I found a setting that was right for me: a regular freaking shower.

  Looking at some cutouts in the wall, I saw an army of beauty supplies and had absolutely no idea what they were for.

  Something caught my eye, and I picked up a curved, rounded stone that felt abrasive to the touch.

  “A rock? Who needs a rock in the shower?” I asked, examining the thing in my hands before an idea came to me. “Maybe it smells good?” I brought the rock up to my nose and sniffed. It did smell faintly of some sort of soap or oil. Losing interest and dismissing the object, I placed it back where I’d found it before grabbing a random glass bottle.

  None of the containers were labeled, and I had no idea which one was regular soap. Turning the bottle in my hands over, I saw that it was a viscous oil-type solution.

  “Okay, probably not that.”

  I reached for something else at random and saw that it was less like an oil and more like a smooth, purple lotion.

  “Eh, screw it,” I said, trying to figure out how to open the stupid bottle.

  After an embarrassingly long time, I got the liquid out and dumped it all over my head and body before replacing the lid and blindly setting it on the shelf again. Some of the soap was flowing down my forehead and toward my eyes, so I had them squeezed shut while trying to replace the glass. I heard a tinkle and felt the unmistakable feeling of something beginning to topple over.

  Shooting my eyes open in panic, I moved forward and quickly caught the dominoes as they began to fall, gently putting them back in place so Lily wouldn’t kill me for breaking her—assuredly—priceless beauty products. For her to have them meant they were no doubt enchanted, seeing as how a Fae queen like Lily didn’t need any mundane beauty products.

  Because the universe had comic timing, after the bottles were all secure, the soap oozing down my head seeped into both eyes, and they began stinging with a pain I had only thought possible coming from a federal agent’s pepper spray.

  I shrieked and started moving back into the water to rinse it away when another portion of my brain warned that it probably wasn’t a good idea to waste Lily’s product.

  Instead, I forced my hands to urgently rub the soap all over my body and through my hair, not missing any crevice, all while crying out a staccato with each exhale.

  “OOOOOWWWWW-wo-wo-wo-wo-whooooooo,” I lamented as I bent down to rub between my toes.

  Once I was happy that my entire body was soapy, I stood back in the water flow and rubbed at my eyes. I was tempted to just rip them out and let new ones grow, it hurt so bad.

  An idea came to me, and I blindly reached for the wall, tapping at it with my fingers until I found the bank of buttons.

  Remembering the original offender, I stepped to the side and pushed the button that sent a geyser shooting from the floor. I pushed it again, letting it turn off, and kept my finger poised over the button.

  Getting down on my free hand and knees, I positioned myself above the jet and briefly wondered if this was a good idea right as my finger decided to push the button and find out.

  Spoiler alert: it was not a good idea.

  Instead of washing the offending soap from my eyes, I was fairly positive I had just pushed even more of it up and behind my orbs so that the rest of my sockets could enjoy the indescribable burning sensation.

  I screamed, and water went up my mouth, where it met with the rushing, violent flow from my sinuses.

  Rolling to my side in defeat, I lifted my foot to tap at the wall until it found the buttons, and I pushed the one I thought was the right one.

  Instead, I was vaguely aware of the roof sliding open and a literal fucking waterfall pouring into where I lay. Well, “where I lay” made it sound like
it washed over my entire body. What I meant to say was that only my lower half seemed to be in its direct path, including my fully exposed McRib-Poker sitting atop two dense, non-GMO, fully organic tangerines.

  Air whooshed from my lungs as my brain panicked while trying to send a signal to scream in pain, instead getting it jumbled and only sending the command to expel all the air for said scream. The order to vibrate the vocal cords was lost in the confusion.

  I rolled to my side and out of the literal waterfall, which I wanted to appreciate for what it was but just couldn’t find the fucking motivation to do so right then. Ask me if I knew why...

  Curling into a fetal position with my eyes burning and my gonads pulsing in nauseating agony, I may have cried a little. But just a little, I promise.

  I put on my best Rutger Hauer impression, given the circumstances, and wheezed out, “...like tears, in the waterfall.” After I said it, I became mad at myself for wasting such an epic line from Blade Runner that Rutger had improvised, much to the delight of Ridley Scott.

  Bah, not all my movie references could be perfect. And for a reason I couldn’t quite put my dick on, my brain was not workeding too good right then.

  The plentiful bounty of tears had done precisely as I had intended them to and had cleared out my eyes of the remaining offender. Just like I had planned.

  Blinking them open, I saw the wall of buttons and crawled with my hands while my lower half remained on its side, protecting my boys from further harm. Even though they had fully healed, there remained a latent ghost pain that any guy could relate to when asked with an immediate, “Oooooohhhhh!” and wide eyes. Just ask a guy to think about getting kicked in the nads and watch him shift uncomfortably.

  I pushed the waterfall button and watched as the roof slid back in place. As it did, I was forced to admire how freaking cool it was to have an actual waterfall as a shower. I mean, come on. Not even Bill Gates had that...I don’t think. Was he even still alive? What year was it again? Oh shit! I’d have to go back and see what celebrities we’d lost over the last thirteen years. I was still unhappy about Robin Williams. I couldn’t prove it for sure, but I swear he was some sort of supe. But I digress.