It Started at Christmas...

by Jo McNally

  He let out his breath with a growl and his mouth fell on hers hungrily. Their tongues met and danced and twisted, and she was every bit as aggressive as he was. He pulled her hips into his. She not only allowed it to happen, she ground her lower body against his and felt a thrill when he hardened against her. She’d lost control of herself, and for once in her life, she didn’t care. He pulled his mouth away from hers, dropping quick kisses on her cheeks, her eyelids, her hair, her chin. Then he took her mouth again and she clung to his shoulders. She felt like she was falling, and she was. She was falling for him. This was uncharted territory, and a surge of panic rose.

  He sensed it immediately and pulled away, leaving his hands on her hips to keep her upright. She had no doubt that if he let go of her, she’d crumple at his feet in a boneless heap. They stood there, panting, staring at each other. Every kiss seemed to leave them in this same position. His hooded eyes were deepest dark mahogany, his voice gruff and tight.

  “I won’t apologize for how much I want you, Amanda.”

  Instead of the normal dread that thought should invoke, she realized she wanted him, too. She wanted to defeat all of her demons and she wanted this man to help her do it.

  He gave her one last gentle kiss on the lips. “We should go. The fire’s lit, Zach’s waiting to beat us both at Guitar Gods, and I ordered a pizza from the village.”

  Amanda followed him in thoughtful silence. Is this what life could be like at Halcyon? Or was it just a teasing glimpse of something she’d never be a part of?

  * * *

  Blake looked down at Amanda sleeping in the big chair. He’d pulled the chair closer to the fire earlier, and she’d read a book there while he and Zach played a video game. It had been a lovely family evening. Another first for Blake.

  There’d been no pizza nights in his childhood. No mud fights. No women cleaning bathtubs in snug jeans that made their ass look like a perfect heart. He didn’t realize how much he’d been missing until right this very moment.

  Zach had gone up to bed, and was probably fast asleep already. Blake dropped to his knees in front of Amanda’s reclining form and brushed a golden curl away from her face. She stirred and opened her eyes dreamily. Stretching like a cat, she sighed and smiled at him. It was a smile of contentment and security. Of innocence and anticipation. More than anything else in the world, he wanted to see that smile on her face every day for the rest of his life. The thought was unfamiliar and sobering, but truer than anything he’d felt before. This woman made him think about forever. That wall around his heart was shattering, leaving him frighteningly vulnerable.

  She sat up and grew more serious. Was she worrying about that bathroom kiss? She stood and they faced each other, not touching, tension filling the space between them.

  He bit back a frustrated curse and put his hands on her shoulders. Then he did what he thought he had to do. He lied.

  “Nothing has changed, Amanda.” He didn’t know about her, but everything had changed for him. Still, he told her what she needed to hear. “We’ll take things at your pace. It won’t be easy after that kiss, but we’re adults, and we can handle this.” He pressed his lips against her forehead and felt her body tense. He was missing a piece of her story. This reaction of hers was from more than being mugged. He lifted his head and waited quietly until she raised her eyes to his. “What is it, baby? What happened to make you so frightened? Who hurt you?”

  She shook her head quickly, pulling away from him. Her clear eyes grew cloudy with tension. Then she drew her shoulders back and gave him that brave, but false, smile. She was burying her fears again.

  He tried one more time. “Tell me what it is. Let me help you...”

  “I’m fine. I’m good. Just tired. Good night, Blake.” Without another word, she turned and headed up the staircase. He followed in silence, watching her close the door to her room without looking back at him once.

  He stood in front of his bedroom windows for a long time. Gallant Lake was bathed in the soft light of a nearly full moon, but he had no appreciation for the view. All he could think of was the troubled woman getting ready for bed next door. He distracted himself by checking his email and responding to a few questions from his resort managers in various locations. Work was his comfort zone, somewhere he felt sure of himself and in control. Two things he never felt when he was in Amanda Lowery’s presence.

  He finally stood and stretched, ready to attempt sleep at last. Walking over to the fireplace, he stared at an old painting of Halcyon on the mantel as he unbuttoned his shirt. He couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong in this house tonight. He was sitting on the edge of the bed removing his shoes when he heard the first scream.

  She has nightmares...

  Amanda!

  He ran into the hallway, wearing nothing but his jeans. Zach was just coming out of his room at the opposite end of the hall with wide eyes. Blake ran to her door and grabbed the knob. Locked. Another terror-filled scream shuddered through the hallway. He didn’t hesitate. A well-placed kick splintered the wood next to the lock and the door flew open.

  She was thrashing under the sheets, her face soaked with tears.

  “Get off me! Stop!”

  “Amanda! Wake up, it’s just a dream.” Blake grabbed her shoulders. She tried to hit him so he took both of her hands and held them over her head with one of his. His upper body was over hers, pinning her down. “Open your eyes! Look at me!”

  Her eyes flashed open at his demand. So much stark fear staring back at him. As she began to focus, her breathing slowed, but she was still shaking all over. She tried to move her hands, but he had them captured above her. Her face paled.

  “Please don’t...that’s how he...”

  He released her immediately and slid off her. He held one of her hands in his and sat on the edge of the bed. She took in a ragged breath. “Zach?”

  Blake turned and saw Zach frozen in the doorway.

  “Go back to bed, buddy. It was just a bad dream. I’ll take care of Miss Amanda.”

  Zach looked from Blake to Amanda, and she gave him a nod of reassurance. He hesitated, then turned away. When they heard his bedroom door close, Blake let out a long breath.

  “Jesus, Amanda.” He brushed a strand of hair away from her face. “Why didn’t you tell me this was happening?” He felt a stab of guilt for not asking her about them before now. She was right—he dealt with problems he didn’t know how to solve by ignoring them.

  She pushed herself up, and he quickly propped pillows behind her so she could lean back against the headboard, curls tumbling around her shoulders. Her pale blue cotton nightgown was damp with her sweat and clung to her. Her breathing was rough and uneven, her cheeks wet with tears. What was left of that wall around his heart came tumbling down with a thundering crash. Finally exposed, he could actually feel his heart breaking for her.

  “You broke my door.” She sounded so forlorn.

  “Yes, I did. And I’ll do it again. No more locks.”

  She shook her head emphatically, but he caught and cupped her chin in his hand. “No more nightmares behind locked doors, Amanda.”

  He turned so he could lean against the headboard next to her, then pulled her close. Her arms wrapped tightly around his torso, and she felt soft and sweet in his embrace. He kissed her hair as she rested her head on his chest. She was so quiet he thought she’d fallen asleep.

  “I was sixteen.” When she spoke, a chill fell over the room. He held his breath, wondering if she’d continue. Maybe she was talking in her sleep.

  “I was sixteen,” she started again with a stronger voice, definitely awake. “And you were right, I was a high school cheerleader. Jimmy Waldron was our quarterback. The team was undefeated that season, and Jimmy was the hero of Jenner, Kansas. He was a senior. So handsome. So popular. And he asked me to the homecoming dance. I couldn’t believe it. I wor
e my first long dress...it was yellow. I’d always been a tomboy, you know, climbing trees and playing softball, but that night I felt like a princess.”

  He pulled the blanket up and wrapped it around her. He imagined her as a teenager, dressed in a sun-colored gown, with her wavy blond hair falling down her back. As pretty as the image was, he already knew this story was not going to have a happy ending.

  “Jimmy said he had a surprise for me after the dance. He drove me out to the river in his truck. There was a full moon that night.” Her voice was flat, and she paused after each sentence as if she was summoning the courage to say the next one. “I thought that’s why he took me there. To see the moon over the water. He kissed me. My first kiss. But then...” She stopped talking for so long that he thought she might not continue. He wasn’t about to push her. “He...grabbed at me. I got scared, and he got rough. He pushed me to the ground and I just lay there staring up at him. I didn’t run away. I didn’t even try to. I was so stupid...”

  “Don’t say that. It wasn’t your fault.” Blake’s throat was tight. “You did nothing wrong.”

  She kept talking, as if she couldn’t stop herself from reciting the story she’d been reliving in nightmares. “He tore my dress. Everything he did hurt me...”

  His stomach churned.

  “You don’t have to tell me...”

  But apparently she did.

  “He held my hands over my head and...” Blake closed his eyes tightly, trying to block the image of what she was describing. “I thought I was going to die. I begged him to stop. There was a stone under my left shoulder. A really sharp stone. I still have a little scar where it cut into me while he...while he...” She took a deep breath. “He kept saying I wanted it. But I didn’t. I didn’t! I finally just focused on that stone cutting into my back. I didn’t think about anything but that damned stone...”

  “Amanda...” His voice broke.

  “By the time he dropped me off at home, I was numb.”

  “You were in shock, baby,” Blake whispered into her hair. “He’s in prison now?”

  She shook her head against his chest. “Last I heard, he was selling used cars in Wichita.”

  “He wasn’t charged?” How could that bastard be walking around free after raping her?

  “It was...complicated. That’s the word my stepfather used. You see, Jimmy’s father was the mayor of our little town. He also owned the car dealership. My stepdad, Mitch, worked for him. My mom wanted to call the police, but Mitch didn’t want me to cause any trouble...”

  “And your mom dropped it, just like that?”

  “She’d come hold me when I had nightmares, but she wouldn’t go against Mitch, not even for me. I hated her for that weakness. He left her a few years after that for some woman he sold a car to.”

  Blake squeezed her tightly. He tried to imagine a young girl coming home torn and bloodied and in shock. What kind of man could see her like that and not call the police? But he knew. He knew his own father probably would have reacted the same way. Don’t cause trouble. Don’t damage the family reputation. Don’t look weak.

  She gave a short, mirthless laugh. “You know what Mitch was worried about? He said if I caused trouble for Jimmy while the football team was headed for the state championship, the whole town would hate us. And they did win the state championship. I always thought that trophy should have been mine. They wouldn’t have had it without me staying quiet.”

  He swallowed hard, not knowing what to say to that. “Did you at least change schools?”

  “We would have had to move, and Mitch wouldn’t do that. He let me stay home until the bruises healed, and then I had to go back to class. It was just pure luck that I didn’t end up pregnant or infected with something. But the girl I was died that day. The guys on the football team snickered when I walked by. The whole school was talking. By Christmas, I’d dropped my friends, or they’d dropped me—I don’t really know which. I didn’t trust anyone or anything.” She fidgeted in his arms, restless and tense. “I couldn’t stand to be touched after that. So much worse than I am now. Every man’s touch felt like his hands.”

  Blake ran his hand slowly up and down her arm, stunned into silence. He kissed the top of her head again, then tipped her chin up so he could look at her face. Her eyes were sad and bright with tears, and the sight made his heart tighten.

  “You’ve been having nightmares this bad all these years?”

  “No. I locked it all away for a long time once I left Kansas. I had some counseling in college to deal with my fear of being touched. I built my career. I even dated a little. But being touched...like that...has always been a problem.” He felt her tremble. “I went back to counseling a year ago. Dr. Jackson insisted I talk about the rape in session, which brought it all back, and that’s when the nightmares and panic attacks started up again. She said it’s healthy in a way, because I’m finally confronting my past. When I’m stressed, it’s so much worse.”

  “But Dr. Jackson thinks you’ll work through it?”

  “God, I hope so.” She smiled for the first time, and Blake kissed her forehead in relief. It was amazing anyone could smile after what she’d gone through. “She said I pushed the whole thing so deeply into denial for so long that I’m paying the price now, by having this hyperreaction to it. But she insists I have to confront my past before I can move on. Being raped ended my childhood. But I can’t let it be the end of me.”

  Her voice faded at the end of the sentence, as if she wasn’t quite convinced. He thought back to that first day they’d met. How she’d tried to keep him from touching her. When she’d landed on the hard stone floor and he’d been above her, she’d passed out from terror. Now he knew why. He couldn’t imagine the toll that would take on a person as years passed. He looked down at her.

  “Thank you, Amanda.”

  Her forehead crinkled. “For what?”

  “For telling me. That couldn’t have been easy.”

  She rested back against his chest. He put his hand protectively on the back of her head, cradling her, ready to fight off the whole damned world for her.

  “It just came out. I’ve only talked to my cousins about it. And Dr. Jackson, of course. Did I tell you that in my dreams, I always fight back? The doctor says that’s important—something about reclaiming my power. She keeps encouraging me to talk about it more. She says it will help me accept it so I can move forward. But it’s...hard to talk about. It takes a lot out of me... I get so tired...”

  And just like that, her breathing changed, and Blake knew she’d fallen into a deep sleep. He carefully slid down onto the bed with her and held her against him, watching her face as she slept.

  Some deep, unnamed emotion began to blossom in his heart as he watched her breathe in and out softly. He didn’t know what it was, and it frightened him. He placed his lips softly on her forehead, then pulled her closer as he closed his eyes.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Blake slipped out of Amanda’s room before she woke. Leaving her soft, warm body was more difficult than he’d expected, and he almost crawled right back under the covers. He stood next to the bed for a long time, watching how the early morning light kissed her face, with her hair fanned across the pillow.

  He wanted to make sure she never had another sad moment in her life. Ever. And that realization was what propelled him out of her room. These roiling, unfamiliar emotions scared the hell out of him.

  He was a coward for showering and leaving for the resort before she came downstairs for breakfast, but he didn’t know what to do. He’d never felt this way about a woman in his entire life. In his world, women chased after him, and for all the wrong reasons. They wanted his lifestyle, his wealth and, yes, he supposed they liked his looks, too. But none of them really knew who he was.

  His whole life was just one unending example of how relationships never worked. His par
ents. His brother and Michaela. He and the few women he’d tried getting serious with. Tiffany and every loser she’d brought home. The Randall family seemed genetically incapable of long-term relationships.

  He stopped pacing his office and headed down to the lobby, restless inside and out. Amanda knew what Tiffany’s death had done to him. She knew his fears about Zachary, and she loved his nephew fiercely. She knew his secrets, and after last night, he knew hers. Did that mean they had a relationship? Did he want that? Did she? Would theirs be just as doomed as every other relationship he’d had?

  His attraction to her made no sense at all. She was petite and blonde, while he generally preferred tall and exotic. She was vulnerable, and he’d never liked weakness of any kind. She challenged him, and he generally had no patience for people who did that.

  But she had ocean-blue eyes he could easily drown in. Curves that whispered his name every time she came near him. Lips softer than velvet. He scrubbed both hands down his face with a groan. He was driving himself crazy.

  “What was that, Mr. Randall?” Julie’s question jolted him back to awareness. He’d been so lost in his thoughts he hadn’t even noticed she’d walked over to join him near the center of the lobby.

  “Nothing, Julie. I’m just tired.”

  She tipped her head thoughtfully. “Yes, you’ve been busy since your return to Gallant Lake. Is everything all right?” Then she came right out and asked it. “Are you happy with everything Amanda did at Halcyon?”

  He gave her a hard look. She was asking about more than the renovation of the house. Amanda hadn’t had many champions in her life, and he was glad Julie was one of them. The corner of his mouth lifted in a crooked grin.