by Mj Fields
STP’s “Interstate Love Song.”
Jumping off the stage, Ben steps to me and pulls me into a bear hug.
I wave Cass and Jimmy over and introduced them to Ben, telling them that we have known each other for years. I notice Jade standing impatiently, waiting.
Ben does, too. He looks from her to me. “Okay, so when can I see you again, Tess?”
“I don’t know.”
“We play again in two weeks here, but on Saturday. Can you make it?”
“Of course, but what about before then?”
“I’ll call you tomorrow. I’m pretty sure I can work something out.” Ben kisses me. “See you soon, Tessa Ross, the rock goddess.”
As soon as he’s gone, Cassidy levels me with a fake glare. “And you have a type, too.”
“Yeah? And what’s that?”
“Hot as hell. Lucas is hot, Ben is fire. Music over sports,” she explains, and I laugh.
When I turn around, Jade grabs my hand. “Let’s go.”
I pull it away. “I rode with them, and I’m leaving with them.”
She shrugs. “Fine. I’ll call Uncle John.”
“Seriously!”
She’s dead-ass serious, and before she jumps on her high horse and makes them feel bad, I give in.
I look at Cassidy. “I’ll call you when my mother isn’t around.”
Chapter Thirteen
Jade flings the passenger door of Lucas’s vehicle open and demands, “Get in.”
I look in and see Tommy in the back. Then I look back at Jade, giving her the you’ve-got-to-be-fucking-kidding-me look, which she completely ignores as she steps away then opens the back door and slides in.
When a car beeps behind us, I get in.
As Lucas pulls forward, I reach over and turn up the music.
Lucas looks at me.
“What?” I snap.
He reaches across me and grabs my seat belt, buckling it.
I give him a dirty look.
He pulls onto the busy street. “There are four of us, Tessa. Don’t be difficult.”
Jade asks him to turn down the music, and he does. Then she unleashes.
“What the hell was that, Tessa?”
“That was me having fun, Jade … and you screwing it up!”
“Really, Tessa? Me screwing it up? You need to slow it down. Your friends, Tessa, your real friends want to help you through this.”
“I don’t need your help, Jade. I’m good.” I throw myself back against the seat and look out the window.
“No, you’re not! Toby has been dead for two weeks. Your aunt died when you were there alone with her, and you haven’t even talked to me about it, Tessa.”
“What is there to say? They died.” I whip around. “And seriously, why now?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” she snaps back at me.
I wave her off as I turn back around and turn up the radio.
“Lucas, turn off the radio. Tessa, I asked you a question. What is that supposed to mean?”
“Figure it out,” I yawn out, curling up into a ball.
“No freaking games, Tessa. Tell me!”
“Okay, I’ve been dealing with a lot of shit lately, and I have dealt with it. Now you want to step in? I don’t think so. I’ve fucking got this.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” she demands.
“I really don’t want to—”
“I really don’t care, Tessa!” she retorts.
“Okay.” I spin around. “I go to school and hide from all of you because I don’t want to deal with this. I eat lunch in the fucking library every day while you all sit together. I come home after school, and I’m alone. I go to rehearsal and come home … alone. I’ve talked to Toby about everything that I used to talk to you about, and then he died, Jade!” My voice breaks, and I clear it before continuing. “He was my support, not you. Now I need to fill that fucking empty black hole, and I am doing so, and now you want to step in? I’m dealing with this by myself, the way I need to, and you just keep rubbing my fresh wounds with old shit!” I nod toward Lucas. “Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m happy for you.” I look at Tommy. “I love Tommy.”
He smiles softly. “I love you, too, Tessa.”
“No, I really do,” I tell him. “You’re amazing. The best. You have the whitest hat.”
“Thank you. I feel the same—”
Jade snaps her fingers between us, breaking up our little heart to heart.
I look back to her, and all the warm and fuzzies from Tommy scatter into the corner as the pissed off comes back front and center.
“I have been on a fucking emotional rollercoaster over the past few months, and I’ve done it alone. That’s the way it is, and that’s the way I want it to be. Is that enough for you, Jade? Was it necessary to do this in front of an audience?”
“You’re the one who has chosen not to be around us, Tessa! We’re all friends, and this is your doing.”
“Jade, that’s enough,” Tommy says, taking her pointy-ass finger.
“No, it’s not, Tommy.” Her voice breaks.
“Yes, it is. I’m done with this conversation.” I turn back around and get comfortable then look over my shoulder at Tommy. “I seriously love you.”
He chuckles. “I seriously love you back.”
Jade looks between him and me then asks, “If this is about Lucas, stop it. You two ended it nicely.”
I look over at him and force a laugh. “Yeah, we did, didn’t we, Lucas?”
He glances over. “Tessa, I’m sorry.” Then he says nothing.
Obviously, he doesn’t want dirt on his white hat, and Jade is clearly the one to kick up some dirt when she’s pissed. This, in any other case, is admirable. But not when the breeze is blowing in my direction, and especially not when it’s not my dirt to begin with.
I have had enough of that shit, so it ends now.
“Sorry for what, buddy? Sorry for wanting to share with your friends?”
“What does that mean?” Jade asks cluelessly.
“Not now, Jade,” Tommy whispers. “We can talk later, please?”
“Yeah, you two do that, because I’m done with this, have been for a few months now.”
“That’s not—”
“It’s not even close to being the same, Jade,” I cut her off, “and I know this to my soul, but when the white hats came to town, you got a fresh start. You got to live. Not the same with a breakup. And Toby …” I swallow back tears. “He wasn’t blood, but in a way, he was family, and he was who I saw as my future. With Cassidy, and Jimmy, and Ben, I get that fresh start, too. So, please stop fucking it up for me.”
“You’re right; it’s not the same. Not at all. I didn’t hop from being in love with Lucas to being—”
“Jade,” Tommy sighs, pulling her against him. “No more. Not tonight.”
“Not fucking ever!” I snap as I turn from them, all of them, and stare out the window.
Silence, deafening silence, ear-shattering, earth-shaking silence fills the car and, for once, I win my fight with tears, and I am totally aware it’s because, next to laughter, anger is the best medicine.
Lucas pulls off at an exit and hits a drive-thru. He hands a bag back to Tommy and one to me.
I scowl at him. “I’m not hungry.”
He rolls his eyes. “You will be.”
A few minutes later, I am mindlessly eating fries. When I realize it, I glance over at Lucas, who purses his lips, trying not to smirk. I smack him in the arm then go back to eating fries.
Belly full, body exhausted, and heart heavy, I close my eyes before Jade and Tommy get out of Lucas’s vehicle to avoid any further arguments. I push myself from the emotional pain that I feel from further losing Jade, my best friend since birth, to all that has been my senior year. Then my thoughts drift to Chatham, a place that brings me more peace than even my falls.
I wake up to the feeling of my hair being twirled and jump when I realize it’s n
ot a dream, and it’s not Mom. I’m in Lucas’s vehicle.
“Shit.” I hit my foot that was tucked under me against his dashboard.
Lucas opens his eyes and pulls his hand back. “Sorry. I, uh …” He shakes his head. “Guess I fell asleep.”
“You should have woke me up when we got here,” I huff. “Thanks for the ride.” I reach for the door handle.
“Wait, Tessa.” He sits up and grabs my arm.
“What’s up, Lucas?”
“Please shut the door.”
“Lucas, I’m tired and really don’t think—”
“Don’t think. Just sit.” He then closes his eyes and pleads, “Please.”
“Okay, fine.” I slam the door shut then turn toward him.
He turns down the music. “You’re freaking me out.”
“Really?”
“Yes, Tessa. You just lost two important people in your life, and you’re smoking pot and acting reckless. That’s not you.”
“It is now,” I only half-joke.
“No, Tessa. You’re not thinking clearly. You’re not doing this right.”
I roll my eyes. “Then please, Lucas, by all means, school me on how I should be dealing with this.”
“Not by getting fucked up,” he says. “You taught me that.”
“Well, look at you now. You got through this. I will, too. Are you still getting high, Lucas? I could use a hookup,” I reply sarcastically.
“That shit’s not funny coming from you, Tessa,” Lucas snaps. “How would Toby feel?”
“You don’t get to do that!”
“I’m sorry, but if he loved you, he wouldn’t want you to be doing this to yourself.”
“Okay, I’m done with this conversation.” I turn to open the door and hear the click of the lock.
“You need to talk, Tessa. Stop!”
“I don’t want to talk!” Heat begins to burn my eyes. “Open the door, Lucas!”
“No.”
“Is this because you’re pissed about Ben tonight?” I ask, attempting to hurt him as he is me.
“Actually, it isn’t. It’s about you and your loss of both of them. God, baby.” He reaches toward me to push my hair from my face. “I’m so sorry for everything you have gone through.”
I position myself farther away, because I hate that I allowed that and am afraid, so afraid, that I’ll allow it more. Anything with him.
“Lucas … you’ve done worse than I’m doing to get through pain. I don’t understand how you can sit back and judge me and my actions.”
“I’m not, Tessa. I just don’t want you to go through anymore,” Lucas whispers softly.
I whip my head from the window to him. “You don’t get to say that to me, Lucas. You don’t get to act like you give a shit! You want to play superhero now? After you’ve acted like the villain these past few months? Screw you, Lucas.” I jerk the handle to find it still locked. “Open the fucking door now!”
He doesn’t move, and anger burns in my eyes, anger at myself and at him, but mostly fucking him.
“You’re not allowed to act like you care about me and my feelings! You don’t get to act like you know me! You don’t get to send flowers to a funeral that you attended, for what reason I still don’t know. You crushed me over and over again, and you think you can act concerned about me? I can’t believe you!” With each angry thing I say, he blinks as if I’m striking him, and I really hate that I feel bad for him, for Lucas, my emotional tormentor.
Knowing tears are coming, I pull my legs up and bury my face in my knees to hide the evidence as I continue to tell him off.
“You brought me into a dark room, kissed me and blindfolded me, with two ex-fucks who tried to kick my ass not once but twice, and you get to act concerned? Again, I don’t think so!”
“Tessa, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” I feel his hand on my back and jerk away from his touch.
“I had a glimmer of hope that night that maybe you felt just a little bit as much for me as I did for you! Maybe that you didn’t want to be without me. Maybe we could’ve figured something out, and you did that to me? I cannot begin to tell you how that felt, Lucas. How it felt to know that you wanted to share me with those two … animals.”
He grabs my hand, but I pull it away. “Tessa, I would’ve never done it. Never gone through with it.”
I pop up and sneer at him, “Liar! You did do it, and you were to fucked up to care! Why would you do that to me? Why were they there? Why would you invite me if you knew they would be there? You know what? I don’t want to know.” I bat away tears. “I just want to be alone.”
“Tessa, baby … don’t.” He touches my hair again.
“Lucas, I’ll never trust you again. Maybe someday I can forgive you, but I will never trust you ever.”
“You can,” Lucas speaks softly. “I would never—”
“I miss Ann, Toby … They ground me” I sob out, “and I’m not going to be a liar, and say that I don’t sometimes miss you, too, but right now, not even a little.”
His eyes widen, and I see the pain in them.
“Maybe not you, but what we were together. And now you’re an ass! I’m handling this the best way I know how, and you, and Jade, and Tommy, and—”
“Tessa, I’m sorry, and I’m sorry about Jade and the people you need. And why the fuck are you hiding in the library? You can’t do that anymore! I won’t fucking let you!”
I huff, “Let me? Not your place, Links. Never gonna be. You want a friend someday, you better recognize that right now. I’m doing what I need to.”
He reaches over the console and pulls me toward him so fast that I don’t have time to react. Then he hugs me so tightly that I can’t pull away.
Kissing the top of my head, with his lips against my hair, he says, “I get you don’t need this, but I want you to hear it, anyway. My heart hurts in a way that makes no sense, because yes, Toby was fucking perfect for you. I fucked up that night. I’ll fuck up again. A million more times, I’m sure. You don’t have to claim me as a friend, Tessa Ross, but the only other person who gets that reaction from me is Tommy. So, you’re mine.”
He pulls back, and I look away, trying to hide my tears. He then lifts my chin and presses his forehead to mine. “You may not like it—hell, I wish it away every fucking day—but it’s there, and it’s there to stay. I promised to always be your friend. You promised the same, Tessa. Maybe we shouldn’t be hanging out in your hot tub for a while, but both of us are going to be okay. I’ll never do anything like that to you again.”
I lean away and wipe my tears. Then I finish the words from that conversation that seems a lifetime ago, maybe two. “Can’t blame it on the hot tub, but you can unlock the damn door.”
He hits the button as he asks, “You want me to walk you in?”
“No, I can handle it. Thanks for the ride.” I reach for the handle when he grabs my hand.
“Wait.”
I pull my hand away, this time less aggressively.
“I’m … well, I just …” He grabs his hat from under his seat and puts it on before pulling it down to shield his eyes. “If you like Ben, slow down, okay?”
I roll my eyes. “I’ll take that into consideration. How’s Sadi?”
He turns his head quickly and studies my face before answering, “I think she’s trying. I hope she is for our baby, anyway.” He pauses, still trying to read my face. “It doesn’t matter. Just take care of yourself, okay? I want you to be happy, Tessa, and …” He stops and looks at his phone as it rings in his cup holder. “Give me a second.”
He grabs his phone and flips it open, answering with, “This is Lucas.”
In the dark and quiet of night, I hear a cry. “I think my water broke, and I’m scared.”
“Sadi, this better not be another false—”
“Lucas! It hurts!”
He freezes, doesn’t say a thing, and I flip open his console, grab a pad of paper and pen, and do what I have done before—I write
out what he should say.
I grab his free hand and link our fingers together while holding the pad out.
He closes his eyes tightly, and I squeeze harder. Then I close my door, showing him that I’m not leaving.
He opens his eyes then reads out loud, “Call an ambulance and get to the hospital. I’ll meet you there. You’re going to be fine.”
Sadi cries, “You have to be there. I—”
I start to write, but he doesn’t need me to.
“I promise I’m on my way. Call 9-1-1, Sadi. I’ll see you there.”
He hangs up then tosses his phone across the dashboard. “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!”
I reach for his phone, snag the keys from his ignition, and open the door.
I dial Tommy’s number as I walk around the vehicle.
“Tommy, you need to meet Lucas at the hospital. Sadi’s water broke.”
“Okay, on my way.”
“See you in twenty minutes.”
“You sure she’s not—”
“Tommy”—I open Lucas’s driver’s side door—“he needs you.”
“Be there in twenty. And Tessa, I’m sorr—”
“I love Jade, and I love you, Tommy. Twenty minutes.”
“He just couldn’t see he deserved you, Tessa. He—”
“Your love score is moving south the more you talk. He and I are doing what friends do. You gotta do that now and—”
“Thanks, Tessa. See you in twenty,” Tommy cuts me off.
I open his door and grab his hand. “Come on inside.”
“I don’t feel so good,” he mumbles.
“I know,” I say, hurrying.
After getting him to the bathroom, I run upstairs and into Alex’s room, shaking him awake. He startles and jumps up.
“I need to drive Lucas’s car to the hospital. You need to bring me home. Sadi’s water just broke.”
Alex jumps out of bed, and I run down to the bathroom, searching for a toothbrush then handing it to Lucas.
He looks up, and I swear I have never seen him scared before now.
“Brush and let’s go.”
Holding his hand, I walk us outside and open his passenger door. “Get in.”
“You okay to drive?” he asks, sliding in.
