becoming.

by Renaada Williams

and make me believe the solution

  is in this capsule

  as if all of these years i’ve spent

  living

  thinking

  and feeling

  could be fixed that easily

  - Zoloft

  as if talking aloud to someone

  who tells me everything i tell myself

  when i have a clear spot in my brain

  will make the clutter

  in my brain

  just magically clean itself up

  i doubted it

  but i went anyway

  i sat across from a woman who seemed so pleasant

  and eager to help

  i kept going because i guess that’s what i was

  supposed to be doing

  but

  what exactly is she

  supposed to be doing?

  what are these pills

  SUPPOSED to be doing?

  because whenever i have idle time

  i’m reminding myself that i don’t have nine lives

  and if i try again i might actually strike out.

  i might actually end up tearstained

  makeup smothered

  on a cold corpse that no longer looks anything like me

  because

  dying seemed to be the only thing that made sense to me

  however

  i went again anyway.

  she looked at me

  with love in her heart

  pain in her voice

  and defeat in her eyes

  and in that moment

  i knew

  i wouldn’t be going back

  - therapy sessions

  to wake up every day

  telling myself i feel like living today

  as if it were that easy

  as if i didn’t fight this hard for today

  yesterday.

  as if i didn’t break every bone in my body

  bending and molding

  to fit inside places

  i probably shouldn’t have been in.

  haven’t we all

  had our last straw?

  questions to a higher power

  trying to figure out what went wrong

  i know you know what it feels like to not be able

  to breathe

  to speak

  to feel

  i know what hands clenched to the chest

  from crying all night feels like

  and i think you do too

  - normal

  a lot of people

  think

  it’s a choice

  to be dark

  as if sadness were a gift

  as if feeling empty

  made us whole.

  sometimes

  we just want someone

  to be still.

  to understand our stories

  to find us in the dark

  and choose

  to love us out of it.

  there is

  love

  out here for me.

  everything BLACK

  there is

  n o t h i n g

  more powerful than us

  black kings and queens

  we

  are the only ones acting like there is

  to see

  people

  develop so much love

  to be everything like us

  but

  the color of our skins

  - the power of melanin gods

  there are people out here

  who would rather see you

  hurt

  struggling

  and suffering

  leave them where they are

  and say

  nothing.

  we

  are worth much more

  than t-shirts

  headlines

  street names

  and

  #hashtags

  i need more people

  who look like me

  to make it!

  no

  i didn’t have to stand around

  and watch someone i love

  dangle from a tree

  to know there are people out here

  that still think

  we

  are disposable

  i

  won’t ever apologize

  to the people who don’t know my struggle

  they will never endure my pain.

  they do not understand my journey

  but they will always be able to hear about it

  as long as

  i am

  able to write about it.

  as if killing us off isn’t killing us internally

  as if

  walking around trying to make it back home

  isn’t a mission

  as if coming outside

  wanting

  to go outside

  isn’t a mission.

  and they thought

  letting you out

  meant you had justice

  as if

  that ever

  gave you peace

  - Kalief Browder

  we

  have the right to remain silent

  but God forbid we speak.

  i just want to live in a world

  that i’m not afraid

  to be alive in.

  there isn’t anything redeemable

  about hate

  but

  how powerful we must be

  to have it remain infinite for us.

  be brave

  be bold

  and

  remain beautiful

  no matter how bad you feel

  our time isn’t coming

  it’s already here.

  save yourself

  there is

  nothing more complicated

  than not knowing what you want

  and

  accepting everything else

  that just doesn’t seem worth it

  - meantime

  you

  are not here to be

  everything

  for someone else

  and

  nothing

  for self.

  blessings mean more to some

  than praying does

  either way

  i’m thankful

  - priorities

  we’ve been given

  the tools

  the spells

  and the power

  to create everything

  we want

  you

  are not this strong

  to be weak

  for someone else.

  here is so much beauty

  in growth

  change

  and

  practice.

  - pursuit

  it will not happen overnight

  it may take days

  months

  or even years

  but in the end

  i promise it’ll be worth it.

  my journey

  was sought out

  planted

  and fertilized

  for this growth.

  don’t spend all of your time and energy

  giving someone else your life

  share yourself in portions

  enough to have some for them

  enough to still hold on to you.


  the thing about art

  about magic

  is that some people will get it

  it’ll move them in ways they could never even imagine

  and for some

  they won’t understand

  they’ll have more reasons than a few

  to make it seem as though

  this

  as though you

  aren’t as beautiful

  and powerful

  as though you

  aren’t as realistic as they would want you to be

  and you

  have to know

  that you don’t require an explanation.

  understand that being strong is beautiful but

  so is vulnerability.

  soon you will be trying to find anything

  to break the fall you feel

  while

  staring at your reflection in the mirror

  knowing

  love

  never

  felt this real

  - love yours

  create your own meaning

  understand what feels good to you

  recognize

  what doesn’t

  don’t give in

  this

  is not it.

  love

  is not meant to be

  this exhausting.

  you

  have to stop customizing yourself

  to fit someone who doesn’t even deserve

  you.

  choose

  yourself

  your faith

  your intuition

  every.

  single.

  time.

  - never give up

  i was never looking for the light

  at the end of the tunnel

  i didn’t go into the belly of the beast

  thinking it would be something pretty left over for me to grasp

  i knew inside there was a jungle

  i knew i had to

  be hungry enough

  strong enough

  and passionate enough

  to survive

  we are created in the darkness and

  forced into the light

  - new life

  remind yourself

  to be more specific when you pray

  you

  cannot ask to be used by the universal God

  and be mad

  when you’re tested

  nobody

  will ever be what you need

  if you

  are still learning

  what that is

  - acceptance

  we are staying in unsafe places

  on purpose

  and blaming other people for breaking our hearts.

  stop saying

  i’m fine

  when you’re not

  it’s ok

  to say nothing

  when

  n o t h i n g

  is how you feel.

  you

  are allowed to detour

  as many times as you want

  as long as you find your way back

  to self.

  you are the only one

  not putting yourself first

  you owe it to yourself

  to be by yourself

  to love

  and value yourself

  to understand that you need time

  time to know what you will

  and will not tolerate.

  if it still

  triggers you

  you may still have some work to do.

  silence is important

  being still is important

  taking the control back over your mind

  over your body

  over your energy

  is important.

  pay them no mind when they say

  you aren’t good enough.

  only a fool can hold

  a diamond with their bare hands

  and not be amazed.

  when you know

  all you bring

  to the table

  never be afraid

  to choose your seat.

  be so full of

  love

  trust

  positivity

  respect

  magic

  life

  and honor

  for self.

  that you just naturally ward off anything less.

  i am.

  chanting and drilling

  beautiful words

  into my mind.

  into my heart.

  into my soul.

  because

  if i am not telling myself that

  i am

  i’m allowing myself to say

  that i am not.

  speak everything

  you want

  into your life.

  you

  are worth

  everything beautiful you thought you weren’t

  and growing out of all the things

  or people

  that made you feel that way in the first place.

  never forget

  to pick up the pieces

  no matter how old

  or useless they may seem

  they will still create

  a masterpiece.

  - to all the broken hearts

  you

  have to be the light for yourself

  even when nobody else can see it.

  sometimes

  the only thing left to do

  is let go

  and trust

  yourself

  enough to be happy.

  don’t wait another minute

  to do something that makes your soul sing.

  this

  is not only in my words

  but my actions

  this

  is in the way that i speak

  and the way that i address

  e v e r y t h i n g

  this is waking up every day in my purpose

  and

  sharing it

  with you.

  someone’s definition of a disaster will create amazing poetry.

  w r i t e t h r o u g h i t.

  i didn’t always believe myself when i told myself

  i

  love you

  it’s something that i’m no longer ashamed of

  everyone was always telling me how to love

  telling me i’d be incapable of giving

  or

  receiving it

  until i loved myself so deeply it glowed brighter than the moon

  but i am standing here unashamed

  to let you know i’ve had my share of doubt

  i’d look in the mirror and see right through myself

  i cut lines upon my legs so precise

  to the point that i knew exactly where my jeans would stop.

  i wasn’t really trying to go

  i didn’t really want to die.

  i wanted so badly to shake this thing they called “the black dog”

  all the while asking myself

  why everything

  negative

  depressing

  and downright wrong had to be black?

  however

  looking at my reflection . . .

  actually seeing how beautifully brown and black i was

  i didn’t have
to know the face of love to glow

  because i did a damn good job at exuding it.

  i had to tell myself that a dog is one of the most

  loyal

  caring

  forgiving

  loving

  and nurturing animals ever!

  it made me realize why my heart was so big.

  why i would literally go naked just so someone would have clothes

  hungry so that someone else would have food

  and i’d be damned if i didn’t go broke ensuring that someone else didn’t go without help.

  so if that makes me “the black dog” so be it!

  i don’t need anyone to tell me about love.

  because on this journey i discovered

  that life is challenging and scary

  it can get hard, cloudy, and lonely.

  however, i love myself enough to know that i am stronger today

  than i ever was before.

  becoming.

  i believe in every single thing you stand for.

  i believe in your spirit

  i believe in your strength

  i believe in your journey

  and i believe that whatever you put forth the effort to achieve

  you will do!

  i love you on purpose

  and don’t you ever forget that.

  every day

  for the rest of your lives