"And Michael's mom says that if I want to come help at the diner like you used to, she can pay me a few hours a week. Waitressing, mostly."
I'm looking through the corrections on an English composition paper I've mangled on my first attempt, but my sister's words draw me back to our conversation.
"Oh, really? You won't be too busy with band camp?"
My professor's red lines and question marks become blurry, and I blink as I try to focus on them, then give up.
While I can usually multi-task while talking with, or rather, listening to, Sydney, invoking Michael’s mother and the diner has garnered her my undivided attention.
"That's not all summer, and you know it. Don't you want me to work there? You're going to, right? Or did you change your mind?"
Which question to tackle first? Do I want her to be there?
No. Why not?
"It’s just that I think you'll be really busy. I won't, so there's no reason for me not to work, and I'm lucky that Cathy offered me a job."
I turn my stapled packet of sheets of paper over, tired of staring at the black and red blobs to no avail.
"I think it will be fun to work together, even if Cathy says that you'll be working early and I'll be there later. I'm sure we'll have some times when we're there at the same time."
Penny opens the door and walks in, and when I look over I see that she has a hand on her forehead and her eyes closed. I can't imagine what kind of exams she has to deal with. Her organic chemistry notes look like demonic curses.
"Maybe. I just don't want you to over schedule yourself. As the big sister, I get to worry about you."
I watch Penny pull out her notebooks and a couple of books from her backpack. Fortunately, her bigger textbooks are digital, but she still has some study guides and smaller books to lug around.
Sydney, who usually fires back a response right away, hasn't said anything for a few seconds before I realize that she's silent.
"Hey," I prompt, wondering if she's interacting with someone else, which happens every single time we talk on the phone.
"Are you really going to be okay at the diner? I mean, even without working there, you'll see Michael around town. All the time."
It's not like I haven't thought about it, but I've been busy. I've made myself busy.
I swallow and keep my eyes on my roommate, who turns and gives me an exaggerated frown at finding me staring at her.
"Honestly, Sydney, I don't know. But I have to be, don't I?"
In a little over a week I'll be packing up my car and heading back north, to little old Valley Vale and everything I've left behind.
Everyone I've left behind.
Time flies when you don't want to deal with the future.
Suddenly I wonder if Annabelle and Jonah are still in town. Did they go away to college? Sydney said she never saw or heard about Michael and Annabelle dating, so maybe Annabelle did.
And Jonah?
The boy I grabbed in a split second decision at a loud, crowded party, who just happened to be close enough for me to reach out and pull to me as I caught a glimpse of Michael and Annabelle kissing.
And never spoke to again.
It all plays out so horribly in my memory, as if I didn't care about his feelings.
Probably because I was too absorbed in my own.
"Can we drive over to Fallingwater sometime? I know you couldn't do it last summer, but I'd really love to go. Mom and Dad are too busy, and I'm not allowed to drive by myself."
Ouch. She had asked me right before I graduated from high school if I would take her to Pennsylvania to see the Wright house, and I promised her that I would.
Why couldn't I do it last summer? Because I was glued to Michael, and then I wasn't. And Sydney was the one who comforted me at the last.
"Sure. I mean it. We'll definitely go, and maybe we can spend the night somewhere instead of hurrying back."
She squeals like a girl much younger, and I wonder how she could be my sister. She seems so young sometimes, but then, she knows what she wants to do as an adult, as she’s had this intense interest in architecture and has been looking into college programs since middle school.
"Sydney Nicole!"
My mother's voice calls out in the background, and I know this means that Sydney has probably hit the ceiling with her baton again. Our living room ceiling is speckled with dents, small grey circles embedded in the white plaster from the many times she's tossed it in the air a little too hard.
"Uh oh. I better go. Talk to you tomorrow!"
Before I can say a word, we're disconnected, and I imagine the scene at our house. She'll run into the kitchen, where our mom will give her that look, with her head tilted to the side and her eyes wide. She's been yelling at Sydney for years about twirling in the house, but there's never been any punishment, and I don't think either of our parents really care about the ceiling.
If I could go back to Valley Vale and stay home in the house with my parents and my sister all summer, I would have no worries.
But that's not going to happen.
"Any news from the middle of nowhere?"
Penny has taken to referring to my hometown as I do, which I don't mind.
"Not much. I guess my sister is going to be working at Michael's family's diner, too."
She shoves her books around on her desk and sits down, shifting her chair so she's facing me.
"That doesn't sound like not much. I'm tempted to go with you and see how all this drama plays out."
I shake my head, but I can't help but smile. There's no chance of this happening, since she has a job lined up in a nursing home. Not the most exciting times she'll ever have, but it's related to her career field so she's going with it. Something with activities and transportation , at least, so she isn't washing bedpans or emptying Sharps containers.
"I'll miss you, you know."
After the words slip out, I realize how much I mean them. I've lost so much time with Penny, and while we've gotten along, we've only just started to get to know each other well.
Which is my fault.
"You should come visit, if you get time off. You would liven up Valley Vale, that's for sure."
She taps the back of her chair with the palm of her hand, then nods.
"Sure. I might just do that, although I think you're going to be enough to entertain them all."
The rumor mill is already circulating, since Sydney and I will be working at the diner and that is no secret. Every interaction I have with Michael's family is going to be reported, and if, or rather, when, I run into Michael . . .
Not something I need to think about right now, not with exams a few days away.
"I'm going to take a break and pack some stuff. Do you want to get some dinner to go from the cafeteria?"
Penny's suggestion brings me back to the present, where I need to be. My dining credits for the dorm cafeteria are itching to be used, and if we fill up some to go containers we can have enough to keep us snacking through a long study session tonight.
"Good idea."
We take our time choosing our dinner along with some bags of chips and miniature cookies, then once we’re back in our room we pack a few plastic totes full of non-essential items we won't miss until we finish exams. Once we get settled down with study materials, me at my desk and Penny in her bed surrounded by big fluffy pillows in a variety of colors and shapes, I surprise myself by blurting out the question that has been lingering at the forefront of my mind.
"I don't know if all this stuff is worth studying. I mean, I don't know what I want to do. What if college isn't really for me after all, and I've wasted these past few months. Time and money both."
She shifts within her pillow cocoon, pushing her hair away from her face as she stares at me.
"It's not a waste if it helped you figure that out. Yeah, it's a lot of time. And a lot of money. Better to have your existential crisis now rather than in three years when you graduate with a degree you do
n't need or want, right?"
I slide some pages of notes around in front of me, unsure if I want to start with economics or Earth science. If I can get through these exams and get home, maybe talking to Sydney and my parents will help me get some kind of focus and direction to my future.
A future without Michael was never on my radar before last summer, but I can't let that get in the way of creating a new one for myself, even if I have no idea where to start.
"Jenny."
Penny's voice is firm and her usual playfulness is gone, so she has my full attention now.
"People make mistakes. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and just do what you have to do for now."
I am not feeling sorry for myself, but I don't respond. She knows so little about me, even after our recent conversations, and I'm annoyed that she thinks she can judge me like this. After all, I had a boyfriend for years, one I was devoted to, and she can't possibly understand how that kind of relationship works, not when she has men in and out of our room like we have a revolving door.
Instead of responding, I just nod and press my lips together. Arguing with her isn't going to get me anywhere, and we both have studying to do.
Earth science isn't my favorite subject, but right now, I force myself to fall into geologic and atmospheric details that I hope I can keep straight in my head for the exam, refusing to allow my concerns about everything that will come afterwards to creep into my thoughts.
I'm not entirely successful, though, and when Penny turns off the purple desk light she has clipped to the wooden bunk railing, I see that in the midst of recopying my notes, I've written my name over and over just as I used to in middle school.
Not Jenny Collins.
Jenny Lindsay
Chapter Five
"I can't believe you're finally home!"
Sydney squeezes me so hard I can barely laugh in response, her arms stronger and more muscular than I remember. She's growing up so fast, and I instantly regret not coming home longer for winter break. Two days at Christmas was all I spared for her and my parents, and it wasn't nearly enough.
Staying away because everything about Valley Vale reminded me of Michael, because I was afraid of running into him, had kept me from the people I love most.
"My goodness, Sydney, let your sister breathe!"
When our mom tugs me out of Sydney's arms and pulls me into her own, I allow the tears to come, knowing that I can explain them away as homesickness.
Although there's much more to it than that.
"How did you stuff all of this into your car? It's like playing Tetris here."
"Jenga, Dad!"
Sydney corrects our dad, who is already pulling at items from the trunk of my car. The backseat is jam-packed, so much that I couldn't see out of my rearview mirror during the two hour drive home. It's not a method I recommend.
"Wait, I can do all that."
My dad doesn't stop, except for a moment when he allows me to press a quick kiss to his cheek before reaching into the trunk to add another item to our driveway.
"Why don't you take all of this inside? I know your mom is excited for us to all have dinner together, so why don't we make that happen sooner than later?"
Sydney is leaning against our mother, their arms around each other, and I chew on my lower lip. My stomach growls and my dad laughs, shaking his head.
"Get moving, kiddo. Sounds like you're ready for dinner, too."
My sister runs back out to the car and between the two of us, we start carrying in bags and plastic totes as our mom holds the screen door open. We carry everything into my bedroom, and I wonder how I'm going to get this all put away, or if I should bother.
It won't be long before I'll be headed back to college.
The idea makes my stomach churn even more, but I shrug, holding my shoulders up tightly for a few moments to ease some of the tension from the drive and the thoughts that threaten to overwhelm my relief at being home.
I text Penny quickly to let her know I've arrived, since we promised each other we would keep in touch, starting with confirmation that we were home in one piece.
"You better not hassle me about being on my phone, since you're already on yours!"
Sydney grabs me, pulling me into another hug, but now we're alone and she hangs onto me, like she's afraid I'm going to leave her again, right now.
We stand together, our arms around each other, and then in true Sydney fashion, she speaks exactly what is on her mind.
"Do you still love him?"
Her voice is soft, as if she's afraid of hurting me with the words, but she has to ask.
Michael was a part of all our lives, not just mine, for so long. Sydney grew up with Michael around, and I've never thought to ask her if she missed him, too.
"I'm fine. Why don't you fill me in on what's going on for the rest of the school year for you?"
College lets out earlier than high school, so she will still be busy with her own exams and activities for the next couple of weeks. I'm sure I can stay busy helping her, or helping my parents, with any projects they have going on.
"That's not a real answer, but that's okay."
My sister sighs, her body relaxing against me. She's grown taller since Christmas, her shoulders a little broader. All of the twirling and marching she does with the band keeps her in great shape, but she's growing curvier, too, and I wonder how many boys are checking her out now.
"I can help you study. We can make flash cards, too."
Michael and I used to use flash cards to study for everything, even though everyone else used online study guides. I'm not sure where we got the idea or why we stuck to it, but it was something else that we could do together, as if we needed something else to share.
"Emily is really nice. You'll like her, but I know it's complicated."
Emily. The girl Michael intends to marry. I wasn't expecting to be talking about either of them as soon as I got home, but Sydney doesn't waste any time when she has something on her mind.
"That's true. We'll be really busy this summer, though, you and me both, so I won't have time to think about those complications."
I kiss the top of her head before releasing her, and glance around at everything stacked on my bedroom floor. It's navigable, so I can move around it all without actually putting it away.
Although my mom might not be crazy about that plan.
"Smells like Sloppy Joes."
I haven't had them since last summer. We better get some for ourselves before our dad dumps a big glob on his plate, leaving us the greasy, slightly burned bits at the bottom of the pan.
"You knew she would make your favorite on your first day back, right?"
Sloppy Joes is everyone's favorite at our house, but I don't correct her.
I hug her tightly, quick and easy as if I've never been gone, and take her hand. We head into the kitchen, where our parents are waiting at the table. We're too late, since our dad has already shoveled half a plate of meat onto a couple of plain white buns.
Sydney shakes her head and leans into me just enough for me to notice before pulling away to take her own seat, directly across from mine. We've had this arrangement since she was born, our parents at each end of the dark wood table, and us on the sides. This has resulted in food fights that, as our dad has pointed out, have kept him out of the line of fire and both of us in our rooms afterwards as punishment.
"Are you still growing, Jenny? You look taller."
I'm not, but it's not like I keep track. I've lost a little weight, so maybe that makes me look like I've grown a little taller.
"No, I don't think so."
Once we're all stuffing our faces and wiping at our fingers and mouths, the room grows quiet.
"Cathy called."
I almost choke on a mouthful of bread and meat when our mom says this out of the blue. I'm nineteen years old, and perfectly capable of managing my own time and work schedule, so why would Cathy call my mother?
Geez, this
town.
"Yeah?"
There's no point in explaining anything, because I'm sure that Cathy already did. In my enforced solitude at college, I've grown used to no one talking about my business, because they don't know anything about it.
What is happening now is usual for Valley Vale, and I've just become accustomed to a life without interference. This is going to take some getting used to.
"She's so excited that you'll be working with her. I told you you've burned your fair share of Christmas cookies, but she doesn't seem concerned."
Thanks for the helpful reference, Mom, I think, but keep my mouth shut so she can continue.
"If you need to talk about anything, you know that I'm here."
I look up and find all three of them looking at me, as if I might fall apart in an instant. Of course, there's no way anyone in this house is unaware that something terrible happened between Michael and me, but they've never pressured me to explain.
And I've taken that for granted.
Hoping that they won't ask for details now, I smile as broadly as I can, then lick two of my fingers to get my mom's homemade sauce from them.
"Thanks. This was great. The food at school wasn't bad, but nowhere close to as amazing as this is."
I stand and take my plate to the sink before anyone can respond. Sydney starts talking about her unnecessary majorette try out as I run hot water into the sink and add a squirt of dish soap. The grapefruit scent flows up on the steam, and I take a deep breath to clear my thoughts.
I'll go to the diner in the morning, early, and talk to Cathy. I'm sure there are forms for me to fill out for taxes, and we can talk about anything I need to know before I start.
Officially, we've agreed that I'll start after I have two full days at home to get settled, but I can tell that I might need to get started sooner.
Hanging out with my parents and Sydney full-time will only lead to more questions, more offers to listen, and while they all mean well, I need to move forward and not backwards.
I need to figure out what I want to do with my life, now that Michael and I are no more. It's a little late to get started, since we've been apart for months, but better late than never, I think.
When You Were Mine Page 3
