How to Kill Monsters Using Common Household Items

by Jason Offutt

  Shotguns: No matter what monster you’re dealing with, there’s nothing better for short-range combat than a shotgun. A vampire can’t bite you if it doesn’t have a head. Don’t worry about where to store the shotgun. It shouldn’t depend on the extent of the worldwide vampire crisis, because frankly, much like smoke detectors and boxes of Kleenex, you should have a shotgun in every room. If, however, you’re a peacenik (sorry, we won’t be hearing from you after this chapter), or if one shotgun per room in a three bedroom, two bath, and full basement home doesn’t fit into the family financial plans, the one shotgun you own had better be strapped to your back when you sleep, shit, shower, or fix a sandwich.

  Precious metals: Vampires have some kind of allergic reaction to precious metals, so if you can afford gold, wear gold. Dudes with Grillz have no problem fighting off a vampire attack, yo.

  Garlic: Placing strings of fresh garlic bulbs over every entryway to your house is an effective deterrent to vampire invasion. And, just to be on the safe side, eat Italian at least once a day. If a vampire successfully breaks into your home, your breath should keep it at bay long enough to grab something heavy from the garage.

  Holy items: Rent the Stephen King movie Carrie. See what it looks like in her crazy mom’s house? Crosses, candles, Virgin Mary statues? If you want to live through a vampire apocalypse, your house should look like that.

  Things You Should Have in the Kitchen

  Butcher knives: Relatively small and lightweight, these handy hacking and stabbing tools are sitting on the counter in almost every kitchen. While running for your life, reach out and grab a wood-handled blade capable of hacking through a rump roast. Such a knife is an effective tool to remove the dangerous parts of a vampire’s body before he can eat you. Watching the vampire writhe on the floor afterward is just a bonus.

  Skewers and broken wooden utensils: Okay, so the skewers are easy to understand: long, sharp, pointed, and ready to hammer into the chest of a bloody mad demon. The broken wooden utensils are for people with annoyed spouses. Tell your partner you don’t throw anything away for a reason: vampires.

  Hard liquor and matches: God, I hate to not drink booze unless I’m using it to burn the undead. Having a well-stocked kitchen not only means keeping milk and eggs; it means keeping vodka and whiskey. Couple the booze with flaming rags, a nice arm, and satisfactory homeowner’s insurance, and all you have to do is toss, release, and watch that Lost Boy go up like dry tinder. If your insurance asks why the body cooked in your house has a mouth like an Alaskan Husky, utter just two words: undocumented worker.

  Boiling the vampire’s head in vinegar: I don’t know how or why the people of Crete came by this method of destruction, but if killing a vampire makes my kitchen smell like Easter eggs, I’m all for it. If your anyone complains, tell them it’s for Jesus.

  Things You Should Have in the Bathroom

  Drano: If this shit will eat through wads of hair and fingernail clippings in your drain, it will eat through a vampire’s face like holy water. But, unlike holy water, you’re not supposed to breathe in Drano fumes, so after applying Drano to a vampire, give the room fifteen minutes to air out.

  Aerosol products: Although a spray can of Secret might not be able to kill a vampire, the secret is it will blind the hell out of him, which gives you the chance to grab a lighter.

  Aerosol products and a lighter: If you’ve never incinerated an insect with a can of Aqua Net and a Bic lighter, you’re probably mentally stable. That won’t last long. Deodorant and fire equal mini blowtorch. If a vampire chases you into a bathroom, and you actually used Drano to unclog the sink (dumb ass), you might be able to melt its face with Aqua Net. But a vampire with a melted face will still be able to kill you, and that’s why you need …

  Toilet lid: “Why is a toilet lid so heavy?” you ask every time you have to jiggle the flapper. Long ago, the folks at American Standard experienced a brutal vampire invasion at the factory. The only employees to survive were in the shitter.

  Things You Should Have in the Living Room

  TV: Vampires used to be human, and as humans, we’re all distracted by television. For your own safety, keep something interesting to vampires in the DVD player, such as the 1960s paranormal soap opera Dark Shadows, any of the Underworld movies, that episode of Sesame Street where The Count went ape shit crazy on Mr. Snuffleupagus, or anything on the History Channel about World War II. Then, while the vampire is caught up in the action, you can hit it in the head with an ax.

  Axes: These items are not only deadly, they’re relatively cheap and easy to store. An ax fits easily in the garage, in closets, in the trunk of your car, and on the living room wall (if you’re into the whole Viking motif). Suggestion: Adopt the whole Viking motif.

  Sunlight: Although vampires spend their time hanging out by Dumpsters in dimly lit alleys near take-out pizza restaurants waiting for an easy meal, you can’t count on the sun to kill a vampire. Not all vampires burst into flames in direct sunlight, although it’s pretty fun to watch when they do.

  Things You Should Have in the Garage

  Chainsaws: If a vampire attacks you in the garage, nothing beats these death-dealing, carbon monoxide-belching monsters for the cutting power needed to slice through the neck of a hungry, blood-sucking corpse. Don’t worry about getting splattered with blood. If you’re close enough to fight a vampire hand-to-hand, that blood’s probably from someone you know.

  Nail Gun: Although driving nails into various parts of a vampire’s body will kill it, the problem is getting the vampire to hold still while you whack it with a hammer. The answer? A fifteen-gauge finish nail gun. You can inject multiple nails in the vampire’s cranium, chest, or pelvic area in a fraction of the time it would take to do so manually. Keep a spare in the living room next to the La-Z-Boy.

  Behavior of the Vampire While You’re Trying to Kill It

  Problem Four: Vampires are bigger assholes than werewolves (see Chapter Two). Although technically dead, a vampire doesn’t really like to be killed, so while you’re trying to kill it, it will try to kill you back. Since firing up a chainsaw or loading a nail gun takes time, it’s good to distract the vampire while you’re preparing to destroy it. The best distraction is searing pain. Burning the vampire with a crucifix, shouting Bible passages, or blasting a shotgun to the vampire’s face are effective deterrents to an immediate attack.

  Disposing of the Body

  After killing a vampire, what do you do with the corpse? Sure, you can just leave it where it dropped (if you killed it correctly, it dropped in various pieces), but if the vampire has invaded your home, leaving it may cause more problems than stuffing it in a Hefty bag, dragging it outside, and dumping it in your neighbor’s yard. The authorities don’t like dead bodies, even if the dead body belongs to a vampire.

  Fortunately, getting rid of a vampire’s body is easier than killing it:

  1) Since vampires are already dead, they decay quickly, so a shallow grave will do nicely. If, however, you didn’t kill the vampire dead enough, you should follow these vampire disposal methods from across the globe. Don’t worry about adhering to just one; do everything—overkill is the American way. Stick a coin in its mouth (preferably a penny. You seriously want to blow a quarter on one of these fuckers?). Put nails in its forehead and navel. Salt the ground. Drive a stake through its heart. Decapitate it with an ax. Bury it at a crossroads. Douse it with boiling oil (canola oil works particularly well and is lower in saturated fats than most oils). Bury it face down. Chain the body to a grave covered in wild roses, and poppy seeds (poppy seed muffins from your local grocery store bakery will suffice). And if you’re feeling frisky, piss on it.

  2) Fire is good if you’ve dealt with a vampire who had yet to feed. A well-fed vampire is a bit too moist and won’t catch fire easily. Gasoline, however, fixes a lot of problems.

  3) The good old Mafia method of dumping the body is a terrific option if no one sees you do it. Dumpsters are good spots, as are ravines,
lakes, abandoned wells, caves, or a steamer trunk in the attic of some place you’re just going to move out of, and stiff your roommates on two months’ back rent anyway.

  If a vampire bites you, you will soon turn into one yourself. Don’t worry. See that guy on the street corner? The one in the trench coat and bandoliers? That’s me. Come over and say, “Hi.” (Bad Ass Factor 10 out of 10).

  Detective Aberline: I don’t suppose we have any silver bullets?

  --The Wolfman, 2010

  Chapter 2: Werewolves

  They walk in daylight, milling amongst the two-legged sheep. But by night, when the full moon rises above the trees, this evil sheds its clothing, and emerges as beasts. At war with man, they live to kill those with torches, and silver bullets—the wolf hunters. Yeah, that’s a pretty picture; too bad it’ll get either you, or a frighteningly hairy German tourist, killed. Werewolves don’t just fit the Hollywood stereotype. They are not confined by cultures, continents, centuries, or what happens in the movies—they are so much more.

  People have reported encounters with these vicious, human-canine creatures across the world. They’re everywhere, like Justin Bieber (Bad Ass Factor somewhere between Davey Jones of the Monkees and frozen yogurt); and like Justin Bieber, they will quickly destroy your will to live. In European cultures from Germany, to Norway, to Hungary, werewolves are considered servants of the Devil and, because of this relatively negative stereotype, they can never hail a taxi. Werewolves across Europe are reported to take no mercy, slaughtering everything they encounter. You think the story “Little Red Riding Hood” is just a folk tale. No way. In American Indian cultures, werewolves are wicked shamans who don the hide of a wolf, and spend their now-subhuman lives preying upon mankind. In Portugal, the lobis-homem, sadden by their curse, howl a lot, and probably cry every time they see Titanic. And in Mexico, werewolves known as nahual steal cheese, and have sex with other men’s wives. Okay, so because the nahual don’t actually kill anyone, they might count more as a “bad neighbor” than “evil shape-changing demon from Hell,” but this reality may be harder to deal with.

  Jorge (at hospital with his wife): This scandalous child is not mine. It is Alejandro’s. I’ve seen the way you admire his chest hair, and cheese.

  Maria (holding her baby): This is not Alejandro’s child. I was ravaged by a nahual. He smelled of Muenster.

  Jorge: Alejandro likes Muenster.

  Maria: The nahual stole Alejandro’s cheese before it ravaged me.

  Doctor: Are vestigial tails common in either of your families?

  Maria: (Whew.)

  From Japan to Peru to Russia, werewolves are with us as they’ve always been—skulking, sniffing, and murdering us for fun and sport, and sometimes just because they’re really hungry. Now it’s our turn. Problem One: Just like Israelis and Palestinians, and Texans and Oklahomans, man and werewolf cannot live together in harmony. Oh sure, the werewolf might play along for a while, have you and your family over for a barbecue, loan you his pruning shears, and help clean your garage, but one day you’ll reach out to shake his hairy paw, and discover you’re missing your arm up to the elbow. Werewolves are nasty that way. Don’t give him the chance. Click, boom.

  How to Identify a Werewolf

  A werewolf is a creature that is sometimes human, sometimes wolf, and meaner than a badger crossed with Mr. Potter from It’s a Wonderful Life. According to tradition, werewolves are humans who have either been bitten by a werewolf, eaten roast wolf, drank water out of a wolf's footprint, put on a shirt made of wolf skin, rolled around naked in the dirt under a full moon, or married Billy Bob Thornton. But how hard is it to spot a werewolf?

  Monster Spotting Quiz No. 1. Werewolves are:

  a) Handsome, muscular guys with a strange primeval charm that teenagers, and depraved young mothers fawn over.

  b) Victims of an ancient curse.

  c) Vampires with bad grooming habits.

  d) Slim Pickens at the end of the movie.

  e) If it’s seen you, you’re already dead.

  The answer is, of course, f) all of the above. In the realm of paranormal beasts, werewolves of ancient lore are not just Johnny Depp with better facial hair. They’re the Warner Bros. Tasmanian Devil (Bad Ass Factor 6 out of 10. Just from sheer ferociousness, the Tasmanian Devil should rank higher, but he can be fooled by Bugs Bunny in a dress, which should never happen, no matter how alluring Bugs Bunny in a dress may be)—hairy, quick, and muscular, will eat anything, and are easily fooled by rabbits in drag (see, I told you). Traditionally, these shape-shifting monsters are as big and as fast as a Toyota Camry, have the jaw-crushing power of a Pleistocene hyena, and have the same taste for human flesh as Jeffrey Dahmer. They will chase you, rend your limbs, eviscerate you, and chew on all the shoes in your closet. I cannot stress this enough—werewolves do not make good house pets. They are also far from charming, yet obsessed Twilight fans in faded “Team Jacob” T-shirts want to have sex with these beasts.

  Problem Two: Having sex with a werewolf is a lot like having sex with a food processor. Unless you’re really into hospital stays and have good insurance, it’s probably best to claim you have a headache.

  Identifying one in human form gets tricky because werewolves can be as indistinguishable from you and me as you and me. Do not kill a werewolf in human form. I repeat, do not kill a werewolf in human form, even if they’re asking for it. Werewolves in human form may only be Zach Galifianakis, and you’ll be in a hell of a lot of trouble if you kill Zach Galifianakis.

  Cop: What did you do?

  You (holding a bloody ax): I just killed a werewolf.

  Cop (pulling his handgun): That’s not a werewolf; that’s Alan from The Hangover. Put down the ax and step away from the body.

  You (looking closer): No, I’m pretty sure that’s a werewolf.

  Cop: He’s wearing a man purse.

  You: It’s not a purse; it’s called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.

  Cop: You’re under arrest.

  Picking a werewolf out of a pack of wolves, however, is much easier. As much as werewolves in human form look human, werewolves in wolf form retain human eyes, and can speak easily enough to order a McDonald’s hamburger. So if a really big Malamute says, “Hi. My name’s Jerry. I’m going to rip out your throat, and I’d like large fries with that,” you’re probably already dead.

  Werewolf Powers

  Simply put, werewolves are more dangerous than The Batman. Werewolves retain their human intelligence, and speaking ability when they change into a wolf, which means they can crush your skull then use your cell phone and credit card to order a massage. Jerks. They show no remorse, no pity, and when asked to do so, won’t not kill you. They can run as fast as your car—unless it’s an American-made muscle car, then watch my middle finger as I scream by you, Teen Wolf. Oh, I’m not waving. They can also snap a cow’s neck just by looking at it funny, and take a pounding like Rocky. If werewolves are close to anything purely human, it’s me.

  How to Avoid Werewolves

  Bob Curran, British broadcaster, writer, teacher, and author of Werewolves: A Field Guide to Shapeshifters, Lycanthropes, and Man-Beasts, offered How to Kill Monsters Using Common Household Items the following three methods on how to protect yourself from werewolves:

  1. “Firstly, no one should venture into areas in which supernatural creatures are prevalent without a photo of either Bela Lugosi or Lon Chaney, Jr., both with and without make-up, about their person,” Curran said, because if confronted by a monster, it’s best to have a positive ID before you kill it. Werewolves have the speed and maneuverability of a fighter jet. Checking them against a picture is not only not advisable, in most cases it’s not possible. “You may be eaten before actual verification may occur,” Curran said, suggesting throwing a squeaky toy at the monster. “If it plays with it, it may well be a domesticated dog. If not, I would think you’re finished.”

  2. If you must go outside even though the Werewolf Terror Warning L
evel is at Wet Your Pants, the best way to avoid a werewolf is be as offensive as possible. “Like most other canines, the werewolf has a highly developed sense of smell,” Curran said. “[It] will of course be repelled by the reek of revolting perfumery and will give you a wide berth. Note: The application and wearing of such repellent perfumery will probably drive away much more than the werewolves.”

  A good way to drive off a potential werewolf attack, Curran said, is to attack it first with a spray can of silver polish. “Legend states that werewolves may be averse to silver, although whether actual silver or the color has always been a hot topic of folkloric debate,” he said. “Ordinary silver spray will cause the werewolf to die of mortification at being seen out sprayed in silver, especially amongst the more fashionable of its kind. Failing that, one could try toilet cleaner, since no one wants to go about smelling of toilet cleaner—not even a werewolf.”

  Werewolf Weaknesses

  They can be killed. That’s their weakness (Bad Ass Factor 9 out of 10). Although a werewolf is a past-/quasi-current person, a werewolf weakness in human form does not mean it will be a weakness in wolf form. If the human has a drinking problem, don’t expect this salivating, furry behemoth to squat and lick itself if you offer it a beer. Yes, if the human werewolf is a bit of a skirt-chaser, the werewolf may favor eating a Hooters waitress over a transient with syphilis, but you can’t count on it. Werewolves are distracted by silver, holy symbols, and animal rights activists who just make werewolves hungry.

  Who’s Going to Help You

  Two words: Ted Nugent. Sweaty Teddy has never let me down.