How to Kill Monsters Using Common Household Items

by Jason Offutt

  Your car: Running over something as big as a dinosaur isn’t really an option; however, running from one is. If you can get to your car and coax the beast to follow you, just drive until you wear it out. Then, while it’s lying on the highway panting, throw gasoline over it and set it on fire.

  Behavior of the Dinosaur While You’re Trying to Kill It

  It won’t be happy. Any animal that goes from happy-go-lucky flesh-ripping predator one minute to injured prey the next will be seriously pissed off. I can’t stress this enough—it doesn’t matter how injured the T-Rex is, it won’t stop trying to eat you. If it’s missing an eye, a leg, a lung, and both arms, that just means it wants to eat you more. Once you injure a dinosaur, finish it off. Even after you kill a dinosaur, it’s still dangerous. Ever killed a snake? No? Pussy. Those readers who have killed a snake can testify that 1) the reptile will thrash around, snapping air until its nervous system finally realizes its dead, and 2) it’s nice to know we’re tougher than you. Dying dinosaurs act just like that snake, although instead of latching listlessly onto your pants leg, it will rip off your pants, and probably your leg.

  Disposing of the Body

  There are three methods of disposing of a dinosaur body.

  1) Fire. If you killed the dinosaur far enough away from the house, toss on some old tires filled with diesel fuel and set fire to it. But don’t wait too long to burn the body or your yard will be full of raccoons or, worse yet, hungry homeless.

  2) If you killed the dinosaur inside the house, call Merry Maids and check into a hotel. They’ll need a couple of days.

  3) Didn’t you ever watch The Flintstones? Eat the damned thing.

  Newscaster Jeremy Thompson: The assailants can be stopped by removing the head or destroying the brain.

  --Shaun of the Dead, 2004

  Chapter 9: Zombies

  Zombies, the shambling trailer trash of the walking undead. It’s entertaining to watch them shamble, even when they’re shambling toward you. Since most zombies travel at the same speed as, say, a glacier, you can sit on your front steps and have a cigarette as the zombie approaches from across the street. You’ll have time to finish as you listen to its feet scrape across the pavement, arms dangling, head cocked like a really confused dog. Then you kill it, right? Not so fast.

  Problem One: Unfortunately, there are people, real living people, who often shamble, wail incomprehensively, and generally look really wasted—drunks, hobos, politicians, and college students. How do you tell the difference between some hung-over Alpha Chi named Biff and a Biff who’s a mindless, walking corpse? You really can’t, so hit him in the head with a shovel just in case. Who the heck’s named “Biff” anyway?

  Zombies shuffled into our modern popular culture with George A. Romero’s 1968 movie Night of the Living Dead, which set the blueprint for every zombie movie ever after. Zombie Movie Blueprint: outbreak, what the hell’s going on? running, screaming, gnashing teeth, yummy flesh, the sky nearly-literally raining crap, movie’s nearly over but the world’s still screwed, the end. According to Hollywood, the hungry walking undead are usually created by a zombie virus outbreak that starts at a military facility/scientific facility/NASA facility/malt shop and spreads geometrically until the United States is one great empty zombie-filled land dotted with straggling humans fighting for survival. That sucks.

  Problem Two: The trouble with the Hollywood zombie is that Hollywood actually got things right for a change. When we encounter a zombie, our mind-numbed-by-pop-culture response is, “Heyuk. Ethel, that there feller looks like a zombie. Oooh, watch out, Ethel. He wants your brain. Har, har, har.” Moron. Zombies aren’t just movie monsters. Zombies are real, formerly flesh and blood (currently putrid meat) monsters that’s aim is one thing—to eat you. They don’t have a taste for your dog, your cat, or canned salmon, which shows they have some taste because canned salmon is disgusting. These cannibals are only interested in human flesh, which will eventually be their downfall, especially if you consider the scenario where the zombies kill every last human, then what do they have to snack on? The French (Bad Ass Factor Crepes)? Give me a break.

  If you’ve made it to this chapter, we’re under zombie jihad, my friends. It’s not going to get any better until our military stops worrying about civilian casualties, or science finds something zombies like to eat better than people. Maybe if the government would loosen restrictions on stem cell research and cloning, we could open free-range clone farms and just ring the dinner bell. Better make the clones out of Steven Seagal and Kirstie Alley; there’s a lot of meat on those clones.

  Like many monsters, if you don’t kill zombies, they’ll kill you. The problem with zombies is they don’t even realize they want to kill you; they’re just hungry. The contents of their skulls have been turned from finely tuned biological computers capable of opening jars or solving calculus problems into custard. And no one likes brain-flavored custard. So we either feed the zombies clones or massacre them with our superior firepower.

  How to Identify the Undead

  Problem Three: People don’t read newspapers anymore. Zombies now account for one-third of our workforce as Internet company executives, advertising strategists, government statisticians, and telemarketers.

  Zombie telemarketer: Uuuuhhhm.

  Bob Smith: Yes, I’m Bob Smith (through a mouthful of pastrami). Whatdya want?

  Zombie telemarketer: Uuuuhhhm.

  Bob Smith: Yeah, I had a nice day. Why thank you, my fleshy thigh is pretty succulent. And, no, I don’t want to switch to Geiko. (Hangs up) Stupid zombies.

  With zombies taking so many jobs from hard-working, living Americans who normally would have the upper hand during the interview process, it’s easy to come to the next logical step: zombies are a government conspiracy. Evidence shows the United States government—the same government that keeps Tesla technology and the secret space program quiet—is slowly populating our country with zombies.

  Problem Four: There are two types of zombies: 1) the walking dead, 2) the voodoo-made walking mostly-dead but not nearly enough dead to actually be dead but, man, they sure look dead. You know, like Dick Cheney. The walking dead zombie can be a vengeful ghost inhabiting the body of a recently dead corpse, a scientifically reanimated corpse, or something scary from outer space. The walking nearly dead zombie created by voodoo is usually harmless and is used as a slave by witch doctors. Even though technically dead to his family and loved ones, don’t kill the voodoo zombie. Seriously. Have you ever angered a witch doctor? It’s not pretty. Killing the revenge-happy corpse zombie, the scientifically created zombie, or the something scary from outer space zombie is not only acceptable; it’s your duty. The ghost won’t care; the space monster had it coming, and the science zombie? Who are you going to upset by killing it? Nerds? What are they going to do, tell on you? After killing their zombie, shove the nerd in a locker and take their lunch money.

  Zombie Powers

  Zombies are dead—well they’re kind of dead—and they’re walking around. Okay, after we’ve learned how to kill other undead walking monsters like vampires and reanimated corpses, walking might not sound like a “wow” power. But unlike vampires and reanimated corpses, zombies not only won’t stop chasing the living with the purpose of eating them, they can’t stop. A zombie has a killer robot’s resolve when it comes to chasing its target—you. Then, when it catches you, it will either eat you or, if you’re quick on your feet, simply wing you. If you get winged by a zombie, you might as well shoot yourself in the head, because the infection spreads through zombie bites, and it’s now given you the zombie virus, which is worse than hepatitis. I mean, you don’t eat other people when you have hepatitis, right? You’re in it deep now, pal.

  But zombies have other powers. Zombies never sleep, they don’t get tired, feel remorse, feel pain, they don’t need to breathe, bathe, they can’t be poisoned, electrocuted, drown, or frozen to death. You can shoot one in the chest with a shotgun, and it will look like it�
��s dancing to hip-hop until it regains its balance, then it’s after you again. And it can eat pounds of human flesh without pushing itself away from the table. Zombies are like Superman if he was really, really high on ’shrooms.

  Zombie Weaknesses

  Zombies have four major weaknesses:

  1) Their heads. Zombies have diminished motor skills so they can’t move out of the way when you shoot them in the skull. As with all living creatures except reptiles—reptiles are freaky—you kill the brain and you kill the body. Zombies are once-living creatures, so their motion-center didn’t move from their head to their butt. Crush that thing and you stop the attack. Yes, the head’s harder to hit than the chest, but you really have to hack away for a while to cut through a chest.

  2) Their lack of speed. If zombies were alive, they’d use a walker. Anyone with any kind of mobility can evade a single zombie attack.

  3) They’re stupid. Once the heart stops beating, the blood stops flowing, and the brain stops working, The Three Stooges could successfully outwit a zombie.

  4) As a last weakness, zombies are also really addicted to Snickers. Okay, so I made that up. I just assumed everyone was.

  How to Avoid Zombies

  Although many people would simply lock themselves inside their apartment, and board up the windows, this eventually leads to starvation, dehydration, boredom, and you being eaten by a zombie. If society breaks down, the electricity, water, sewer, and Dominos Pizza break down, too. If you’re sitting in a sweltering apartment in New York when this happens, you’re going to have to go outside sometime. Since zombies were once people, how many zombies are shambling around your building?

  The best way to avoid zombies is, when an outbreak occurs, get away from people. Go to South Dakota. The entire state of South Dakota will be zombie-free, because who in the hell wants to go to South Dakota? No one, not even zombies. Go to Wyoming, Idaho, Utah, North Dakota, or any other state with a population of “why do I live here?” and you’ll be as safe from zombies as an Antarctic penguin researcher is from polar bears. And for those of you who don’t understand that last bit, it doesn’t matter. None of this matters. Disregard everything you’ve read so far and walk out to the zombies. They need a hug. Moron.

  Another way to avoid zombies is to be in good shape.

  Who’s Going to Help You

  That Shaun guy from Shaun of the Dead (Bad Ass Factor 6 out of 10) and Alice from Resident Evil (Bad Ass Factor 9 out of 10). Who doesn’t want to party with those guys?

  Your Arsenal and Where to Keep It

  When the zombie apocalypse occurs, chances are you’ll be somewhere zombies aren’t. Your home, work, rush-hour traffic, strip joint, the list is endless. A zombie outbreak will most likely occur in a hospital, top secret military facility, or aboard the international space station (stupid space aliens and their stupid space alien zombie viruses) and spread slowly across the country, later the world. It’s your duty to keep personal spaces well armed, even your workplace where you can’t carry a gun or say “boobies” without having HR all over you.

  Things You Should Have in Your Workplace

  Depending on your workplace, it should be relatively easy to arm your area without attracting too much attention. Simply place a weapon, like a machete, hammer, power tool, or handgun in your briefcase and show up a half-hour early. Who shows up early to work? If somebody’s already there, wait until they go for coffee to move any weapon to your desk.

  Machete: This bladed weapon is thin, strong, and handy for lopping the head off a ravenous zombie or for spreading butter on toast. Make sure you do this in the correct order. But since you can’t let anyone at the office know you have a machete just feet from their jugular, you can’t eat toast at work. Keep the weapon hidden by using masking tape to secure it to the bottom of a desk drawer.

  Hammer: Since the hammer is often viewed as a tool to hang pictures instead of what it is, a skull-crusher, it’s okay to keep one in your drawer. Heck, be brazen and leave it on top of your desk. Buy some walnuts and make it look to your coworkers like you’re doing something manly.

  Power tool: The power tool is an effective zombie killer, but it’s the hardest to keep in your desk without it being noticed, mainly because you have to keep power running to it at all times or what’s the point? When a zombie lumbers in, it’s not going to stop and wait for you to plug in your circular saw. If you choose to go the power tool route, make sure you bring plenty of extension chords. It’s a bit embarrassing to charge a zombie and you run out of juice. I say “a bit” embarrassing because you’ll probably be dead before real embarrassment takes hold.

  Handgun: Although these are effective weapons against zombies, HR frowns upon them. With creative welding, you could disguise one as a lamp, but you’d be best served hiding it on your person. You never know when a zombie will attack you on the toilet.

  Office supplies: Post-It Notes, ink pens, and Scotch tape are relatively useless when combating a zombie. Staplers, electric pencil sharpeners, telephones, and computer monitors are not. Don’t be cute with a zombie. Zombies are not cute. Bash its head in.

  Things You Should Have in Your Car

  When you’re in the car, your most valuable weapon against zombie attack is the car itself. Car vs. zombie equals undead road kill. Even if you don’t kill a zombie, by backing up a couple of times, you’ll render it immobile. Don’t worry. Raccoons will take care of the rest. Even if you haven’t prepared your car for zombie combat, simple automotive tools and supplies can help fend off an attack.

  Tire tools: Let’s face it, tires, jacks, and tire tools in modern cars are completely ineffective in doing what they are presumably designed to do, which is change a tire. They are, however, completely effective in three areas: smashing your hand, saying “damn it,” and killing zombies. If, for some reason, you have to exit your car and a zombie is approaching, simply open the trunk, remove the useless jack (unless it’s covered in boxes of magazines and softball equipment, then grab a bat) and aim for the forehead.

  Gasoline and road flares: If you find yourself outside the car during a zombie attack trying to change a tire, surround yourself with gasoline, wait for the zombies to step into the gasoline, then drop a road flare. Sure, you’ll probably have to torch your car in order to get away, but sue Toyota during the zombie apocalypse recovery for not providing a jack that works.

  Things You Should Have in Your House

  The Three Stooges were masters at finding weapons from whatever was at their fingertips: lead pipes, blocks of ice, frying pans, bricks. And where did most of The Three Stooges shorts take place? Somebody’s house. Today’s assignment? Watch some Stooges and learn how to live to see tomorrow.

  Blunt objects: Everyone’s house—unless they’re first-time-parent insane baby proofers or Californians—is full of blunt, striking objects. Chairs, frozen hams, sports equipment, cooking equipment, tools, television sets, decorative stuff your wife bought but you hate; these are all just lying around waiting for a zombie to wander into your house to have its noggin’ whacked. If you want to get cute, soak a plush Garfield in the bathtub, then stick it in the freezer. Crushing a zombie’s skull with that fat cat will be much more funny than the comic strip.

  Decapitating weapons: Since zombies are so slow, cutting weapons you wouldn’t use against something like a werewolf are now dangerous tools—like a pruning saw and corrugated tin. However, the best home defense is, and will always be, the chainsaw. Yes, killing a zombie with a chainsaw is now Hollywood cliché, but think about it. It’s a chainsaw. The zombie doesn’t stand a chance.

  Guns: Much like the chainsaw being a Hollywood cliché, a shotgun is also a Hollywood cliché. But it’s a cliché for a reason—it works. The spray pattern of a pump-action Remington 870 will take a zombie’s head clean off. Of course, to be an effective zombie killer, you need target practice.

  Behavior of the Zombie While You’re Trying to Kill It

  Like a lot of the undead, zombi
es are pretty stupid. They see one thing, and that’s all they want—your upper arm, your flabby gut, your calf and, if they’re not totally zombified, that really sweet Darth Vader voice simulator. However, unlike a spouse who can be talked down from her/his jewelry/fishing trip fantasies, the zombie can’t be talked down from its desire because it has the thought processes of a Rubbermaid container full of week-old ravioli. Even if you’ve shot off its arms, removed its legs with a chainsaw, and riddled its torso with .38-gauge hollow points, if its brain and jaw muscles are still intact, it’s going to try to eat you. Watch your step.

  Disposing of the Body

  Much like a vampire, since the body is already decomposing, disposal should be easy. Dump the zombie body in a ditch, and in a couple of days, bacteria and the neighborhood dogs will dispose of it. However, depending on the nosy old ladies in your neighborhood walking around in their jogging suits poking their nose into everyone else’s business, a couple of days might be too long. To hell with them. Dump the zombie body in one of the nosy old lady’s yards and start the gossip chain yourself. Never—ever—bury the body of any paranormal creature in your backyard. Lawyers are always getting legal rights for everything. You don’t want to be the “your name here” of Zombies v. (your name here). Bury zombies in the woods, or on the golf course. If you bury it on the golf course, you can sit in a lawn chair on the ninth hole, drinking beer and laughing while lawyers wonder why their ball went wide. Yeah, Chas, it’s because you’re putting over a corpse.