This Is Me...

by Sarah Ann Walker

  “Thank you Dr. MacDonald. You're very nice to talk to.”

  Smiling, he says, “You used to always tell me that, you know? Actually, you told me frequently how much you loved me and our friendship, and I find I miss you terribly.”

  Looking at Dr. MacDonald, he seems so sad that I again feel overwhelmed with sadness. I feel bad that I don't remember him, but I DON'T remember him. God, I feel terrible for making him look like that.

  Whispering, “I'm so sorry I don't remember you...”

  “Suzanne, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you, or to put any undue stress upon you. I just miss you, but I'll refrain from sharing like that again. We always spoke so freely with each other that it’s hard for me to hold back now. That was a mistake on my part, or as you used to say a 'Doctorly mistake', and I won't make it again.”

  “It's okay. I just hate seeing people look sad; it kind of bothers me and makes me sad too. I'm sure I'll remember you though, I promise.”

  “I'm going to leave you to rest for a while, but I'll come back soon to talk with you.”

  When I nod, he rises from his chair, and gently touches my leg as his goodbye. Smiling, he leaves me alone.

  Wow. That was intense. But I get it. I know him; I just don't know know him. That would be upsetting to anyone- to know that you're known but to be unknown. Anyone would feel sad by that. I know I would.

  When I wake up again, I'm going to try really, really hard to remember him. Dr. MacDonald seems like someone I should remember, so I'm going to try hard, so he doesn't look like that ever again. Maybe when I remember him, everything else will make more sense to me.

  CHAPTER 12

  MAY 16

  I don't even know how many days I've been awake, but I keep feeling this weird sense of déjà vu mixed with a total confusion about who I am and what I'm supposed to be. From what I'm told this is a very normal confusion, but it’s still so mentally exhausting for me.

  I wish I knew the reality everyone keeps telling me about. I wish I understood what everyone is telling me about myself, but I don’t. Usually, I'm just constantly confused and totally overwhelmed. I really wish I understood my life as it has been repeatedly explained to me.

  It doesn't help that the people I actually DO remember, Marcus and my parents are nowhere to be found. I mean honestly, your wife and daughter wakes from a coma and you don't even visit her. Why wouldn't they visit? If ever I had questioned my importance to them before, I'm fairly sure I have my answer now.

  *****

  Trying to turn my heavy body which still doesn't obey me very well, I see a man beside me. Staring at his smiling face, I'm shocked. Well, hello there handsome... Ha! What the hell?

  This guy is so attractive; actually he's kind of beautiful for a man. Oh god, I feel like I'm going to start laughing. Shit. No. No. No. Argh... This giggle is gonna burst out any second now... Shit. I can’t help but just silently stare at him while fighting this strange fit of laughter inside me.

  Still smiling at me he whispers, “Hi, Suzanne. Remember me?” Ugh... Here we go again. Again.

  “No, I'm sorry.” And there's the look.

  “It's okay. Just think hard, and I'm sure you'll remember me.” Yeah, I'd like to stare at this guy all friggin’ day. Holy Hot Pants, Batman! Giggle.

  “I'm sorry, I don't remember you. Are we friends?”

  Grinning, he winks at me. “Yes, we're friends, and lovers, and actually kind of engaged, unless you’ve change your mind, of course. I'm Z, and you are my Suzanne.”

  Stunned, I have no words. Looking at this man, I'm sure he's teasing me. He must be a doctor or a Shrink. He has to be. Actually, he looks like that tall, smooth, deep-voiced doctor type from all soap operas. There is NO WAY I know this guy... Marcus wouldn't allow me.

  “My fiancé, huh? I'm sure. When is the wedding? Oh, and is Marcus- my husband- invited?” Giggle.

  “Look hard, Suzanne. Please, just try to think back. I know you'll remember me. I am very much in love with you, and you with me. We were together in New York before your accident. You were with me in New York, not Marcus. You aren't with Marcus anymore.” What?! “You left Marcus and you came to me in New York. You are mine now.”

  “Z...”

  Looking, I'm startled to see Dr. MacDonald in the corner. I didn't even realize he was here, too. What the hell is going on?

  “Suzanne, can you try hard to remember me. Just stare at me, love. Maybe if you just stare at me, all your memories will come back to you. You love me very much, I promise.”

  “Really? Well, I find that hard to believe seeing as I'm married. And I'm not the cheating type. And I'm not someone who loves other men. I love my husband.”

  “Actually, you don't love him- not like that anymore.”

  “Suzanne, Z is telling you the truth. You had left Marcus before your accident, and you came to New York to stay with your friend Kayla, and then you went to be with Z.”

  Something about this whole thing seems so wrong. I can't explain it, but I'm getting kind of angry now. It's like I'm covered in their lies and I'm not sure why they want to do this to me. I'm not sure why they want me to believe these lies.

  “This isn't fair,” I whisper. “I don't remember anything, but you're both trying to tell me lies, and you're trying to make me believe in lies. Why are you doing this? And no offense Z, but you are way out of my league and not someone I would ever know, never mind someone I would love. So could you please just leave me alone now?”

  “Suzanne, trust me. I'm not lying to you, and neither is Z.”

  “Okay, I'm really tired now, so would you mind leaving me alone?”

  “Suzanne, please...”

  Taking my hand suddenly, Z bends his head against me and kisses my hand while keeping his face hidden against my bed. What the hell? And what the hell kind of name is Z, anyway?

  Oh my god, this is so weird. I'm mean, come on! As if I would be with this guy. As if I would leave Marcus- I'm not allowed. My parents would have been pissed at me and Marcus would have found me and taken me back anyway, so what would be the point?

  None of this makes sense, and yet I had believed Dr. MacDonald about everything else before. I had believed him, and now I don't feel like I can trust him at all.

  Pulling my hand away, Z lifts his head. Oh my god… His eyes are swimming with tears.

  “Suzanne, we had only one night since you were sick- one fucking night,” he croaks. “I have known you almost exactly a year and I've waited for you for that entire year to come to me, and then you did come to me, and then you were lost again. Please, love. Just try to remember me. We only had one night.”

  Giggling, which I can't seem to stop, I ask, “One night together, huh? And already we're engaged? That seems a little sudden, no? I mean really, not only do I leave my husband, which I don't believe for a second, but I have a one night stand with you and we're engaged? Do you even realize how absurd your lies actually sound? I mean, come ON! At least make your lies believable!” What an idiot, I swear.

  “We had one night together, but we were together emotionally for months and months.”

  “Emotionally?” I scoff.

  “I helped you when you were sick, and you became better, and we were finally together. And by the time you came back to me, you were ready to start your life with me.”

  “Really? Okay. Well Z, I think you're full of shit, and I'm not sure why you're doing this, but-”

  “I'm not full of shit! Ask anyone! Ask the other doctors. Ask Mack. Ask the Kaylas. Fuck! Ask your grandfather- he'll tell you. It was your grandfather and I who stopped Marcus from hurting you! It was us who saved you!”

  “Z, please calm down. I think you may be scaring Suzanne.”

  “Yeah, Z!” I yell.

  “Good! I'm sorry Suzanne, but you need to wake up and remember me and our life and YOUR life. You need to wake up and remember. We have some big changes ahead of us. We have many plans to make.”

  “Really? And wh
at are those plans, exactly? Are they wedding plans? Or maybe they're plans which will conveniently convince me of your lies?”

  “No.”

  “Because right now everything you say is a lie. I know it. First of all, I would never leave Marcus-”

  “You did.”

  “Uh huh. Whatever. I would NEVER leave Marcus, and I would NEVER be with another man.”

  “You were. You were with me, you just don't-”

  “Yeah, I don't remember. Convenient. And my grandfather? I haven't seen or spoken to my grandfather in forever, like 16 years or something. He wasn't even at my wedding to MARCUS- my husband. So again, no offense, but you are Full Of Shit, Z.” Ha!

  “Suzanne, please-”

  “Nope. Get out! Get the hell out of my room. I never want to see you again. I have no idea what you and Dr. MacDonald are doing, but-”

  “Mack. What Mack and I are doing.”

  “Fine. MACK! Whatever you think you're doing is pointless. I know who I am. I know I'm Suzanne Anderson, and I know Marcus is my husband, and I know I don't have anything to do with my grandfather or any other man, or anything else you're trying to tell me. So please, get out of my room.”

  “Suzanne, please listen to me. I-”

  “Not a chance. Seriously, get out of my room. Now! And take Dr. Liar MacDonald with you as well.”

  “Suzanne-”

  “Oh, Fuck Off and take this asshole with you and get out of here. I don't know why you're doing this, but I need you to stop!” Ugh…

  “Suzanne, take a deep breath. You’re starting to panic a little, and I need you to breathe in and out slowly for me.”

  “Panic? Really? Well, that’s YOUR f-fault!” Shit.

  “Suzanne-”

  “No!” Gasp. “Stop talking! Just don’t t-talk-”

  “Listen to me. I love you desperately-”

  “NO!” Screaming, I finally move a little from my helpless position and grab my face in my hands. If they can't see me, I can't see them!! I've had enough. Holding tightly, I suddenly feel my face.

  Oh my god, what the fuck is this? What. The. FUCK. Is. THIS?!

  Screaming, I start thrashing as best I can. Holding onto my face, I can't believe what I feel. What is this? What have they done to me? Hysterically, the panic threatens to overwhelm me! What have they done to me?

  Screaming, “What did you do? What's w-wrong with me?! What IS this?!”

  Oh god, I can barely breathe from the fear. What did they do?

  Feeling arms holding me down, I can't look. What is this?

  Touching, I'm shocked and stunned and horrified at once. What is this? My face is all bumpy, and weird, and hot, and, and WEIRD! What the hell IS this?!

  Screaming, I feel the arms tighten around me. I think someone is on the bed. I think I hear talking but I can't stop screaming. I hear the raised voices and I feel a weight on me. But I can’t hear their words.

  Gasping for breath in between screams, I'm numb. There has never been a moment like this in my life. I now know true horror.

  Gasping, I beg, “What- did you- do- to me?”

  When there is only silence, my screams begin again. Moving my legs, I fight the arms binding me to the bed. Screaming, I try to fight them. Screaming, I try to erase this.

  Knowing I have only seconds before they put me away, I gather my strength for one last rush of panic and then I'm free. Looking with terrified eyes, I see their horror staring back at me.

  Dr. MacDonald, and Z, and a nurse have me surrounded. They're staring at me. They're doing stuff to my body, and to the tubes and to the wires. They're staring at me with horror.

  I see them shaking and they look horrified, so I think they must be horrified because of me. But there is only silence in my room as I try to breathe throughout the screams inside my head.

  Whispering, I beg again, “What- did you do- to my face...?” As I feel the blackness consume me.

  CHAPTER 13

  MAY 19

  Holding my face, I slowly wake up again. I don't know how long I've been asleep this time, and my memories of falling asleep are fuzzy at best. But I know what I'm doing in this moment- I'm struggling.

  Right now touching my face, I can barely breathe. With my eyes closed tightly, I’m slowly feeling the skin on my face. I'm stunned but desperately trying to breathe through this. I know what I feel but I can't believe what I'm feeling. This is just so wrong. This is so horrible.

  “Suzanne... it’s me. Chicago Kayla. Can you talk to me?”

  The infamous Chicago Kayla all the others talk about? Well, this should be interesting.

  Opening my eyes, I'm stunned. Holy shit! I know her. Finally! Someone I know. Kayla Lefferts.

  “Hello, Kayla. I remember you from work. Ah, how are you?” Why is she here? I swear to god, my days just get weirder and weirder.

  “Suzanne, I'm here because we're best friends- well, I'm one of your 3 best friends,” she grins. Three, huh? Whatever.

  “Okay. Well, thank you for visiting, but have you seen my husband Marcus? I've been waiting for him to visit me since I woke up.”

  “Marcus isn't here right now, but I'm sure he'll be here as soon as he can. Do you remember me, Suzanne?”

  “Of course. I just told you I know you from work.” Duh. Thank god she's hot 'cause she's not too bright- I feel better now.

  Ooops. Catty. Giggle. Ooops again. Shit.

  “Why are you giggling?” She asks with a smile.

  “Oh, no reason.”

  “You can tell me, I'm cool. We're cool, Suzanne. And I wasn't joking about being one of your three best friends. Unlike the other Kayla, I'm not intimidated by being tied with her as your second-place best friend, behind Mack of course. Honestly, you can tell me or ask me anything.”

  Okay, she seems like I remember, but she and I weren't very close. I mean, I always spoke to her at work, but I would NEVER confide in her. She and I weren't like that. I'm not like that with anyone.

  “Do you remember me from before the accident? Or just from before-before, like when we worked together?”

  “I remember working with you, certainly. But I'm not sure about the ‘tied as best friends’ thing. I know that other Kayla and Dr. MacDonald keep telling me things, but I don't remember them at all. Um, when did we become best friends?” Again... weird.

  I find this whole thing very hard to believe. It's so strange that I would be friends with Kayla Lefferts, never-mind best friends. She is totally not my type of friend. Not that I have a type of friend or even, you know, a friend really... Giggle. Shit.

  “You're giggling again, which for you is actually a very bad thing. You only giggle when you're stressed or wiggy, or like losing your shit, or something. You never giggle when you're okay. Are you okay, Suzanne?”

  “Ah, not really. I keep learning things that are too much and too hard to believe, and quite frankly, rather insane to me. But the things I expect are not happening either. I have no memory of all you ‘friends’ of mine, and yet my parents, and Marcus aren't here either. So it’s very strange that they aren't here, and it makes the other stuff you people keep telling me more believable, but at the same time it's all so unbelievable that I'm having a hard time understanding anything. Why is my giggling bad?” Giggle. And there it is again.

  “As I said, you only giggle when you're crazy, which I'm hoping you're not. I don't want you to go there again.” Again?

  “What does THAT mean?”

  “You were out of it last year, but you recovered! You did, I promise. It's just you giggled a lot back then and it was so unlike you that we knew something was wrong. Well, I knew, and I guess Marcus and your parents knew, but then you got sick, and then you got better. Don't get me wrong, you totally laugh when things are funny, and when Kayla and I tease you, you giggle as well- I'm talking about this random, spontaneous giggling, which you seem to be fighting even right now.”

  And I really am. Right now. I feel all this pressure to just burst out laug
hing at everything she's saying, but I think she wants me to clamp down on the hysterical laughter that wants to swallow up the room. I want to just laugh at all this confusion. Okay. Change of subject desperately needed.

  “Ah, that man, Z...? Um...” Blush.

  “Z. Mr. Z Zinfandel. Totally yes,” she smiles. Gulp. Really?

  “Yes, what?”

  “You and Z are very much together. You and Z are a couple, or were a couple- are trying to be a couple. He loves you very much and he's been by your side this whole time. And you love him very much. Christ! I'm half in love with him myself. I swear he is the sexiest, funniest, yet most intense man I've ever met in my life. I just adore him, especially for you. He is amazing, Suzanne. And I'm not kidding- if you and he don't work out I'm throwing myself at him,” she smiles at me again. Wow. How weird. How do I even respond to that?

  Whispering, “But I'm married to Marcus. I don't understand.”

  “I know you don't remember this, but you left Marcus. You really did leave Marcus in February. You and Marcus are over, or were over. I hope ARE over. You tried to make it work though, Suzanne. You tried very hard, but you finally left Marcus in February and he is well aware of this, regardless of what he tells you now.”

  But I don't believe her. I really don't. I mean, that guy was super-hot, so how would I even meet someone like that? This whole thing reads like fiction. I wish to god Marcus would get here so he could tell me what's actually going on. I know people don't generally band together to mess with a total stranger's head but other than that theory, I've got nothing.

  I don't know these people, and I don't believe I would ever leave Marcus. Marcus loves me, I know he does.

  “Marcus loves me, Kayla. I know you didn't really know him, but he does. Mr. Shields knows him and he'll tell you. Marcus and I have been together for a long time now. And he loves me very much,” I tell her desperately.