This Is Me...

by Sarah Ann Walker

  Finally, my super long hair is chopped off and gone. Grandma Tommy is gone. My mother is gone. And I am once again, another new Suzanne.

  So today I'm pretty well. Mack stayed with me last night, which was good because I had tons of nightmares throughout the night. He even stayed in my bed with me ON the covers, but beside me to keep waking me when I started freaking out. And though he looks terrible this morning, we have a huge day ahead of us, so he better wake the hell up soon and get with the program.

  In 3 hours we're leaving for New York for his 'surprise' birthday bash Kayla is throwing- The surprise being only that she doesn't know he knows about it.

  Regardless, we're both leaving my place, driving to his place so he can get his bags, then we're hopping on a plane for New York. When we arrive at 4:35 in New York I'm supposed to convince him to go shopping with me before we arrive at Kayla's apartment for his party at 8:00.

  It's pretty lame, and Mack knew I was full of shit within minutes of trying to convince him I still wanted to go to New York so soon after my testimony yesterday. But when I tried to keep lying he talked me into the truth, and promised to play along- admitting he knew anyway the last 3 weeks because of Kayla's insistence he be at her apartment right at 8:00 Friday night sharp. Too funny.

  From what I've been told, the party isn't going to be too big, and I'll have Kayla and Mack to help me should I need a minute, but I'm going to try to NOT need a minute. This party is for Mack, and I'm going to keep all the Suzanne-shit out of it. Period.

  *****

  Arriving at 8:10, we're late and totally weighed down with bags. Coincidentally, Kayla's suggestion to go shopping was exactly what we did. Okay, it's what I did… with Mack’s help.

  Mack was a trooper once again though, and I was in my glory, and now we have so much crap between us with Mack taking almost all the burden from me, I feel a little bad for him, and extra limpy myself, actually.

  I may have overdone it. Between my limp and the huge 7 1/2 months pregnant belly I'm carrying, I think 3 and a half solid hours of manic shopping was a bit much. Oh well. At least I've kept him from arriving to his ‘surprise’ party early, so Kayla should be thrilled.

  Opening the door with a major flourish, we're hit with the massive shout 'SURPRISE' like a friggin’ wall of sound. And though we knew it was coming, both Mack and I actually jump a little like idiots, fueling the 'Mack had no idea' facade for Kayla.

  Looking at all the bags in mostly Mack's hands, Kayla raises an eyebrow and says, “Nice work, Suzanne,” while pulling us both in for a huge combined hug. After removing myself from her death grip, Kayla stays hugging poor Mack, whose arms appear to be getting longer by the second. Staring at me and my hair, she mouths, 'you look gorgeous, and totally sexy,' as I blush.

  When I turn toward the room, I can see it’s filled with people, only 2 of whom I actually know. And of course, there's Z. Smiling, he makes his way to me as I feel my body light up with happiness.

  God, I love looking at his smile and I love these few little extra moments we have between us so I can stockpile them into my memory vault for later.

  Joining us, Z takes my bags, and starts taking all my other bags from Mack.

  “Let me help you to the bedroom, Suzanne. You must be exhausted.”

  “I am. Three and a half hours of power shopping after a flight will do that to you,” I grin.

  “I'm sure it will. Do you feel okay?” He questions.

  “The baby is fine Z,” I answer defensively.

  Shaking his head slightly he responds, “I asked how YOU are feeling, Suzanne.”

  “Oh, sorry. I'm good,” I mumble.

  And that's it. With the sudden discomfort between us, I have nothing more to say, and I'm sure Z doesn't know what he can say to me without me becoming defensive. And once again, Z and I are sadly awkward together, which I never believed could happen to us.

  Walking together, we head for the back bedroom behind Kayla's strangely laid out kitchen/living room, past all the people I don't know, at the party I didn't really want to attend, for the man I absolutely adore.

  “You wore your hair down and the style looks amazing.”

  When Z smiles his charming smile at me, I suddenly feel the desperate need to just reach out and kiss him. A hard kiss- smack on the lips. And if there's a little tongue- I want that too. Jesus, this is hard.

  “I wear my hair down now when I want to hide from people.” Seriously?! Did I just admit that? Dammit.

  When Z stops dead, I feel so uncomfortable again I want to get the hell out of this room and away from him.

  “Well, it’s not necessary to hide,” he says turning toward me. “With those beautiful eyes, and those come kiss me lips, and that amazing new haircut, I guarantee no one is seeing your scarred cheek, Suzanne. Trust me.”

  Blushing, I whisper a quiet ‘thanks’ as I struggle to take off my coat.

  Suddenly Z inhales quickly and before I know it his hands are on my stomach as he towers over me with his eyes closed. Flinching, I just try to breathe in my stillness. Z's hands on me are an absolute NO. I can't handle his hands on me. I can't handle the visual of Z's hands on me. And just as suddenly as he touched me, there is no air in the room between us.

  When he opens his eyes to mine, I'm instantly reminded of a time when I could kiss him whenever I wanted to. A time when he was ALL I ever wanted. He is so beautiful, and his eyes are so expressive, and this thing between us is so big that I feel nothing but its tragic loss, as the pain lashes through me.

  Lifting his hands away, Z seems to make a groaning noise as he turns and walks from the room quickly. Thank god.

  Looking in the mirror I don't see what he sees. I'm dressed beautifully in a classic wrap around dress in black, which highlights my growing chest and my swollen stomach nicely, and my heels are 3 inch black suede wedges for stability.

  But I just don't see the Suzanne he sees anymore, not that I ever really did. But when I was with him before, I found myself believing him when he told me I was beautiful to him.

  Plopping on the bed, I just try to breathe. This night is going to be very long and I need to keep myself together. I need to be the best Suzanne I can be- Mack and Kayla deserve it.

  Lifting my huge ass off the bed, I see Chicago Kayla watching me from the doorway.

  “Z looks as gutted as you do,” she states deadpan.

  “I'm fine. It's lovely to see you Kayla.”

  “So formal, Suzanne?” What?

  “I'm sorry, that wasn't my intention.”

  “Yup, here we go. Uncomfortable scared Suzanne equals formal, verbally repressed Suzanne,” she scoffs at me. Oh really?

  “Well then… Fuck off, Kayla. Is that better?”

  ”Moderately, yes. Why don't you start by calling me a bitch, and work your way up to fuck off. I deserve it.”

  Exhaling the tension I moan, “I can't. I miss you.”

  “I miss you too. I'm sorry I've been such an asshole...” I laugh. “But you really hurt my feelings back then, and I was too much of a pansy to get back into your life in case you lashed out at me again which was pretty wimpy and very unKayla-like, I know.”

  “It's okay. But I really didn't mean those things I said to you. I was all messed up, and scared, and twisted up with reality and my past and you just got the brunt of it, as you know. I've never thought you were a whore, or slutty, or anything else I called you that day. Honestly, I've always been so jealous of the way you can do what you do-”

  “Whore around?”

  “No! God, no. If you were a man, you would be a sexy stud who every woman wants to be with. I think of you the same way. I love that you can just have sex because you want to. I envy that about you. I always envied that about you, even back before. You were just so cool, and sexy, and awesome with men, when I couldn't even talk to them. I even used to think I wanted to be just like you, but I wasn't. I couldn't be. And really, probably never will be. That's how I feel about you. There's nothi
ng bad, I swear.”

  “Okay. I'll stop being a douche then. I was just upset, but I'll get over it now. And obviously we have a lot to talk about. Starting with Holy shit! Look how big you are!”

  “I know, and I have a month and a half to go. Seriously. This kid is huge.”

  “How’s Z been? The few times we've spoken he seemed so quiet, or like reserved about you that I didn't ask too much.”

  “I don't know. I've only seen him 2 times since you know, we ended, I guess. But I know Mack gives him constant updates on the baby.”

  “No offense, but this situation seems totally unfair to Z. If I was you I'd think about giving him an in, or letting him be a bigger part of all this. I know you don't want the kid but he does, and it is HIS kid growing in you. And I think you're being really unfair letting Mack be the surrogate father during this pregnancy.” Wow! ‘Surrogate father?!’

  “That's not at all what I'm doing. And you have no clue what's been going on or how I feel, because you haven't been around. So don't try to have an opinion now, Kayla!”

  “Okay, fine. I just hate seeing Z sad like he is, and I hate seeing you so sad you can't even leave this room for the party. I was just trying to help.”

  “Well, don't! This is my life and I'm doing the best I can with what I have. Z will have his baby soon, and he can finally be happy and move on.”

  “And when do you feel happy? When do you move on?”

  “I have no idea, but it's not now. And it's not with this huge thing between Z and I. Look, I don't want to talk about this with you, okay? I'm tired and I need to get to this party. It was lovely seeing you. Have fun, Kayla,” I gasp while turning away.

  “I'll call you!” She yells at my back as I practically run from the room.

  In Kayla's living room I spot Mack immediately and make my way to him. Trying to breathe, I want to be strong- I do. I just feel so messed up right now but I absolutely won't show it. Screw Kayla and her opinions. Screw Z for touching me. Screw everyone. Tonight I'm strong for Mack and Kayla.

  “How’s it going?” I ask my constant, steady, wonderful Mack, with a smile plastered on my face.

  “Good. You?” He asks while looking at me closely.

  “Fine. There are tons of people here. Who are they?”

  “Doctors and Nurses I've worked with, and even a few friends from college.”

  “See, you ARE the greatest, most awesome man ever,” I say while side-hugging him. “This isn't even a monumental birthday or anything- just your 38. But everyone wants to celebrate you anyway. Told ya’ you were awesome.” By way of response Mack kisses the top of my head and pulls me tighter to him.

  Okay, so I'm babbling, but I'm just trying to get through this. Looking around I see Chicago Kayla talking to Z, whose shaking his head looking back at me. Okay, that feels shitty, like they have something against me. Together. I don't like that much.

  Pulling away from Mack, I see New York Kayla with another drink in her hand, laughing her ass off with a bunch of woman, and I'm instantly jealous. I want to tell them to screw off because she's mine! Yikes. I'm getting loopy... I can feel it.

  Walking away from Mack and his friends, I stop near the fully stocked makeshift bar. A drink would be amazing right now. Sometimes a little liquid-courage goes a loooong way. But of course, I wouldn't dream of it in my condition. I'll just yearn for it desperately.

  Listening to the music, I suddenly hear Leonard Cohen's 'Suzanne'. Oh, NO! Who plays Leonard Cohen at a party for a bunch of thirty or forty something’s? Who?!

  Oh god... I love this song and I love the memories I have of Z with this song. I don't think he would remember making love with me in his apartment to this song quietly playing in the background. But I remember.

  For me it was an amazing moment- making love with Z with one of my favorite songs suddenly playing quietly in the background. It was a moment we had, which I'm sure he's unaware of, but a moment between us which plays out in my memory, time and time again.

  It was a beautiful moment filled with promise in a time when I thought we might have a forever.

  Standing still, the song washes over me as everything slows to a stop. I feel everything and I feel nothing. I know my tears are falling down my face slowly and I know I look too still in the busy of the room. I know I look odd standing so still when a party continues all around me. I know it, but I'm unable to move.

  I have always loved this song even before Z. Mr. Cohen used to sing me to sleep when I was young and when my horrible sadness overwhelmed me.

  Singing quietly to myself, “... And you know that's she's half crazy... But that's why you want to be there...” I weep.

  Listening to Mr. Cohen's voice sing in the background of my pain, I'm reminded of everything Z has ever said to me. All the beautiful words and loving confessions. I remember the way he touched me and I remember the way only he could reach inside me.

  This moment is a sea of memories washing over me. This is a tragic moment of loss wrapped up in a beautiful song of loving memories.

  I love this song and I love Z. I wish for nothing in this moment but a life less dramatic; a life less crushing in its brutality. In my silence, I cry tears for the life I’ve always wanted with Z, but will sadly never have.

  Looking across the room at him, I see he sees me. With absolute dread, I force myself to turn away and walk back to my temporary bedroom behind the strangely shaped kitchen/dining room combo. Turning off the lights, I am engulfed in the darkness that is me.

  When the door quietly opens seconds later, I cry harder. These moments are just too debilitating in their despair.

  “Suzanne... What is it, love?”

  “Please don't call me that,” I moan.

  “Sorry. Are you alright? Can I help you at all?”

  “No. With this, YOU can't help me. I'm okay. But I just need to rest for a few minutes. I must've overdone it today because I'm absolutely exhausted, but I'm fine, Z.”

  “Tell me what it is, Suzanne. Please… I need to know.”

  “It's everything and it's nothing. It's Leonard Cohen, and memories, and nightmares, and a life not lived,” I confess.

  Silence.

  “We made love to that song in my apartment once. Do you remember that?” Oh! He remembers.

  “Yes, I remember. Why do you remember that?” I whisper.

  “There is nothing I don't remember about each and every moment we ever had together. Maybe because there are so few memories to hold onto. Or maybe because they were so amazing for me when they happened... I don't know why. But I don't think there's anything about being with you that I don't remember, Suzanne.”

  Well that was beautiful. Typical Z- love me when I'm down.

  “Talk to me, Suzanne. Just tell me what you're feeling.”

  “Nothing. I feel nothing. Um... next month you can come to the ultrasound if you want. You can be there if you want to be. You should be there if you want to be. It's only fair.”

  “Thank you,” he exhales.

  “But that’s it tonight, Z. Please leave me alone now and have a great time at the party. But please don't tell Mack or Kayla I was upset because I really don't want to ruin this for them.”

  “Okay, I'll leave you alone. And thank you for letting me be there next month, I really appreciate it. Be well, Suzanne.”

  Hearing the door open and close to the sounds of music and laughter is numbing. And that's it from Z. Lovely, simple words that stab right through me. This night is already awful but it continues on, just like I will after I stop crying again.

  CHAPTER 35

  OCTOBER 18

  Opening the door to Z is hard. I don't know what's expected of me, and I don't know what's expected of him. Because we are complete strangers at this point tied together so intimately, I honestly don't know how we're to function with one another.

  “Hi. Um, come in,” I mumble.

  “Relax, Suzanne. I'm not here for any other reason than to take you to the hospita
l.”

  “I can get there on my own. I'm good.”

  Staring between us, there is only silence as the memories swamp my mind. Why do I suddenly feel like crying? Oh, I know... Because I'm huge, I'm hormonal and I love this man but I just can't love him- love him. Duh.

  “I'm sure you can get there by yourself, but considering you're as round as you are tall at this point, I thought I'd give you a hand rolling down the hallway.” What?!

  Looking, I see him trying so hard not to laugh- I'm done. Punching his arm, I burst out laughing. What an asshole! Seriously! It's not MY fault I have this monster 6 foot baby growing inside me. But thankfully, the ice is broken and the chill has quickly lifted between us.

  “That was totally mean and uncalled for and just really, really mean Z,” I stutter through my giggles.

  “I know. But Christ! You're huge. Don't get me wrong, you're beautiful still, but man! Your stomach is gigantic. Are you sure there's just one baby in there?” WHAT?!

  “YES! They told me there's only one! I asked. I did! And they said there's just one big, healthy kid in here!”

  “I'm teasing, Suzanne. Breathe, love. I know there's only one baby. I've seen the reports and ultrasounds.”

  “Then stop teasing me. I've already got the waddle down, and I can't see my shoes anymore. I know my ass is double the size. My hands and feet are swollen. And look at my boobs! They're huge!” Ooops.

  “They are huge,” he wiggles his eyebrows at me. Dammit. Blush. “But you still look beautiful to me.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Grab your coat and we’ll get going. Mack's meeting us there.”

  Turning from Z to grab my coat and purse feels easy suddenly. I don't have that heavy, painful weight on my chest that usually accompanies thoughts of Z right now.

  Seeing him for the first time since Mack's party last month doesn't hurt this time. Maybe humor is the key. Maybe Z acting like I'm just a friend is the key. I have no idea, but I'm okay right now. I actually feel kind of good.