This Is Me...

by Sarah Ann Walker

  Touching Z for the first time in forever is so anticlimactic, I'm surprised by the calm of the gesture. I have wanted to touch him always, but I couldn't. And now it seems I can touch him and I just feel so sad for all the lost opportunity and tragedy between us.

  “I'm sorry I didn't want the baby, Z. But it was NEVER you. I always wanted you. I just didn't want a baby. And I know you can't understand the difference, but to me there IS a difference.”

  “Tell me, Suzanne. Make me understand,” he begs while lifting his eyes to me.

  “Um...”

  Oh god, this is so hard to say. Okay. Trying to breathe, I look at his beautiful eyes begging me, and I just jump off my cliff.

  “A baby is something for me to hurt, Z. Something I probably would have hurt eventually. It was going to be an innocent child, and as a person- as its mother- I'm not supposed to hurt it. But I just couldn't be sure that I wouldn't. So I felt nothing for it which was easier than being terrified of hurting it-”

  “But you-”

  “Please, Z. Just listen,” I beg as he silences. “If I ever hurt you, you would fight back. You would tell me to piss off, or you would explain how I hurt you until I understood. But a child couldn't do that because I was its mother. The child would've been trapped like I was by an awful parent who hurt him, and I didn't want that. I didn't want that for you or the baby, but mostly I didn't want that for me. I didn't want to be the kind of monster who hurt their child.” Nodding, he seems to just wait for me to continue.

  “Could you imagine if we were together with a baby and I was horrible or mean or... abusive to it? Could you imagine how much you would hate me? Could you imagine how screwed up your baby would turn out to be? I mean, look at me. Look at what's happened to me. Look at all I've done and said and thought because of my horrible parents.

  “... So I was scared to death of screwing up your child- YOUR child because I love you and I never want you to see me as a monster. And I never want to BE a monster with you, so I couldn't be in its life in case I was that monster. But even that was wrong because the baby would have still been screwed up eventually by me staying away. Your child would have been messed up anyway knowing it had a mother that just didn't want him- a mother who stayed away from him on purpose. So I didn't know what to do. Somehow, I almost feel like I would've handled this better had it been Marcus' child because I really didn't care if he hated me... But with you I care so much, I didn't want a baby giving me the opportunity to screw up so badly that you never loved me again.”

  Shaking and breathing heavily, I continue.

  “I'm not sure I would've handled you hating me very well, and I think I would have become all messed up again, or desperate, or maybe suicidal or something. I don't know. It was just easier to walk away while giving you something you wanted so badly- your baby. It was so much easier to walk away from you than trying to be a part of his life- The part that could screw him up, which would make me lose everything. I think I believed that no matter what happened, if I gave you your baby, no matter how much I screwed up away from you, you would still love me a little. And I guess I just always needed to know that you would love me a little, no matter what became of me without you.” Ex-hale.

  And there it is. That’s it. All of it. The whole truth. Shit, it seems way more lame in words than it did all wrapped up in my head forever.

  Silence.

  “You really are fucked up, Suzanne,” Z laughs sadly as he stands up in front of me. “I would have NEVER let you or anyone else hurt our child, and I would have NEVER let you hurt me or yourself. Did you not think I was prepared for you to struggle? Did you not think I would know when you were struggling, or when you needed a moment? If, and I seriously doubt it, but IF you had struggled to the point of ever hurting Thomas, I would have intervened. I would have found you the help you needed, and I would have protected him until you were well again. But again I say a very hypothetical 'IF'.

  “... I truly believe you would have loved him, and you would have fought day and night to be a wonderful mother to him. Not just for him and I, but because you wanted to be a good mother. I believe you would have done everything you could do to love him, just as you love Mack, and the Kaylas, and even me. You have never intentionally hurt us, and I don't believe for one minute that you would have intentionally hurt him.”

  “Intentionally-” I state firmly.

  “Yes, intentionally. Christ! Your parents were the extreme, Suzanne. And my parents were monsters as well. But lots of other good parents have bad moments. Even Mack's dad, who was a terrific man, lost it once in a while. But Mack always knew it wasn't intentional, and he has no emotional scars from it. Parenting is hard, I'm told. And even the best-intentioned parents make mistakes from time to time.”

  “I know, but what if I really lost it?”

  “Again, I would have found you the help you needed, and we would have worked through it together, for ourselves and for our son.”

  Exhaling a hard breath and shaking his head a little, Z looks back at my face and he seems just so utterly exhausted in this moment. If only I had-

  “I really wish you had talked to me months ago. I wish you had told me all this so I could have talked to you and understood your fears better. I wish you had told me this instead of hiding from me so I could’ve maybe helped you deal with all this crap in your head. I'm not saying you would've changed, but maybe I could've told you this and you would have felt differently about the pregnancy- about the future. Christ, Suzanne. We just always seem to have missed chances between us.”

  “I know... I'm sorry.”

  “Do you remember our last morning together before the accident?” Blush. Yup, I remember, I nod. “Do you remember me asking you to always talk to me about all things us? Do you remember me saying I had no issue with you needing Mack, and needing to talk to Mack always, every single day- but I asked if you could, to talk to me about all the things 'us'?” Yes I remember, I nod again.

  “Well, I can't keep waiting for you to talk to me. I just can't anymore. Actually, I won't do it anymore. After I wait, I always learn something new, something I could've handled had I known. But you never talk to me, and you always leave me waiting on the sideline for some tragedy to take you from me time and time again.”

  “I know, I'm sorry. I just don't know how to talk,” I plead.

  “You talk with Mack.”

  “Yes, but that's different. I'm not afraid of him leaving me. We're friends, best friends actually, and best friends put up with all the bad stuff because they're friends. And friends don't leave when they hear the bad stuff. Mack hasn't ever left me when I tell him all the bad stuff inside my head. Mack and Kayla almost split up because of me, but somehow he kept my friendship AND he worked it out with her. I trust him... NOT that I don't trust you, but it's just different. If I told you things, you could leave me and break my heart if you didn't understand the bad stuff in my head.”

  “And what about my heart?” Um... “Do you think loving you is easy, Suzanne?”

  “No. I know it isn't,” I mumble sadly.

  “It isn't easy, but not because it's you like you clearly believe. Loving you is hard because you're sad some days and you don't tell me, or you're happy and you don't tell me, or you're okay and you don't tell me. I never know how you feel. And all I get is the fall out of everything you didn't tell me. That's what makes loving you so fucking hard. That's what I hate about all this between us. I feel like I'm alone in this weird, tragic, beautiful, exhausting relationship with you. I feel like I'm the only one who tries.”

  “I try. I swear I do! Every day I try.”

  “You try to NOT tell me and everyone else the bad things. And you try to be what you think me and everyone else want you to be. But it's not working. It NEVER worked. I don't even know what I want you to be with me anymore, because for all the love I have for you, I don't have a clue who you are.”

  “You DO know me, I swear,” I yell desperately.

&n
bsp; “That's the thing, Suzanne. I really don't know you because covering up and hiding, and being what you think I want, isn't what I want at all. Just give it to me- the good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful. That's all I want from you. That's all I need from you so I can actually know you. So I can know why I want this love with you so badly. Because honestly Suzanne, I don't know why I want this love anymore. It makes no sense to me, and I don't think I can wait much longer for what we do or don’t have to make sense to me. It's too hard and it's just too fucking exhausting all the time.”

  Reaching for him, he doesn't pull away, but he doesn't lean in closer either. Trying to get closer without falling from the counter, I pull at his arms. Pulling harder, I'm just desperate for him to understand but I have no words.

  “Don't pull me closer Suzanne because you're afraid I'll leave. Pull me closer to you because you want me to stay.”

  “I am. I do!”

  “What do you want? Tell me, Suzanne. Just say it.”

  “I want you in my life again. Yeah... again and again, I know. It's always again with me, but I don't know how to change that. I'll try though. I'll try to keep you this time.”

  “I don't want to be kept by you. I want to be loved by you because you love me. Not because you're afraid to not love me.”

  “I do! Oh god, Z... I wish I had the words for you. I wish I could explain you to me. I wish so many things, and you're always a part of it. You're always in the dreams and realities. I don't know what to say, and I don't know how to explain what I feel for you because there really aren't words I don't think, or at least I don't have them. Shit! I'm screwing this up again.”

  Shaking my head to clear it, I pull in a full breath as he waits for me in silence.

  “Z, you're just so beautiful, and awesome, and sexy, and normal. And you're all I think about, all the time. YOU are who I love and miss. Even when we're not together you're all I think about. When I'm with Mack I'm thinking of you. When I'm having coffee alone in this apartment I'm thinking of you. I have no peace or happiness when I’m alone because my love for you is just always there without you. Z, you are the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. Shit, it's just always you. All the time.” Ex-hale.

  After a rather dramatic pause, we both stare at each other in silence. Holding my breath, I let my hands drop from his arms and simply wait for something from Z. Anything.

  “Well, that was a pretty good start,” he grins.

  “Thank you. It was quite spontaneous,” I huff on an exhale.

  “I figured as much from the stunning effort, but horrendous execution,” he winks.

  And after another long pause, I'm sure Z must be thinking in circles. I've probably messed with his head so many times he's not as sharp as he used to be. Ooops. Giggle.

  When he cocks an eyebrow at my giggle, I ask, “What happens now? What do you want to do?”

  “I want to get out of this bathroom and lie down for a while beside you. I'm emotionally spent and heartbroken, and you look absolutely exhausted. Do you need a minute?”

  “Yes. I just want to fix myself up, but I'm not taking a moment, Z. I'm not!”

  “That's a start, Suzanne. I'll leave you to it then.”

  “Thank you.”

  And watching him leave, I feel kind of okay, like maybe hopeful or something until he suddenly turns to me with tortured, tear-filled eyes.

  “Suzanne, this 'moment' of yours has been very long, but it's not our end. I told you I wouldn't let you end us on a moment and I meant it. This is not our end, love. You needed a moment and I gave it to you, but we will NEVER be over because you need a moment.”

  Oh! Whoooosh... That was so beautiful. And with that, Z smiles his gorgeous real smile at me.

  “When you join me I'm going to kiss you Suzanne. A heart pounding- Holy SHIT- we can't even catch our breath- Kiss. So prepare yourself, love.” Blush. Dammit. Still?

  Grinning, I nod as he walks out the bathroom door.

  Quickly bandaging myself up, brushing my teeth, dressing in my huge yoga pants and gigantic t-shirt, I'm ready for him.

  I know there'll be no sex tonight which I'm not ready for anyway- physically or emotionally. But a Holy SHIT Kiss I'm definitely ready for.

  Leaving the bathroom, I limp my way to the bed and just take him in. His pants are on but he's removed his shirt. Staring, he looks so calm and really just so perfect lying in my bed waiting for me.

  In this silent moment I don't know what's going to happen with us in the future. But right now in THIS moment, I don't need to know what'll happen later because in this moment I'm happy enough to enjoy what I can with Z.

  Crawling into my bed, Z moves me to his side and hugs me tightly. Lifting my face with his hand, his lips slowly greet mine. But slowly turns to not so slowly quickly, and he wasn't kidding! His kiss is deep and thorough and amazing at once.

  I love, love, love kissing Z. I always remembered I loved his kiss, but the memory definitely pales in comparison. He is just so amazing.

  Shit! I need to breathe. Gasp!

  When Z lifts his head and smiles his charming 'I'm the man' smile with a raised 'told you so' eyebrow, I'm done. Laughing as he pulls me closer to him, I snuggle up and enjoy this tiny moment of humor and peace, in an otherwise tragic day.

  Feeling the exhaustion settle in, he whispers, “Go to sleep, love. And I'll be here when you wake up.”

  “Okay...” And with no other words, I feel myself fall in love again… Again.

  CHAPTER 38

  FEBRUARY 6

  Okay, so Z and I are inseparable now. Every night he sleeps at my decent apartment, or I sleep at his awesome apartment. But wherever we sleep is about locational convenience at this point, and that's about all.

  Z and I go out for dinner. We go to the movies. We've been to the ballet (yawn) and to the opera (wow). We've gone shopping together, and we've stayed home and watched good and bad movies together. We went ice skating in New York at Rockefeller Center together, which I survived without landing on my ass. And we’ve had fun.

  I haven't freaked out. I haven't been overcome with sadness or depression. I haven’t had a moment of insanity. And I haven't needed a ‘moment’ from Z, ever.

  Obviously, there have been moments of sadness, but the sadness didn't consume me as it did before. I've been truly happy, which is just so weird for me to experience for such an extended period of time. But I love my new happiness and I’m trying really hard to live with the happiness instead of fighting it out of fear.

  Z and I seem to just live each day, together. We do everything together, and I know he's happy where we are too.

  Not only does he tell me often of his happiness, but he shows me with sweet little notes, or private smiles between us when we're entertaining Mack and/or the Kaylas. And he held me tightly for hours when his other best friend Marty visited from New York at Christmas.

  We even went to Mack and Kaylas for their huge New Year’s Eve bash, and we kissed in the New Year together, beautifully.

  We are together, and we're finally making our way slowly but steadily through the haze that was our first year and a half together.

  Sometimes, it just seems so effortless between us. Sometimes, it's just so easy to forget all the bad stuff in our background. Sometimes, just a simple gesture like Z taking my hand and lifting my palm to his lips for a gentle kiss still takes my breath away. It's like we're survivors in this tragically beautiful little love of ours.

  Z believes because we experienced so much between us at the start, there really are no learning curves, nor stepping stones to navigate around. Due to our awful past, Z believes there are no big new relationship struggles to overcome, because we've already lived them.

  I mean really, how much worse could we possibly go through together? Toothpaste in the sink, or dishes on the counter become inconsequential when compared to the struggles of our past with each other.

  Amazingly, Thomas is here with us, too. Z visits his grave o
ften, I know. And I've even been a few times with him, but I still don't feel feel him as my lost child. It's sad, but I still remember the terrible loss as only Z's child, which is all I seem able to feel for Thomas.

  And thankfully, Z doesn't resent my lack of maternal feelings toward Thomas. But rather he almost understands my lack of feeling given the time for me in which I was pregnant.

  Z acknowledges there was just too much happening at the time for me to feel for the baby, too. But he believes had my life not been filled with mental and emotional upheavals; the trials, Marcus' death and the constant upset and shock I endured throughout my pregnancy, I may have been able to relax a little about the pregnancy. He thinks I was unable to embrace the pregnancy because I had to endure so much throughout it.

  I'm not sure if that's true, and we'll never know for sure, so I let him believe that of me because I wish that was true of me as well.

  Mack seems to think there is a time when the sorrow of the loss will hit me as my own, but I'm not sure of that either. I feel everything for my friends and for Z now, but Mack and I are unsure if these feelings have slowly come back to me, or if they've essentially regrown, after my slight personality change from the coma and from the PTA.

  So feeling for Thomas may become my loss one day, or Thomas may stay a sympathetic pain for me, that is only lived as Z's pain. I really don't know what will happen.

  But there is no pressure for another child between us. Z and I both know I'm not ready, and we both acknowledge I may never be ready to have a child, and Z's okay with that. Z admitted that he himself wasn't sure about ever having children in his future, but once I was pregnant, it was then that he wanted Thomas. So again, we'll see what the future holds.

  I don't think I'll ever change my opinion on motherhood. I'm pretty sure I'll always be too afraid to bring a child into this world, though I'll admit I am curious as to what a baby between Z and I would be like.