Reasons Only Time Allows

by Micah Thomas

  Thelon, terribly alone in his secret thoughts, focused on navigating the increasing traffic as they entered Phoenix. Lanes merged and doubled in eight-tentacled tangles. He didn’t know the cross streets of where Cassie might be. Which of the suburbs was which? Tempe? Chandler? Gilbert? I should tell Henry I’m incompetent, not a fearless leader.

  He’d programmed the GPS to take him to a Circle K. There were fifty of them between the city and suburbs. One would right. It was across the street from a strip mall that housed a hospice center, the name of which he never knew. Damn. Where is my golden brick road?

  They worked outward. Off the highway, they drove a mile through surface streets to a Circle K, each dingier than the last. One went in to buy something and ask the clerk if they knew if there was a hospice or medical center. The clerks were uniformly the same woman at each location: a sun-dried Iggy Pop looking thing with a voice that said they’d smoked a pack or two since they were twelve.

  It was nine a. m. in Tempe when they found the right Circle K. Henry came back to the car and said, “To be honest with you, I’m sick of slurpees.”

  “What did they say?”

  “Look across the street.” Henry gestured with his hand holding the last Big Gulp of the morning. “You ready?”

  When there was a break in traffic, Thelon drove them across the street and said, “Just wait.”

  “For what, dude?”

  Thelon didn’t know what he was waiting for, but something inside said it wasn’t time yet. This is why they were here, no question. I need a minute. I’m bargaining. I’m stalling. I need a sign.

  So, they waited and listened to the local shock jock rock station where a zany sidekick played dumb to enhance the marginal humor of the smartass lead. Henry chuckled, but Thelon rolled his eyes in distaste.

  After an hour, Henry said, “Yo, I gotta pee.”

  “Go back to the Circle K.” Thelon was a bit annoyed, but his bladder was full, too. What am I waiting for?

  Alone, Thelon’s mind blanked and he stared at the ridges in the steering wheel, lost in the absence of thought. He jumped in his seat when Henry returned and slammed the door behind him.

  “Hey, we have company.”

  Thelon looked at Henry and saw worry in his face.

  “Not me, doofus. Look.”

  A cop car had parked next to them and Thelon hadn’t even noticed. How did I miss that? Thelon glanced as casually as he could manage over at the cop. He nodded as if to say, “All good here, Officer.” A Black cop. In his 50s. Stern looking. Lean and wary.Then it hit him: Oh, fuck. I know that dude.

  The cop made no sign of mutual recognition as he returned Thelon’s gaze. The officer was black, older than Thelon, in his forties. His face was stern, and Thelon’s emotions tumbled back in time as the sense of being a kid caught stealing filled him. He had to remind himself that he’d done nothing wrong as the cop got out and approached.

  Thelon heard Henry let out long sigh and shift in his seat. He glanced at Henry and forced a smile, but said nothing as he lowered the window.

  “Gentlemen,” the cop said.

  “Good morning, Officer Sanders,” Thelon said. No fucking way.

  “Do I know you, young man?”

  Thelon realized he’d already goofed up. “Uh, no. I, uh…just read your badge.”

  Officer Sanders squinted and looked hard at Thelon, then Henry. “We received a call that two men were loitering in this parking lot. Do you have business here by any chance?”

  Henry said, “Yeah, we’re going to the doctor.”

  Officer Sanders looked over at the hospice. “Okay. That might be true. Would you mind letting me look at your license and registration?”

  Thelon fumbled for his license and reached over Henry to the glove compartment.

  “Take your time. Nothing too fast, okay?” Officer Sanders said.

  “It’s a rental,” Thelon explained and offered the paperwork to him.

  “What about you?” Officer Sanders said to Henry. “Got an ID?”

  Henry leaned peered up at Sanders with a smile. “Officer, I don’t have my ID with me, but I can give my vitals if that helps.”

  Officer Sanders took down Henry’s info. “You two hold tight and I’ll be right back.”

  Once the cop returned to his patrol car, Henry said with wide eyes, “You know him. How do you know him? I feel like I know him, too.”

  Thelon sighed. “We both do. He arrested me in another life.”

  “You? Mr. Do Right? Arrested for what?”

  “Murder,” Thelon said in a muffled voice.

  “Oh, fuck. Tell me about it later. Here he comes.”

  Thelon shook his head.

  Henry farted and apologized for it, but the cop was back now, leaning in the window.

  “You are a long way from home, Thelonious. A long way,” Officer Sanders said and handed Thelon back his paperwork.

  “Yeah,” Thelon agreed.

  “I don’t know how things are where you live, but we have an opioid epidemic here in Arizona as in most of the country. Some types attempt to solicit the palliative medications available to the sick and dying at offices like this. You two wouldn’t be that type, would you?”

  “No, sir,” Thelon said and cleared his throat. “Absolutely not.”

  “Well, nothing came up on either of you, so I’ll be on my way.”

  “Thank you,” Henry said.

  Officer Sanders paused, gave them both that stern look again. “But when I come back in an hour, I expect you two to either be inside taking care of whatever business brings you here or gone. You understand me?”

  “Absolutely,” Thelon said, and Henry nodded.

  With that, Officer Sanders got in his car and drove off.

  “Jesus Christ,” Henry said. “Can we just go? I don’t care where.”

  A painful tingle made Thelon realize he’d have a sunburn on his left arm from being in the driver’s seat for so long. He couldn’t imagine living here. Let’s make the pickup and get the hell out of town. Yeah right. We aren’t kidnapping her. They’d been waiting too long, and after the cop, he knew the show needed to get started. It was uncomfortably hot in the car, even with the AC running.

  Then, there she was. Thelon knew it was her from the moment she pulled into a spot reserved for employees. Must be nice, coming to work at ten a.m. She was short and stocky in her Navy blue scrubs; beautiful. Brown skin, black hair pulled up, even at the distance Thelon could see the determination in her features, strong nose, downturned lips. He watched as she walked across the parking lot and fiddled with the key code at the door of the hospice center. Classy place. Must be fine-quality medical assistance to be in a strip mall.

  “Dude, that’s her. Look,” he said to Henry, who had been nodding off.

  Henry shifted in his seat to get a better view. “I see her.”

  “Go on then.”

  “I’m not doing this in the parking lot. You think I want to get a face full of mace?”

  “Bro, she’s your soul mate. I know this. You know this.”

  “You told me—not that I believe you what-so-fucking ever—that I ruined this chick in another universe. What part of that makes me want to do it again?”

  Thelon took a deep breath. He couldn’t believe he was doing this—trying to get the band back together—but the stakes were high. “Henry, I found you and got you this far. Don’t you believe me by now that I know what I’m doing? Everything is riding on this. Last time this played out, you didn’t get a choice. You were roped into the mess like I was. You can choose this time. Do nothing and let another world end, or man up and do your best.”

  Henry slouched in his seat and wiped sweat from his palms onto his thighs. “What if I fuck it up again?”

  Thelon thought hard about this. He’d traveled across the country to Seattle and found Henry. Convinced him to come with him to Phoenix. That’s not true. Henry had just, like, gone along with it. She’ll do the same. Thelon co
ntinued to contradict himself with rationalizations. Even if Henry hadn’t been convinced of the truth—that he was important, that doing this was important—it had worked. He needed them both: Henry and Cassie. One wouldn’t be enough to stop the madness Thelon knew was waiting to spill over from another world—if that was even what they were trying to do.

  “Could be, we fuck up,” Thelon admitted. “I don’t even want to get into what would happen if we do, but forget that shit for a minute. I once saw you do something awesome and terrible in order to do what was right.”

  Henry cocked his head and listened.

  Remember! Dude, remember! “Some part of you wants to do it again. I believe it. You think no one ever gave you a shot in your entire shitty life? This is that shot.”

  Henry breathed a series of deep and long breathes, ran his fingers through his hair and said, “You’re right. I’m cool. I’m ready.”

  Is that it? He just goes along with it? Something about Henry’s moods unsettled Thelon. On one hand, Thelon was glad Henry was ready, but really? One second ago he’s saying no, and now, he’s fine? Despite what he’d just assured Henry, Thelon was unwell. This is a disaster.

  “Do we go in together?” Henry asked, now gung-ho about completing his mission.

  “I don’t think so.”

  “So, what’s the plan? I can’t exactly have a seizure and start a fire.”

  “No. You’re right. It has to be different this time around.”

  “How about we go in asking for, you know, like you’re thinking about putting your pops in here.”

  “Yeah. That could work.”

  “He’s getting old and maybe he’s really sick with something?”

  Thelon realized this could be true one day and the idea upset him. He was on this adventure. He’d run away in the past life–the past that didn’t happen. Here in this life, his folks might need him to take care of them.

  “Hey man, you okay?” Henry asked.

  “Yeah. How are we going to get to Cassie?”

  “While you’re doing your thing, I’ll do mine.”

  Uncomfortable letting Henry drive this part, Thelon gave in because he didn’t have any other ideas. Nestor said to find Cassie and Henry but hadn’t told him anything about how to get them together. Everything moved too fast. A terrible itch burned the skin on the back of his neck the center of his stomach as if an invisible line of stitches connected them and tugged outward at the same time. No, no, no. Thelon held in a groan.

  Henry got out and headed up to the door, so Thelon followed despite his sickening physical anxiety. Thelon’s brain disconnected and Henry pressed the buzzer at the door with a smooth smile plastered on his face.

  The door unlocked and they entered the dingy off-white lobby. Old water spots on the drop ceiling. The usual medical office smell of cleaning chemicals.

  “How can we help you?” asked the lady at the front desk.

  Henry looked to Thelon and waited a moment, expecting him to start, but Thelon froze.

  “My friend here, his father is unwell.”

  “Yes,” Thelon said.

  The receptionist said nothing but held his gaze.

  Henry continued as Thelon stood like a lump. “We were wondering if we could get some information about your services.”

  “Who is your insurance with?”

  “Um…” Henry said. “Good coverage. The best.”

  “Uh huh. Are you his legal guardian?”

  “No. Not yet, but that will happen soon,” Henry added.

  “Well, we have a pamphlet.”

  “We were actually hoping we could check it out.”

  “Sir, we have residents here and we have to protect their privacy and comfort.”

  Henry leaned over the counter and spoke in a hushed voice. “Listen, this is really an awful time for my friend. We won’t take up much of your day, and it would mean a lot him.”

  The receptionist, as if suddenly understanding something, quietly asked, “Are you two partners? Is that it?”

  Henry smiled. “You got it. It’s, um…well, you know how people can be.”

  “My son is trans. I completely understand. Please have a seat and I’ll see if someone can take you around.”

  They sat down and Henry said, “Good mugging. That sourpuss face did the trick.”

  Thing was, Thelon wasn’t acting. He was sincere in his confusion and the concern for his folks. He couldn’t think his way through the fog. I should say something. Right? What am I supposed to do? What would T do?

  The big door to the patient corridor opened, and for Thelon, the hallway filled with light. Cassie. There she was again. This time, he really saw her. Cassie glowed like an indigenous angel. He saw her in a second sight, her form radiant. Complete. Brighter than anyone in the hall around her, more focused, less aimless. For Thelon, it was like seeing God.

  Another nurse stepped in front of her and welcomed them. “Thelonyy…Thelonsius? Mr. Brown?”

  “That’s our ride,” Henry said and stood up. “Go time.”

  Thelon joined him and they took the tour.

  The nurse said, “More and more, hospice and palliative care is something people prefer to do at home, around their own comforts. Our facility is a little different in this regard. For individuals who lack the resources for home support or are otherwise displaced or unable to maintain a home with current help, we do in-patient residencies.”

  Thelon nodded.

  “We have doctors on call, but our staff is comprised of nurses and orderlies. Specialists, like for music therapy, can be arranged as well.”

  Henry paused. “Excuse me, is there a restroom?”

  “Down the hall to the left. Please do not go into any other rooms out of respect for our residents.”

  “Of course. Be right back.”

  The nurse took Thelon into an empty room. “This is the basic model. As you see, more of a studio apartment than a hospital room. Comfort is our utmost consideration. Any questions for me?”

  The room was depressing. Larger than a prison cell, but too small to accommodate more furniture than a bed, nightstand, and a folding chair.

  “Uh, yeah, no windows?” Thelon gestured to the blacked-out glass covered by a colorful curtain.

  “It gets extremely hot in Arizona. Unfortunately, windows are not really an option. Some residents do like themed wall decals. We have rooms where this wall is decorated with a full-sized beach photo, or a cabin in the woods. This helps the claustrophobia of being shut in here.”

  “I see. Um…how long do they stay?” I’m not really here. This isn’t real.

  “Everyone is different. Not all residents are terminal, but many are. For palliative care, we responsibly administer meds, spend time talking without any agenda. The front desk mentioned you’re considering us for your mother?”

  “Uh, no. My father. I, um…I appreciate...” He gestured with his hands, which came across as something nice about the whole facility. “Seems like a really good place.”

  “I’ve been doing hospice work for thirty years and I can tell you, this is as good as it gets. Modern methodologies. Lots of new ideas coming from the nearby university programs. It’s not the old days of locked in a room, doped out until you pass. We care. I care.”

  Thelon blanked. Information. Meaningless information. What am I supposed to do?

  Henry peeked in the room. “Hey, you ready to go?”

  Thelon said, “Um, yeah?”

  As Henry ushered Thelon back through the doors, he turned, and Cassie was there by the front desk. “So, we’ll see you later?” Henry asked.

  Cassie smiled at them both with a funny ‘yeah right’ look in her eye “We’ll see.”

  “Dude?” Thelon asked.

  “Not now,” Henry whispered.

  They got to the car and Henry wore the biggest smile Thelon had seen on him yet.

  “You certainly are pleased with yourself.”

  Henry placed his hand on Thelon’s s
houlder. “Well, yeah. You totally went zombie mode and I saved the day.”

  “Huh. I did. I couldn’t talk. How did you do it?”

  Henry waved his hands in the air with a flourish. “It’s like this: sometimes, you are standing still in time and time moves past you like a river. Other times, like today, I’m standing in a pool, and I’m the one moving through it. That’s how it felt. My whole life, I was standing still, and now I’m in motion. Feels good, man.”

  Thelon closed his eyes and his head fell forward a little as the stress of the encounter poured out of him. “Thank you.”

  “You are totally welcome. Can we please get something to eat and find somewhere to sleep? It was exhausting pretending to be normal for that long.”

  Thelon smiled now. He hadn’t done a thing and it worked. While there was madness and something terrible about his journey—in addition to rising and falling panic and dissociation—he also felt some grace guiding him on rails, and he tried to trust it like fate. It’s not my path I’m on. It’s Henry’s. A counter thought made itself known: this is just the easy part. The beginning, still. It’s gonna get rough. Thelon sighed at his own predictions and tried instead to join Henry’s glee as he steered back onto the road to get them in a hotel.

  ~

  HOURS LATER, BOTH of them optimistic and dressed in fresh clothes, they waited for Cassie at the sport’s bar and brewery in the early evening. Thelon wanted a drink so badly his mouth watered and stomach grumbled, but he resisted. I need to be sober for this. He also resisted pressing Henry to confirm that this was the place she’d said she’d meet them. Having their conversation be this private thing outside of his sight unnerved him.

  “Five, six, seven,” Henry craned his neck over his shoulder, “eight, nine, ten. Damn.”

  “What are you doing?” Thelon asked as he tried to make sense of the enormous menu of wings.

  “Counting TVs. They have a lot of TVs. Do you follow sports?”

  “I don’t know,” Thelon said, distracted. “I don’t think so.”

  “Oh yeah. Amnesia. How’s that going, by the way? Remember anything about who you were?”

  “Yeah. Like, I dream about it. These flashes of story, but it’s no big deal. Boring shit.”