I can hear Sam inhale deeply, and I can just imagine him pinching the bridge of his nose. “Carter, your ex? The guy you were so in love with that you wouldn’t even give me a single chance for years?”
I shake my head as though he can see me and squeeze my eyes closed. “No, it wasn’t because of him,” I say, knowing full well that I’m lying to both him and myself.
“Emilia,” he whispers. “I don’t know what to say. I thought he was just someone you dated at college. You never even told me he’s someone from your hometown. What does this mean? Do you see him every day now? How come you’re only just bringing this up now? You’ve been there for a week.”
I need to tell him the full truth, but I didn’t think it’d be this hard. “I… about that… actually, before I even got here, my dad had already moved in with Carter. He’s got this chef that cooks for my dad in accordance with his doctor’s instructions, and he’s got a personal trainer too. I’ve been meaning to tell you, but our conversations have been so short, with the time difference and all. I guess I also just didn’t want to worry you needlessly.”
My heart beats loudly as I wait for Sam’s reply. I feel like I’m letting him down, and I hate that.
“Carter… he’s not Carter Clarke, is he?” Sam asks, sounding tense.
I inhale deeply before replying. “I— yes.”
“Your ex-boyfriend is the CEO of one of the most influential technology companies of all time? Clarke Reed is headquartered in Woodstock, isn’t it?” he whispers, seemingly more to himself than to me.
“Technically, yes. But I don’t care about any of that, Sam. He’s just Carter to me. Besides, I barely even see him. And it’s only you I want, Sam.”
The words come out rushed, and I worry that he won’t believe me. I swallow hard as he falls silent.
“I’m not comfortable with this, Emilia. I’m not comfortable with you staying in his house. Because that’s where you’re staying, isn’t it?”
I fall back on my bed and sigh. “Yes. I’m sorry, I should’ve told you the second I got here. But honestly, all I’ve been able to think about is my dad. I’ve barely even seen Carter. We’ve spoken maybe a handful of sentences to each other. It’s not a big deal, I swear. Besides, he’s got a girlfriend anyway,” I say, thinking of Layla.
“Not according to Google, he doesn’t,” Sam says, sounding angry.
“Are you seriously googling him right now?” I run a hand through my hair and sigh. “According to my dad, he does have a girlfriend. Not that it even matters. If I wanted to be with him, I’d have come back home years ago. I didn’t, Sam. I need you to trust me, okay?”
He inhales deeply before replying. “I do. I do trust you, Emilia. But I can’t help but worry, nonetheless. I’d be insecure if he wasn’t who he was. The worst thing is that I actually look up to the guy. The medical research his company is doing is phenomenal, and I hate that, you know? I hate everything about this.”
“I know,” I whisper. “I wish things were different too. I want nothing more than to be in London with you. I wish my dad was fine and none of this was happening. But it is, Sam.”
He groans. “Shit, I’m sorry, Emilia. I’m being ridiculous. Put your dad first, okay? I’m sorry. I wish you weren’t staying with Carter Clarke, but I’ll deal with it. I know you’re mine, and I know you’re loyal. Besides, I was able to get a few weeks off next month, thanks to the endless overtime I’ve worked, so I’ll come see you and your dad, all right?”
I bite down on my lip, a twinge of unease settling in the pit of my stomach. Sam and I agreed that he’d come visit as soon as possible, but that was before I realized I’d be staying with Carter. “You don’t have to spend your entire annual leave on a trip here,” I say carefully. “But I’d love to see you. I’d love to show you the town I grew up in.”
Sam chuckles. “I can’t wait to see it, and to meet the people you grew up with.”
I inhale deeply. Is there even a single place I could take him where I don’t have memories with Carter? I shake my head in an attempt to clear the memories. I can’t go down memory lane.
“I can’t wait,” I tell him.
“I can’t wait to see you,” he says. “I love you, Emilia.”
I stare up at my ceiling blankly, my heart filled with a dull ache. “I love you, too,” I murmur, but for the first time in a long time, I’m questioning my feelings. If I love him like I’ve convinced myself I do, why don’t I miss him? Why don’t I need him when things are so tough? Why don’t I crave his arms?
Chapter 11
Carter
I walk into the kitchen at six in the morning, only half surprised to find Emilia standing in front of the coffee machine, dressed in that prissy way she likes nowadays. A tight black skirt that hugs her ass beautifully, and a pink blouse that I’m sure will cup her breasts perfectly. I’m already anticipating her turning around so I can get a better view.
I lean back against the wall and watch her for just a couple of seconds. I barely even recognize her. She doesn’t smile the way she used to, and she no longer has that mischievous look in her eyes that I used to love about her. It’s like time has chipped away at everything that made her so her. I wonder if she even owns any jeans anymore. I know for a fact that she rarely leaves the house, yet she wears these stuffy clothes and those hot fucking heels every single day.
I push away from the wall and Emilia turns, surprised. Her eyes widen when they land on me and I bite back a smile when her gaze roams over my body, lingering on my abs. She bites down on her lips, and I swallow hard. Looks like she enjoys my fresh from the gym look.
“Morning,” I murmur, my voice gravely.
Emilia snaps out of it and looks up at me, her cheeks pink. “Good morning, Carter,” she says, and the tone she uses irritates me. Everything that comes out of her mouth sounds so fucking formal. I look at her with raised brows and walk towards her to grab myself a cup of coffee.
“Where are you going this early in the morning?” I ask her, my eyes running over her body. I fucking knew it. Her breasts look amazing in that blouse. Why the hell is she still this beautiful?
Emilia blinks up at me. “Oh, nowhere. I have no plans. I was thinking of having breakfast with my dad, and then I’ll have to see. I thought it might be nice to go into town.”
I frown and lean back against the counter as I take a sip of my coffee. “You have zero plans, yet you’re dressed like you’re going to work. What’s up with that?”
Emilia looks away, a flash of annoyance lighting up her eyes. “I can’t very well walk around in my pajamas.”
I bite down on my lip and her eyes follow my every move. “Hmm, I recall you lounging in my t-shirts all day, back when we lived together. If I recall correctly, you once tried to convince me that bras are torture devices concocted by misogynists.” My eyes drop to her breasts and I lick my lips. “Looks like you’ve had a change of heart, huh? Here you are, definitely wearing a bra, voluntarily. You certainly don’t need to on my account.”
When my eyes travel back up to hers, she’s staring at me wide-eyed. I grin at her and she blinks, her cheeks reddening. “I… that’s… what?”
I bite back a smile. “I said you don’t need to wear a bra on my account. If anything, I prefer you without the damn things on.”
Emilia looks shocked, and I can’t help but chuckle. That’s more like it. At least that damn prissy expression of hers has cracked. She glares at me and crosses her arms over each other, covering up her breasts.
“What would Layla think if she heard you say that? Do you have no respect for your girlfriend, Carter?”
I take another sip of my coffee and look at her leisurely. “Why should I care what she thinks? I’ve only ever had one girlfriend, and it was never her. It never will be, either, and she knows that,” I say. I see the surprise in Emilia’s eyes and I love it.
“So, like Dad said, you’re just shagging her?”
I burst out laughing. “Shagging?�
�� I repeat. “That word sounds ridiculous coming out of those pretty lips of yours.”
Emilia looks away, the edges of her lips tipping up just slightly. I push away from the counter and walk up to her, pausing right in front of her. Emilia looks up at me and I place my finger underneath her chin, keeping her eyes on mine.
“Yes, I was fucking Layla. It didn’t mean a thing. But you… you’re moving in with some guy, aren’t you? What’s next? You marrying him, Emilia? Are you dreaming of becoming his little wife?”
I lock my jaw in anger at the mere thought of her living with someone else. Does that asshole get to wake up to her? Spend lazy Sundays in bed with her?
“Was?” she repeats. “You were fucking her or you are?”
Out of everything I just said to her, that’s what she’s focusing on? Interesting. “Does it matter?”
Emilia takes a step away from me and grits her teeth. “No, I guess not. She seemed pretty damn upset to see me yesterday, so if you’re still with her, you might want to reassure her or something.”
I freeze. “Where did you see her?”
Emilia looks away. “I went in to get my blood tests done. I know Dad won’t agree to it easily, but if I can, I’d like to donate my kidney.”
My heart fucking drops. She got the blood tests done already? She’s only been here for a little over a week. “You can’t. I’ll find a solution, Emilia. You aren’t doing that.”
She crosses her arms over each other and stares me down. “It’s my choice, and my mind is made up.”
“I’m sure Layla will have told you this, but for women the main risks are related to pregnancy. Are you aware that women who get pregnant after donating a kidney have a lower likelihood of full-term deliveries and a higher likelihood of fetal loss? What about those two kids you told me you wanted to have? A boy and a girl, right?”
I still remember her lying in bed with me, dreaming out loud about the children we’d one day have. She told me they’d have my eyes and her nose, and that our son would be a mini me. I remember how fiercely she wanted all of that. I know not every woman wants to have children, but the Emilia I used to know was close to picking their damn names.
She glares at me, a flicker of something dark in her eyes. “Layla told you all that? I’m well aware. Sam is a doctor too, and he ran me through all the risks. I’m fine with it.”
She’s dating a doctor, huh? Why couldn’t he have been some sort of fuck up? Why did it have to be a fucking doctor? I inhale deeply and shake my head.
“No. You aren’t doing this. I’m not having you risk your health like that, and neither will your dad. The recovery will be brutal, and the health-related consequences will impact you for the rest of your life. I’ll find a black-market donor before I ever let you risk your life.”
She looks at me with those stubborn eyes of hers and I almost grin at her. She’s still got that spark. She just keeps it hidden.
“You’re crazy if you think you can tell me what to do. There’s nothing I won’t do to save my father’s life. He would’ve done the same for me,” she says, pushing past me.
She slams the kitchen door behind her, and I sigh. There’s no way I’m going to get her to change her mind. If nothing else, I need to keep her from getting her hands on those blood tests. For now, at least.
Chapter 12
Emilia
I’m still reeling from my conversation with Carter this morning. I hate all these memories that are suddenly assailing me. I’ve never once imagined myself having a child with Sam, but I wanted children with Carter. I wanted it so badly that I could even imagine what they’d look like. I wanted everything with him. I wanted him to propose and I wanted to call him my fiancé before finally getting to call him my husband. I wanted to be Mrs. Emilia Clarke, yet I can’t even imagine being Mrs. Emilia Holden. I guess it’s because I’m older now. I don’t have time for childish fantasies anymore.
“What are you thinking about so hard?” Dad asks.
I blink at him and adjust his blanket. He’s hooked up to his dialysis machine, and according to the clock we only have a couple of minutes left. I shake my head and smile at my dad. “It’s nothing, Daddy.”
Dad smiles at me and brushes my hair out of my face. “You know you don’t have to sit here with me every day. It just makes me feel bad. Why don’t you help Carter out with work? That boy has done so much for me, but I can’t repay him myself. Why don’t you spend a few hours a day working with him? I won’t feel so guilty about leeching off him, then.”
I’m about to make an excuse, but dad holds up his finger. “And don’t give me that crap about your work contract in London. You’re a lawyer. Find a loophole.”
I sigh. He’s not leaving me much choice, and he’s right. I can’t even imagine how much all of this equipment costs, and then there’s the nurse, the chef and the personal trainer. Carter has gone all out.
“Fine. I’ll talk to him and check what he might need help with. I just wanted to spend as much time with you as possible, Dad.”
The timer goes off and Dad yanks the needle out, startling his nurse. She runs up to him and shakes her head anxiously, and Dad sits back in annoyance. I glare at him and cross my arms over each other. “Let her do her job,” I warn him.
“Fine, but I’m tired of staying in. Let’s go for a drive, shall we? I need to pick up some stuff from the house anyway.”
I nod and lead Dad to the front door, but he pulls on my hand and shakes his head. “This way,” he tells me. He walks me to a garage that houses five different cars. All supercars, it seems. Dad grabs a set of keys from the hook by the door and walks straight up to a red car. He throws the keys my way and I shake my head.
“Dad, I don’t think we should be driving any of these. I’ve been borrowing your old car. It’s parked out front.”
Dad shrugs and gets into the red sports car without a single worry. “It’s fine,” he says. “Carter won’t mind you driving this.”
I bite down on my lip nervously. There’s no reason for Dad to lie to me, but I’m anxious nonetheless. These cars all look really expensive, and I wouldn’t put it past myself to accidentally dent or scratch them.
“Come on, Emilia,” Dad shouts, and I jump into action. I get into the car and just sit there for a minute. It isn’t until Dad snaps at me again that I finally drive out of the garage.
I smile up at our house and park right in front of it. My full focus has been on Dad since I got here. I haven’t even visited my old house yet. I’m excited as I step out of the car, only to freeze when the door to the house next to ours opens.
Helen walks out with a wide smile on her face, and my heart twists painfully. I look away, hoping we can both just pretend we didn’t see each other, but Dad waves at her.
“Helen, darling, how are ya?” he shouts, and I grimace. It’s been eight years. Of course, he’s on good terms with our neighbors. I’m sure she’s looked out for Dad in the time that I wasn’t here to do it myself, but I can’t stand to look at her nonetheless. I still vividly remember her handing me her credit card and asking me to move out of the place Carter and I shared. I remember her telling me that I shouldn’t make things harder on Carter by staying. I always thought of her as the mother I never had, but in the end, blood is thicker than water.
I nod at her politely and tug on my dad’s arm. “Emilia,” Dad murmurs. “Come on, let’s drop by and say hi.”
I look up at him, my eyes flashing with rage. “No. I will not keep you from greeting our neighbors, but I refuse to join you in doing so,” I tell him defensively. I know I’m hiding behind the lawyer persona I’ve built for myself, and it isn’t fair on Dad, but I can’t help myself either. I do it without thinking. “I’m happy to wait in the car for you, or alternatively, you can let me into the house,” I add, my voice soft.
Dad looks at me, and for a second he looks so defeated, that I almost want to give in. But then he nods in understanding and waves at Helen as he leads me to the fro
nt door. Just seeing her again ruined my entire mood. Logically, I understand her choosing her daughter’s happiness over mine, but at the same time, I can’t forgive her for it. I can’t forgive her for all the pain she caused and all the blame she placed on me. The only sin I ever committed was loving her son. I didn’t deserve to be treated the way I was, especially not by a woman I loved like she was my own mother.
I walk into my old bedroom, my entire body tense with anger, and I lean back against my closed door. Everything is still the same. I stand there for a minute, just staring into Carter’s room. How many times have I stood here, watching him? I sigh and push away from the door, slowly walking through my bedroom. I rummage through my wardrobe and pause on a tee I once stole from Carter. My fingers linger over the fabric, and I carefully take it off the hanger. I try my best not to overthink it as I fold it and put it in my handbag. They’re just jammies, that’s all.
I frown when I hear the sound of a sports car, and for just a second I worry I left the key in the ignition. I stick my head out the window and find Carter stepping out of a sleek black sports car. He looks up, and my traitorous heart skips a beat.
Chapter 13
Carter
I walk up to John’s house, a scowl on my face. He knows damn well no one is allowed to drive my babies but me. What the hell was he thinking, taking my Ferrari out? If Mom hadn’t asked me to come over tonight, I probably wouldn’t even have found out.
Instead of ringing the bell, I use my key and walk straight in, fuming. I find him sitting on the sofa, and he grins up at me smugly when he sees me storm in.
“You…” I say threateningly.
“Hey, Carter,” Emilia says from behind me, and I turn around to face her. “What are you doing here?” she asks.
The Ruins Of Us (Mayhem Book 3) Page 5
