The Ruins Of Us (Mayhem Book 3)

by Catharina Maura

  Carter raises his glass and hands it to me. I take it from him carefully and take a sip, the liquor burning through my throat. I resist the urge to cough and take another sip. A drink is exactly what I needed.

  Carter looks at me, his eyes heated, and I pray that he won’t realize that my body still responds to his proximity the way it always has. I’m hyperaware of him. Carter has always been in my very veins, even when I don’t want him to be. I thought time might have changed things, but it hasn’t. The second I laid eyes on him every feeling I thought I buried came rushing back.

  “What’s Sam’s full name?”

  I blink, surprised at the question. “It’s Samuel Michael Holden.”

  “Hmm,” Carter says, the edges of his fingertips brushing over my chest. “Then why is it my initials that are embroidered on this t-shirt?”

  I look down with wide eyes. How could I have forgotten about that? It’s tiny, but right over my left breast there is indeed a small little monogram, a relic from Helen’s embroidery phase. I blink, my cheeks bright red. Thank god it’s late at night and the lights are dimmed.

  Carter moves closer to me and I inhale sharply. He’s far too close. Just one single step, and his body would be pressed against mine. I should move away, but I’m frozen. It’s been years since he and I have been this close, and try as I might, I can’t make myself push him away.

  “I have newer t-shirts, you know,” he whispers. “I’m surprised you haven’t sneaked into my bedroom yet. There’s so much shit for you to steal. I have a whole collection of hoodies that you can borrow, and so many t-shirts that you’ll never run out of pajamas, though I much prefer you without them anyway. But if you must wear them, then I guess I like you best in my tees. But then again, I haven’t seen you in one of my dress shirts yet. I can just imagine it… I think I might just like that better.”

  I’m breathing hard and my eyes fall closed just as he presses a soft kiss to my shoulder. I try my best to harden my heart and step away from him. I can’t even bare to look at him. “Please,” I whisper. “Don’t do this, Carter. I’m in a relationship. I love Sam. I want to be with him. Don’t do this. Let’s not go down memory lane.”

  He looks up at me, anger flashing through his eyes. “You love him?” he whispers, and I nod. Carter smiles at me, but there isn’t a trace of humor in his expression. “Does he make you laugh? Does he know how to make you sigh, how to make you moan, how to make you scream his name? Does he bring out your devious side? Does he make you lower that damn shield you’ve put up?”

  Carter takes a step away from me and shakes his head. “You don’t love him, Emilia. You want to love him, but you don’t. He doesn’t own you the way I did, and you know it.”

  Carter walks away and I stare after him, terrified that he might be right.

  Chapter 16

  Carter

  “What’s wrong with you?” Asher asks.

  I glance up from my screen to look at him, a frown on my face. “What?”

  “You’ve been absentminded all day. What’s going on?”

  I hesitate and run a hand through my hair. He’s been trying to run me through a potential acquisition he’s excited about, and I should probably be paying more attention. I really should have told him. “I offered Emilia a job here,” I say cautiously. “Told her we could use her legal expertise.”

  Asher freezes and then looks away, his expression troubled. “Are you sure you want to do this, Carter? She’s got a boyfriend, doesn’t she? Has she even spoken to your mother or your sister yet?”

  It’s been years since I’ve heard him say Kate’s name. His wounds seem to be as deep as mine, yet we’ve both mastered the art of pretending like we’re fine.

  “I know she does, and no, she hasn’t. But does it matter? Does any of that matter, Asher? I let her go years ago because I was trying to put my family first, and because Emilia was right. We couldn’t have survived the total chaos our lives had turned into. But now? What’s holding me back now?”

  Asher looks up at me and shakes his head. “The fact that she has a boyfriend, Carter. She has an entire life back in London. A life she’ll go back to, eventually. Where will that leave you? It took you years to get over her, man. I saw you tearing yourself apart for years, burying yourself in more work than any man should reasonably do. For years you were barely even alive. You’re finally at a stage where you’re happy again. I don’t want to see you fall apart, man. Not again,” he says, an anguished expression on his face. For years Asher was worried sick about me, and he’s right. I was a fucking wreck for far longer than I want to even admit to.

  “Besides, what will Emilia have here?” Asher says, his tone cautious. “Just because so much time has passed doesn’t mean that her wounds have healed. Don’t you remember how your mother treated her? The things your sister has said and done? Because I do. I remember Emilia crying her heart out over you and your family. Being with you means she’ll have to confront all of those memories. If she’s with you, she’ll have to smile at your sister and your mom at every single family occasion, even if it kills her. And because it’s Emilia, she will. She’d tear her own heart out if it made you happy. Can you put her through that during every Sunday family dinner? Can you bare the alternative, which would be either you not going at all and letting your mother down, or leaving Emilia at home and making her feel like she’s letting you down? You can’t ask any of that of her. You can’t, Carter. You can’t pursue her if you can’t make her happier than her boyfriend can.”

  I look out the window and watch my red Ferrari approach. Emilia parks right in front of the building and steps out of the car, unaware of all the attention she’s getting. She’s always been clueless like that. She never realized how beautiful she is. How incredible she is.

  I tear my eyes away from her and look back at Asher. This is exactly why I didn’t tell him that I offered Emilia a job. Because I knew he’d say the very things I didn’t want to hear — but needed to. “It’s just a job,” I say, my mood ruined. “All I offered her was a job. Besides, I told her she can work from home so she can be with her dad. She’ll only ever really come in for meetings she can’t miss.”

  Asher shakes his head. “It’s never that simple when it comes to Emilia. Don’t ruin the life she’s so painstakingly built for herself. Don’t pull her back into the life she tried so hard to escape. Don’t seek out hurt, Carter.”

  I’m still thinking of his words hours later, when I walk into a meeting that I asked Emilia to be present for. I was planning on onboarding her myself, but thanks to Asher, that was left to Human Resources. I know he’s trying to look after her in his own way, but he’s irritating the hell out of me.

  Emilia looks up with wide eyes as I walk in, and it takes me a second to realize that it isn’t even me she’s looking at with such happiness. She rises from her seat and walks straight past me, practically throwing herself in Asher’s arms. He hugs her tightly and presses a kiss to her hair. “Hey, Milly,” he murmurs, tightening his grip on her. She hugs him, her body pressed to his.

  I look at Asher through narrowed eyes and grit my teeth. If he doesn’t let go of her in the next couple of seconds, he won’t be coding shit for the next couple of weeks. Hell, he won’t be using his arm at all.

  Asher looks at me, his eyes twinkling with amusement, and he squeezes her tighter before he lets go of her. I didn’t even realize my entire body had tensed until she takes a step away from him, and I can finally breathe easy again.

  “My gosh, how have you been? You look amazing,” Emilia says, sounding excited. She didn’t even show me an ounce of that excitement when she saw me again. Matter of fact, she wasn’t even remotely excited. If anything, she seemed perfectly unaffected. I’ve never been jealous of my best friend, but right now, in this moment, I am. I can’t believe he got to hold her in his arms the very second he saw her, yet she jumped out of mine the second she laid eyes on me.

  Asher places his hand on her lower back as he w
alks her back to her seat, and much to my annoyance, he takes the seat next to hers. The one I’d been eyeing. I bet he fucking knows what he’s doing too. I know he’s right. I know I should stay away from her. But fucking hell, it’s Emilia.

  I can’t focus at all during the meeting and keep nodding absentmindedly, earning me a few kicks from Asher. Eight years, and my heart still races at the sight of her. She’s still the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. Asher is right, though. I need to put her happiness first, and no matter how hard I try, no matter how much money I have, no matter how much I fucking love her, I can’t erase the past. I can’t take away the pain she suffered at the hands of my family. I can’t be the one to make her happy, no matter how badly I want to. I’ve known Emilia almost all my life. The one thing she’s always craved above all is a loving family. I can’t give her that. And even if I could, it’s not me she wants it with.

  Chapter 17

  Emilia

  Something is wrong, but I can’t figure out what it is. Carter seemed absentminded all day, upset even. I can’t quite pinpoint how I know, but I do. I glance down at my tee and hesitate for only a second before grabbing my leggings and tugging them on.

  I make my way through the giant house and pause in the living room, my eyes on the large glass sliding doors that lead to the veranda. As expected, he’s standing there, staring up at the sky, a whisky glass in his hand. He doesn’t seem to feel the cold, even though he’s only wearing shorts and a loose tee. It’s not winter quite yet, but it’s definitely too cold to be standing there dressed like that.

  I bite down on my lip and walk over to the sofa to grab the thick furry throw. I hesitate before walking up to the doors, and I inhale deeply before walking through them. The sound of the door sliding open startles Carter, and he turns to look at me in surprise.

  I walk up to him, my feet freezing, and pause in front of him. I look into Carter’s stunning hazel eyes and wrap the throw around him, gripping the ends tightly. “You’ll get cold,” I whisper, my voice disturbing the tranquility of the night.

  Carter looks at me like I’m some sort of mirage. The way he’s looking at me makes my heart race. For years I’ve dreamt of him looking at me like that, just one last time. Every single time that he visited me in my dreams, he’d look at me like this, and I’d wake up in tears, knowing it’d never happen again. My heart clenches painfully as Carter raises his hand to my face. He cups my face gently, and I lean into him subconsciously.

  “What are you doing here, Minx?”

  My eyes widen and my heart starts to race. It’s been years since I got to hear him call me Minx, and I didn’t quite realize how much I missed it.

  “What do you mean? I’m here for my dad, of course.”

  Carter shakes his head and tugs the throw out of my grip. He wraps it around the both of us, his hands on my shoulders.

  “What are you doing out here? Your dad isn’t here. It’s just me.”

  I look away, unsure how to reply. “I don’t know,” I answer honestly. Dad has already gone to bed and I’ve already checked up on him. I’d just been twisting and turning in bed, unable to keep my mind off Carter. “I was worried about you,” I admit. “You seemed upset today.”

  Carter takes a step closer to me and wraps his arms around me fully, closing the distance between us. My breasts graze against his chest, and I have to resist the urge to melt into him. I look up at him, my heart beating wildly.

  “You noticed I was upset, huh? No one else did. Not even Asher. How come you still read me so well, Minx? How come you still notice every little thing about me?”

  I bite down on my lip as I stare into his eyes. I could get lost in those eyes of his. The specks of green and all the different shades of brown have always captivated me. “I don’t know,” I whisper.

  Carter sighs and drops his forehead to mine, his eyes fluttering closed. He inhales deeply, and I close my own eyes, wanting to lose myself in this moment with him.

  “Are you happy, Emilia?” he asks, his voice barely above a whisper. Am I? I like to think I am, and most days I can make myself believe it too. But have I been truly happy since I lost Carter? I don’t think so. There’s no point in admitting that, though.

  “Yes,” I whisper. “I am.”

  Carter inhales deeply and tightens his grip on me. This moment feels so precious. I can’t remember the last time I wanted a moment to last forever. I guess the last time I felt this way was with Carter too.

  “Sam… does he treat you well?”

  My heart wrenches at the thought of him, and I feel guilty immediately. I stiffen in Carter’s arms and bite down on my lip. The truth is that right here, right now, I’m happier than I have been in years. Why is it that no matter how hard I try, I don’t ever feel this way with Sam? I want this so badly with him. He deserves it.

  “He does. He treats me incredibly well. He’s very kind and considerate. I’m very lucky to have him.”

  Carter tenses, and I feel bad. I wish he’d never even asked me that question, but I can’t lie to him either. Sam is amazing and I’m not sure I’m even good enough for him.

  “Are you?” I ask. “Are you happy?”

  Carter remains silent, his chest rising and falling against mine. “No,” he says eventually. “I haven’t been happy since you walked out of my life, Emilia. I haven’t even truly felt alive since you left.”

  Carter pulls away from me and wraps the throw around me, leaving himself exposed. “It’s good to hear that you’re happy, though. It’s all I’ve ever wanted for you. I’m glad you found your happiness, even if it isn’t with me.”

  I force myself to smile and nod at him. These things that I’m suddenly feeling around Carter… it’s all just nostalgia. At the end of the day, I’ll still go back to London, to the life Sam and I are building together. I’ll still move in with him. I can’t get caught up in whatever it is I’m feeling right now.

  “You’ll find your own happiness too, Carter,” I tell him. I guess the sayings about first love are true. You never really get over your first love. I don’t know how else to explain the rage I feel at the thought of Carter with someone else.

  “Maybe,” he whispers, but I can tell he doesn’t believe it. Carter brushes my hair behind my ear and smiles at me.

  “I’m glad you’re back, Emilia. Home hasn’t been the same without you.”

  I nod at him. “It’s good to be back. I wish I’d come back sooner, to be honest.”

  Carter smiles, yet his expression is heartbreaking. “Me too,” he whispers.

  He clears his throat and inhales deeply. “Look, you and I… we’ll always have history. But you’ll be living here for the foreseeable future, and you’ll be working with me too. I’d like it if you and I could try to be friends. I think your father would appreciate that too. No more sneaking around trying to avoid me around the house or at work.”

  I blush and look away. “You noticed that, huh?”

  Carter chuckles, and the sound makes my heart flutter. “I notice everything about you,” he whispers. He looks away and so do I. My heart can’t take it when he says things like that.

  “Yes, of course,” I murmur. “We should try to be friends. We were friends before we were ever anything else.”

  Logically I know that’s true, yet I can’t think of a time that I wasn’t in love with Carter. Were we ever even truly friends? Even before I realized it, I considered him to be mine.

  Carter smiles and nods, and that’s that. We’re friends.

  Chapter 18

  Carter

  I’m still thinking about Emilia in my t-shirt when I walk into the office in the morning. My Ferrari was missing, so it seems my little Minx escaped before I got to speak to her. She won’t be able to evade me for very long at all, and I doubt she even wants to. Asher’s words threw me off, and I know there’s truth to what he said… but part of me wants to prove him wrong. Even though I know he’s right, I can’t stay away from Emilia.

&nb
sp; I spot her the second I walk into the office. Her eyes find mine, and a blush spreads on her cheeks. She looks away, flustered, and I smile to myself. Whether she likes it or not, she’s still affected by me. She’s deceiving herself if she thinking she’s in love with Sam. I walk up to her, and she brushes her hair out of her face, the movement almost… nervous.

  “Morning,” I murmur.

  She looks up at me, and my heart skips a beat. This woman, will her beauty ever cease to faze me?

  “Morning,” she whispers.

  I tilt my head towards my office, and she follows me, a hint of reluctance in her steps.

  “Asher and I are considering a new acquisition, and I’d like you to accompany me as I set the deal in motion. The CEO of the company I’ve been wanting to acquire has been hesitant to sell to me, but he’s suddenly turned around and agreed late last night. I want to close this deal as soon as possible, before he has a chance to change his mind again. That means there’s a lot of due diligence to be done, and it needs to be done now.”

  I tilt my head towards the suitcase in the corner of my office. “We’ll be gone for three days. I would’ve told you in the morning, but you were nowhere to be seen.”

  Emilia’s cheeks redden, and she looks away. I bite back a smile and look down at my shoes, unable to wipe my smirk off my face completely. She’s flustered and affected by me, and she’s failing to hide it.

  “The client is in New York. Our flight is in four hours,” I tell her. “We’ll be going with a small team, but I expect you to take the lead on the legal aspects.”

  Emilia nods, a serious expression on her face. Her eyes flash with determination, as though she’s intent on doing a good job, and I smile to myself. She’s always been this way, even in school.

  “I’ll see you at the private air strip,” I tell her, handing her a card with the address on it. “Have Graham, my security officer, drive you there.”