The Ruins Of Us (Mayhem Book 3)

by Catharina Maura

  I freeze, my smile melting off my face. The person she’s talking to is Sam’s mother? My heart twists painfully. I want this for her. I want her to gain a whole new family when she eventually gets married, but fucking hell, it hurts. It hurts to know that once upon a time, all of this could have been mine. It hurts to know the girl in my bedroom used to be mine.

  I try my hardest not to blame my sister for the way I lost Emilia, but with every year that passes, it becomes harder to remind myself that Kate was sick. It’s becoming harder and harder to keep from resenting her.

  Emilia ends the call and I inhale deeply before walking in. I find Emilia sitting on my bed, a lost expression on her face.

  “That’s nice, that you’re close to Sam’s mom.”

  She looks up at me, startled, and smiles stiffly. “I didn’t realize you were there. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have gone into your room. Honestly, I did it without thinking.”

  I sit down next to her and look around the room. This room is filled with memories of her. I fall back on my bed and stare up at her. “That’s okay,” I murmur. “It isn’t even really my room anymore. I only stay over every once in a while.”

  She nods and looks around the way I just did. I wonder what she sees. It’s been years since she’s been in here. Her eyes fall to my bed, and I’m certain I see a flash of jealousy and possessiveness in them.

  “You know, you’re still the only girl I’ve ever had in this bed,” I murmur, my voice barely above a whisper.

  Emilia’s eyes widen, and her eyes roam over my body. I lift my arms and put them behind my head, my t-shirt riding up to reveal the v-line Emilia has always loved.

  “Is that so?” she whispers.

  I nod. She looks beautiful today, and I really want to pull her closer. I want her straddling me the way she used to, her lips on mine. I need her with such intensity that I have to force myself to look away. My heart refuses to acknowledge that she’s no longer mine. I inhale deeply and close my eyes.

  I want to ask her if she missed me. If she still has feelings for me. If part of her heart still beats for me. But I can’t. It wouldn’t matter anyway. She’s with someone else, and in a few months at most, she’ll be going back to him. I can’t mess with her happiness in the slightest. I won’t.

  We both tense and sit up when a soft knock sounds on my bedroom door. Mom walks in, and she looks surprised to find us sitting together like this. Emilia stiffens beside me and looks away, as though she can’t even stand to look at Mom. I can see that it hurts Mom, but I can also see how hurt Emilia still is.

  “Emilia,” Mom murmurs, her eyes flickering between us. “I… I would like to apologize. I know it’s too little too late, but you deserve an apology. I didn’t want to remind you of the past, so I remained silent earlier, but that isn’t right. You deserve better than that.

  The way I behaved after Kate came home from the hospital — there’s just no excuse for that. I felt like I’d failed as a mother, and rather than take responsibility for that, I looked for someone to blame. And Kate, being as vicious as the drugs had made her… she convinced me it was all your doing, even though I logically knew better.

  I’m not asking for your forgiveness, because I wouldn’t dare, but I do want to offer you my sincere apology. I’ve always loved you like you were my own, and I still do. Not a day has gone by that I didn’t think of you. I always hoped you were doing well, and every time your dad told me about you, I’d be so proud of you. I want you to know that. I want you to know that I still love you the way I always have, and it won’t make things better, but I live with deep regret over the way I’ve treated you.”

  Mom turns to me, her eyes filled with sorrow. “And you too, Carter. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for asking so much of you. For asking you to sacrifice your relationship with Emilia, when I should have stood with you, when I should have defended both you and Emilia. I hope you’ll find it in your heart to forgive me someday.”

  I nod at Mom, but her eyes are on Emilia. Emilia is glancing out the window, her entire body trembling. I shake my head at Mom subtly, and she leaves quietly. A tear drops down Emilia’s cheek as soon as Mom closes the door behind her, and I wrap my arms around her.

  Emilia sniffs and turns in my arm, clutching me tightly as she bursts into tears. I tighten my grip on her and stroke her hair, my own heart breaking. I can’t take it when she cries. Every tear she sheds leaves a mark on my soul.

  “I… I’m sorry,” she cries, and I cup her head gently. Emilia turns her face so she’s hiding in my neck, her lips grazing my skin. “I don’t want to cry,” she whispers through her tears, and I clutch her tightly.

  “I know, Minx. It’s okay. It’s just me.” I kiss her hair gently and try to keep my heart from breaking. I inhale deeply before speaking. “I actually never even realized I wanted an apology from my Mom, you know? I’ve never consciously blamed her for what happened, but it does feel like a huge weight off my shoulders,” I whisper.

  Emilia nods and sniffs. “Me too. I just felt… I felt so betrayed. I loved her so much.”

  I lift her onto my lap and wrap my arms around her fully, wrapping her in my arms. Emilia rests her head on my shoulder, endless tears still streaming down her face.

  “Just let it all out, Minx. It’s years overdue, just like Mom’s apology. It was just easier to forget about all the ways my family and I wronged you — easier to pretend it never happened. I guess it was easier to live with the guilt that way.”

  Emilia pulls back to look at me. She shakes her head and looks into my eyes. “Not you, Carter. Never you. You never wronged me.”

  I drop my forehead to hers and close my eyes. “I did. I should’ve chased after you. I should’ve chosen you over everyone else, especially when it was so clear that you never did anything wrong. I should’ve stood by you.”

  Emilia cups my cheek and I bury my hand in her hair. “No, Carter. You did the right thing. And it’s not like I actually gave you a choice at all. I left to the one place I knew you couldn’t follow without giving up on your scholarship, your education, and the company you were building. I needed a clean break. It’s not your fault.”

  I look into the sky-blue eyes that I’ve loved for as long as I can remember and shake my head. “I wish I’d followed you as soon as I was sure that Kate would be fine. I thought letting you go was the right thing to do. I thought I couldn’t chain you to me, knowing how much resentment there was between my family and you. Some days I even convinced myself that I was over you, you know? But fuck, Emilia, you’re back now, and I…”

  I shake my head and look away, my heart shattering. Emilia buries her hand in my hair and turns my head back towards her. “You what?”

  “I look at you, and I wish you were still mine. I’ve never regretted anything as much as letting you go. You will probably always be the love of my life, but I’m glad that I don’t seem to be yours. I just want you to be happy, Emilia. I’m glad you are.”

  She smiles tightly and pushes away from me. She turns her back to me and wipes her tears away, and I regret my words instantly. It’s not fair of me to tell her this, and I don’t want to make her uncomfortable around me. I shouldn’t have said anything, but as always when it comes to her, I couldn’t help myself.

  “Come on,” she says, smiling the fakest smile I’ve yet seen her attempt. “Let’s go down. Dad was so excited to be here today, let’s not ruin it, okay? I’ll try my best too.”

  I nod and follow her out the door, but all I want to do is take her home, away from anything that might hurt her.

  Chapter 27

  Emilia

  I sip my coffee, unable to calm my nerves. I’m supposed to pick Sam up today, and rather than being excited, I find myself being anxious.

  I jump when Carter walks into the kitchen and I check my watch, surprised. He should’ve already been at work by now. I’ve done my best to avoid Carter ever since he told me that he regrets letting me go. I’ve been battling the guilt I feel, b
ecause in that moment, all I could see was Carter. I wasn’t even remotely thinking of Sam. Being here has been confusing for me, and I hate it.

  “You’re done avoiding me,” he tells me, and I look up at him in surprise, a small smile on my face. He’s so cocky these days. His entire vibe is different.

  “Who said I was avoiding you?”

  He crosses his arms over each other, the fabric of his shirt stretching along his muscles. I hate how good he looks in a suit.

  “Weren’t you? We’ve had coffee together almost every morning this last month, but you were suddenly nowhere to be found all of last week. Forget what I said, Emilia. It was just being in my old bedroom with you that caused me to overshare. You don’t need to act so uncomfortable around me.”

  I bite down on my lip and look away. If only I was actually uncomfortable. That’s how I should be feeling, but it’s not. I’m flustered and excited to know that he still has some lingering feelings for me, and that just isn’t right.

  “I’m picking Sam up today,” I murmur, my heart racing.

  Carter locks his jaw and looks away, his hands balling into fists. “I see. I’ll get Graham to drive you.”

  I shake my head and hide my trembling hands. “I can drive. I prefer to go by myself.”

  Something flashes in Carter’s eyes, and though I can’t quite identify it, I know it hurts my heart.

  “I see. Which car are you taking?”

  “I thought I’d take my dad’s.”

  Carter pulls a hand through his hair and shakes his head. “Take the Range Rover. It has more space,” he says, sounding tired.

  I nod, not wanting to argue with him. The entire atmosphere is suddenly so tense. Carter looks like he’s about to speak, but then his phone rings. “I’ll see you later, Emilia,” he says. He sighs as he walks out, and I somehow feel horrible.

  I can’t shake that feeling all the way to the airport. My heart is constricting painfully and I’m feeling completely out of it. I try to force myself to smile as I wait for Sam by the exit, but I can’t.

  I straighten when he walks out, a huge smile on his face. I wave at him, and he drops his luggage, running up to me. I laugh when he lifts me into his arms and twirls me around.

  “Emilia,” he murmurs, his lips dropping to mine. I stiffen involuntarily, unable to kiss him back.

  “Hey,” I murmur, pulling away. “How was your flight?”

  He sighs and drops his forehead to mine. “I missed you, darling. It’s been so long,” he murmurs, and I hug him tightly.

  “I missed you too,” I whisper. This is probably exactly what I need, a reminder of everything I have and everything Sam and I have built, so I can stop focusing on what I lost. “Come on,” I say, leading him to the car.

  Sam whistles as I open the trunk for him. “Nice car. Your dad has great taste,” he says, and I freeze. I should probably tell him that this is one of Carter’s cars, but I don’t want to ruin Sam’s mood.

  “I can’t wait to see the home you grew up in,” he says. He grins as we drive off and leans into me. “And share your bed,” he adds, his hand finding its way to my thigh.

  I smile at him, but my heart twists painfully. I’ve never even shared that bed with Carter. It seems weird somehow.

  “How is your dad? Let’s see him first before we do anything else.”

  I nod and bite down on my lip. I’d been planning on going straight to my old house, but realistically there’s no way I can avoid taking Sam to Carter’s house, since that’s where Dad is living now. “He has his ups and downs. He’s doing quite well for the most part. It’s good to be here with him. There’s so much of his life I missed out on. So much I didn’t know about.”

  I try to fill him in as best as I can on the drive back but find myself avoiding all mention of Carter subconsciously. I’m wrecked with guilt, even though I haven’t done anything wrong.

  I’m nervous as we drive up to Carter’s gate. I remember the first time I saw it, and how imposing it all felt. I can’t imagine how Sam might feel. He falls silent as the gate swings open, and he’s tense as I park the car.

  “This is where my Dad is staying,” I say quietly.

  He nods stiffly. “So, this is Carter Clarke’s house, huh?”

  I nod and get out of the car, wanting to just get this over with already. Graham, Carter’s security guy, walks out and helps Sam with his luggage, and I can tell Sam feels intimidated. I feel bad somehow, and I don’t know how to make him feel better.

  We’re both quiet as I lead him to Dad’s treatment room, and Sam and I both freeze when we enter. Carter is sitting in the seat next to Dad’s, the two of them facing each other, both of them seemingly angry. They’re glaring at each other, and neither one of their expressions improves when they turn to find Sam and me.

  “Hey,” I murmur, my eyes finding Carter’s. What is he doing here? Why isn’t he at work?

  Carter rises from his seat and Sam straightens. I never realized that Carter is half a head taller than Sam, and much wider.

  “Samuel, isn’t it?” he says. He sounds polite, but his eyes are flashing dangerously.

  Sam nods and shakes Carter’s hand. “Carter Clarke,” he murmurs. “It’s an honor, truly.”

  Carter nods and steps aside so Sam can greet Dad. I’m surprised to find Dad so lackluster. He’s always so excited when Carter comes home from work, yet Sam flew halfway across the world to visit him, and he acts like he’s going to a doctor’s visit. I cross my arms over each other and pin Dad down with a stare, and he smiles at Sam unconvincingly.

  “What’s going on?” I ask, my eyes moving from Dad to Carter. Both shake their heads, and Dad crosses his arms over each other.

  “You must be tired,” Dad says, glancing at Sam.

  Sam yawns right on cue and nods, looking sheepish. “It’s been a fairly long journey,” he says.

  Dad nods. “Carter will show you to your room.”

  I shake my head. “Oh, no, we were planning on staying at the house,” I murmur.

  Dad looks at me the way he used to when I was a teenager, and I suddenly feel like I’m in trouble.

  “No. You’ll stay here, with me,” he says, his voice brooking no argument.

  I glance at Sam and he sighs, nodding slightly. He steps closer to me and brushes my hair out of my face gently. “We’re here to spend time with your dad, after all,” he murmurs. He wraps his hand around my waist before turning to Carter, a smile on his face. “Are you sure Emilia and I can stay here?” he asks, and I’m not even sure what I’m hoping for. Am I hoping he’ll say yes, or no?

  Carter nods briskly, his eyes lingering on where Sam is touching me. “Of course,” he says, his expression blank. “Your room has already been prepared.”

  I’m filled with so many emotions that I can’t even make sense of as I follow Carter, my eyes on his back. I’m filled with disappointment, anxiety and dread, when I should be excited to finally spend some time with Sam.

  Chapter 28

  Emilia

  I glance at Sam and slip out of bed quietly. I’ve been tossing and turning all night, unable to fall asleep. My heart is in disarray.

  I walk down the stairs, the marble cold underneath my feet. I hesitate as the glass sliding doors leading to the veranda come into view. I’d be lying to myself if I said that I didn’t expect him to be here. Carter is standing outside, wearing nothing but long sleeping bottoms, a whisky glass in his hand. Something looks off about him, and my heart wrenches painfully. I’m instantly worried, though I can’t quite pinpoint what it is that alarms me.

  I slip through the sliding doors quietly, and Carter turns to face me. His eyes roam over my body heatedly, and rage flashes through them. He puts his glass down and approaches me, and I take a step away, my back hitting the wall.

  “What is this, Minx?” he whispers, his fingers tracing the edges of my nightgown. “Where is my t-shirt? I know you stole a few more of my newer ones, yet you’re not wearing any of them
.”

  I gulp, my heart racing. He’s standing so close that I can barely breathe. I turn and slip away from him, but I’ve only taken one step when he’s got his arm wrapped around my waist. Carter pulls me back and against the wall.

  I gasp, my eyes widening. “You’re drunk,” I whisper. I raise my hands to his chest, intending to keep some distance between us, but he grabs my wrists and pushes them against the wall, above my head. Carter pushes his body against mine, caging me in. My eyes shutter closed at the feel of him. How many years has it been since I’ve felt him against me like this? I don’t even have it in me to protest. Instead, I melt against him. He’s bigger now. Stronger. He’s all man now, far from the twenty-one-year-old I used to call mine.

  “Look at me, Emilia,” he whispers, and I do. I look into his eyes, and all I find is helplessness and anger. “Did you fuck him underneath my roof?” he asks. “Did you let him touch you?”

  He drops his forehead to mine, as though he can’t let go of me, but can’t face me either. He inhales deeply, his breath ragged. Carter loosens his grip on my wrists and pulls away from me.

  I grab his hand and pull him back. He looks so tortured that my heart breaks. “No,” I whisper. “No, Carter. I didn’t. I wouldn’t.”

  He buries his hand in my hair and grips tightly. “Look me in the eye and tell me you didn’t kiss him. That he didn’t touch your body. That he didn’t fall asleep with you in his arms.”

  I bite down on my lip and look away, unable to do as he asks. Carter’s eyes fall closed and he inhales deeply. “You say you wouldn’t, but you already have. It’s a kiss today, what is it tomorrow?”

  He laughs humorlessly. “Fucking hell… I know you’re his. I know it. But I can’t fucking stand it.”

  He lets go of me and turns his back to me, and all I want to do is press my body back against his. I want to wrap my arms around him and reassure him in any way possible — but I can’t. I can’t, and I shouldn’t.