The Ruins Of Us (Mayhem Book 3)

by Catharina Maura

  Sam hesitates, and then he rises too. I shake my head and stand up. I don’t know what Emilia needs right now, but I know it’s not for Sam to follow her. He walks into the direction Emilia disappeared to, and I cut him off in the hallway. I grip him by his shirt, hard, and pin him down with a stare. “She needs space, and you’re going to give it to her,” I tell him, trying my best to be polite, and failing miserably.

  Sam tenses and tries to pull himself out of my hold, but he can’t. “What my girlfriend needs right now is me. Who the hell do you think you are to decide for her? Maybe us being here has made you all nostalgic, but you’d better remember that Emilia is mine. You don’t have the right to tell me to stay away.”

  I grit my teeth and laugh humorlessly. “You might be right, Samuel. She’s yours, but I’m still very much hers. And if I see you touch her in a way she doesn’t like, if I see you hold her hand even just a little too tightly ever again, I’m going to break every fucking bone in your hand. If you make her uncomfortable even the slightest or force her to do something she either doesn’t want or isn’t ready for, the way you did today... then I will know, and I will fucking kill you. I’ll make you disappear so quick they’ll call me Houdini. I’ve been playing nice, but don’t forget who I am. I’m Carter fucking Clarke. And you? You’re no one. You’ll just be another statistic.”

  Sam blinks, his eyes wide, and then he looks away, a shudder running through him. I let go of his shirt and take a step back before tipping my head towards the dining room. “Get back into your fucking seat, and don’t fucking move until Emilia gets back.”

  I see a flash of defiance in his eyes, and I fucking hope he won’t listen. I need an excuse to punch him in his fucking face, and I’d love for him to give me one. Unfortunately, he nods and turns to walk back, his hands balled into fists.

  I sigh and lean back against the wall. If he tells Emilia what I just said to him she’ll never forgive me. Me and my fucking temper. She’s been distant all week. If this gets back to her, I’m done for.

  “I had no idea you could be so terrifying,” Kate says, and I turn to find her standing in the corner, a smile on her face.

  I pinch the bridge of my nose and close my eyes. “How long have you been standing there?”

  Kate hesitates and looks away. “I just wanted to make sure Emilia was okay. I wasn’t going to speak to her or anything, but I just wanted to see where she ran off to. I just wanted to know if she was okay.”

  I look at her, trying to assess her sincerity. I’m fucking horrible, because my first thought is that she might take anything she just heard me say, and use it to drive a bigger wedge between Emilia and me.

  “Stay away from her,” I tell her, unable to contain my anger. I’m tired of everything today. I’m tired of being unable to protect Emilia. Of being unable to keep her from getting hurt. I’m tired of hurting, of wanting her and knowing I’ll never have her.

  Kate nods and smiles bittersweetly. “I will. I promise. I’m going up to my room now, and I’ll stay there for the rest of the evening. It’s the least I can do, anyway.” She walks up the stairs and stops mid-way. “Emilia is in the treehouse, by the way,” she says, her voice soft and insecure.

  I nod. Where else could my Minx have gone? The treehouse has always been her safe haven. I hesitate only slightly before walking out the door. I know I told Sam that she needs space, yet I’m unable to heed my own warning.

  I pause in front of the treehouse, worried that I might be overstepping. I drop my forehead to the door and inhale deeply, but in the end I can’t stay away. I push the door open quietly, and my heart sinks when I see her sitting on the floor, trying her best to cry as silently as she can.

  I sink to my knees in front of her, and she looks up at me through her tears. Seeing her like this devastates me. “Emilia,” I whisper. “Minx, don’t cry,” I murmur, lifting her into my arms. She comes gladly, and I close my arms around her. Emilia rests her head on my shoulder, and I tighten my grip on her. Her entire body is shaking from the force of her tears, and I bury my hand in her hair. “Baby, you’re breaking my heart,” I whisper.

  She clutches me tightly, but we couldn’t possibly be any closer. “Carter,” she whispers.

  “Yes, I’m here. I’m here, Minx. Whatever you need, I’m here.”

  Emilia cries even harder, and my heart shatters. When she cries like this, I can only barely keep my own tears at bay. I don’t think I’ve cried in years, but seeing her like this brings me pretty damn close. I swallow hard and press a kiss to her head.

  “I’m sorry,” she says. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m ruining everything. I’m ruining Thanksgiving. I’m ruining everyone’s evening. I’m doing it again.”

  I pull away from her a little to look at her and wipe her tears away. “Baby, you haven’t done a thing. I don’t think you’ve even spoken a word, so how did you ruin anything? My love, it might not show, but Mom is actually happy to have you here. Don’t do this, okay? Don’t make yourself believe these lies your pretty mind has spun. I want you here. You’re wanted here, Emilia.”

  She looks into my eyes and nods, but I can tell she doesn’t believe me. I pull her closer and press my lips against her forehead, my lips lingering. “What am I going to do with you, Emilia?” I whisper.

  She visibly steels herself, and I sigh. “I’m sorry,” she says again. “I… thank you for coming to check up on me. This is silly. I’m sorry, I’m overreacting. I apologize. I’ll be better… I— I’ll act normal. Everything is fine.”

  I hate seeing her like this. I hate seeing her so insecure and so broken. “Minx, if you’re hurt, you’re hurt. If being here is hard, then that’s okay. Fuck everyone else. Fuck everyone that’s hurt you in any way. Fuck them. You owe no one anything. You don’t even owe them civility if you don’t feel like giving it to them. You do not need to force yourself to sit through a night off bullshit appearances. I won’t ever ask it of you, and if your dad truly understood how you feel, he wouldn’t either. He just thinks he’s helping you heal, Minx. But if this isn’t what you want, if it isn’t what you need, then we won’t stay. Say the word, and we’ll go. I can drive us home right now. We don’t even have to say bye to anyone.”

  Emilia looks into my eyes and she inhales deeply as she threads her hand through my hair. When she looks at me that way my heart aches. It aches for everything we used to have. Everything I can no longer have. I close my eyes and swallow hard when Emilia drops her forehead to mine.

  “I’m okay now,” she whispers. “So long as you’re there, I’ll be okay. Let’s stay.”

  She pulls away from me and smiles, and my heart skips a beat. Even with tear marks running down her face, she’s still the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I almost wish that she hadn’t asked me to stay, because all I want to do is keep her to myself. I don’t want her sitting next to Sam. I don’t want to go back into that house that’s filled with all the people that tore us apart.

  Chapter 37

  Emilia

  Sam seems tense and angry as we walk into our bedroom. Attending Thanksgiving dinner has been so draining for me that I didn’t realize that he’s been as quiet as I have been. He inhales deeply and runs a hand through his hair as I close the door behind me.

  He turns to look at me, his shoulders stiff and his jaw clenched. He’s radiating rage in a way he never has before. I don’t think we’ve had even one bad argument in the last couple of years.

  His eyes look cold as he looks up at me, and I shudder involuntarily. Sam inhales deeply and walks up to me, and I tense.

  “What’s wrong?” I whisper, my heart racing. He’s making me uncomfortable, and another shudder runs down my spine.

  Sam narrows his eyes and grabs my chin, pinching hard. I flinch but don’t pull away from him. Somehow, I’m sure that’ll just anger him more. “Tell me, Emilia,” he says, speaking slowly. “Are you sleeping with Carter? Are you fucking him?”

  I freeze and look at him with w
ide eyes. “What?” I whisper, in disbelief. “No. Of course not.”

  “But you want to, don’t you?”

  I shake my head and place my hands on his shoulders. “Sam, no. What are you even talking about? What has gotten into you?”

  Sam looks into my eyes as though he’s searching for something, a hint of a lie, a sign of betrayal. But there are none. I may have been tempted, but I never acted on it. I wouldn’t. I’m not a cheater.

  Sam moves his hand to my hair and tangles his fingers through it. “I know it’s him you want. He’s the one your dad prefers too. Did you think I didn’t notice you sneaking out of the room early in the morning, just to have coffee with him? I’ve never said anything because I trust you, but now I’m wondering if that trust was misplaced. If it was all so innocent, why did you stop right after I caught you standing in the living room with him in the middle of the night?”

  He tightens his grip on my hair and I whimper slightly. My heart is racing, and though I want to protest, I can’t make myself.

  “I called your dad a while ago. I told him I was going to ask you to move in with me, and that I wanted to propose to you soon after. I asked for his blessing, but he was just quiet for a while and thanked me for calling him, but you know what… he never actually gave me his blessing. Just a day later he called you, telling you that he was sick and asking you to come here. At the time I was so worried for both you and your dad that I didn’t think much of it. But now? Now it’s obvious. He’d been sick for months and only just decided to tell you then. Why do you think that is, Emilia?”

  I shake my head. I know what he’s trying to say, but there’s no way dad would do that. Dad would never scheme like that.

  “And Carter… it’s obvious he still wants you. He had me fooled for a while, you know? I thought he was such a great guy, and he was so nice to me. It’s like he genuinely wanted you to be happy. But that didn’t last, did it? Did he make a move on you?”

  I shake my head, my eyes wide. “He wouldn’t,” I whisper.

  Sam laughs, and the sound sends chills down my spine. “If he hasn’t yet, then he will. And once he does, you’ll give in, won’t you? Your heart is already there. I spent years fighting to win you over, but just a few months with Carter and you’re bloody lovestruck. I see it in your eyes. In the way you move. The way you smile at him.”

  Sam works his hand deeper into my hair and pulls on it, yanking my head closer to his. His lips come crashing down on mine, and he kisses me harshly, forcibly. I try to protest, but every sound I make is smothered. I bite down on his lip as hard as I can and push him away, breathing hard.

  “What the hell is going on with you?” I shout, my eyes filling with tears. I inhale shakily and wrap my arms around myself.

  Sam inhales deeply and closes his eyes. “I can’t do this, Emilia. I’ve given you the best years of my life. I pursued you for six years. It took six years for you to even consider going on a single date with me. I’ve done everything I could to make you happy. I’ve given you my all for years, and here we are. Just a few months here with Carter, and you…”

  I inhale deeply and look away, my feelings conflicted. “I never asked you to spend years pursuing me,” I whisper. “If anything, I made it very clear that I wasn’t ready to date. That I might never be.”

  Sam nods. “I know. I know, but I was so sure we were perfect for each other… and for a while, we were. For a while, we were happy. But not the way you are here. Despite everything going on, you radiate happiness when you’re around Carter. The way you smile at him, the way you laugh with him… Emilia, you’ve never once even looked at me that way, and you know it. And that playful side of you? It didn’t exist around me. It hurts to see who you are with him. I didn’t think you could get even more beautiful, or even more perfect… but you do, for him. Only for him.”

  I look away guiltily. I’ve done my best to stay away from Carter lately, to be as respectful to Sam as I possibly could be, but I can’t help but be happy when Carter is around. I can’t control my feelings.

  Sam walks up to me and brushes the tip of his fingers over my cheek. “I can’t be here, Emilia. I want to be there for you throughout this all, but I don’t think I can. I can’t be here and watch you distance yourself more and more every day. I can’t stay and watch our relationship crumble into dust, right before my eyes.”

  I nod. The fact that I feel relieved makes me feel even worse. I should want my own boyfriend with me through times as tough as these, but I don’t.

  “I think we need a break, Emilia.”

  My heart stills and I look down at my feet. Sam has been my constant for years now. He was always the friend I could count on, the guy that I could depend on. I managed to convince myself that I could be with him, that I was happy… but being back here puts it all back into focus. I decided to date him because it was easy, and it was safe. My heart was never fully in it, no matter how hard I tried. Being with him meant I wouldn’t get hurt again, and I could convince myself that I was okay, that I was moving on with my life.

  “Sam, I think we should break up.”

  It should hurt to say those words, but it doesn’t. If anything, it feels like a relief to set both of us free.

  Sam looks at me, and the expression on his face breaks my heart. I expected to find disbelief and pain in his eyes, but instead I’m faced with reluctant acceptance.

  “I’m changing my flight,” he tells me. “If I can, I’ll fly out tonight. Otherwise, I’d like to go tomorrow.”

  I nod, and a single tear rolls down my cheek. This is the man I so desperately wanted to make it work with. I tried so hard, but you can’t force love into existence.

  “You and I could have had it all, Emilia. We were perfect together. You can’t see it now, but you’re throwing away your chance at happiness. You’re a fool if you think you can be with Carter. Didn’t you notice Carter’s sister left dinner halfway through because you were there? How long do you think you and he will last with his family standing between you like that? The novelty of being together is going to wear off soon enough, and you’ll be left facing the fucked-up mess that your life together would be. You’ll flee to London all over again, begging me to take you back. And I? I’ll have moved on.”

  Chapter 38

  Emilia

  I stare at the sun streaming through the kitchen window in surprise. How long have I been sitting here? I didn’t even realize the sun had risen already.

  I bite down on my lip and try to pull myself together, but I’m feeling out of it. Sam took the next available flight back home, and I drove him to the airport knowing I’d probably never see him again. How did we go from wanting to move in together to parting ways?

  It feels surreal, but I don’t feel the way I did when Carter and I broke up. I feel like I might be in shock, but I’m not heartbroken. Shouldn’t I be? Sam and I might have only dated for a year or so, but we’ve known each other for years. I haven’t just lost him as my boyfriend, but as my friend too. I should be mourning the loss of that relationship, but instead I’m just… numb.

  “Emilia?”

  I tense when I hear Carter’s voice. He’s standing in the doorway in his swim shorts, and I blink distractedly.

  “Carter,” I whisper.

  He frowns and walks towards me, a frown on his face. He looks worried, and I can’t help but wonder what I must look like, sitting here in the same clothes I wore last night.

  Carter grabs my coffee cup and raises his brows when he realizes that my coffee is cold. I can’t even remember when I made that.

  “How long have you been sitting here?”

  I blink and shake my head. “Not long,” I whisper.

  Carter takes a step closer to me and places his hands on my shoulders. His hands feel warm on my skin, and his eyes widen when he realizes how cold my body is. “Minx, you’re freezing,” he murmurs. He moves his hands over my arms, rubbing them in an effort to warm me up.

  I look up into his
eyes, my heart stirring. I’ve been so focused on keeping a barrier between us, that it’s like I haven’t really seen him in forever. The only time I caved was when I burst into tears in the treehouse yesterday. Strangely enough, I’ve missed those stunning hazel eyes of his. Even after all these years, I want to be the only one he sees. The idea of him with Layla hurts more than breaking up with Sam does, and that should’ve told me the truth about my feelings. I should’ve realized sooner that what I felt for Sam was a sense of duty and gratefulness for the time we spent together, the time he spent on me. It was never love. It wasn’t anything like what I still feel for Carter.

  “Carter,” I whisper, and he raises his brow in question. “Sam left. I drove him to the airport last night. We… we broke up.”

  He stares at me in shock, his hands stiffening on my shoulders. “You what?”

  I look away and rise to my feet, taking a step away from him. “We broke up,” I repeat. “He got on the first available flight.”

  He looks at me like he can’t comprehend what I’m saying. I see concern flash through his eyes, but there’s also relief.

  “Are you okay?” he asks, sounding worried.

  I nod. I’m a bit too okay, I think. I should be in tears and I should be hurting, but I’m fine. “I’m all right. I’ll be fine. It’s just strange, that’s all.”

  Carter hesitates as though he doesn’t know what to say, and then he nods. He grabs my coffee cup and empties it, making me a fresh cup instead. I lean back and watch him. He looks amazing in the sunlight that’s streaming through the window, his upper body on display. Would it be easier to remain in control of the way he makes me feel if he’d gotten fat and obnoxious? Somehow, I doubt it would. I doubt his heart will ever change.

  I take the coffee cup from him and stare at it, lost in thought. “Why do you still have this?” I ask, my voice so soft that he almost misses the words.