Elias

by Amy Aislin

  It was just that the question, Are you embarrassed about my job?, had thrown him, because the truth was no. He wasn't. But once upon a time—hell, as early as this morning—he had been. Fuck if that didn't make him feel petty and insecure and self-righteous.

  Had Ty asked him that question a month ago, Elias would've dodged as best he could, because the answer would've hurt Ty. Yes, I am embarrassed about your job. You can do so much better. God, when had Elias become so judgemental and disapproving? He'd come from nothing and worked his way up; who was he to judge how others chose to live their lives?

  The truth was that he wasn't embarrassed by Ty's job. He was embarrassed of himself. But before he could sort out those thoughts in his head and articulate them to Ty, his boyfriend had left. Elias couldn't blame him. He'd stood there like a dead fish while Ty waited for an answer. Ty was hurt and angry and confused, no doubt wondering why he put up with Elias’s bullshit at all.

  The room spun around him, and he sagged against the back of the couch, pressing a fist against his aching heart. What if Ty decided Elias wasn't worth it? What if he couldn't fix things between them, and Ty never came back? What if Rachel had been right all those weeks ago, when she'd implied that a Capricorn and a Capricorn weren't a good match for each other? Was this the catalyst for the end of them, for what astrology said wouldn't work anyway?

  He had no idea what to do. Did he give Ty space to calm down? Did he run after him, get to him before he reached his car in the building's parking garage, got in, and drove away, possibly for good? Did he text him an apology, an explanation? Call him?

  Fuck, relationships were complicated. No wonder he avoided them, but he wasn't going to let this…this…disagreement, argument, whatever, keep them apart.

  Getting online, he typed what to do when a capricorn is angry into Google. Theoretically Elias should know the answer to that given that he himself was a Capricorn, but Ty wasn't a typical Capricorn, and he was at a loss.

  General consensus number one: When a Capricorn gets angry, they become cold and even more withdrawn into themselves.

  True for Elias. False for Ty, who had no problem letting Elias know how he felt.

  General consensus number two: Capricorns tend to use logic instead of emotions when they're upset, honesty that cut like knives.

  Yeah, that was certainly true.

  You fire people for a living and you're embarrassed by my job?

  Elias couldn't deny the truth of those words.

  General consensus number three: Behind the cool, reserved, logical front of a Capricorn lies an incredibly sensitive and attentive heart.

  Again, true for Elias, yet though Ty was extremely logical, he was the least cool and reserved person Elias knew. Unlike Elias he wasn't afraid to let his sensitive and caring nature show.

  General consensus number four: Not all Capricorns are the same.

  Well, no fucking shit. He didn't need the fucking internet to tell him that. He just had to look at the personality differences between Ty and himself to piece that together. Ty's birthday was almost at the end of the Capricorn cycle. Maybe that meant he had some qualities of whatever the next sign was. He typed what sign comes after Capricorn? into Google but shut his laptop without looking at the search results. It would probably confuse him even more than he already was.

  Besides, he didn't fail to notice that not a single website told him how to deal with an angry Capricorn, and that was useless.

  And okay, maybe he was going about it all wrong, looking at Ty as this thing he had to solve, lumped into a whole like he was part of a hive mind instead of the individual person he was. As Elias’s boyfriend, who was smart and funny and generous and warm. Everything Elias wasn't.

  The last time Ty had been upset with him had been weeks ago, right after they'd started seeing each other. Elias had asked him why he didn't get his GED, so he could go to college or university and get a better, higher paying job. Ty had been upset and not afraid to show it, and Elias had been honest about his ignorance then apologized. Ty had forgiven and forgotten.

  Simple as that: honesty and apology. It was so clear now that it was exactly what Ty had been waiting for from Elias earlier.

  Decided, Elias grabbed his keys and his coat and left the condo.

  By the time Ty parked his car in his parents’ driveway twenty minutes after leaving Elias's, the snow was falling in earnest, big, fat flakes perfect for making snowballs. If only his stupid boyfriend was around, so he could throw one at his sanctimonious head and knock some sense into it.

  That was a mean thought, and he felt bad having it, but though the resentment and anger had faded during the drive, he was still hurt and sad and feeling all kinds of guilty for walking out on Elias.

  Literally everybody in Elias's life had left him. His mom took off, his dad died in prison, his adoptive parents died in a plane crash, his best friend moved to Ireland, his sister was across the country. And there Ty was, doing the same thing, walking away when he should've stayed. Hadn't he promised himself weeks ago that he'd be the one to prove to Elias that not everybody left?

  But God, he'd just been so upset that he hadn't wanted to stick around for fear he'd say something he'd regret. That last quip he'd thrown at Elias before walking out was bad enough.

  This was the second time Elias had made him feel small about his job, and he didn't know what to do about it. How were they supposed to move forward if Elias couldn't respect him? For the love of God, he'd asked Elias to move in with him. How were they supposed to make things work with this giant elephant between them?

  Sighing, he turned off the car and trudged up the snowy steps to his parents' front door. There weren't any other cars in the driveway, so maybe nobody was home. Please let that be the case. He could crash on the couch in the basement and maybe his mom would make him French toast and bacon for breakfast tomorrow morning.

  Though he'd miss Elias's Saturday morning pancakes. His eyes burned, but he refused to shed any tears over a boy, no siree. Jenn's anguished teenaged voice from long-ago wailed in his head: “I'm not going to cry over a stupid boy. Boys are dumb!”

  Ty could say with confidence that yes, she’d been right—boys were dumb.

  It was warm inside the house but not as quiet as he'd expected. The TV was on and there was the sound of crackly peanut shells being forced open. His dad appeared in the hallway as Ty was taking off his boots.

  "Hey, Dad."

  "Hey, Ty. Everything okay?"

  Not so much.

  "Where're Mom and Maddie?" he asked instead of answering.

  His dad shrugged. "Maddie could be at the movies or in the North Pole for all I know. Your mom's at one of her committee planning sessions."

  Ty ignored his dad’s narrowed eyes and concentrated on hanging his winter coat in the closet, smoothing down the creases so it hung just so.

  "What's going on, Ty? What's happened?"

  Clearly Ty's attempt at nonchalance was a huge failure.

  "Dad, I made a huge mistake."

  A few minutes later, Ty sipped his hot chocolate and moaned when the warm drink hit his belly. He didn't need more chocolate; the desserts from the party earlier still sat like indigestible rocks in his stomach, but his dad had made it for him, and he couldn't say no to that.

  He was still in his uncomfortable monkey suit, but he'd finally removed his tie and suit jacket. Next to him, his dad leaned back on his elbows on the stair above him. For as long as Ty could remember, the bottom of the staircase had been their place to talk.

  "If I've got this straight," his dad said, "the mistake was asking Elias to move in with you?"

  "No! Of course not!"

  "Okay, so you still want him to move in with you?" His dad sounded like he was trying to make heads or tails of Ty's admittedly rushed explanation of recent events, concluding with tonight's argument.

  "Yes, more than anything." Ty cupped both hands around his hot mug and let it warm him up. "The mistake was walking away
tonight, when I should've stayed."

  His dad was silent for a minute, probably gathering the words in his head, just like Ty sometimes had to do. Sitting up, he leaned his elbows on his knees, mimicking Ty's position.

  "Walking away from an argument won't solve anything,” he said. “But sometimes it's necessary, and that's not a bad thing. Especially if it stops you from saying something you might not be able to take back later."

  Somehow his dad’s words didn't make Ty feel any better. He didn't want Elias to think that he was leaving forever. He just needed space. He should've said so before walking out without a word.

  Fuck, he was a gigantic jackass.

  His dad patted his knee. "I'm sorry you're fighting, kiddo."

  "We're not fighting really. It's more of an impasse."

  "Consider it from his perspective, Ty. From what you've told me about his past, he's probably worked really hard to get to where he is today. He seems like the kind of person who has a plan for how his life will go and what he'll do and probably even the type of person he'd end up making a life with." Elias was exactly that type of person. Ty remembered having the same thought weeks ago. "Maybe what you do for a living didn't factor into his plans, but…he's with you anyway, isn't he?"

  True. Yes, that was true.

  "Consider also that he might be feeling just like you: hurt and resentful."

  Ty frowned into his mug. "What do you mean?"

  "Well, you say he's embarrassed about your job. That makes you feel pretty shitty, doesn't it? But didn't you tell me a few weeks ago that you don't like his either?"

  Ty froze with his mug halfway to his lips, prickly fingers of shame wicking up his spine. Fuck him, his dad was right, so completely right. At least Elias had had the foresight to keep his feelings about Ty's job to himself, whereas Ty hadn't been shy letting Elias know that his job sucked, which must've made Elias feel like utter crap.

  Gigantic jackass over here, ladies and gentlemen.

  "Shit," he whispered. Setting his mug down on the floor, he buried his face in his hands. "Fuck, Dad, I'm such a hypocrite!"

  "And—" His dad kept going as if Ty hadn't spoken, as if his whole perspective hadn't just been flipped on its axis. "—didn't you just tell me that you got a new job? Elias too? So really, you're arguing over nothing."

  "You're saying this argument is stupid?" Ty asked.

  "Not stupid. But maybe unnecessary. Pointless. Moot."

  "A moo point, like a cow's opinion?"

  "No, moot," his dad said, extra emphasis on the t, his expression asking Ty what dummy thought a cow had an opinion. "M-o-o-t."

  Despite how unfunny this situation with Elias was, Ty chuckled weakly. "No, I know. I was just making a lame joke." Clearly his dad had never watched an episode of Friends. Sighing, he rested his temple against the staircase railing. "I owe Eli such an apology."

  "Don't put it off." His dad patted his knee again before getting up. "Call him now, before things get weird."

  Headlights illuminated the living room through the gaps in the closed curtains, tires crunching snow. Ty secretly hoped it wasn't his mom. He so wasn't in the mood for a Sue Green inquiry.

  "Your mom must be back early," his dad said, moving to the living room, where he fingered the curtain aside and peered out. Ty checked his watch for the time. God, only eight-thirty. So much had happened tonight; it felt closer to midnight.

  "Does Elias drive a big, black SUV?"

  Ty's heart jumpstarted in his chest, and butterflies tickled his stomach. "Eli's here?"

  "Mm-hmm. Just got out of the car. Looks like you'll be able to give that apology sooner than you thought."

  "But I'm not ready! I don't know what to say!"

  "Sometimes you just have to wing it, kiddo."

  The look Ty shot his dad must've been pretty pathetic, because his dad sighed, rolled his eyes, and put on his boots.

  "You've got five minutes," he said, shrugging on his coat.

  But Ty stopped him before he could open the door.

  Thank God Ty's car was parked in his parents' driveway. Once Elias had reached his own car, he hadn't given himself much time to make a decision: head to Ty's parents or to Ty's house. Ty's parents were much closer, so Elias had gone on instinct and headed here. The relief that Ty hadn't driven the hour-plus home to Puslinch on a dangerously snowy night was immense.

  But as he watched Ty's dad exit the house, a fist of anxiety closed around his throat. Was this where Mr. Green would tell him that Ty didn't want to see him anymore and to remove himself from the premises immediately before he got his shotgun?

  Okay, he might've exaggerated the scenario a little bit, but the fear that Ty would tell him to fuck off forever hadn't gone away on the drive here, so to say he was surprised when Mr. Green held out a hand to him was a vast understatement.

  "Elias, it's good to see you." Mr. Green even offered a genuine smile. Elias couldn't manage to smile back, but he shook Mr. Green's hand briefly. Yet before he could let go, Mr. Green used the opportunity to pull Elias toward the sidewalk. "Walk with me for a few minutes," he said, dropping Elias's hand.

  Elias looked back at the house, where Ty surely was.

  "Don't worry about him," Mr. Green said as they walked, their steps leaving footprints in the snow behind them. "He'll be there when we get back."

  "He must be pretty mad at me." Elias's hands balled into fists in his coat pockets.

  Mr. Green zipped his jacket up against the cold. "Not really."

  Elias didn't buy that for a second.

  "Ty didn't, uh…" Mr. Green cleared his throat and blinked against the fat snowflakes falling from the sky. "What was I supposed to say?" he muttered. Elias didn't think he was supposed to hear that part. "Right, uh, Elias, Ty might've left your place because he was angry, but he didn't leave you."

  When they reached the stop sign at the end of the quiet street, Elias turned to him. "Did Ty tell you to tell me that?"

  Mr. Green scoffed. "No." A little less emphasis might've made that more convincing. "No, no, we were just, ah, talking, and it came up, so I thought I would…reassure you."

  Elias blinked at him. A spot of colour darkened Mr. Green's cheekbones, and he fidgeted on his feet. "You're really bad at this," Elias concluded.

  Mr. Green's laugh lines became more prominent when he chuckled. "Yeah, I know." He clapped Elias on the shoulder. "Don't tell Ty."

  They headed back to the house in silence, the only sound coming from the snow crunching under their feet and shovels hitting pavement as some of the neighbours shovelled their driveways. Despite the hopeless feeling in his gut when he'd arrived, he couldn't help being a little bit amused that Ty had sent his dad out here to comfort him. The question was, why hadn't Ty come out himself? The words would've been much more reassuring from him.

  The man himself was standing next to a three feet tall, lopsided snowman in the yard when Elias and Mr. Green arrived back at the house. A snowman that hadn't been there when Elias had arrived five minutes ago. Dressed in the wool coat he'd had on when he'd left Elias's—Elias sort of missed his ugly, puffy, white one—Ty smiled tentatively. The snowman had a curved piece of wood as a mouth, no nose, and thumb depressions for eyes. Its wooden stick arms stuck out straight in front of him, holding a small piece of cardboard with the words I'm sorry scribbled in black marker. Elias smiled as relief hit. Hope was not lost.

  Mr. Green snorted. Ty glared at his dad and pointed at the house. Mr. Green left, a wide grin on his face.

  Elias took a deep breath. "Ty, I'm sorry—"

  "No." Ty held out a gloved hand palm-out in the universal stop gesture. "I'm sorry."

  "You don't have anything to apologize for," Elias said.

  "Oh, I do," Ty countered. "Starting with…" He paused, and even in the dark Elias saw him swallow hard. "I'm so sorry I left."

  His voice could barely be heard over the song-o-shovels. Despising the distance between them, Elias joined him on the snow-covered lawn,
not stopping until he was less than a foot away.

  "I was embarrassed that you're embarrassed by me," Ty continued. "I left because I didn't want to say anything bad that I couldn't take back."

  "Ty." Elias placed his hands on Ty's cheeks. His fingers were gloveless and must've been cold on Ty's face, but Ty didn't flinch. "I'm not embarrassed by you, or your job." Ty flicked his eyes away, and Elias knew he had to work harder. "I used to be," he admitted. Those blue eyes came back to him. In the pale glow of the porch light, they were darker than normal. Running his hands down Ty's arms, he laced his fingers with Ty's gloved ones. "Ever since I was a kid, I wanted to be better than my birth parents. Better than a mom who left and a dad who sold drugs to kids. I had this vision of what my life would be like: good school, good job, good money, a nice home, eventually a good guy with a good job, and we'd live a good life together." He snorted at his own naiveté. "Sounds perfectly boring, doesn't it?"

  "No," Ty whispered. "It sounds nice."

  "But instead," he continued, voice matching Ty's, "I met the perfect guy with a great job he loves. Yeah, at first I was embarrassed by your job, but now I'm just embarrassed at myself because of this stupid, outdated ideal in my head of the type of guy I should end up with, and I let it colour how I felt about your work. It was insensitive and idealistic, and I apologize." He squeezed Ty's fingers. "It's what I should've said earlier, but I couldn't get the words out."

  But Ty was shaking his head. "Eli, you don't get it. If anyone's been insensitive, it's me. At least you had the decency to spare my feelings by not telling me what you thought about my job. I was an ass." He chuckled without humour. "I had no reservations in letting you know how I felt about your job. I must've made you feel awful, and you never called me out on it."

  Elias shrugged. "Because you were right. My job sucks." He laughed because he could say that now and not feel like he was betraying both himself and Top Line. "I do fire people for a living."

  Ty winced. "I'm sorry I said that."

  "No." Elias finally gave in to what he wanted and pressed his cold lips to Ty's. Ty snuggled closer, arms wrapping around Elias's back. Elias didn't mean to let it go further than lips against lips, but Ty gasped, and he couldn't help taking advantage of that open mouth. Licking his way inside Ty's mouth, he tasted chocolate, and his full-body shiver had nothing to do with the cold. Yet this kiss wasn't about sex. It was about comfort and apology and love and a need to feel close to Ty again.