Mustang Player: A standalone, small town, rock star romance.

by Eva Haining

  ARE YOU STILL THERE? LIVE CHAT WILL TIME OUT AFTER THIRTY SECONDS…

  JBG Anon: I know…

  Doctor: Do you still feel that way?

  JBG Anon: No.

  Doctor: I’m glad to hear that. So, tell me about some of the positive changes in your life right now. You’re working in a different field.

  JBG Anon: Yeah. I’m feeling good. I have made some new friends who don’t do drugs or drink like fish, at least when I’m around. The drinking, not the drugs. They don’t do them ever. Fuck. I’m not great with a keyboard. I just meant that they are good people. They have families, responsibilities, and they seem to care about me.

  Doctor: That’s great. Surrounding yourself with people who can be a stable and positive influence is good.

  JBG Anon: I met someone.

  Doctor: You have romantic feelings for this person?

  JBG Anon: Yes. I know I should wait, but what if I miss out on a person who could be the one?

  Doctor: I can’t tell you what to do. It’s recommended that you don’t start anything until you’ve been clean for a year, but ultimately, I can only advise. The choice is yours to make. I’m here to advise and help you find what works for you and your recovery.

  JBG Anon: You have it all figured out. I envy that. How old are you?

  Doctor: Old enough to have my license to practice. Does it matter to you if I’m young or old?

  JBG Anon: I guess not. I just have a picture of you in my head and wonder if I’m right.

  Doctor: And how do you picture me?

  JBG Anon: Like Santa. Old and gray and wise. You have your life figured out.

  Doctor: Then that’s what I look like. Whatever you feel comfortable with is fine. That is part of the beauty of online therapy.

  JBG Anon: True. I like it.

  Doctor: Going back to what you said about having a supportive group of friends, have you opened up to any of them about your struggles with addiction?

  JBG Anon: Not really. They know I’m a recovering addict, and they go out of their way to accommodate me and make me comfortable in social situations. I find that hard because I was always the life and soul of the party. They had only known me briefly before I overdosed. They didn’t know the fun side of me, and so I always felt like a pity invite. Like I bring everything down.

  Doctor: Have they ever said anything to that effect?

  JBG Anon: No, but people don’t just blurt out stuff like, ‘Hey, you’re a total drag to hang out with.’

  Doctor: In my experience, adults don’t often feel the need to spend time with people they don’t like. Once we leave the childish ways of high school behind, we realize we don’t have to put up with the bullies or the bores. Have you considered that they genuinely like to spend time with you?

  JBG Anon: I guess. One on one, I can have some laughs with them, but the crowd is a chore right now. I don’t like being everyone’s charity case. People shouldn’t have to lock their beer away and padlock the medicine cabin when I come over.

  Doctor: Again, is there the possibility that you’re blowing it out of proportion? If it were you and your sister, would you think twice about removing anything harmful to her from your home?

  JBG Anon: No. I’d do anything for her, but she’s family.

  Doctor: Family you chose. You can grow your family with friends who are looking out for your well-being. If something makes you uncomfortable, tell them. It’s not your place to project your feelings onto them. They want to help, and I understand you’ve lived a life of relying on no one but yourself, but it’s okay to let people in and allow friends to show up for you, just as you would do the same for them.

  JBG Anon: You hit the nail on the head there. I don’t really know how to let that guard down. I’ve been looking after myself since my first memories in this life. I’m not exactly doing a stellar job on my own. Maybe it’s time for a change.

  Doctor: You’re doing better than you think. I already see positive changes in you since we started our sessions. Keep taking those positive steps forward, and you’ll be surprised how far you’ve come and will continue to go on your journey to recovery. You already know the ugly truth of addiction. It’s not going to go away. You’re always going to be on this path of working to fight the desire to use.

  JBG Anon: What if I’m not strong enough to stay the course?

  Doctor: You are. I don’t have to be in a room with you to know you have strength you don’t understand or acknowledge. When you feel overwhelmed, look at the last sobriety chip you received. As the months increase and you reach new milestones, celebrate them. Every day you work to stay clean is a great day.

  JBG Anon: I want that one-year sobriety chip so badly. Starting over at day one was brutal, and it really dented my confidence that I can do this. If it weren’t for you getting me into a program, I probably wouldn’t be here.

  Doctor: You’re doing all the work. Remember that. You have to let the relapse go. Chastising yourself for it won’t help. You have a fresh start, and you’re doing well. One day at a time is all any of us can do.

  JBG Anon: Will I ever get to the point where I can look further ahead to the life I want for myself? To a life that could include someone else.

  Doctor: You’ll get there. The next time you go to a meeting, really listen to the stories of those around you. Some will inspire you, and others will let you see you’re not alone in the world. These people understand addiction, and those who inspire you will keep you going in your darkest hours. And one day, you’ll be that inspirational story for others.

  JBG Anon: I hope so. I have a meeting to get to right now.

  Doctor: Okay. Good timing. Our time is up for today, but I’d like you to work on some questions for our next session.

  JBG Anon: Questions for you?

  Doctor: No. I have questions for you. I’d like you to make some time to sit down and think about them and write your answers down so you can read them back later.

  JBG Anon: Shoot.

  Doctor: I want you to really think about why you considered ending your life when you overdosed. I know it is hard, but it’s a memory now. It can’t hurt you unless you give it the power to do so. You need to understand the root of those feelings that your life wasn’t worth the respect it deserves.

  JBG Anon: And that’s only question one?

  Doctor: Yes. I also want you to address your feelings for the person you are considering a relationship with. I want you to make a pros and cons list. What are the potential pitfalls for your continued recovery, and what do you feel could be positive aspects for your journey?

  JBG Anon: I can do that.

  Doctor: Good. If you need anything before our next session, feel free to reach out through the app. My messages are checked daily.

  JBG Anon: Thanks, Dr. Elliot.

  THE LIVE CHAT HAS ENDED…

  YOU WILL BE EMAILED A COPY OF THE TRANSCRIPT FROM TODAY’S SESSION.

  THANK YOU FOR CHOOSING E.J.S THERAPY ANONYMOUS.

  _____________________

  Seven

  Johnny

  Today, I’m a little nervous. It’s such a foreign feeling for me, and I am going to be playing to the smallest crowd in history. It’s one thing for the residents of K Falls to come to a Beyond New York concert that’s been planned for months. Asking them to attend a gig that consists of me and was planned a week ago isn’t exactly the same thing.

  “Your head is in the clouds today, bro. Where you at?” Jax and Maddox have had me busy on the grounds of the therapy center this week. It’s been great to see Ellie regularly, but it is not getting any easier to be around her without wanting to kiss her.

  “Gig tonight. Maybe we should’ve gone with the coffeehouse, then it wouldn’t be so embarrassing when three people turn up.”

  “Don’t be silly, you’ll have at least nine. Me and Sav, Mad and A.B., Hollywood and Maisie, Knox is back in town, I’m dragging Kirby out because he needs a break from his life, and your biggest fan, the lov
ely Ellie, will be there.”

  “Knox is back?”

  “Yeah. Didn’t Belle tell you? You avoided him the last time he was in town, so you can’t really do it again without being a colossal douche canoe.”

  “Is Belle with him?”

  “I don’t know. Are you two still on the outs? I thought y’all were family, tighter than two coats of paint.”

  “Family doesn’t always get along. She wasn’t exactly my biggest fan the last time we saw each other. And in truth, I wasn’t hers either.”

  “Then get your head out your ass and apologize. She sent you back here because she knew the cowboys could straighten you out.”

  “Fuck. When I’m ‘sent’ to Jax McKinney to get my life in order, I must’ve really fucked up.”

  “Yeah. I’m the poster child for bad-boy reform.”

  “Do you ever miss it? The excitement of a one-night stand. The thrill of flirting at the bar.”

  “Honestly, I really don’t. What I have with Sav is so much better than any of that. The moment I met her I knew there was something different about her. She played hard to get, but eventually, she couldn’t resist my charm.”

  “I want that with someone.” We continue to offload bales of hay in the stables at the center.

  “What’s stopping you? It’s as plain as the nose on your face that you’re into Ellie. She digs you, so what am I missing?” His question is genuine, and I find I welcome his ignorance of the twelve steps of recovery. Through his eyes, I have the potential to spark a relationship with Ellie.

  “She’s a therapist. Do you have any idea how many drug addicts she’s treated? She knows not to get involved with me.”

  “Horseshit. She’s into you. If there’s one thing I’m never wrong about, it’s reading a woman’s attraction.”

  “I know she’s attracted to me, and I want to take her to bed and never leave, but I haven’t reached a year sober, and that’s a deal-breaker for her.”

  “Is she worth the wait?”

  “I think so, but we’ve only hung out a few times. I don’t blame her for not wanting complicated. She moved here for the whole package… kids, stable husband, a normal life.”

  “And why are you here?”

  “Because I can’t stay clean on tour. I need something different in my life, and for now, you’re my best option.”

  “Fuck a duck. You’re screwed,” he jibes with a smile.

  “Right? Seriously, though, I appreciate you letting me work with you. I don’t feel like I’m getting babysat when we’re working. You don’t give a shit if I’m an addict.”

  “Not strictly true. I care if you’re an active addict. That shit isn’t cool. I consider you a friend, and I want you to keep the title of recovering addict. You’re a talented motherfucker, snowflake, and I promise there will be plenty of people to hear you play tonight.”

  “As long as there’s no afterparty, I’ll be okay.”

  “Oh, there’s an afterparty. Virgin margaritas, chips, and queso, and the kids might even let you watch Mulan with them.”

  “That sounds surprisingly decent.”

  As we finish emptying the truck, Ellie appears before me with a shy smile. God, I love the way her smile sets fireflies alight inside me.

  “Hey, cowboy, ready for tonight?” This was all her idea, and she’s been organizing the whole event this past week. I can’t believe she’s going to all this trouble for me.

  “The question should be, are you ready, friend?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Me… being me… sexy as hell, playing a guitar. You sure you can control yourself?”

  “That’s what I love about you, Johnny… your humility.”

  Jax erupts in laughter. “Way to ground our rock star, girl. You’re supposed to save that for after the performance. He’s got the fragile stage fright of a teenage girl.”

  She looks to me, a slight furrow to her brow. “He doesn’t get nervous, do you?”

  “Not usually, but my subtlety challenged friend is correct. I’m a little on edge.”

  Reaching out, she rests her hand on my arm, my muscles flexing beneath her fingertips. “Is there anything I can do for you? I pushed you to do this. If you’re not ready, we can cancel.”

  “Don’t give him the pity head tilt. Our boy has got this. Right, Johnny?” Jax interjects.

  “Definitely no pity.”

  “Do you know what’s a great remedy for nerves?” I just know he’s going to say something wildly inappropriate. “Sex. Sweaty, devil-may-care sex. Know anyone who’d want to ride our fledgling cowboy like a rodeo bull?”

  “Not cool, bro. Ellie and I are just friends. Isn’t that right, doc?”

  “Yep. No bumping uglies here.” I lower my head, rubbing my forehead, trying not to laugh. For a super-successful doctor, she can really put her foot in it at times.

  “Eloquent, my friend, eloquent.”

  Jax is ready with a quip, unable to let a comment slide in the name of social ease. “Ain’t nothing ugly about a naked woman.”

  “Of course, I wasn’t talking about me.” She gives as good as she gets, and I like that she’s so feisty. “I’m hot when I’m naked, but apparently, the men of this town don’t want to find out.”

  “I can set you up on a date if you want.” I elbow Jax in the ribs for that one, giving him the stink eye. “What? If you’re not going to see to her needs, she deserves some action. Look at her. It would be a waste of a hot naked girl.”

  “I’m fine finding my own dates, but thanks for that disturbing offer.”

  I haven’t thought to ask her if she’s dating anyone. When we hang out as friends, it’s a topic we avoid like the plague.

  “On that note, I’m going to go and impale myself on this pitchfork.” My mind is suddenly consumed with that small question—are you dating? “You’ll be there tonight, right?”

  “I wouldn’t miss it. I’m really looking forward to hearing you play.”

  “You haven’t heard this silver-tongued Casanova caterwauling and strumming away on his guitar yet? Best wear a diaper, Ellie, you’re going to be wet.” Jax seriously needs to learn when to keep his jokes to himself.

  The expression on her face is priceless. I think if the ground could open beneath her and swallow her whole, she’d consider it a small mercy. Ellie wet for me—that does things to me I can’t even put into words.

  “Jesus, Jax, I thought I was crass, but you take the cake.”

  He takes a bow. “Why thank you, it’s a talent.”

  Ellie turns her attention to me, her sparkling green eyes fixed on mine. “I’ll see you tonight… I’ll be the one in the front row, fangirling… wearing a diaper… just in case.” With a sly wink, she turns on her heels and walks off with that sashay in her hips I can’t get enough of.

  When she’s gone, I punch Jax’s arm, enjoying his reaction. “What the hell did you do that for? You’re going to be doing all the work now since my arm is fucking dead. Who knew someone so scrawny could pack such a punch?”

  “I’m not scrawny.”

  “You’re bulking up now that you work a real man’s job, I’ll give you that.”

  “Diapers, really?”

  “It was a joke. Besides, did you see the way she was biting her lip when I mentioned you getting her hot and bothered at the gig? She’s hook, line, and sinker turned on by you. You need to hit that before someone else snatches her up.”

  “Then why the fuck are you trying to speed up the process and offering to get her a date?”

  “I wanted to gauge her reaction. This whole ‘friends with no benefits’ thing y’all have got going on is dumb. You’re loading the wrong wagon. I’d bet my livelihood on y’all making the beast with two backs eventually, so you may as well embrace it sooner than later.”

  “Did you hear nothing I said earlier? I’m an addict.”

  “Stop peddling your excuses. Life handed you lemons, now make some goddamn lemonade already and quit wh
ining. If you’re not ready, then let it go. The flirting won’t help either of you in the long run. If you want to be with her, then you’ve got to tell her already and stop skirting around it.”

  “It’s more complicated than that.”

  “Love is always complicated.”

  “Whoa. Slow down there, cowboy. I never said anything about love.”

  He rolls his eyes at me before his expression sobers, evident in the lines of his face. “If you don’t already understand that a woman like her is going to make you fall hard and fast, then you should walk away. Ellie isn’t the kind of girl a man breaks up with. She’s the one who got away to every guy she’s ever dated. And for one lucky son of a gun, she’s forever. Don’t trifle with her, or A.B. will kick your ass up and down the State of Texas.”

  “I have no intention of hurting her, that’s why I’m being cautious. I know she could never be a one-night stand. We haven’t even kissed, and she’s all I think about.”

  “Stop waiting for your life to happen, bro. If you’re that crazy about her, you’ve got to be honest. A crush or chemistry is one thing, but if you believe, for a second, that she could be your lobster…”

  “My lobster? You didn’t just quote Friends in your sage wisdom.”

  “Even cowboys watch Friends. You get my point. Talk to her, tell her where you’re at and where you’d like to get to.”

  “Maybe after I have a few more sobriety chips under my belt.”

  “Fair enough. But let her know you’re coming for her when you get there. She came here looking for someone to share her life with.”

  “Can I just get through the gig tonight? Then, I’ll figure out what happens next.”

  “Deal. Are we getting any exclusive Johnny Reed originals this evening?”

  “Yeah. It’s amazing how much time you have to write songs in rehab. And a plethora of dark and twisty material to draw from.”

  “Why don’t you head home? I can handle the rest of this. You’ve got a gig to prepare for.”

  “Thanks. I might hit up a meeting before tonight. It’s been a while since I’ve performed, and I know there will be booze kicking around, which I’ve not had to deal with thus far. Y’all keep hiding beers and breaking out the sippy cups whenever I’m around.”