by Eva Haining
“Thanks for letting me crash the party, A.B. I better get going and leave you to get everyone settled for the night.”
“If you wait ten minutes, I’ll walk you home.” Johnny’s voice cascades down the stairs like a waterfall, every step a sweet caress.
“Okay.”
When I turn to A.B., she’s grinning ear to ear like the Cheshire Cat, so wide it’s disturbing. “A man who’s great with kids is such an aphrodisiac, isn’t it?”
“Nope.”
“Liar.”
“It’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.” My attempts to keep a straight face fail in the wake of her expectant stare. “I hate you.”
“You love me. Admit it, dads, uncles, they’re hot.”
“Fine, it’s ridiculously hot, and that’s why I should get going. Tell Johnny I was tired. There’s no way he’ll be back down here in ten minutes. Kids take forever to go to sleep.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure of that.”
“You ready?” Johnny catches me unaware. “Little guy was sparked out before I could finish the first page.”
I look to A.B. “He gets that from his daddy.” Her I-told-you-so smirk is annoyingly endearing.
“Then I guess we’re walking home now.” I throw her a glare over my shoulder as we head for the door. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
“Sounds good.”
Johnny is quiet until we’re down the front steps and the door is closed behind us. “Is everything okay? You and A.B. seemed like you had some inside joke going on.”
“I’m fine. She’s always enjoyed pushing my buttons.”
“You have buttons to push? What do they do? Anything exciting?”
“They get you a punch in the mouth if you press the wrong ones.”
“I’m sure I could handle your tiny, ineffectual fists.” I reflexively punch his arm. “See… nothing, but good try. You’re cute when you’re irritated.”
“Stop.”
“Stop what?” He reaches for my hand, intertwining our fingers as we stroll through the tall grass. I look to where our hands meet before pulling mine free.
“The flirting. The innuendos. The hand-holding. It’s confusing.”
“You know I like you, Ellie. What’s confusing about that?”
“You said yourself, we can’t start anything.”
“That was when we first met.”
“And our situation hasn’t changed since then.”
“Not true. I have another month of sobriety under my belt. That’s a pretty big change.”
“It is, and I’m so proud of you, but I want to be respectful of your journey, and if I say yes to you now, I’m afraid I won’t ever be able to say no.”
My revelation hangs in the air, and I quicken my steps as my house comes into view. If I can just unlock the door and get inside, maybe I can lock my desire away where it can’t do any harm.
“Ellie, wait up. Don’t run away from me.”
“I have to, or I’ll run straight into your arms and never let go. I promised to be your friend, and I love the time we spend together. And tonight… your songs… God, Johnny, do you have any idea what you do to me? I can’t bear it. It’s too hard.”
“What? Being my friend? It’s too hard, so what, we just stop hanging out?”
“Maybe. No. I don’t know. It would be better for you if I just stopped coming around, at least for now.”
When I reach my doorstep, Johnny is hot on my heels, stopping me before I go inside, hemming me in against the door. “Cutting you out of my life would be the worst thing that could happen, Ellie. Don’t you get it? I want you, and if that’s only as a friend, I’ll take it because it’s better than having none of you at all.”
“It’s for the best, but it is not what I want. Does that make sense? Maybe our timing isn’t right. I don’t know. When I’m around you, it feels so right, but when you’re gone, I know I should give you the space to find your own path.” My voice betrays me, quivering at his proximity. His breath is a gentle caress, and it takes every ounce of self-restraint not to kiss him.
“And if that path leads back to you?”
His lips brush against my cheek in a soft kiss, the scent of his cologne intoxicating me, making my body tremble. Butterflies take flight in the pit of my stomach but not with the gentle flutter of a wing. This sensation is more akin to the butterfly effect—the smallest of touches, the flap of a butterfly’s wings, causing a tsunami of want and desire to crash over me, consuming every fiber of my being. I’m suspended in this moment, unable to move.
“I’ll be here, and we’ll know this is for real.”
I know I should twist the handle and go inside, but I let myself get lost in his scent, the warmth of his skin against mine, and the way the scruff of his jaw gently scratches my cheek. His breath is heavy, his heart racing in time with my own. I inch just far enough back to tilt my face and press my lips to his.
Every nerve ending in my body tingles, sensation coursing through every cell, but it doesn’t overtake me. There’s no rush or animalistic devouring. Instead, we find ourselves locked on a long, languorous kiss—soft but firm and the lightest caress—yet it touches the depths of my soul, grabbing hold, forever changing me.
His hands slide up into my hair, but he doesn’t quicken the pace or attempt to take it further, completely content in this one perfect moment—a conversation spoken without words. I savor every second, memorizing the sweet taste of his mouth and the way his stubble offers a stark juxtaposition to the soft, fullness of his lips.
Long before I’m ready, he takes a breath, forcing himself to put distance between us. “It’s real.”
Without another word, he descends the stairs and leaves me standing on my front porch, bereft at the loss of his warmth and the hard planes of his body against mine. When he disappears between the trees, I head inside, pulling my phone out to call Piper.
Slumping down onto my couch as I wait for her to answer, I run my fingers over my kiss-swollen lips. The scent of Johnny’s cologne lingers on my skin, the taste of him still fresh on my lips, taunting me.
“Ellie! I was just about to drunk-dial you, my wonderful bestie.” She’s been drinking.
“Where are you?”
“Viper. Why?” Music blares in the background.
“I can barely hear you.”
“Is everything okay?”
“Yeah. Can we talk tomorrow?”
“Of course. Just wait until after eleven in the morning. I have a feeling my date is going to keep me up all night.”
“Have fun, Pipes. I miss you. Be safe.”
“I miss you too.” As I hang up the phone, I find myself uncomfortable in the silence. I can’t see myself getting much sleep tonight after that kiss. I have patient notes to write up, so I settle in for a few hours of focusing on other people’s problems rather than my own. Usually, I can forget about my own life when I immerse myself in work, but not tonight.
No matter what I do, I keep coming back to Johnny, to the way his lips felt on mine and the wild beat of his heart. I’m kidding myself that we can be friends until he’s in a good place for a relationship. If I’m honest, I don’t want to be his friend. I’m not sure I can handle having so little of Johnny—not after that kiss—because I know, deep down, that I’m already falling for him.
Nine
Johnny
Since the kiss I shared with Ellie weeks ago, I haven’t had a proper night’s sleep. She invades my thoughts, my lyrics, and my desire to stay clean. We’ve hung out since because we said we’d be friends, and when I’m ready—or she thinks I am ready—she’ll be here waiting for me. That’s not realistic. She’s an accomplished woman who could have her pick of any man, so how long is she really going to wait for me to get my life together?
Our interactions have become about group activities and public places. Hanging at the ranch with the eternal cockblocker, Jax, has become a staple of my week. The more I work the fields and the horses, the mo
re I enjoy it. I could definitely see myself doing it in the future. Everyone is so focused on getting me back out on tour, but no one has asked me if I even want it. If they did, I’m not sure what my answer would be.
For the first time in my life, there are possibilities in this world for me outside of music. Belle and her husband flew back into town last night, and I’m nervous to see her. The latest leg of the tour is over, and if everything goes well, I’ll be leaving with them to rejoin the band.
I haven’t seen or talked to Belle since the night she found me drunk and high in my hotel room. I know she’s been practicing tough love but knowing it doesn’t make it hurt any less. We’ve never gone this long without talking. Come to think of it, this is the longest we’ve ever gone without being in the same room together. I miss her a lot.
Knox invited me over to have lunch with them today, and as I walk the few minutes over to their house, I’m ashamed to think of the last time Belle saw me. It wasn’t my finest moment, and what transpired in the weeks after that day was even worse. I don’t know how much the guys in the band have told her about what’s been going on with me or if Knox has been talking with Mad and Jax at all.
When I get to the door, I find myself hesitating, unsure if I’m ready to have Belle reject me a second time. She’s my only family, and I’ve had enough rejection to keep my therapist in the lifestyle he’s accustomed to for many years to come.
I don’t know why I’m expecting Knox to open the door, giving me a few more seconds before I face my sister, so when I’m met with her soft embrace, I hold on tight. We don’t speak because the most important conversation requires no words. This is love in its purest form. I’m transported back to a different time when Belle was just a little girl cowering in the corner as her social worker brought her to stay with my then foster family.
She was nothing like the sassy, stubborn, confident woman she is today. I loved her instantly, and the feeling was mutual. We were only together for a year, but our familial bond has lasted a lifetime. In every way but blood, we’re brother and sister, and in this moment, I let myself drink it in.
“I’m so sorry, Johnny. I’ve hated every minute of these past months.”
“Me too. I’m so ashamed of the way I spoke to you and how much I hurt you the last time we were together.”
She cranes her neck back, staring up into my eyes, searching for…
“There you are. My Johnny. It’s nice to see you’re back.”
I pull her tight against my chest. “I won’t leave you again, Blue Bell. What I did to you… it was rock bottom for me.”
“Are y’all going to stand in the doorway letting the bugs inside? You’re in Texas now, and we don’t open doors for a breeze or an open invitation for every bug known to man.” Knox beckons us inside, and as I grudgingly relinquish Belle, he claps me on the back, leading me to the living room. “It’s good to see you, brother. You’re looking well.”
“How has she been?”
“Do you want the truth or the answer that’ll make you feel better?”
“Truth. I’m learning to live with the ugly truth of my life and my mistakes.”
“And how is it going?”
“I’m clean and taking it one day at a time.”
“That’s great. Belle has been miserable without you. If I weren’t confident in my wife’s undying love, I’d be a jealous man.”
“Then I’m grateful you know how much she loves you.”
“Do you know how much she loves you? A part of her heart stayed with you when we left. She wanted to come back and see you so many times, and her energy on stage just isn’t the same without you.”
I want to probe him for more information because I know Belle will hold back any details she thinks may upset me. She’s always been that way. But this is a conversation she and I need to have without going through a third party.
“Life isn’t the same without her either.”
“Would you like a coffee or water?”
“Coffee for me, baby.” Her whole demeanor is different when she’s with Knox.
“Coffee is good.”
“You guys go catch up with each other. I’m going to head out to the diner and get coffee and some lunch for us all. The refrigerator is virtually empty.”
“Sounds good.”
He kisses Belle with such reverence before he leaves, and it warms my heart to know she has him to rely on while I’m figuring out how to rebuild my life. She takes my hand and leads me over to their oversized sectional couch, pulling me down beside her in one corner. She always finds the smallest space to curl up in when she’s upset or anxious. Every apartment we ever shared had a cozy corner for her to retreat to. I love that some things haven’t changed. She wraps her arms around me, holding me close.
“Can you forgive me?”
“No. You did nothing wrong, Blue Bell. I’m ashamed of how I spoke to you as your friend and brother.”
“I shouldn’t have just left you to figure it out. You needed my help, and I walked away.”
“I needed help, but it was so much more than you could’ve given me. And it wasn’t fair for you to shoulder the burden.”
“What happened after I left?”
“Are you sure you want to know?” Her eyes fill with tears as she steels herself for what she’s about to hear.
“Yes.”
“I started using again. I went on a bender for weeks. Lots of meaningless sex, shady bars, and pills. The only redeeming moment was when I was sitting in a hotel room with a half-naked, high chick passed out in the bed.”
“How was that a redeeming moment?”
“I had a line of cocaine in front of me, and no one who was going to stop me. I didn’t take it, Blue Bell. I looked up emergency numbers, where I could find meetings, and I stumbled across an online therapy website. I spent an hour talking to a shrink, and they got me into a program that night.”
“You really didn’t take it?”
“I didn’t. I’m nowhere close to being okay, but I’m clean, and I want it. For the first time, I’m not trying to stay clean for someone else. I’m doing it for me because I want to have a life, Blue Bell. It’s not for you or the band. Yes, I’d like to be back on tour with you and enjoy everything we’ve worked so hard for over the years, but I can’t let that be my whole identity. If I don’t… and I know this is going to sound so lame… if I don’t find myself, I’m always going to find reasons to fall back into bad patterns.”
“Are you still talking with a therapist? I hear we have a new one here in town.”
“Those are two completely different topics of conversation for me. Yes, I’m still talking to the online therapist. He’s really good, and having that anonymity gives me a freedom I haven’t had before. I don’t feel judged by him if that makes sense.”
“Whatever works for you. But why wouldn’t you want to do in-person with the new therapist? I’ve heard she’s amazing.”
“She is. That’s the problem.”
Belle gets that look in her eyes I know all too well. She loves trying to find me a ‘good woman.’ “You like her! Why is that a problem?”
“It’s just bad timing. We were hanging out a lot as friends, but the flirting is out of control. I don’t know what it is about her, Blue Bell. I can’t stop thinking about her. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing, she’s there in my thoughts, calling to me like a fucking siren.”
“Does she feel the same way about you?”
“I think so, at least in the beginning. Our chemistry is undeniable, but she knows the steps of recovery. This is what she deals with day in and day out with her patients. We agreed to keep our relationship platonic, for now, but I find myself pulling back because the more I’m around her, the more I want her.”
“Sometimes being friends first works out better in the end.”
“She’s too good for me, but as hard as I’ve tried not to, I think I’m falling for her.” She wraps her arms around my neck, squeezing me
so tight she crushes my windpipe. “Ease up, Blue Bell, I can’t breathe.”
Knox arrives with our lunch and a smile spread wide on his face at the sight of us hugging it out. “Grub is up. I see you two are on better terms. Thank fuck for that. Your sister is the love of my life, bro, but she’s hard work when you’re not speaking to her on a regular basis.”
“Aww, did you miss me, Blue Bell?”
She doesn’t let go of me. “More than you’ll ever know.”
“I have a pretty good idea, just ask Jax. He’s been bearing the brunt of my perpetual bad mood for months.”
Belle untangles herself from me in the name of a good meal. The food smells great, and it’s so nice to sit around the table with her and Knox and just—be.
“I bumped into Mad at the diner. They invited all of us up to the ranch tonight for a barbecue. Y’all up for it?” he asks before eating half a burger in one bite.
“Sounds good to me. I’m going down there shortly anyway. I’ve been working on the ranch since I got back to town.”
“Really?” Belle can’t hide her surprise. “You don’t strike me as the cowboy type.”
“A man can change.”
“I’m going to cry. Our little rocker boy is becoming a real man,” Knox jibes. “You look like you’ve gained some more muscle since the last time I saw you.”
At his observation, Belle eyes me up and down, studying my physique. It’s a little disconcerting. “You’re ripped. What the hell?”
“Turns out I’m a healthy guy when I’m not ravaged by drugs. I’ve gained twenty pounds of muscle. I get up at four in the morning and work with Jax until evening. At first, I just needed something to do. Idle hands score drugs. Then, after a few weeks, I really started to enjoy the whole outdoor, manual labor vibe.”
“Wow. That’s awesome. Am I going to have a fight on my hands to get you back on tour?”
“Maybe. I’m not going to lie, it has crossed my mind. It’s one thing to be strong, healthy, and clean when I’m out of the lifestyle that’s fueled my addiction for years, but it’s an entirely different beast to stay clean on tour.”
