by Eva Haining
“Could you really walk away from music?”
“And there’s the crux of the matter. Music is what I live and breathe for, or at least I have up until this point in my life. I don’t know if I could give it all up, but I’m terrified of what could happen when I’m thrown back into my old life.”
“I get that. It can’t be easy for you. I know you want everyone to go about their partying on the road as if nothing has happened, but for me, I don’t think it’s realistic. I took my cues from you last time, even though I felt in my gut that it wasn’t the right approach. The guys can do what they like, but when you come back out with the band, I’m done with the afterparty scene. I’m going to be your tour sober buddy.”
“You don’t have to do that, Blue Bell. It’s not your job to look after me.”
“It wasn’t your job to take care of me when we were kids, but you did it anyway. You changed my life, and for that, I’ll never be able to repay the debt. This is a small show of my gratitude. Let me do this for you, Johnny. Please.”
“Best listen to her, bro. She won’t take no for an answer…” Knox interjects, “… and neither will I.”
“Fine, but only if you change the subject. Tell me what’s being going on with you guys.”
“I’ve been writing songs, and I was hoping you’d work on them with me while I’m back in town.”
“That’s a request I can get behind. I’ve been doing a lot of writing too. Maybe we can spend a few hours in the studio this week?”
“I’d love that. I can’t wait to hear what you’ve been working on.” Her genuine, soft smile warms my heart. “Now, back to this therapist you’ve got the hots for. Am I going to get to meet her?”
“I don’t have the hots… who am I kidding, I absolutely have the hots for her.”
“I thought you and Ellie were already a thing.” Knox glances in my direction. “You haven’t hit that yet? What are you waiting for?”
“You’ve met her?” Belle pouts, folding her arms over her chest. “I’m missing all the good stuff.”
“I’m sure she’ll be at the barbecue tonight. She and A.B. are old friends.”
“I like her already!”
“You’re not allowed to play matchmaker, okay? It’s complicated enough.”
“Scouts honor,” she says with a butter-wouldn’t-melt expression.
“Fuck. Just try not to embarrass me. I like this woman, and I’m trying to be a responsible guy and not rush it. She’s… different.”
“Oh my God, I’m so excited. Johnny Reed has grown a heart.”
“Unfair. I’ve always had a heart for you, Blue Bell.”
“And I want you to find someone who’ll cherish it as much as I do. You don’t see it, but I do. There are very few women who are good enough for my brother.”
“Don’t make me choke up. I’ve got an image to maintain.”
“That ship has sailed, bro,” Knox chimes in. “We all know you’re ooey and gooey inside.”
“And on that note, I better go and get to work. Jax is teaching me how to ride. I’m getting pretty good at it.”
“Who are you? And what have you done with my brother? What’s next, a ten-gallon hat?” Belle can’t help laughing at her own joke.
“Already in my closet, next to my cowboy boots.”
“Shut the front door.”
“I rock the cowboy look, Blue Bell. Just you wait.”
“You really are different.” She follows me to the door, wrapping her arms around me before I head out. “I’m so happy to see you doing better. I don’t ever want us to be on the outs with each other again. It was horrible.”
“I’ll do my best to stay clean.”
Her voice grows somber. “My love for you isn’t contingent on you being clean. I handled that whole situation wrong. I thought tough love was the only option I had left to try. I’ll never do that again. I love you, Johnny, no matter what.”
“You did the right thing. I needed a reality check, and it brought me to the path I’m on now. I want to thank you for doing what you did. I know how hard it was for you, and I always knew it came from a place of love.”
When I pull back, her eyes are glassy, thick with unshed tears. “Always.”
“No tears. I’ll see you tonight at the ranch. And please, go easy on Ellie. She’s been an amazing friend to me.”
“I can do that.”
Spending the afternoon riding, I can see why horse therapy is a thing. I’m not sure how to explain it, but riding through the fields of Mustang Ranch, commanding such a majestic animal, gives me a peace I’ve seldom found in life.
I’ve never been someone who’s happy to be alone with my thoughts, and yet when I’m riding, there’s a clarity I enjoy. I know what I want and who I want it with. As I gallop through the brush, for the first time in my life, it’s as if I’m outrunning my problems. I know they’re still there, but for a brief moment, my heart can soar without burden. It’s priceless.
After a long shower, letting the water pound against my shoulders, soothing the ache of muscles well used, I head over to the ranch. As the ranch’s central homestead comes into view, my breath catches, and my pulse quickens at the sight of Ellie laughing on the back porch, twirling with Mad’s daughter, Ruby, as music carries on the breeze. Her hair cascades down her back in loose waves, and the hem of her dress sways as she moves.
The moment she spies me coming, a genuine grin lights up her face as she tucks a tendril of hair behind her ear. We haven’t spent much time alone since the night we kissed, but we see each other almost every day at the ranch. There are stolen glances when we cross paths and laughs when we’re in the safety of this amazing group of friends I’ve come to know and love.
She’s the first person I go to when I reach the house, pulling her into my arms, settling for a hug when all I want to do is kiss her. “Hey, girl. It’s great to see you. You look beautiful tonight. You should twirl more often.”
“Hey, Johnny.” She presses a gentle kiss to my cheek, lingering a moment longer than friendship dictates. “I saw you out riding earlier. The cowboy lifestyle suits you.”
“Oh, you like watching me with all that power between my legs?” Her breath hitches, and she shies away, her cheeks flushing at the thought.
She takes a moment to compose herself before reverting to our default setting—friends without benefits. “How have you been?”
“Good. You’ve seen me every day. Surely, you already knew the answer.”
“I guess, but we haven’t hung out, just the two of us. I miss it.”
“Me, too, but I’m trying to respect your wishes.”
“Johnny, about that…”
“You must be Ellie!” Belle and Knox have arrived, and it would seem my sister forgot her promise not to embarrass me. “I’ve heard so much about you.”
“Not all bad, I hope.”
“The opposite. My brother has only good things to say when it comes to you.”
“Is that right?” She looks up at me through hooded lashes, and it’s so hot it makes my cock twitch.”
“Of course.” I reach out and run the back of my hand down her cheek. “Always. Only the good things for you, Ellie.” She leans into my touch, her eyes flitting shut, savoring the moment for just a fraction of a second.
“Food is ready.” A.B.’s voice breaks the spell, and I snatch my hand back as if it’s on fire. I don’t know what came over me.
“That’s our cue, Bells. Let’s leave these two to talk.” Knox comes to my rescue, dragging Belle off to chat with everyone else.
There are a few more people here tonight. The guy who owns the local bar, Cardinals—I think his name is Kirby—and his kids have joined the fray. I remember Knox spending a lot of time with him last year when his wife died. Even now, the man looks gaunt, haunted by the ghost of a life he never saw coming. I know that look well.
“So, your sister is in town. She seems nice. You must be thrilled to see her.” Ellie takes a
step back, putting some physical distance between us.
“Yeah, I had lunch with her today, and it was just what I needed.”
“That’s great, Johnny. I’m really happy for you.”
“What about you? What have you been up to?”
“A.B. set me up on a date the other night.”
“Oh.” I wasn’t expecting that. I have no right to pass comment, and yet every cell in my body radiates with jealousy so fierce it threatens to rip me apart from the inside out.
“I just went to shut her up about it.”
“Did you have fun?” I don’t want to know the answer.
“It was… fine. Nothing special. There was no spark. Not like u…” She stops herself before finishing her sentence. “I don’t think I’ll be going on a second date.”
“Plenty more fish in the sea, right?” I shove my hands in my front pockets, even more uncomfortable having caressed her cheek with the intimacy of a lover only moments ago. “Anyway, I should go grab a bite before Jax rams it all in his face. The man could eat an entire Thanksgiving turkey in one sitting.”
I turn to walk away, but she catches my wrist. “Johnny.”
Taking a deep breath, I steel myself before meeting her gaze. “Yeah?”
“There are plenty of fish in the sea, but they’re never going to be what I want because none of them are… you.”
Ten
Ellie
What am I doing? The second it leaves my lips, I regret it. Johnny looks hurt rather than happy about my revelation. It doesn’t matter how hard I fight it, I can’t get my feelings for him under control.
“I…” He stands dumbstruck, frozen to the spot until Belle appears at his side with a plate piled high with food.
“The boys are devouring everything, so I thought I better grab you a plate before there was nothing left.” She thrusts it into his hands and starts chatting with me until there’s no trace of the moment Johnny and I just shared or didn’t share.
After a while, Johnny leaves us to talk, relieved to get away from me.
“So, Ellie, I hear you and A.B. go way back. That’s so cool. It must have been nice to have a familiar face when you moved to town.”
“Yeah, it was. It already feels like home.” I’m an ignorant conversationalist right now, my gaze following Johnny wherever he goes. Every time he meets my gaze, he’s quick to busy himself talking to anyone but me.
“He likes you. He more than likes you.” It appears Belle is a no-nonsense kind of woman. “If you don’t feel the same way, please don’t hurt him. He’s been through enough pain and disappointment to last a lifetime.”
“I’d never want to hurt your brother in any way.”
“Then, if you’re not open to something more than friendship, you should stay away. He doesn’t know what’s good for him, and if you give him a glimmer of hope that you want more, he’ll take it, no matter the consequences.”
“He and I have always been friends. Nothing more.” By the look on her face, she sees right through me.
“Do you want more? I’m sorry for being blunt, but I know him better than anyone, and for once, he’s doing really well. He is happy, and I know a big part of that comes from his ‘friendship’ with you, so I don’t want you to misunderstand me. If you have feelings for him, then go for it, but if you have no intention of acting on the chemistry, please don’t encourage him.”
“I understand. He’s very lucky to have a sister looking out for him.”
“Yeah, but I wasn’t here when he needed me. You were.” She starts chewing on her bottom lip. “I’m so sorry for coming on heavy just now. It’s none of my business, and I have no right to tell you otherwise. I should be thanking you for taking care of him when I couldn’t.”
“He’s been taking care of himself, Belle. He’s doing the work and making the necessary changes in his life. The credit belongs solely with him.”
“You’re a shrink, right?”
“Yes, I’m a therapist.”
“Do you think he’s really got a handle on things this time?” The worry etched in her brow warms my heart.
“It’s not my place to say, Belle. He’s not my patient, he is my friend. If you want my opinion from a personal point of view, I believe he is in a really good place and is taking responsibility for his choices. He is…” I struggle to maintain composure, overwhelming emotion blindsiding me. “He’s an amazing man.”
“Then what are you waiting for?”
“I don’t want to mess it up. Him up. Us up.”
“The longer you spend pushing him away, the more certain it is that whatever you two share will be derailed. He’s never looked at a woman the way he looks at you. I can tell you that after ten minutes of watching the way he interacts with you.”
“Really?” I want to believe her, but I’ve been putting up walls for months now, scared to step over that line with Johnny—over a line that can’t be undone.
“Really.” She pats my shoulder before going off in search of her husband. “You make him brighter somehow, and as his sister…” her eyes well with tears, “… it’s so beautiful to see that in him.”
“Thank you.” I force the words past the lump forming in my throat. When she walks away, I take the opportunity for a breather, finding a quiet spot on the other side of the wraparound porch for a few minutes, but it’s not long before Johnny comes looking for me.
“Are you okay? What did Belle say to you? Did she upset you?”
“No, she’s wonderful. I can see why you love her so dearly. She is fiercely protective of you.”
“I fucking knew she’d go off on some tirade. I shouldn’t have left you alone.”
“Stop. There was no tirade. I feel like I got to see another side of you through her eyes.”
He takes a seat beside me on the creaky old porch swing. “And did you like what you saw?”
“Yes. A woman doesn’t give that kind of loyalty and devotion to a man unless he’s deserving.”
“About what you said earlier.”
“Can we not talk right now? Would it be okay if we put a pin in it for tonight and just sit and enjoy the sunset?”
“We can do that.” He leans back, sliding his arm along the back of the swing. “You realize you’d need a periscope to see it on this side of the house, right? The sun sets in the west. We’re facing east.”
“Oops.”
He stands, offering his hand, which I gladly take. “I know a great spot to watch the sunset. Come with me.” We sneak around the side of the house and into the tall grass. If the rest of them notice, they don’t follow us. When we’re halfway through the field, he stops and stomps the grass until it’s flat enough for us to sit down.
He lies back, crossing his arms over his head. “Lie with me.”
“What about bugs? I don’t want bugs crawling in my hair.”
“Then rest your head on my chest. I’ll make sure nothing gets you.”
“Won’t we miss the sunset if we’re staring upward?”
“Just do it. This is the perfect spot. There’s a dip in the field from this point down. It has to be the only damn hill in this town, but if you get it just right, the view is incredible.”
I slowly ease myself down, adjusting my dress so I don’t flash my panties. When my head comes to rest on his chest, my insides begin to somersault, and my heartbeat quickens in time with his. “Your heart is racing.”
“I know.” He doesn’t say another word, his gaze fixed on the horizon.
“It’s beautiful.” We lie in silence, the idle chatter up at the house buzzing in the air between us. There’s so much to be said, but neither one of us is ready to truly voice our feelings. Caution is ever-evolving, and once you’ve programmed yourself to exercise it, it can be tough to push past.
We lie in the crackling silence of our unspoken feelings as the night sky darkens, blanketing the ranch in its warm embrace.
“I suppose we should make our way back to the house. They’ll a
ll be wondering where we disappeared to.”
“Let them wonder for a few more minutes.” I rest my hand on his chest next to my head, breathing in the scent of his cologne. All I want is to stay here, in this moment, with him.
He brushes my hair off my face with such a tender intimacy that goes far beyond friendship. “A few more minutes.”
By the time we head back to the house, the kids have gone to bed, and some guests are already gone. Jax and Mad are sitting on the back porch with a beer in hand. When they see us coming toward them, Mad slides his beer out of sight, but Jax is sitting there with a shit-eating grin on his face.
“You’ve got grass in your hair, doc.” He gives me a sly wink. “Did you two have fun?”
“We were just watching the sunset. Nothing more.”
“If you say so.”
“Mad, I appreciate you trying to accommodate me, but you don’t have to hide your beer.” Johnny smiles, and I can see what a big step forward this is for him. “I’m doing well, brother, and a huge part of that is this place.” He gestures to the house. “Y’all have given me somewhere I feel at home, and I know I needed any temptation kept out of my way when I first came to town, but I’m stronger now.” He glances at me, and my stomach flip flops under his heated gaze. “I’m really doing good. I’m ready to move forward.”
“Are we still talking about beer?” Jax interjects.
“If you’re sure.” Maddox understands the gravity of this moment, and I’m sure Jax does, too, but he likes to bring levity to every situation.
“I’m sure.”
“Well, okay then.” He takes his beer back in hand, more as a gesture than anything else. Neither he nor Jax takes a sip.
Johnny walks me home, and I wait for him to make a move, but he’s a gentleman, offering no more than a cursory kiss on the cheek. I was sure that after tonight there would be an opportunity, but the intimacy of our evening spent lying in the field is lost as I watch him leave, striding down my driveway without a glance over his shoulder.
Johnny has been scarce this past week. I figured we’d hang out, maybe grab dinner, but I haven’t even really seen him in passing on the ranch. Maybe I shouldn’t have told him the only fish I want is him.
