by Eva Haining
“It’s not really any of your business. What happens between Ellie and me is just that… between us.”
“I’d agree with you if it were anyone else, but Ellie is everything to me. She’s dated a string of bad boys who promised her the world and then broke her heart. She’s a serial offender, and you may be reformed right now, but you’re living in a Hicksville bubble. It’s all moonlight and roses, Pepsi, and movie nights. When reality kicks in and Ellie’s not around to keep you on the straight and narrow, are you going to be strong enough to tell the fangirls to keep their legs shut?”
“Wow, you have a really high opinion of me, don’t you?” She stares me down, unfazed by my protestations.
“It’s nothing personal.”
“I disagree. I’d say it’s about as personal as it gets.”
“Either way, I don’t want to watch Ellie get her heart broken. If you relapse, cheat on her, or God forbid, succeed in overdosing yourself to death, she’ll never recover. She’s in love with you, and I admit, I’ve never seen her like this before. That’s why I’m scared for her.”
“I respect you looking out for her. I do the same for my sister, but I have no intention of becoming that guy again. This isn’t a temporary change for me, Piper. I haven’t been playing house and making nice with the pretty girl in town. Even if Ellie were out of the picture, I’d still be on this path. I didn’t come to K Falls to find love, she just kind of slid under the radar, and before I knew it, I was in love with her. I didn’t want to be. Is that the honesty you’re looking for? I didn’t want to fall in love with Ellie. I tried to ignore my feelings for her, not only for my recovery but because I know she deserves so much better than a guy like me.”
“I won’t argue with you on that one.”
“But no matter how hard we fought, we couldn’t tame, quash, or ignore it. She’s the one, Piper. Ellie is it for me, and I don’t plan on messing that up. I know a good thing when I’ve got it. You could parade every resident of the Playboy mansion in front of me, and I wouldn’t give them a second glance. I don’t need to tell you that Ellie is the whole package. She’s smart, beautiful, funny, and kind. I’ve never known anyone like her, and when I think about my future five years from now, ten years from now, she’s in it, front and center.”
“You’re killing me here, Johnny. I want to be a ball-buster to make sure Ellie’s heart is well protected, but I believe you.”
“Then pass the baton. Let me be the one to protect her heart. I promise you I’ll guard it as fiercely as you do.”
“You better.” We hug it out before Ellie gets back, and when she spies us sitting at the dining table, deep in conversation, she seems suspicious.
“I half expected to come back to you two… well, I don’t know what… sniping at each other. But you seem all buddy-buddy. Should I be worried?”
“We understand each other. Isn’t that right, Piper?” Ellie purses her lips.
“You worry too much. I’m passing the baton.”
“What?” She’s so cute when she finds herself perplexed by something.
“Never mind. It’s all good, bestie. You’ve got yourself a keeper.”
“I think so.” Her gaze finds mine, and it’s all I can do not to throw her over my shoulder and take her to bed.
“I know so.” I pull her down into my lap and kiss her as if my life depends on it.
“Stop, or I’ll beat you with the baton. Geez, how can anyone in this town stand to hang with you two? You can’t go more than five minutes without eating each other’s face off. A kiss isn’t supposed to be like a praying mantis documentary.”
“If you don’t like it, Pipes, just stop looking.” Ellie fists my hair in her hands, deepening our kiss, relishing her friend’s groans of disgust. I love the sensation of her smiling against my lips as she tries to calm her breathing. When she moves to get up, I hold tight to her waist.
“I’m going to need you to sit here for a minute or two. I have a… problem.”
Piper chuckles across the table. “Is your itty, bitty weeny standing at attention?”
“There’s nothing itty bitty about it.”
“Yes, yes, I’m sure it’s a mighty oak tree, blessed in both length and girth.”
“Can we not talk about my cock? It’s just weird when you say the word ‘girth.’ It is the equivalent of when a guy refers to a woman’s pussy as moist.”
She slams her hands over her ears, closing her eyes so tight she has crow’s feet. “No! I’ve kicked guys out of bed for using that word. It’s so unsexy.” I wait until she drops her hands.
“What, m-o-i-s-t?”
“La la la, I’m not listening. Girth, girth, girth.”
“Okay, truce?”
“Truce… girthy.”
“Is it strange that I prefer the nickname girthy to Teddy Ruxpin?”
“Oh shit, we’re discussing Teddy Ruxpin’s girth. My childhood memories have just taken a dark and twisted turn for the worst.”
“You and me both.” Life with Ellie and her BFF definitely won’t be dull, I’ve learned that much this week. I didn’t have to resort to reciting song lyrics to get rid of my chubby—Piper put paid to that with the teddy bear girth chat.
Dinner is uneventful but filled with laughter. Piper grilled me for stories from the road. The guys and I have had our fair share of Kodak moments over the years, and some of the sights you see backstage make for hilarious dinner conversation. The best part is you don’t even need to exaggerate this stuff—it’s wild.
When it is time to call it a night, I reluctantly unravel myself from Ellie’s half-asleep tangle of limbs on the couch. We started watching a movie, but she was gone in the first half-hour. “I better get going and let you go to bed, sweetheart.”
Piper is snoring in one of the armchairs, and Ellie takes the opportunity to sneak me into her room. “Don’t go. Stay here with me. I haven’t gotten to fall asleep in your arms all week. I miss you.”
“I don’t want to get in the way of your time with Piper.”
“Well, she’s out for the count now. A freight train could come through here, and she’d still be sound as a pound.” Before I summon the will to leave, she presses her lips to mine in a gentle caress, full of promise and slow-burning desire. I’m helpless to do anything other than taking her to bed and lose myself in her until morning.
SESSION
_____________________
YOU ARE NOW ENTERING THE LIVE CHAT…
JBG Anon: What’s up, doc!
Doctor: Hello, Jay. You seem in good spirits today.
JBG Anon: I am. I can honestly say I feel like I’ve turned a corner.
Doctor: Well, that’s great to hear. Why don’t you tell me what’s been going on since our last session?
JBG Anon: This week, I wasn’t thinking about drugs or the lack of drugs in my life. I was just enjoying feeling like myself again.
Doctor: That’s a huge breakthrough.
JBG Anon: I can’t even really say I feel like myself again because it’s been so long since I’ve been someone other than ‘the drug addict.’ I don’t think I’ve ever felt this good, mentally or physically.
Doctor: And what do you attribute this change of heart to? What are you doing differently in your life and recovery this time?
JBG Anon: To say it’s everything would be too simple, but honestly, it is a culmination of every aspect of my life. Where I live now has become home. A real home where I see myself putting down roots. My relationship is going well, and I don’t have any worries about it being a crutch because I don’t feel like my continued recovery is tied to it. We’re equals, and that’s all I’ve ever wanted. Someone who sees me for me and doesn’t judge me on the mistakes I’ve made.
Doctor: Mutual respect is imperative. I’m thrilled you hear that.
JBG Anon: I finally feel like I’m ready to get back to work, and it excites me rather than filling me with dread. Even just a few months ago, I don’t think I would have be
en able to say that.
Doctor: I don’t think you’d have been able to say that a month ago. You’ve made real strides in your recovery.
JBG Anon: I think the fact that I’m realistic about it is helping me to keep any anxiety in check. It won’t be easy, and there will be times where I’m put in a position of opportunity, but knowing it seems like half the battle. I know I can’t just forget about it and grow complacent. Being aware and staying ahead of the curve will be key if I want to maintain my recovery long-term.
Doctor: This is the realization I’ve been waiting for from you. The moment you figure out that addiction is a life-long battle that needs to be met head-on, you take a hundred steps forward. Will there be times you take a few steps back? Yes. But knowing it will help you avoid a setback that could lead to the line of coke you had in front of you the first day you reached out and asked for help.
JBG Anon: I’m still terrified of that line.
Doctor: You should be. It was your ‘line in the sand.’ That sounds corny, but you chose to land on the right side of that decision, and the purpose of rehab and therapy is to give you the tools to prepare you for the day you stand face to face with that line again and a heavy weight of temptation on your shoulders. It’s a decision to keep choosing the right side of the line. A decision that only you can make, and now, you’re strong enough to see that. Remember, it isn’t something that just happens to you. You aren’t a bystander in your own life. You make the decisions, good and bad, and it’s up to you to learn and move forward.
JBG Anon: You’re a wise man, doc. I wouldn’t be here without you.
Doctor: This is all you. Accept the credit as readily as you accept blame.
JBG Anon: You’re right, I’m awesome.
Doctor: Exactly. Now, let’s discuss some things you can do when you return to your regular routine to ensure your continued mental and physical health.
JBG Anon: I return to work next week.
Doctor: Then it’s essential that you have a plan. What are some ideas you have on continuing your recovery in familiar circumstances that may have triggered you to use in the past?
JBG Anon: First and foremost, not to push away the friends who support me. I’ve always been a lone wolf, even when it hurt rather than helped me. I have discussed my work schedule with my sponsor, and we’re working to make regular check-ins. I keep a journal of sorts, and I’ve found it helpful in recent months. I can look back and see the difference in who I was and who I’m becoming.
Doctor: That’s great. I’m glad you’re working closely with your sponsor. Have you given any more thought to trying in-person therapy?
JBG Anon: Getting bored of me?
Doctor: Not at all. I think this form of treatment has been very beneficial for you.
JBG Anon: It has and still is. I’d like to continue online treatment. I may be doing well right now, but I know a bad day can be the difference between another thirty-day chip and starting over at day one.
Doctor: You’re well on your way to getting your one-year chip. Three months to go.
JBG Anon: Yep. Counting the days. It’s an arbitrary milestone, but it means a lot to me. I don’t anticipate feeling cured when I have it in my hand, but I do think it’s something I’ve been striving for and missed out on in the past.
Doctor: If only getting that chip came with a ‘cure.’ But I don’t believe it to be arbitrary. It’s something you should celebrate. I hope you take the time to acknowledge it.
JBG Anon: I will.
Doctor: Shall we continue with weekly sessions once you return to work, or do you feel you’re ready to move to once every two weeks?
JBG Anon: I guess that’s the goal long-term, but I don’t want to get ahead of myself. I know my return to work will dredge up a lot of feelings for me, and I wouldn’t want to leave myself with no one to talk to.
Doctor: Do you discuss your addiction with friends or your partner?
JBG Anon: Not really. I don’t want everything in my life to be about my addiction. They are all very supportive and let me take life at my own pace, but I don’t really talk about it in any great depth. That’s what I pay you for, right?
Doctor: True.
JBG Anon: I know what you’re getting at, but I don’t even think I’d speak to you this way if I were sitting on a couch across from you.
Doctor: Why do you think that is?
JBG Anon: I’m not sure. Maybe because it’s just me and a keyboard. The illusion that I am essentially having a discussion with myself. You don’t seem real sometimes, and it’s as if I’m seeing myself through the looking glass. Does that make sense?
Doctor: You see yourself reflected back.
JBG Anon: Yeah, except I’d never have been able to strip back the layers and ask myself the most difficult questions. When you do it, I know there’s no judgment. I think if we were face to face, I’d see judgment on your face, even where there’s none.
Doctor: I understand that. We see what we want to see at times rather than the reality that’s staring us in the face.
JBG Anon: Right. I just want to thank you for everything you’ve done for me.
Doctor: Are we saying goodbye? You’re writing the epilogue when we’ve got many more sessions ahead.
JBG Anon: I guess I just feel like the next step is a fresh chapter. I’m feeling great today, so I am giving you props. What you’re doing here with me, and I’m sure many other people, is important. Some of us can’t express ourselves in the outside world, and having a place to come and, for all intents and purposes, bear my soul, has been life-changing for me. I’ve told you things I’d never want anyone I love to hear. Not because it would change their view of me but because it would change my view of me.
Doctor: This is why we started this practice, to provide a safe space to explore your issues and deal with them in your own time and in your own way. Thank you for taking the time to tell me this today. It’s very much appreciated.
JBG Anon: So, we’ll continue with the weekly sessions for the foreseeable future. I don’t see me being un-fucked-up any time soon. Lucky I’m getting back to work so I can afford all this therapy.
Doctor: There’s a silver lining in every situation.
JBG Anon: Now that, I agree with. Lately, I find myself grateful for my relapse.
Doctor: In what way? That’s not an observation I thought I’d hear from you.
JBG Anon: If I’d carried on the way I had been, I would still be miserable and going about my life halfheartedly. Hell, I might’ve been dead by now. My recovery since my relapse has been completely on my terms. I’ve cut everything from my life that was detrimental, and I found a life I never thought I could have. Do you have any idea how amazing that is? I’m alive because I want to be. I work because I want to, and I love because I choose to give of myself freely. And to have that reciprocated is transcendent.
Doctor: You are quite the wordsmith. I couldn’t have put it better myself.
JBG Anon: Thanks, doc.
Doctor: You’re in a good place, and I’m tentatively confident that your return to work will be a step forward, and as you said so eloquently earlier, a fresh chapter in your life.
JBG Anon: On that note, I better get going. I’ve got a few loose ends to tie up before my return to the big bad world. I have something special planned for my partner this weekend.
Doctor: I hope it all goes according to plan. We’ll speak next week.
JBG Anon: Later, doc.
THE LIVE CHAT HAS ENDED…
YOU WILL BE EMAILED A COPY OF THE TRANSCRIPT FROM TODAY’S SESSION.
THANK YOU FOR CHOOSING E.J.S THERAPY ANONYMOUS.
_____________________
Fifteen
Ellie
“It’s my last night in town, so we have to go to the local bar. It’s the law.”
Piper leaves tomorrow after an amazing week together. She’s been at the therapy center with me every day, helping out and taking the opportunity to go out riding.
Mad and Jax have been so welcoming, and she and Johnny seem to be getting along. He took her out riding today with A.B., Savannah, Belle, and Maisie. I’m sure Jax gave him no end of shit for going out with the ladies, but I just love that he wanted to spend the time getting to know my best friend.
I don’t want her to go, but she has a life to go back to, and I can’t be selfish about it. She supported me when I moved here, and I owe her the same supportive friendship that she wants to stay in New York. It’s just been so nice having her here.
Tonight, she wants to visit Cardinals and have a few drinks before her flight tomorrow. I haven’t had so much as a glass of wine since I started dating Johnny, but he was almost as insistent as her.
As we wander into town, Piper loops her arm through mine. “So, I assume you’re not a regular at this place?”
“No. I tend to go places without a full wall of temptation for my boyfriend.”
“How is he doing? Really. He seems great, and he’s obviously in love with you.”
“Why do I sense a ‘but’ coming?”
“You’re my best friend, so no matter how great a guy is, I’m always going to be looking out for you. He goes back on tour in a few weeks, right?”
“Yeah. I thought tonight was about fun.”
“It is. I just want to make sure you are in a good place emotionally with all this. You’ve been through a lot of changes this year, and everyone here is amazing, but they’re all focused on Johnny and what he needs to succeed. What about you? You’re my only concern, and I don’t want to see you get your heart broken when he finds himself immersed in the lifestyle that got him into trouble in the first place. He’s a known ladies’ man, and we both know he is going to have women throwing themselves at him left and right. And a lot of them will be drunk and high. Have you guys spoken about what happens when you’re not in the Kingsbury Falls bubble of love and devotion?”
“Just drop it, Pipes.” I’m not ready to face her barrage of questions because if I’m honest, I’ve been asking myself everything she just said for weeks. I want to make a long-distance relationship work because the alternative is having no relationship at all. This is who he is—a rock star whose life will always be split between hotels, recording studios, and here in Kingsbury Falls. This was only supposed to be a stop-gap for him, and some days, I let myself believe it’s more.
