Mustang Player: A standalone, small town, rock star romance.

by Eva Haining

  As the first chords ring out and a sea of fans scream and chant, I pull out my phone and type a quick text to Knox. I know he’s traveling with Belle right now, so he can tell me where they’re staying. I didn’t want to message Johnny before the performance in case it threw him off in some way. In that scenario, I’m assuming I have any kind of power over his emotions at this point.

  Johnny and I have a long way to go if we’re going to get past this whole therapy issue, but I’m in this for the long haul.

  Me: Hey, Knox. Can you tell me where you guys are staying tonight? I came to speak to Johnny.

  I anxiously await the dreaded typing dots.

  Knox: You’re here?

  Me: Yeah. Tell me it’s not the worst idea on the planet.

  Knox: Are you at the gig? Where are you? I’ll come find you.

  Me: Nose-bleeds. I want to watch them play. I haven’t seen this side of Johnny. They’re pretty great in front of 70,000 people.

  Knox: Meet me at the south entrance after the gig. I’ll bring you backstage.

  Me: How’s he been?

  Knox: He’s hurting.

  Me: I’ll see you after the show.

  Knox: See you then.

  I didn’t need Knox to tell me Johnny’s hurting right now. I’m at my lowest ebb, and it wasn’t my privacy that got violated. The how and why aren’t what matters, I see that now. Johnny is aware that I’d never knowingly deceive him, but I still can’t take back the information that’s passed between us.

  I don’t expect him to sweep me off my feet and declare his undying love for me tonight. Life isn’t like the movies, and he’s vulnerable right now. To me. To himself. To his addiction. All I want to do is tell him I love him. I need him to look in my eyes when I say it and see that for me, nothing has changed. He’s still the man I fell in love with, and if anything, I respect him more now, understanding the struggles he’s faced in the time we’ve been together and for most of his life before finding himself in Kingsbury Falls.

  In this moment, I set aside my fears of what may happen when I come face to face with Johnny tonight and relish watching him in his element. Seeing him perform an acoustic set for the residents of our little town was intimate and so beautiful—like he allowed us a window into his soul for a few short hours. Being here in a sold-out stadium, witnessing his energy and talent on a huge scale is awe-inspiring.

  There are massive screens on either side of the stage, giving a close-up view of the band, and when Johnny’s face comes up, the screams get louder, every woman around me chanting his name, just about losing their minds at the sight of him. I can’t even be jealous because he’s breathtaking to watch.

  After a few high-energy songs, Belle quiets the crowd and beckons Johnny to center stage.

  “Hey, New York, you know Johnny, right?” The crowd goes wild. “I thought so.” Belle is like a different person on stage. My small-town friend is a force to be reckoned with. Stunning and effortlessly at ease in the spotlight.

  “Hey, everyone,” Johnny’s dulcet tones echo through the sound system, sending a jolt of electricity straight to my core. Flashes of that low rasp of his whispering ‘I love you’ or roaring my name in the throes of passion overwhelm me, and I begin to sob. My cries are masked by the sea of adoring fans clapping for him. “We’re going to dial it down for a few minutes.” A guy appears from the wings, bringing a stool for Johnny to perch on before handing him a different guitar. “This one is called “You Gave Me Wings to Fly.” I wrote this song for… someone very special to me. I hope y’all like it.”

  As he strums the strings, it’s like a sweet caress breathing life back into my heart as his voice takes on an ethereal quality. The crowd falls silent, entranced by his every word. The haunting melody is only outshone by the beauty of his lyrics—the ones I’ve been reading multiple times a day since he left. It’s the note he left me and the last song lyrics in the journal. My mediocre mind could never have imagined such a stunning melody.

  I can’t take my eyes off him, and yet he’s a blur through the tears that fall unabashed as I witness art in its purest form. When the song ends, Johnny rests his pick on his lower lip and runs his hand through his hair. Projected on the big screens, he’s the epitome of a rock star, oozing sex from every pore. There isn’t a woman in this arena who wouldn’t jump at the chance to warm his bed and witness the earth-shattering, soul-destroying sight of him as he crashes over the edge of orgasm. What they don’t know is that once you’ve experienced him in that way, you’ll never be the same again.

  No matter what happens with Johnny and me, he has fundamentally changed the person I am and the woman I aspire to be. He taught me to love without question or reservation.

  By the time the concert ends, I’m a mess and questioning whether I’m in any fit state to see Johnny tonight. My eyes are almost swollen shut from crying—a mixture of heartbreak and unbridled love and devotion. It takes time for people to start filtering down toward the exits from this far back. I sit and wait patiently, suddenly not in such a rush to see Johnny.

  On the plane this morning, I planned out a whole speech, but now that I find myself close to coming face to face with him, my words escape me. By the time I reach the south entrance—or exit as it is right now—my stomach is swarmed with nerves when a familiar face comes into view. Knox.

  He and I don’t know each other that well as he’s been on the road with Belle a lot of the time, but when we’ve been in the same company, he seems like a good guy. Johnny said he couldn’t have picked someone better for his sister, so I’m trusting his judgment on this one.

  “Hey, Ellie. Welcome back to New York.”

  “Hey, Knox. Thanks for doing this. I know it’s a big ask.”

  “Not really. Johnny is family, and I’ve seen the change in him since he met you. I was there the night he overdosed on stage. Belle and I were little more than a one-night stand at the time, and it was her love for him that drew me to her. She’s in pain seeing him so torn up over whatever happened between you guys.”

  “He didn’t tell you?”

  “No. He plays his cards close to his chest, and I’m not going to push him to discuss details of his private life. The only reason I’m telling you that he’s in bad shape is because it’s affecting my wife, and she needs her brother back, not the shell he is right now.”

  “I’m not sure if he’ll listen, but I’ll always regret it if I don’t try.”

  “Follow me. He hasn’t left yet for the hotel.” I weave in and out of the crowd directly behind Knox as he carves a path to the stage doors. A mean-looking security guard is radiating menace as he looks me up and down.

  “VIP pass.”

  “She’s with me.” Knox flashes the golden ticket to gain access and ushers me inside.

  There are groupies everywhere, and it smells of stale beer and questionable choices. I didn’t realize the dress code for backstage is as close to naked as possible without getting arrested.

  Johnny’s name is on one of the doors, and when Knox leaves me to face the music, I steel myself for the most important conversation of my life.

  “Good luck, Ellie. I hope y’all work it out.”

  “Thanks. I appreciate your help.”

  “Just holler if you need anything. Belle’s dressing room is two doors down on the left.”

  “Okay.”

  I watch him disappear down the hall and find myself glued to the spot. My hand is shaking as I ball it into a fist and knock on the door. I wait for a twist of the handle, but when it doesn’t come, I turn it myself and gingerly step inside.

  “Johnny…”

  His eyes are wide and wild as he meets my gaze. “Ellie!” The half-naked woman who’s currently using her credit card to create the perfect line of coke doesn’t even bother to look up. I guess I have my answer.

  “I shouldn’t have come.” I turn on my heels and slam the door behind me.

  Within seconds, Johnny flings the door open and runs after m
e. “Ellie, wait! It’s not what you think. Stop.”

  Does he really have so little respect for me that he’s going to try that line of defense? I swivel to face him, stopping dead in my tracks. “It looks like you’re fucking groupies and snorting coke. Did I miss something?”

  He runs his hands through his hair, looking freshly fucked. I can’t bear it, averting my gaze.

  “She was in there when I got to my room. You walked in on me telling her to leave.”

  “How convenient. I’m such an idiot. I’ve been clutching this stupid book and that fake-ass love song in hopes that you’d come home to me. And now I’m here, groveling like a pathetic shadow of the woman I was before I met you.” He reaches for my hand, entreating me to believe him, but I saw it with my own eyes.

  “You’re not pathetic, and that song… all those songs about you… aren’t fake. Please, you came all this way, at least hear me out.”

  “Five minutes.”

  “What we have to say to each other couldn’t fit into five hours, never mind five minutes. Come back to my hotel, and we can talk.”

  “So you can convince me you’re not doing all the shit that got you into trouble in the first place? I don’t need to fall into bed with you to know how this ends.”

  “There’s a Starbucks in the lobby of the hotel. We can sit there if you don’t want to come to my room.”

  Tears well in my eyes, not because of the woman I just saw him with but because of what she was doing. I love Johnny, but I won’t watch him kill himself. “What’s there to say? I walked in on everything I needed to see. It was a mistake to come here.”

  “No, it wasn’t. I swear to God, I haven’t slept with anyone since you.”

  “And the drugs? Even if I believed you about Little Miss Slutty, she was cutting you quite the line of cocaine.”

  “That wasn’t for me, it was for her. Please, just let me get you out of here.”

  “Are you high?”

  “No. I’m not lying, Ellie.” He steps forward, invading my senses, cradling my face in his hands. “Look into my eyes. You know me better than anyone. Look at me and tell me if I’m lying.”

  “I…” I search his gaze, not for a lie, but for the man I fell in love with. “I can’t do this.” I shirk out of his grasp, too dizzy from his proximity to think straight.

  “Then, why did you come here? To kick me while I’m down? To tell me it’s over? I assume so if you believe you’re a worse woman for knowing me. How did you put it? A shadow?”

  “You assume wrong. You left without saying goodbye. After everything we had, I got a Post-it and some song lyrics. I told you I’d wait, and I have been, but you’ve disappeared without a trace. What am I supposed to think?”

  “I came looking for you that day. I wanted to say goodbye.”

  “And what were you planning to say? Goodbye for now or goodbye forever? You could’ve called or sent a single text message. With every day that passed, I felt us slipping away.”

  “I told you I just needed time. That wasn’t the end for us.”

  “You could’ve talked to me. I was shellshocked too. We were in this together.”

  “No, we weren’t!”

  “How can you say that?”

  “Because you weren’t the one who’d spilled your guts on the darkest parts of yourself. You know things I never wanted you to. I couldn’t bear the thought of you seeing me differently.”

  Now I’m the one invading his space. I grab his face in my hands and force him to witness the anger in my expression. “You didn’t even try. Look at me.” He can’t, his gaze cast down in defeat. “Fucking look at me!”

  His eyes snap to mine. “I can’t.”

  “You can, and you will.” I wait, holding my ground until he looks up. “I love you. I’m begging you to see yourself through my eyes because if you do, if you look past my anger and hurt, you’ll see your strength, love, and compassion. You’ll see how fiercely I desire you and the way I fall more in love with you every time I hear you sing. If you look long enough, you’ll see how proud I am of you for taking all of the bad in your life and facing it. Please, Johnny, see yourself through my eyes, because…” His lips crash down on mine, swallowing my words in an impassioned plea for forgiveness.

  The stubble on his jaw is harsh on my face with the ferocity of his kiss, a stark juxtaposition to the softness of his lips and the sweet taste of his tongue as it twists and tangles with mine. I pour every ounce of heartbreak into this one moment, praying he’ll realize how much I love him and knowing it may not be enough to save him from himself.

  When he relinquishes his hold over me, I push myself away from him, unable to think straight with the familiar scent of his cologne intoxicating my senses.

  “I love you, Ellie, and I’m so sorry for hurting you. I couldn’t deal, and so I did what I always do, I ran away. I’ve been trying to find the right words for weeks, but I came up short, and so I threw myself back into music. Did you at least hear the new song I wrote for you from the last page of the book?”

  “Yes.”

  “That song is all the words I couldn’t say out loud back in K Falls and everything I’ve wanted to tell you every minute of every day since I left.”

  “All you left me was a jumbled book of lyrics. Threads of you. Small fragments that have tormented me day and night since you walked out of my life. You chose to sing that song to a crowd of strangers instead of me. You had no idea I was coming as evidenced by what I just saw in your dressing room.”

  “I didn’t sleep with her, Ellie. I don’t want anyone else.”

  I clench my hands into fists to stop myself from reaching out and touching him. “I believe you. I don’t know why… maybe I’m an idiot when it comes to you… but I believe you.”

  “Then why are you forcing distance between us right now?”

  “Because I don’t know if I believe you about the drugs.”

  “Wow. Okay. I’ve never lied to you, Ellie. What do I have to gain by starting now?”

  “I thought I could do this, that I could come here and tell you how much I love you, and we could work the rest out as long as we’re together.”

  “I feel the same way, and yet I sense a ‘but’ coming.”

  “I’m not strong enough. I don’t want to live my life in fear.”

  His expression becomes grave. “Why would you be afraid of me? I’d never hurt you, Ellie.”

  Tears well in my eyes, spilling over as I realize what this feeling is that’s taken hold in the pit of my stomach for the past few weeks—dread. “I’m not afraid of you, Johnny. I’m afraid of what you can do to yourself. I love you with every fiber of my being, and that’s why I can’t watch you go down this path again.”

  “I’m not. Don’t do this, Ellie.”

  “You were… breathtaking on stage tonight. You were born to be up there, and I’d never take that from you, but everything that comes along with it is more than I can handle.”

  “None of it means anything without you.”

  “Your love affair with music started long before you met me and will continue long after I’m gone.”

  “I know what you’re going to say, Ellie, and I’m telling you not to.”

  “I have to let you go, Johnny. I thought we could get past it, but now that I’m here, I realize we can’t.”

  “You mean you can’t. Say all those sessions don’t cloud your vision of me now. You can’t.”

  “That’s not it. I’m trying to do what’s best for you.”

  “I didn’t ask for a mother. I’ve gone my whole life without one. I want a wife.”

  “I…” My heart shatters into a thousand pieces at this cruel twist of fate. “I never should’ve gotten involved with you. I’m sorry.”

  My pulse is racing, my head swimming as I search for a way out—out of this situation, out of this building. “I’m asking you not to give up on me, Ellie. Our timing hasn’t been ideal, but you’re the love of my life. I know I have no
right to ask, but I’m a flawed and selfish man. Wait for me. Hold on just a little longer. Don’t stop loving me.”

  “I’ll never stop loving you, Johnny.” I press my lips to his in a tender goodbye kiss before forcing myself to put one foot in front of the other and walk away, leaving my heart behind.

  Nineteen

  Johnny

  Rehab fucking sucks. I hate it—the group sessions, the condescending superiority of certain therapists, and the fact that I had to hand over my phone at the door. If I never see the inside of this place again, it’ll be too soon.

  It’s been a month since Ellie walked away from me in New York, her ensuing silence tearing my heart from my chest, leaving it dying before my very eyes. I’ve run the gamut of emotions in her absence and wound up back in the small, clinical walls of rehab. The difference this time is that I came without intervention from a doctor.

  It’s strange to think the last time I was here, it was because of Ellie, even though I didn’t know her yet. She was a nameless doctor who got alongside me and pulled me out of the darkness that was threatening to take over.

  Before I checked in to this delightful Ritz of rehab, I printed off every one of my sessions with Ellie that had been emailed to me after each of our chats. I’ve read them multiple times now, seeing them with fresh eyes. Even before we ‘met,’ she was looking out for me. Realizing that was just the jolt I needed to step back and reevaluate my future—what I want it to be and who I want to share it with.

  I’ve spent so long keeping people at arm’s length, I didn’t believe that Ellie could love me despite knowing the worst parts of me. The truth is, she does, and if I let her slip away, I’m an idiot.

  I can only imagine what’s been going on out in the real world since I’ve been here in my safe haven. I have no idea if Ellie heeded my words and is waiting for me or if she’s moving on. I fucking hope not. There’s a difference between loving someone and dating them.

  I tried talking to Belle, but she’s struggling with the repercussions of my decisions, and I understand that she needs some time. We’ve been on this journey together for so long, and my choice to get off the train is hard for her. She wants to be there for me, but she also wants to reap the rewards of the tough times we’ve endured. So, I took the decision out of her hands. I want the best for her, and with Knox at her side, I know I can let go, safe in the knowledge that they’re looking out for each other.