by Eva Haining
Right now, my focus is squarely on me, and by extension, Ellie. I realize now that she’s a gift, not a cure. It was easy to lose myself in her, and the feel of her writhing beneath me was a high I could use to replace drugs. Long-term, it wasn’t sustainable. A fight, a life-altering revelation about therapy, or just the physical distance on tour are a house of cards if I don’t hold myself accountable and actively participate in my recovery. So that’s what I’ve done.
There are two conversations that have the potential to change my life, and I’m about to have one of them with Blue Bell. I asked her to come to the rehab facility today and spend some time with me. I’m not required to stay here, but I thought it was a good setting for this particular discussion.
When I see her car pull up outside, I make my way to the main entrance to greet her. I can tell she’s been crying as she steps out of the car and comes running into my arms.
“I’m so sorry, Johnny.” She’s clutching me for dear life.
“You have nothing to apologize for, Blue Bell. I’ve let you down, time and time again, and I’m about to do it again.” I rub her back like I used to when we were kids. If she were frightened or upset, she’d crawl into my lap and suck her thumb, and I’d just rub her back until she calmed down. Most of the time, she’d fall asleep in my arms. When I look at her, I still see that scared little girl who burrowed her way under my skin and became the only family I’ve ever known.
“I pushed you away. If I hadn’t, maybe you wouldn’t have…”
“I’m going to stop you there.” I rest my hands on her shoulders and pull back to face her when I say this. “You did the right thing.”
“No, you’re my brother, and…”
“And you did the right thing. My choices are my own, and nothing you did or didn’t do would’ve changed that.”
“I hate that you’re back in here again, starting over.”
I wrap my arm around her shoulder and lead her inside. “I’m not starting over, Blue Bell, but I’m wiping the slate clean. That’s what I want to talk to you about.”
We talk for hours, and there are tears—hers and mine—but at the end of it all, we have a deeper understanding of each other and a game plan moving forward that’ll be good for both of us. It’s not quite what I pictured, but I know it’s going to be better. Failure isn’t an option. I’ve done enough of that, trying to please anyone who showed me a modicum of love, and in the end, every rejection, every group home, every cheating girlfriend led me to the crossroads.
I don’t blame anyone but myself for the direction I took. No one made me use. I was looking for a way to stop the pain, and for a lot of years, cocaine was my answer. It didn’t get rid of my problems, it only brought more. After the overdose, I was just going through the motions. I ignored the skeletons in the closet and forged ahead, hoping they’d disappear if I left them there long enough. It wasn’t until I relapsed and found myself back at the crossroads—cocaine and the reaper on one path and Mount Everest on the other. This time, I chose right.
Meeting Ellie was an unexpected twist of fate, but that’s exactly what it was—fate. My life is a series of choices, but loving Ellie wasn’t one. To know her is to love her, and no matter where life takes me, I’ll always be happy to have had the chance to love her and be loved by her.
“Are you sure about this? There’s no going back from this?” Belle’s voice cuts through my daydream of Ellie.
“I’m sure. It’s what’s best for me, and I genuinely think it’s best for you too.”
“I disagree on that second part, but I understand why you want to do this. I just hate the thought of not seeing you all the time.”
“I’m not moving to the moon, Blue Bell. We’ll still see each other all the time. It was going to happen sooner or later, and now that you’ve got Knox, life was bound to change.”
“You forget, I told him when he married me, that he’s the third wheel to our banged-up old bicycle.” The smile that creeps in at the corners of her lips is everything to me. I’ve longed to see its return because I haven’t given her much to smile about in recent times.
“Well, to go with your analogy, I’ve been a punctured tire for years. I need you to remember what it feels like to be the little sister and know that I’m strong enough to have your back whenever you need it.”
“I’ve never seen you as weak, Johnny.”
“I know because you wanted to hold on to the boy I was when we met all those years ago. He’s been gone for a long time, and I finally feel like I’m finding my way back to him. That’s why I’m here and why I’m making a conscious decision to change my life now, while I still have one.”
“I love you, big brother. You know that, right?”
“I do.” She slides her arms around my waist, resting her head against my chest. It’s a tender embrace I didn’t realize I missed.
“I’m going to miss you. We all are.”
“You’ll always be my sister. You’re not getting rid of me that easy.”
“You say that now, but what if you forget about me?”
I search her gaze for any sign that she’s kidding. She’s serious, and that only solidifies my lack of effort with her in recent months. “I could never forget you, Blue Bell. You’re my family. My only family.”
“I think you have more people who want to be part of your family than you give yourself credit for.” She squeezes tight. “I can think of one in particular.”
“I’m not so sure, but I’m going to do my damnedest to find out.”
When it comes time for Belle to leave, I reach into my pocket and hand her the small disc that’s been burning a hole in my pocket today. When she opens her palm, a smile spreads across her face. “Can I keep it?”
“Yes, so you don’t forget me.” Tears spill from her eyes once more. “You’ve got to stop crying. If I hand you back to Knox with defective tear ducts, he’ll come looking for a refund.”
She jabs me in the side. “Hey. I’m not defective. I’m proud of you, Johnny.”
“Don’t say that, or I’ll start crying, and it’s not good for my manly image.”
“I’d hate to ruin your street cred.”
“I know you’re going to be busy, but if you have a free day this time next month, I’d love to have you and Knox come hang with me for the weekend.”
“Done. I don’t care what’s on the schedule, I’ll be there with bells on.”
“Thanks. We’ll either be celebrating or commiserating.”
“I’ll hope for the former.”
“Me too. Now get out of here before you make me leak H2O from my eyeballs.”
“Stay weird, bro.” Reaching up onto her tiptoes, she gives me a peck on the cheek, clutching her gift so tight her knuckles whiten. “I’ll see you in a month.”
“Love you, sis.”
“Back at you, bro.”
One difficult conversation down, one to go. But before I can move forward, I have to speak with the record label. My plan hinges on their agreement, so I’m crossing my fingers and praying they don’t sue me for breach of contract.
The smell of freshly cut grass and manure is a welcome delight to my senses. I never thought I’d see the day that manure would be a familiar, homey scent, but life has a way of taking everything you think you know and flipping it on its head.
I’ve missed this place more than I ever could’ve expected—not just the place but the people. K Falls is a special town, and that’s because of its residents. I didn’t tell anyone I was coming, so I’m hoping they’ll be happy to see me. I hope she will be happy to see me.
Ellie and I haven’t talked since that day in New York when the universe saw fit to land me in a clusterfuck of a moment in time and brought her there to bear witness to it. I’m not sure if she truly believed that I hadn’t been fucking around on her, and I wouldn’t blame her if she thinks I’m a lying sack of shit. If the tables were turned, and I’d walked in on her with some half-naked dude, I’d be serving
ten-to-life right now for beating him to within an inch of his life.
When I open the door to my place, a warmth spreads throughout my body, and that sense of ‘home’ I’ve been craving my whole life blankets me in its arms and holds on tight. I drop my bags and head straight back out the door. I don’t want Ellie to hear from someone else that I’m back in town, so I need to do it before I chicken out. She’ll be at the therapy center right now, somewhere public, that I can’t make too much of a fool of myself.
The walk seems shorter than I remember, most likely because my stomach is churning like a washing machine right now. I thought I knew what I wanted to say or not say, but the prospect of coming face to face with Ellie again has me nervous as hell. It would be easier to go on stage and strip naked for a packed stadium than be at the center with only a door between the girl of my dreams and me.
I’m met with warm welcomes by staff as I make my way through the halls to Ellie’s office. I know all eyes are on me, but I do my best to ignore it and forge ahead. Seeing her name emblazoned on the door, a swell of pride rises in my chest. It’s no secret that her career has been a bone of contention in our relationship. To be correct, my addiction was the real issue, not the fact that Ellie is a shrink—my shrink as it turned out.
I run my fingers over the gold lettering before making a fist and knocking on the door.
“Come in.” Her voice is soft and melodious, just as beautiful as it’s been on a loop in my mind for weeks.
I take a deep, steadying breath, twist the doorknob, and enter. “Hi, Ellie.”
Her jaw visibly drops at the sight of me, and silence seems to span for days until she musters one little word. “Hi.”
Shoving my hands in my pockets, I stop myself from going to her, fisting them in her hair, and kissing her like there’s no tomorrow because I understand now—tomorrow isn’t a guarantee. One hit could and should’ve ended it all for me on numerous occasions. By the grace of my sponsor, a crap-ton of doctors in the ER, and my friends, I’m alive and have another shot. I won’t blow it.
“Can we talk?”
“Sure.” Her voice is barely a whisper as she gestures to the chair across the desk from her. I take a seat, and I find myself reliving every conversation we’ve ever had as therapist and patient. The jolly, wise old man I imagined replaced by the most breathtaking woman I’ve ever known.
“How have you been?”
“Is that what you came here for? To make small talk?”
“No. I…” I take a beat, calming the storm that’s raging inside me, looking anywhere but her eyes. I don’t want to see all the hurt I’ve caused because then I’ll know with absolute certainty that she’s too good for me, and I don’t deserve another chance to love her. That’s when I spy my leather lyrics journal sitting pride of place on the bookshelf behind her. “You kept it.”
“What?”
“You kept the book I gave you.”
“Of course, I did.”
“You didn’t answer me that day in New York.”
“You didn’t ask a question.” There’s a coolness to her tone that’s betrayed by the heat in her gaze.
“I asked if you’d wait for me to get my shit together.”
“Johnny, I…”
“I didn’t come to pressure you for an answer.”
“Good, because I don’t have one.” Her words spark a glimmer of hope in the dark recesses of my soul. She hasn’t completely given up on me.
“I’m back in town for good, and I didn’t want you to hear it from anyone else.”
“Okay, thanks. Not that it matters, now. I’m leaving Kingsbury Falls and going back to New York.”
“Oh.” The wind is knocked clear out of me. I can barely catch my breath. “Why?”
“Because this is your home, and I knew you needed somewhere to come back to when the time was right.”
“And I’m back, so I don’t get why you’d leave.”
“You said you needed time. You’re right. I want you to have all the time you need, but I can’t be here. There are too many memories, and I still have somewhere I can call home with Piper.”
“No. You can’t leave the life you built for yourself because of me. I’ll stay out of your way for as long as you want. Forever if that’s what it takes to keep you here.”
“You didn’t come to talk about my moving plans. What is it that you wanted to talk about?” She crosses her arms over her chest defensively, shielding herself from me.
“I came to talk about us, so yeah, your moving plans would really put a wrench in the works.”
“We started this too soon, and I knew that. Hell, I was giving you that very advice as your therapist.”
“I know, and it hasn’t been smooth sailing, but I love you, and I think you love me too.”
“That’s never been the issue. You know that.”
I hesitate, scared to ask the follow-up question. “Do you still feel that way?”
Her gaze drops to the floor. “Yes. I love you, Johnny, but I made the mistake of letting this get serious before you reached your first year of sobriety. There’s a reason for those guidelines, so something like this doesn’t happen.”
“This? I doubt very many people accidentally date their therapist.”
“Yes, the holes in my online practice are apparent.”
“Don’t put your achievement down, not because of me. If I didn’t find you that day, I’d have snorted that line, and another, and another. You saved my life in more ways than one, Ellie.”
“I can’t be the only thing tethering you to staying clean.”
“I agree.” She stops in her tracks, obviously expecting to labor the point.
“Okay.”
“I love you, but I didn’t come back to K Falls for you. I came back for me. You’re right that this is the first home I’ve ever really had. I have wandered the country as a loveless vagabond for years, and then I met you. I came here, and I met you. You can’t be my reason to stay clean, but I won’t use my sobriety as a reason for us not to be together. Maybe not right now, but when we’re both ready. If you leave, we may never get that chance. I don’t know where you’re at right now on the subject of us, but if you have a shred of hope that we can find our way back to each other, please, don’t leave.”
“And if it doesn’t work out?”
“Then I’ll kick you out in a year. New York will always be there. I have claimed K Falls as home, though.” She smiles as I continue, “So if you love it as much as I do and can’t imagine living anywhere else, I guess you’ll have to get used to me being around.”
“I don’t know.”
“You don’t have to give me an answer now. Just think about it and don’t leave without at least saying goodbye. Can I ask that of you?”
“Yeah. I can do that.”
“I hope you won’t need to. I’m going to go and let you get back to your day and the barrage of questions everyone standing outside this office is going to slam you with, leaving you with one… statement of fact.”
“Go ahead.”
“I needed you to see me, so you know I’m doing well. I’m healthy and happy for the first time in years. I have plans for the future outside of music and the life I thought I wanted. Whether you choose to love me or not, I’ll be okay, Ellie. You saw to that when you coached JBG Anon through the lowest point in his life. But now I need you to see me as Johnny, allow me to carry the weight of my own decisions without worrying that I’ll stumble and fall. I will. I understand that now, but I also know I’ll always get back up. So, thank you for being my friend, my therapist, and the love…”
“Please stop before I run into your arms, and we end up right back where we started. A year of being clean. Come to me when you have that chip, and we’ll talk about us.”
“So you loving me is contingent on a chip?”
“No, my love for you is without question or contingencies. The chip will show me that you’ve finally learned to love yourself.” My heart
beat quickens, and it takes all my willpower not to jump over the desk and ravish her.
“Then say you’ll stay. It’s not fair to everyone here who loves you if you leave because of me. Stay, and I’ll spend every day showing you how much I love you… and myself.”
Her shy smile is so endearing, sending a jolt of desire straight to my core. “Deal.”
“Yeehaw! I never thought I’d get a girl by telling her how much I love myself. Fifteen-year-old me would get a real kick out of this moment.”
Her laughter is music to my ears. “You do whatever kind of ‘self-love’ you need because you won’t be getting in my panties for quite some time.”
“Is that a challenge?” I can’t help flirting with her. It’s woven into the very fabric of my being.
“One. Year.”
“And are you dating other guys in the meantime? Am I going to watch a string of douche nozzles trying to snake you out from under me?”
Her gaze rakes the length of me, her brow furrowed with intense concentration. “No. I don’t want to be with anyone else. I can practice some ‘self-love’ too.”
Holy Shit. “Now, is that something we can do together as friends? You watch me self-love, and I watch you, together, in the same room, at the same time… naked?”
“Johnny Reed, you have such a devious and dirty mind.”
“You know it, sweetheart.”
“You better go before we end up naked on the table.”
“This is new to you, right? You don’t get a guy to leave when you threaten him with hot office sex. That’s how you get yourself well and truly fucked until your voice is hoarse and your legs are shaking with the aftershocks of an orgasm.”
“Go.”
“Can do. Just wanted to leave you with a visual that’ll keep you weak in the knees for a while.” I stride to the door with renewed purpose and, as expected, open it to find most of the staff huddled, trying to hear what’s been going on, so I give them what they want. I turn to see Ellie staring back at me with a glow in her cheeks and a wide, beautiful smile on her face. “I love you, Dr. Elliot Sawyer. Always have, always will. I’ll be coming for you when I get that chip, and you better be ready for forever.”
