by Eva Haining
Twenty
Ellie
“I’m so glad you’re here!” Piper is in town, and I’m beyond thrilled to see her. This whole celibate for a year thing isn’t easy. It’s only been a few weeks, and I find myself trolling the fields for an ‘accidental’ glimpse of Johnny on my lunch break.
Jax has started bringing me a Diet Coke to go along with my shameless ogling. Today, I have Piper with me, and, as always, she has the subtlety of a brick.
“Take your shirt off, Johnny! Her resolve is weakening.” I clasp my hand over her mouth, trying to contain her shouting, but she’s scrappy. She shrugs out of my grasp and keeps hollering. “The six-pack might swing a quicky in the stables for her.”
Even from a distance, I can tell Johnny is smiling, running his hand through that freshly-fucked styled hair. He obliges and pulls his shirt off over his head, his eyes pinned on me. I can’t take a single step forward because if I close the distance between us, I won’t stop. I’ll run to him, drag him out of sight, and ride him until he comes so hard, I wouldn’t be able to walk tomorrow from being saddle sore.
“You’re drooling, girl.” Piper is thoroughly amused by my misery.
“Look at him. He’s gorgeous and sexy as hell when he’s got the whole cowboy vibe going on.”
“Then why the hell are we over here doing the peeping Tom routine? Let’s go talk to them.”
“I can’t. I miss him so much, and knowing he’s close enough to touch is torturous.”
“So you torture yourself daily?”
“Yes, but I look and don’t touch.”
“Creepy.”
“This is hard enough without your smart-mouth running commentary.”
“Why are you doing this to yourself, Ellie? If you love him, then be with him.”
“I said I’d wait until he’s been clean for a year.”
“A year? Have you lost your damn mind? No one can hold out that long. There’s only so much a vibrator can do, bestie.”
“He’s worth it. I love him.”
“And he obviously loves you, so I honestly don’t get it. Yes, he’s in recovery, but he’s doing great.”
“He’s doing well now that he’s been back to rehab and town rather than out on the road. He needs to get back to his full life and be okay. I want to give him the space to do that.”
“While drooling at a distance?”
“Yes.” I lighten the mood with a playful shove of her shoulder.
My eyes are firmly fixed on Johnny with that devious, crooked grin of his. “I showed you mine, now show me yours!” He shouts as he crosses the field toward us.
I’m frozen to the spot. I thought I could do the just-friends thing while we’re not dating, but it’s too hard. So, I’ve been avoiding hanging at the ranch when he’s there. I clench my thighs as he strides toward me with that confident rock-star swagger.
“Hey, Ellie. Hi, Piper.”
“Hi, rock star.” Piper fills the silence of my dumbstruck brain. “I hear there’s some dancing happening tonight at the barn.”
“That seems to be the word on the street.”
“Are you going to be playing? Or dancing?”
“Playing, yes. Dancing, no. No one wants to see my attempt at a line dance.”
“I’m sure the female population of Kingsbury Falls would jump at the chance to get on your dance card.”
“There’s only one woman I want to dance with.” His eyes find mine, his ice-blue depths setting my body on fire. “Are y’all going to be there?”
“No.”
“Yes,” Piper interjects. “Of course, we’ll be there. Won’t we, Ellie?”
I look to him, waiting for him to say it’s a bad idea, but he has mischief in his eyes today. “Great. I look forward to seeing you. Save me a dance?”
“I…” My brain is useless right now.
“Yes, she’ll dance with you. Now, put your shirt back on before she strokes out or something.”
His low, rasping chuckle does something to my insides. Every nerve ending in my body is tingling, butterflies swarming my stomach at the mere thought of dancing with Johnny.
He grabs his shirt from where it’s tucked into his back pocket and slips it over his head. “So, I’ll see you tonight?”
“Yes.” Apparently, I’m only capable of one-word answers, and I can see how it amuses him.
As he makes his way back toward the stables, he glances over his shoulder, pinning me with his gaze. “And Ellie… you look beautiful today.”
I blush like a teenage girl, fidgeting with my hair. Thankfully, Piper waits until he’s out of earshot to rip me to shreds.
“That was painful to watch. I’m embarrassed for you, bestie. Seriously, just so painful.”
“Button it. Why did you say yes? I can’t be around him.”
“I said yes because you live here, and you can’t avoid him for a year. It’s ridiculous. What’s the worst thing that could happen?”
“I could go, dance with him, fall straight back into bed, and he falls off the wagon. The last time we hit a rough patch, he went off the rails. Don’t get me wrong, the bed part sounds so incredibly good to me right now. Like amazing. The things that man can do with his tongue. And those lips. And that tongue. Fuck, I miss his tongue.”
“You’re sex rambling, girl. You need to get laid before you explode.”
“Ugh. You’re no use. I need you to be the voice of reason.”
“I’m a good friend, but I’m also a woman who appreciates the male form. Not riding that man is a crime against humanity.”
“I know.” Every fiber of my being aches to lose myself in his arms and his bed.
“We’re going to have a great night. Trust me.”
“Why is it that when you say the words ‘trust me,’ I feel like I’m going to end up three towns over with a hangover and a new pet chicken called Rubius?”
She throws her arm around my shoulder with a devious cackle. “Because you know me so well.”
“Shit. What the hell am I getting myself into?”
“You’ll thank me in the morning.”
As Piper and I wander through the tall grass up toward the barn, music carries on the welcome breeze. I’m still getting used to the idea of year-round heat and humidity, so nights like this are few and far between. Johnny’s dulcet tones ring out into the darkness, grabbing hold of me, the notes tangling around my wrist, pulling me closer to him. I want to run the rest of the way just to set eyes on him, but I quash the feeling, reminding myself that I’m not here to jump his bones.
“Wow, I can see why he’s the bad-boy rock star. That voice is like gravel and honey, sex and seduction.”
“Yeah, it is.” I sound like a doe-eyed fangirl daydreaming about bedding the famous Johnny Reed.
“You’ve got it bad. Do I need to get a few drinks inside you to calm your libido? I’m a tad concerned that you’re going to football tackle the poor boy to the ground mid-song and rip his clothes off.”
“Now, that’s a thought.” I shake my head, forcing the glorious visual from my mind. “Maybe I should just go home.”
“Seriously? You’re a grown woman who can control herself better than most. Besides, we’re talking about an arbitrary deadline.”
“It’s not arbitrary, Pipes. Johnny needs to realize his own self-worth. Until he does, it doesn’t matter how much me, or anyone else, loves him. When he’s ready, I’ll be here.”
“And if he’s ready now?”
“He’s not. His last stint in rehab was only a few months ago. I don’t want to make the same mistake again. He’s too important.”
“Fine. We’ll go in, listen for a while, and then leave. I won’t let you mount the sexy, sexy rock star.”
“Okay.”
As we reach the barn’s open doors, Johnny’s energy hits me like a wrecking ball, shattering my resolve. I want him. I want him so bad it hurts.
He looks even better than he sounds, his sex-mussed hair falling on
his forehead as he sings. I’m mesmerized by everything about him, and as if he senses my presence, his gaze drifts to mine. It doesn’t matter that we’re surrounded by the entire town, we only have eyes for each other.
I recognize the song he’s playing—one of the Beyond New York tracks, but it sounds different. I’m used to hearing Belle sing it when I listen on the radio. I love her voice, but hearing Johnny sing it is transcendent. Only someone who has lived through the pain he has could give such emotional depth to every word.
It’s not until he finishes that I notice Kirby behind a pop-up bar, and an uneasiness settles in the pit of my stomach. I’ve never been one for a good poker face, and the second Johnny tracks my gaze, he taps on the microphone.
“Hey, folks. Thanks for coming out tonight. All the proceeds from this little shindig will be going toward funding the new AA and NA meetings that will start at the therapy center next month. Surprise, doc!”
What? I was hoping to add funding for meetings to next year’s budget, so this is a wonderful surprise. There’s a round of applause, which puts a beautiful big smile on Johnny’s face. Seeing the whole town turn out for such a great cause just shows how his journey has been woven into the very fabric of Kingsbury Falls.
“Now, I’m going to need someone who can hold a tune and play a few chords. There’s a girl I really want to dance with right now.” All eyes snap to where I’m standing, and my cheeks flush as my pulse quickens.
Jax jumps up onto the stage. “I’ve got your back, bro. Have at it. Do you want something slow and steady?”
“The slower, the better. I want her in my arms as long as possible.”
“Can do.”
Johnny hands over his prized guitar without so much as a cursory glance. He jumps off the stage and strides toward me with that sexy gait, every inch the rock star. The closer he gets, the more my heart tries to gallop right out of my chest and into his arms.
When he’s standing in front of me, he holds out his hand. “Would you like to dance with me, Elliot?”
My brain short circuits, entranced by the man before me. There’s a confidence in his flawless features—familiar and yet somehow different than ever before. Piper shoves me forward, and for once, I’m grateful.
I take his hand and let him lead me to the makeshift dance floor.
Jax has a surprisingly good singing voice and doesn’t seem too bad on the guitar either. I don’t know why I’m shocked—he’s swoon-worthy in every way—of course, he’s got talent. He starts singing “Let It Be Mine” by Brett Young, and I can’t think of a more perfect song to dance with Johnny.
He runs his hands down my arms, clasping my hands and wrapping them around his neck before letting his fingertips trace the length of my spine until his hands rest on my waist.
“Hey, doc.”
“Hey, yourself.”
“You look stunning tonight. I’m glad you came.”
“Piper wasn’t taking no for an answer.” He smirks, already aware that my best friend is a force to be reckoned with.
“I knew I liked her. Is it so bad to be here with me? You’ve been avoiding me unless we’re counting your blatant lunchtime abs watch.”
I let my head drop against his shoulder, mortified that he knows I’ve been shamelessly checking him out daily. “Oh God, I’m so sorry. I just want to give you some space. I don’t know how this is going to work. Friendship. Waiting. Love. It’s all uncharted territory for me.” I take a calm, steadying breath, letting the scent of his cologne intoxicate my senses.
“So we can’t be friends?”
“I don’t know how to be your friend, Johnny. Every time I’m near you I…” My words trail off as he moves his hands, blazing a trail up my body before cupping my face in his hands.
“You want to do this.” He captures my lips in a soul-destroying kiss that leaves me trembling. Just the smallest dart of his tongue unleashes a flurry of butterflies loose in my stomach. All I can muster is a soft moan in reply. “It’s not so bad, is it?”
“I… I should go.”
“You should stay… with me.” He presses featherlight kisses to my lips between words, melting my resolve.
“I… we shouldn’t.”
“Go on a date with me, Ellie.”
“A year. I told you I’d wait, but I can’t if we’re unable to keep our distance.”
“Meet me online. Tomorrow night. Eight o’clock.”
“Online?”
“Where it all began. Will you talk with me? You know there can be no kisses, no touching, just talking.”
I want so badly to take him home to my bed tonight and forgo this endless torture. I love him. “Yes.”
He returns his hands to my waist, swaying gently until the song ends and the spell is broken. “That’s my cue to get back up there. Are you going to stick around?”
“I think it’s best I go home, or I’ll cave and beg you to take me home and make love to me.”
“Fuck.” He scrapes his hand over the scruff on his jaw, visibly struggling to tear himself away. He adjusts himself, leaning in close to my ear. “Any day, anytime, anywhere. I’ll make love to you for the rest of our lives.”
It takes everything in me to walk away. I grab Piper by the arm and pull her toward the exit. “What the hell, Ellie? I was talking to a super cute cowboy.” I quicken my pace, dragging her behind me, kicking and screaming or just mildly horny and exasperated.
“I need to go home.”
“What’s wrong? Did he say something to you?” She tries to tug away from me and back toward the barn as if she’s ready for a fight. “I’ll kick his ass.”
“Calm down, Rhonda Rousey. He said the most wonderful things to me, and I want to climb him like a spider monkey right now, so I have to go home.”
She stops me in my tracks, clutching my face with her hands. “Why are you doing this to yourself, Ellie? Is he really worth all this heartache?”
“Yes.” One small word that encompasses everything I feel for Johnny.
“Then what are you waiting for? You’re torturing yourself over something that wasn’t your fault.”
I take off toward my house, trying to outrun the emotion welling inside me. “I don’t want to talk about it, Pipes. Just drop it, okay.”
“No, I’ll not drop it until you admit that you’re feeling guilty about all of this. You could never have seen this coming.” She jogs to catch up with me. “You help people. It’s who you are, who you’ve always been, and who you’ll continue to be until your dying day. Johnny sees that. You saw him tonight, he’s doing great, so why can’t you let yourself off the hook? Why can’t you forgive yourself and be happy with him?”
“I thought I was so smart. My online therapy practice was the way forward for treatment in the twenty-first century.”
“It still is. You’ve helped so many people, and don’t forget that one of those people was Johnny.”
“Yeah, look where that ended up. He ran out on me and went straight back to his old habits. He could’ve died. One bad hit, and it’s all over. How could I… what would I… I couldn’t live with myself if something happened to him.”
Sobs rack my body as I propel myself forward, the sanctuary of my house coming into view. “Ellie, wait up.”
I run up the steps and fling open the door so hard it bangs against the wall. Kingsbury Falls is such a stark contrast to New York. I don’t even lock my door when I’m somewhere on the ranch grounds. My apartment in Manhattan had five different locks and a concierge, and there were still nights I awoke to the smallest of noises with my heart racing.
Piper comes barreling in behind me. “Talk to me.”
I slump against the wall, sliding down onto the floor in a flood of tears. “I hate this. The distance. The wanting him every minute of every day. And work. I question every online patient, wondering if I’m giving some hypocritical advice to someone I know.”
Piper grabs a cushion from the couch and throws it on the floor next
to me before plopping herself down next to me. “Have you told him how you feel?”
“He knows I love him, but I won’t burden him with anything else. He has enough to deal with.”
“It’s eating you alive. You’re the least hypocritical person I’ve ever met. To think that you see yourself that way makes my heart hurt.”
“I was telling him to be careful and consider waiting to start a relationship, all the while pursuing him.”
“You fell in love, Ellie. It happens. Not always when you want it to, or even with who you think is right or wrong for you. He’s clearly moving forward, and you need to do the same.”
“He’s going to go back out on the road and face all the same temptations time and time again. I’m not sure I’m strong enough to get him through that.”
“It’s not your job. He has to want it for himself. I shouldn’t have to point this out to you. It’s Psych 101.”
“I’m scared, Piper. I’m scared to love him the way I do. I always choose the bad guy. I believe Johnny is different, but what if I’m just blinkered? I’m not an indecisive person, and I can’t be rational or objective when it comes to him. Tell me what to do, Piper. Do I go back to Manhattan and put all of this behind me, or do I open myself up to what could be the biggest hurt of my life?”
“Or the greatest joy. As much as I’d love to tell you to come back with me to New York, I see how happy you are here. You’ve got friends who are like family. I’m a green-eyed monster about it because you’re my Ellie, but this is where you belong. I think you already know that, and I have a strong suspicion that you already know what to do about your rock star. Love isn’t always pretty or easy, but if it’s the real thing… God, Ellie… some people never find that.”
