by Eva Haining
I rest my head on her shoulder and take the breath I’ve been holding since the day I found out about JBG Anon. Piper is right—I know what I’m going to do. Come hell or high water, Johnny is the one. Whatever happens, I want to be there at his side, cheering him on and praying that what we have is worth fighting for.
With my mind made up, a small kernel of happiness unfurls deep in my soul. It’s a peace I’ve been searching for but pushing aside for months, scared to want it too much and terrified to want him more than my next breath.
“Hey, Pipes.”
“Yeah?”
“Thank you for coming down here and for always having my back.”
“Always. Besides, I kind of like it here in the boonies.”
“Can you stay a while now that you’re finished working for that godawful trust fund brat and his Barbie wife?”
“Maybe for a few weeks while I figure things out.” I squeeze her tight, thrilled at the thought of more time with her. “On one condition.”
“Name it.”
“Tomorrow, you sort your shit out and put the boy out of his misery. Life is too short to waste time when you know in your heart that you’ve found your person.”
“Deal.” My heart flutters with anticipation. Johnny told me tonight that he’d make love to me all the days of our lives, and for the first time, I don’t feel guilty knowing I’m going to let him.
SESSION
_____________________
YOU ARE NOW ENTERING THE LIVE CHAT…
JBG Anon: Hey, doc.
Doctor: Hi, Johnny.
JBG Anon: How are you on this fine evening?
Doctor: I’m okay. How are you? Is there something you want to talk about?
JBG Anon: I’m great. Better than great, actually.
Doctor: That’s nice to hear. So, why are we here?
JBG Anon: You’ve always given me good advice, so I figured you’re the person to talk to about this problem I’m having.
Doctor: I’m no longer your therapist. I think we established that when you broke up with me.
JBG Anon: See, this is part of the problem. The way I look at it, we had a mild bump in the road on our path to happily ever after.
Doctor: I wouldn’t call a relapse a ‘bump.’
JBG Anon: There you go again, jumping the gun. I love the crap out of you, woman, but you can be frustrating at times.
Doctor: The feeling is mutual.
JBG Anon: So you love me?
Doctor: You know I do.
JBG Anon: Just checking.
Doctor: I love you. I’ve always loved you. I never stopped loving you. I know you were hurt when this whole therapy thing blew up, but I need you to know that it never, not even for a second, changed the way I see you or how much I love you.
JBG Anon: I know that now.
Doctor: What changed?
JBG Anon: Me.
Doctor: How so?
JBG Anon: A wise woman taught me that I had to learn to love and respect myself before I could truly love someone else.
Doctor: She sounds like a keeper.
JBG Anon: I think so. The only problem is, she says we can’t be together right now.
Doctor: She did say that, didn’t she? Idiot.
JBG Anon: Yeah? She’s misguided, but I love her even more for being willing to put herself through a year of celibacy (BTW, that’s a travesty against humankind) and waiting for me to get the all-important chip that signifies one year clean and sober.
Doctor: Trust me, I understand the travesty. My man has skills that I’m already aching for. You better start working out because you’re going to need all your stamina the day you hit that milestone.
JBG Anon: Duly noted. I detect a waiver in your resolve.
Doctor: I want to do what’s best for you but staying away from you is painful. I miss you every minute of every day.
JBG Anon: And what do you think we should do about that?
Doctor: I was looking at Kirby last night.
JBG Anon: Not where I thought you were going. Explain…
Doctor: He lost the love of his life in a split second. No goodbyes. They’ll never have plans for the future. Maybe we’re doing the wrong thing.
JBG Anon: I’m going to need you to spell it out.
Doctor: Maybe we shouldn’t wait. If it’s really what you want and need, I’ll wait for you. If you want to work together toward a future for us, I’m in. I’m done enforcing rules and timelines. I’m yours, Johnny. Tell me what you want.
JBG Anon: Do you know what day it is today?
Doctor: Saturday.
JBG Anon: God, woman, you’re the densest genius I’ve ever met.
Doctor: What the hell?
JBG Anon: Today marks a year since we met. A year to the day since you saved the life of this wayward man.
Doctor: I didn’t realize, sorry. It’s sort of bittersweet.
JBG Anon: Not at all. It’s pretty amazing, actually. I’m never going to see today as anything other than momentous. I may not have realized it at the time, but this marks the day I met the love of my life.
Doctor: And you’re the love of mine.
JBG Anon: I’m really glad you said that.
Doctor: Why?
JBG Anon: Do you trust me?
Doctor: With my life.
JBG Anon: There’s a gift on your front porch. Go and open it. I’ll wait…
JBG Anon:…
JBG Anon:…
JBG Anon: Ellie?
JBG Anon:…
JBG Anon:…
JBG Anon:…
JBG Anon: Are you still there?
ARE YOU STILL THERE? LIVE CHAT WILL TIME OUT AFTER THIRTY SECONDS…
THE LIVE CHAT HAS ENDED…
YOU WILL BE EMAILED A COPY OF THE TRANSCRIPT FROM TODAY’S SESSION.
THANK YOU FOR CHOOSING E.J.S THERAPY ANONYMOUS.
_____________________
Twenty-One
Johnny
Fuck. Maybe this isn’t going to go down the way I thought it would. I was expecting a quick response from Ellie when she saw what I left on her front porch, but the live chat timed out. I’m going to go over there and see what’s wrong. Shit.
I grab my keys and head for the door, only to be met with impatient pounding on solid oak. I twist the doorknob and find Ellie—my Ellie—breathless and barefoot with my gift held tight in her hand.
“Are you serious? It can’t be. You went back to rehab. If this is a joke, it’s not funny. Is it real?” Tears are streaming down her face as she holds out the golden chip etched with this all-important milestone—one I never would’ve reached without her love and support.
“It’s not a joke. I did go back to rehab but not because I’d had a relapse. I went voluntarily because I knew I was close to using again. The therapy situation… knowing that I’d laid my soul bare… was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to face because I couldn’t understand why you would still love me when you knew the worst parts of me. The parts I hadn’t yet come to terms with.”
“I… there’s nothing about you that could ever make me stop loving you, Johnny.”
“I know. I knew it then, but it hurt too much to admit. You and Dr. Elliot were two different people in my life who both played a significant role in my recovery. Finding out you were one and the same was confusing, but I shouldn’t have left the way I did.”
“I understand. I can’t imagine how betrayed you must have felt. I’ve been holding back because every time I look at you, the guilt threatens to pull me under. You have every reason to hate me.”
I run my fingers over her cheek in a gentle caress. “I could never hate you, Ellie, you’re the love of my life. I hated the situation, and I was angry at myself for not handling it better, but you’ve got to know, there wasn’t a single second I had anything but love for you.”
“Really?”
“Truly.”
She stares down at the chip in her hand. “You’re one year clean?”
“Yeah. I’d have come over earlier today, but my sponsor made a big deal out of it at the meeting.”
Tears well in her eyes. “I’m so proud of you.” Now, I’m the one fighting back the waterworks.
“Thanks. I’m not going to lie and say it’s been a cakewalk, but it led me to you. I’d live through it all again if I had to.”
“Why didn’t you tell me sooner that you hadn’t had a relapse?”
“Because I didn’t want to disappoint you or myself. Saying it out loud, anticipating hitting this milestone in my recovery seemed overwhelming. I couldn’t handle telling you, and then if I didn’t make it, you’d be disappointed.”
“If we’re going to make this work, we have to be honest with each other, even when it might seem disappointing or difficult.”
“I can do that. First confession, if I’m honest, I’ve had so many sexy therapist fantasies since I found out it was you all along. I may have to play it out for you in your office, after hours, so no one will hear you screaming my name when you come.”
She launches herself at me, her lips crashing down on mine with months of pent-up emotion, frustration, fear, and relief. I answer her plea with my own. I kiss her with wild abandon, our tongues twisting and tangling in a fierce dance of desire. I’ve missed the taste of her and the way her soft lips feel on mine.
I hoist her into my arms and let her wrap her legs around my waist before kicking the door closed. I’ve been dreaming of this moment for so long, wondering if my mind was playing tricks on me. Could it really feel so good and so right with someone that it’s as if your bodies were made for each other? With Ellie wrapped around me and her lips on mine, the answer is a resounding yes. She was made for me, and I for her.
I’d love to take it slow and savor every kiss and caress, but a primal desire to claim her as mine takes over, our passion so animalistic it can’t be tamed. We tear at each other’s clothes, consumed with the need to connect—to make love—to fuck.
We stumble through my apartment, leaving a trail of clothes as we kiss, lick, nip, and caress our way to the bedroom. I’ve been lost without this—without her—since the night I left. Everything in my life makes sense with Ellie in my arms and in my bed. Nothing and no one that came before matters. She has wiped the slate clean and shown me that love is worth so much more than fame or fortune. I’d give every penny I have if it meant being with Ellie.
Her skin is like velvet as I trail kisses down her neck, making my way lower, capturing her tightly budded nipple in my mouth. The way her back arches with the elegance of a dancer, pushing me to take more, is enough to send me over the edge. It takes every ounce of self-control I have to draw this out.
“Oh, Johnny… I’ve missed this.”
“Halle-fucking-lujah!” I worship at her altar, making my way lower until I’m kissing and sucking between her thighs, the taste of her arousal sweet like honey on my tongue. “I’ve missed this.” Her body detonates within minutes, sending me into a tailspin as she writhes against my face, clawing at the sheets, screaming my name as she finds a long-overdue release.
She’s breathless and boneless when I position myself at her entrance and thrust. “Jesus-fucking-Christ!” It’s even better than I remember as our bodies move together—symbiotic. Her soul speaks to me with every circle of her hips and moan of pleasure.
Although our reunion is frantic and animalistic, time seems to slow as we get closer to the edge, every thrust a litany of my love for this woman. It’s then that I realize, perched on the verge of orgasm, that no matter how Ellie and I find release—quick and frenzied or slow and soft— I’ll always be making love to her. Every kiss and caress will be a testament to my deep devotion.
When we can’t hold back any longer, I slide my hand between us, circling her clit as we crash over the edge together, losing ourselves in the moment, joining our souls forever.
“I love you, Ellie.” Her name is a plea on my lips as an orgasm rips through me, pulling me out of the darkness I’ve been shrouded in my whole life and into the light with her.
There will never be another for me. Ellie is the songbird in my soul, and I’m going to spend the rest of my life making sure I’m the kind of man who deserves her heart.
“I have so many questions.” Tiny beams of sunlight break through the cracks in the drapes, casting my bedroom in a warm glow.
“Ellie?” I reach my hand out to the other side of the bed, but she’s not there.
“I made pancakes. I couldn’t sleep, and I got to thinking, and as delicious as my body feels this morning, we have so much to talk about.” I force my eyes open, aware that we didn’t go to sleep until after four in the morning.
“Can it wait until after coffee? And those pancakes you’re talking about? What time is it?”
“Seven.”
I close my eyes, throwing my arm up over my face to block out the light. “Are you always this perky in the morning?”
“Why?”
“Because I might have to rethink the whole forever timeline. I’m a musician. As a species, we aren’t morning people.”
“You’re a self-proclaimed cowboy. You’ve been getting up earlier than this for months.” She sets the tray of pancakes down on the bed and crawls back under the covers beside me, nestling herself at my back.
“Getting up at five was easy when I hadn’t been awake fucking all night. As you know, I was getting zero action in your absence and had a lot of pent-up sexual energy to work out. Now I can go back to sleeping late after sating my woman.”
“Never say that phrase again. It makes me not want to be ‘sated’ by you.”
“Liar. Call it anything you want, but your body can’t lie. You want me. You crave me.”
She slides her hand under the sheets, caressing my morning wood. “And your body tells me everything I need to know.”
“I need food. Seriously, I need sustenance before we go at it all day and all night, and then all day again.”
“I thought you might.”
She carefully pulls the tray to where I can grab a pancake. “So, you want to talk? Let me have it.” I shovel half a pancake in one bite, and I’m impressed. The girl can make a mean breakfast.
“Does the band know about your one-year mark?”
“I told Blue Bell. We had a lot to talk about, and I wanted to make sure she was okay with it before I spoke to the label.”
“Okay, about what?”
I quickly swallow the rest of the pancake before bracing my hands on her shoulders. I was hoping she’d start with something easy, but it’s us, so I should know better. “When I tell you, I need you to be okay with it.”
“You’re scaring me. What is it?”
“I quit the band. I’m not going on tour anymore.”
Her jaw drops, taking my stomach with it. “You can’t do that for me. We can figure it out. We’ll make it work. You can’t give up your dream to be with me. In the end, you’ll resent me. It could be a year or ten years from now, but you’ll hate me.”
“Hey, hey, hey, Narcissus, calm down. I didn’t do it for you. I love you, and I’d do just about anything for you, including a slow death from too much sex, but this was for me.”
“This is what you’ve wanted your whole life.”
“It’s not, actually. I love music, and I made a deal with the record label to write and play on the band’s next album and to write and produce for some of their other artists. I can do it here in my K Falls studio, Mustang Music, and I get to live my real dream.”
“I don’t understand.” I tuck a loose tendril of hair behind her ear, marveling at how beautiful she is inside and out.
“My dream has always been to have a family to call my own. To have a house with a big yard and kids running around who know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they’re loved and wanted. I craved someone to share my life with, and from the moment you walked into my life, I knew you were the missing piece of the puzzle. You are my dream, Ellie. This. Us.�
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“What about the whole rock-star lifestyle? You were born for it.”
“God, I hope not. I’d like to think I’m growing out of it right now. It’s fun when you’re twenty and haven’t been jaded by the seedy side of the industry. I indulged in every excess, and the longer it went on, the more I tried to convince myself that I was ‘living the dream.’ Guys everywhere would kill to be fawned over in every city and lavished with their poison of choice, but the reality is so far removed from that. Yeah, it’s not very rock star to want a white picket fence and a wife barefoot and pregnant, but fuck me, Ellie, I want all of that with you. Not in a 1950s kind of way. You’re fierce, and I love that about you. And now I’m babbling. Please say something.”
“I have the barefoot part down. I tore out of my house last night like a bat outta hell.”
“You have the bare everything going on right now, and I’m down for living a nudist lifestyle with you. Damn, you’re hot.”
“So, you’re really okay about staying here in Kingsbury Falls? I don’t want you to stay because you are scared of being tempted back to using.”
“I’m going to stop you there, doc. I know you’re always thinking with that brilliant, therapist brain of yours, but I want you to listen as my girlfriend.”
“Okay.” Her eyes are wide and unassuming and filled with love.
“I’m not scared. I know my limits. I don’t want to be out there with party girls and people constantly offering me a hit. It doesn’t fit in with the life I want for myself. The life I have planned for us.”
“The picket fence?”
“And the wife and babies. Don’t forget about that.”
“I’m down for the practicing for having babies. Lots and lots of practicing, but I’m not ready for that and neither are you.” She scrunches her nose, throwing her hand up over her eyes with a shyness that flies in the face of the woman I know her to be.
“Agreed, but there’s something I’m ready for, and I’ve never been surer about anything in my life.”
