A Time to Tell

by Maria Savva

  Cara pursed her lips.

  ‘Why don’t you want to see him?’ asked Penelope after a pause.

  ‘We used to know each other, but we didn’t part on good terms. I’d really rather not discuss it,’ said Cara, quickly.

  ‘What happened?’

  ‘I was young when I met him and I… fell in love with him, but it didn’t work out.’

  ‘You had a relationship with him?’

  ‘Yes, but I’d rather forget about it.’

  ‘You’re talking as if it happened yesterday. It must have been fifty-odd years ago; you must have been no more than teenagers. What harm would it do to have a meal together?’

  ‘I don’t want to see him,’ said Cara. ‘You’ll have to cancel the arrangements.’

  ‘A whole lifetime has passed since you last met. Aren’t you even curious to see what he’s like now? You might even laugh at your failed relationship.’

  ‘You’re not listening to me, Penny.’

  ‘Nan, I’m going to make us a cup of tea and then I want you to tell me exactly what happened back then. You’re acting as if I’ve invited a mass murderer to dinner.’ She walked out of the room.

  When Penelope returned with the tea, she sat on the sofa and, using the remote control, turned off the television.

  ‘Hi, Nan,’ shouted Andrew.

  Carl ran after him into the living room and immediately switched on the television.

  ‘Carl, Andrew, go and play in your room. Nan’s tired.’

  Penelope switched off the television again.

  ‘Oh, Mum!’ the boys cried in unison.

  ‘Just go!’ said Penelope.

  The boys ran out of the room and could be heard running up the stairs.

  ‘Right.’ Penelope handed Cara a cup of tea. ‘I want to hear everything, from the beginning.’

  Cara wished she could stand up and leave the room.

  ‘What could Steve’s dad have done that was so bad?’ asked Penelope after Cara’s unbroken silence. ‘Just because you hated him as a teenager is no reason to refuse to see him now.’

  ‘I didn’t hate him,’ Cara said. ‘Well, maybe I did. I don’t know. It was so long ago.’

  ‘Exactly! It was ages ago, so why can’t you forgive and forget?’

  ‘It’s not that simple.’ Cara stopped, reluctant to say more, feeling uncomfortable talking about him. The meeting with Steve had awoken emotions inside her, emotions she had thought were dead and buried.

  ‘How long did your relationship last?’ asked Penelope, interrupting her reminiscence.

  ‘Only a couple of months.’

  ‘Can’t you just let bygones be bygones?’

  ‘No. Sorry.’

  ‘Steve’s become a good friend of mine, Nan. I don’t want to let him down. Can you please explain why you won’t see his dad?’

  ‘It’s personal, Penny.’

  ‘I told you everything about my problems with Dave. That was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Whatever happened between you and Steve’s dad, I’d like to feel you can tell me.’

  ‘I’ve never told anyone this before. Not even Billy.’ An image in her mind of the last time she’d seen her husband taunted her and caused her to sigh deeply. ‘I didn’t want anyone to know,’ she stated morosely.

  ‘It might do you good to talk about it.’

  Cara looked at her granddaughter and then closed her eyes again. On opening them, she said, ‘If I tell you, Penny, it goes no further. Can you promise me you won’t tell anyone?’

  ‘Who would I tell, Nan? I don’t go anywhere or see anyone. Oh, okay, yes, I promise.’ Penelope shrugged.

  ‘Oh, I hope I don’t regret this.’ Cara looked up to the ceiling and then said, ‘It’s possible… Well, I-I think my relationship with Freddie resulted in me becoming pregnant.’

  Penelope frowned. ‘What do you mean you “think”?’

  ‘I wasn’t sure.’

  ‘You either got pregnant, or you didn’t. I don’t understand.’ Penelope took a tissue from the box on the coffee table and blew her nose. ‘Oh, I get it. You lost the baby. That’s what this is all about.’ Her eyes were distant.

  Cara remembered Brenda telling her that Penelope had lost a baby girl.

  ‘You don’t want to meet Freddie because it brings it all back.’

  ‘No, dear, I had the baby.’

  Penelope gaped at Cara. ‘You had a baby with him? Wh-what happened to it? Did you have to give it away?’

  Cara looked at her hands. ‘Your father might be Freddie’s son.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I always told myself he must be Billy’s child, but he looks so much like Freddie…’

  ‘I’m… I don’t know what to say.’ Penelope blinked exaggeratedly. ‘Who else knows about this? Does my dad know?’

  ‘No, no one knows.’

  ‘My dad didn’t know?’

  ‘I didn’t know for sure; it’s only a suspicion I have. He could be Billy’s son. I’ve never really been sure, Penny.’

  ‘How could you not have known? Were you seeing both of them at the same time?’

  ‘No, I met and married Billy within a few weeks of splitting up with Freddie.’

  Penelope stood up and walked towards the window. She turned to face Cara. ‘So you’ve kept this secret for so long? If I hadn’t met Steve, no one would ever have known.’

  ‘I didn’t want to upset Billy or your father, and Freddie had gone. I had no idea where.’

  ‘Why did you and Freddie split up?’

  ‘He was married at the time.’

  ‘You had an affair with a married man?’

  ‘I didn’t know he was married. I fell in love with him. I was swept away: it was truly love at first sight. In my eyes he could do no wrong. He was my first love.’ Shaking her head, she added, ‘So young and so naive.’

  Wrinkles of confusion formed on Penelope’s brow. She returned to the sofa and sat next to Cara. ‘If you’re not sure about any of it, why are you still refusing to see him?’

  ‘Ben always looked different from Cathy and Jamie; he reminded me so much of Freddie. He has the same dark hair, and dark brown eyes.’

  ‘So, Steve’s dad might be my granddad. I’d say that’s more of a reason to invite him to lunch. I want to meet him.’

  ‘No, Penny, please. I didn’t tell him about the pregnancy. I never knew until I married Billy. It’s best left in the past.’

  ‘I wonder how my dad would react to being told he’s not Grandpa Billy’s son?’

  Recalling her conversation with Benjamin about Billy’s death, Cara said, ‘Your father loved Billy. Idolised him. He was heartbroken over his death.’

  ‘Nan, my dad wasn’t around when Grandpa Billy died, how do you know—’ She stopped, then staring at Cara she said, ‘Nan, do you keep in touch with my dad?’

  ‘No, of course not.’

  ‘Well, how did you know he was heartbroken over Grandpa Billy’s death?’

  ‘Um… Glor told me.’

  ‘Aunty Gloria? Has she seen him?’

  ‘Yes, in Huddlesea.’

  ‘Does he live there?’

  ‘No, he lives in London, but he goes to Huddlesea for work from time to time.’

  ‘Did you see him when you were in Huddlesea?’

  Cara couldn’t be sure whether Penelope wanted her to say yes or no. ‘I suppose you have a right to know. Yes, I saw him briefly in Huddlesea, but it’s not worth mentioning, dear. I won’t be seeing him again, so there’s nothing to concern yourself about.’

  Penelope took another tissue and wiped a tear from her eye. ‘Sorry, Nan, I don’t know why I’m crying, I’m all right really.’ After a brief pause, she continued, ‘How is he?’

  Cara looked at her granddaughter, trying to work out why she had asked the question. Did she care? Had she forgiven him? ‘Um… he’s all right, I suppose,’ she said.

  ‘Is he still the same?’

  ‘He still looks the
same, a bit older but—’

  ‘No, I mean, does he still behave the same?’

  ‘He’s really sorry about the way he behaved back then.’

  ‘Did he ask about me and Jemima?’

  ‘Yes, he loves you; he never stopped caring about you.’

  ‘Why did you say you won’t be seeing him again?’

  ‘It’s complicated. He has a new partner. She’s only just found out about how his relationship with your mum ended and it shocked her. He’s totally reinvented himself. He calls himself Paul. Claire, his partner, doesn’t want him to keep in touch with me.’ The truth was too painful to relate.

  ‘Are you sure it’s her who doesn’t want to, or him?’

  Cara remembered how Benjamin told her he didn’t want to stay in contact with her. She’d tried to shut it out, but she felt an ache in her heart, realising he’d written himself out of her life for good. ‘I don’t know, Penny, but either way, we won’t be seeing him again.’

  ‘It’s probably for the best,’ said Penelope, drinking the rest of her tea in silence.

  Cara was reminded of the girl she’d known before: the girl who had lived with David. She was ashen-faced, her eyes devoid of hope. ‘I didn’t mean to upset you, Penny.’

  ‘It’s all right, Nan, I’m glad you told me this. I needed to know.’

  The two women stared straight ahead. They were looking at nothing in particular, like two strangers in a waiting room.

  Penelope walked back to the window, then turned to face Cara. ‘One of the girls I met at the refuge was going through a divorce. Her husband tried to claim she’d had an affair and that the child wasn’t his. Her solicitor arranged a blood test. My dad and Freddie can have a blood test.’

  ‘No.’ Cara shook her head.

  ‘Why not? It makes sense.’

  ‘Penny, please, I’ve already told you, this is a secret I’ve kept for most of my life and I don’t want anyone else to know.’

  ‘This is important to me, Nan, can’t you see? I thought my granddad died, but he might still be alive. Steve might be my uncle. I’ve got this whole new family I didn’t know about. It’s been so hard these past few years, not having any family beside me that I could rely on—’

  ‘I’ve been with you.’

  ‘I don’t mean you, Nan; I mean my mum deserted me. I haven’t seen my sister for years. My dad… well, you know the story. If they’d been around, maybe all this with Dave wouldn’t have happened.’

  Cara felt the stab of guilt again over keeping her suspicions about the violence to herself.

  ‘I just think finding out about this new family has come at the perfect time for me, when I’m starting to rebuild my life.’

  ‘Your father doesn’t want to know me,’ said Cara. ‘I can’t see him agreeing to this.’

  ‘I’m sure he’d want to know if his real dad is still alive.’

  ‘It’s not a good idea. Your father admired Billy. He told me he inspired him to put his past behaviour behind him and change. I don’t know how he’d react to this news.’

  ‘My dad must be about fifty years old. I’m sure he’d be able to handle it. He doesn’t need a dad at his age, but I’m sure he’d be interested in finding out that his family history is a bit different from what he was led to believe.’

  ‘It’s all speculation. I shouldn’t have said anything. He might still be Billy’s son, so what’s the use rocking the boat at this stage? We’re all old.’

  ‘I want to know,’ said Penelope.

  ‘I understand why you’re curious, Penny, but this isn’t something to go rushing into. As I told you before, Freddie never even knew I was pregnant when we split up; you can’t just go and ask him to have a test after all these years to see if he’s your grandfather. You’re getting carried away with this because it sounds exciting. You’re young, I know why you’d look at it that way, but it’s complicated. What good could it do anyone to find out now?’

  ‘It’s better for people to know who they’re related to, isn’t it? Medical issues, that sort of thing. There are lots of things that run in families.’

  ‘It doesn’t matter anymore, too much time has passed.’

  ‘It matters to me. I have two young sons. I want them to know their family. I’ll speak to Steve and see what he thinks about it; I mean, he’s a counsellor so he’d know if it’s a good idea to bring all this out into the open.’

  ‘I’m too old for this.’

  ‘Nan, I’ll deal with it. You don’t have to do a thing,’ said Penelope, taking her hand.

  Cara could not sleep that night. Frederick remembered her. She felt excited, unable to wait and see what happened next: would he be told their relationship resulted in her becoming pregnant? How would he react to the news? She surprised herself with her thoughts.

  Cara knew and could not deny that her love for Frederick had been all-consuming. She’d loved Billy, but that was another kind of love, more of a companionship. Shutting her eyes, she asked herself why she’d allowed her feelings for Frederick to be rekindled.

  How would his wife take the news? Was he still with his wife?

  Shaking her head, she attempted to put an end to the overthinking. Do I still love him? Her heart rate quickened.

  As she questioned herself, she became aware of the reality: her relationship with Frederick remained an unfinished chapter; she’d never really stopped loving him, simply filed it all away at the back of her mind. Their union ended suddenly and unexpectedly. She’d believed she would marry him and have his children. She’d imagined they’d be together for ever. Those filed-away feelings had been there all along and were now being opened and re-examined.

  CHAPTER THIRTY

  Cara’s parents were confused when she first introduced Billy as her boyfriend.

  ‘Didn’t you say your boyfriend’s called Freddie, dear?’ asked her mother, bewilderment evident in her frown.

  ‘He was only a friend,’ replied Cara, blushing.

  ‘But—’

  ‘No, Mother, Billy is my boyfriend now.’ Cara had to resist the urge to cry as thoughts of Frederick flashed through her mind.

  ‘People will start talking about you, young lady. You’ll get a reputation if you’re not careful.’

  ‘I’m happy with Billy,’ she muttered.

  ‘You were brought up properly. You’ll bring shame on the family; you know how people talk in this town. Only last week you were telling me how much you love Freddie, but now you bring Billy home…’

  ‘Billy saved my life,’ said Cara, trying to make sense of the situation.

  ‘Yes, and I’m grateful to him, but what are you going to do? Are you going to marry Billy? You should be finding a good man to settle down with at your age. You shouldn’t be giving your heart to every man you meet. You were going to introduce us to Freddie last week. What went wrong?’

  Cara could not bear to speak about him. She felt dizzy suddenly and started to cry.

  ‘Cara! Cara!’ Her mother put an arm around her and helped guide her to a chair.

  ‘I’m all right,’ said Cara. ‘I’m just tired.’

  Her mother stared at her then. Just stared, didn’t say a word. Then, narrowing her eyes before closing them for a brief moment, she said, ‘I’ll make you a cup of sweet tea.’

  Years later, Cara often remembered the way her mother’s eyes had burned into her soul then, as if she were reading her innermost thoughts. Something told her that her mother had known more than she herself knew at the time: about the pregnancy.

  Billy’s proposal of marriage came unexpectedly, only a couple of weeks after they met. Cara had thrown herself into this new relationship, wanting to dispel the horrible hollowness that took over after Frederick’s rejection. She knew Billy loved her. Nothing else mattered. When he proposed, she smiled and said yes automatically, certain that would be the best way to forget about Frederick.

  Since last seeing Frederick, she’d spent her nights crying herself to sleep and her
days waiting for him to come back. She wanted him to tell her it was all a lie, or that he’d left his wife for her, but as each day passed with no sign of him, her anxiety increased. The way he disappeared so completely made her wonder whether she’d dreamt him, whether their relationship had been just an illusion.

  Billy became her lifeline throughout the turmoil of those days. She did not love him, not in the way she loved Frederick, but Billy brought a sense of equanimity to her life. She could not quite comprehend why he loved her but she knew, without doubt, that he did.

  As she walked down the aisle on the day of her wedding, Cara cried. It was not out of the ordinary for a bride to shed a few tears of joy, but her tears were of heartache and remorse. What would everyone do if she just turned around and ran out of the church? She felt an urge to run. Far away.

  On reaching the altar, she saw Billy standing beside her, smiling; he appeared blissfully happy. She couldn’t do it to him. If she walked out on him, she’d hurt him, break his heart, just as Frederick had broken hers. It was over a month since she’d last seen him, and it was unlikely she would ever see him again.

  Wiping her tears and blanking her mind, she went ahead with the wedding.

  Instead of being one of the happiest days of her life, to Cara her wedding day was like a public function she had not particularly wanted to attend.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

  ‘I’ve made an appointment at the solicitors’ so we can arrange the DNA tests,’ said Penelope, sitting next to Cara on the living room sofa.

  Ever since the revelation of her relationship with Frederick Johnson, Cara had suffered a constant sick feeling inside, a churning in her stomach. The past had finally found its way to her door.

  ‘Someone will have to contact my dad,’ said Penelope.

  ‘Penny, I’ve already told you what I think about involving your father in all of this. He doesn’t want to keep in contact with me.’

  ‘Everything’s changed now; this is important.’

  ‘Can’t we just forget about it?’