A Time to Tell

by Maria Savva

  A few days later, Penelope received a phone call from Steve.

  ‘Nan, Steve says his dad’s been to the doctor and given his DNA sample. He’s suggested we all get together for dinner. Freddie wants to see you.’

  Cara shifted uncomfortably. ‘You know how I feel about that.’

  ‘Well, once the test results come through, you’ll have to see him.’

  ‘Why? Why will I have to see him?’

  ‘If it’s proved my dad is his son, they’ll want to get to know each other, won’t they?’

  ‘Your father is fifty years old, he doesn’t need a dad. And Billy was the best dad he could have asked for. I didn’t want this test done in the first place, Penny. I don’t see how it will benefit any of them. Why would Freddie want to meet a son he never knew existed, at his age? As far as I can see, Steve is the only one who wants this test done. It’ll all be yesterday’s news soon enough. So what if Freddie is Ben’s father? I don’t care.’

  ‘Nan, there’s more to it than that.’ Penelope sat down beside her on the sofa. ‘According to Steve, his dad has fond memories of your relationship. He’d like to get to know you again.’

  Fond memories? Cara felt the colour rush to her cheeks. ‘It wasn’t even a proper relationship,’ she protested, ‘just a fling I had when I was a foolish young girl. I regret meeting him. I don’t want to see him. Do you ever want to see any of your ex-boyfriends to talk about old times?’ She looked directly at Penelope.

  ‘This is a bit different: you had a child together.’

  ‘That hasn’t been proved.’ Cara averted her gaze.

  ‘But you said it’s a strong possibility. Doesn’t that make your relationship with Freddie a bit more than a fling?’

  Cara pursed her lips.

  ‘Aren’t you even curious to know what he did in his life after your relationship?’

  ‘I know what he did: he went back to his wife. I was in love with him, but he was just having an affair.’

  Penelope screwed up her nose. ‘You’re still holding on to a lot of resentment. If you meet up with him and talk things through, it might help you come to terms with the past and put it all in perspective. You’re still seeing him as the man who betrayed you all those years ago, but he’s an old man. He can’t hurt you. You’re hardly a young, innocent girl anymore.’

  ‘I know you want to help, dear, but betrayal is not an easy thing to forget.’

  ‘I know what betrayal feels like,’ said Penelope. Sighing, she went on, ‘I just think this is your chance to resolve something for yourself. Your past has been hanging over you. It must’ve done, I suppose, if you thought my dad wasn’t Grandpa Billy’s son.’ She raised her eyebrows. ‘Wow! Thinking about it, how did you get through that?’

  Cara looked at her hands. ‘As I said, Penny, I never really knew for sure.’

  ‘No, but it must have played on your mind over the years.’

  ‘Maybe.’

  ‘You not wanting to see Freddie, after all this time… that proves my point: it’s been bothering you for a long time, and you still haven’t forgiven him, have you?’

  ‘Perhaps I haven’t.’

  ‘If you meet him and talk, you might be able to finally forgive and forget. I’m reading a book that says if you don’t let go of blame you can’t really move on in your life, you’ll always be stuck. It’s good advice.’

  ‘Maybe for a young girl like you, but I’m old; I’ve got nowhere to move on to.’ She laughed drily. ‘I’ve lived my life. I think I moved on from Freddie—I married Billy, I had my children and my grandchildren.’ She touched her granddaughter’s hand gently and smiled.

  ‘But Nan, you still seem so angry with him. That’s not right.’

  ‘Penny, it’s not always easy to forget the past. You of all people should know that. When we saw your father the other day in Huddlesea, I dearly wished we could try to be a family again, but I understood you were still angry with him. You’re unable to put that behind you, so we’re probably never going to have a proper relationship with him. I feel exactly the same way about my past with Freddie.’

  ‘What? My dad nearly killed my mum, how can I forget that?’ Penelope stood up.

  ‘Please, Penny, don’t get upset. I’m only using it as an example—’

  ‘Huh! It’s not a good example,’ she said, twisting around to face Cara, hands on her hips. ‘Having a violent drunk for a dad and not being able to forgive him is a bit different from splitting up with your boyfriend and holding on to it for the rest of your life!’

  Cara opened and closed her mouth, unsure what to say. ‘S-sorry… All I meant was… Well, you said you can’t move on until you put the past behind you; you have to forgive and forget. Are you willing to do that with your father?’

  ‘Why is this conversation suddenly all about me and my dad?’ Penelope slouched and walked over to the window. She stood there, her back to Cara for a short while.

  When she turned around, Cara could see she had been crying.

  Penelope sat down next to her. ‘I know I have issues that I have to resolve,’ she said drying her eyes. ‘Who knows? Maybe someday I’ll forgive my dad. Maybe I’ll even forgive Dave. But it’s all too recent; it’s going to take time, that’s why I’m getting counselling.’

  ‘I’m sorry for upsetting you, dear.’ Cara held her hand.

  ‘It’s all right, Nan.’

  They sat in silence.

  Eventually, Penelope spoke. ‘I’m sorry to keep going on at you about meeting with Freddie, but as it’s been over fifty years since your relationship—’ She shrugged.

  ‘It’s hard to explain.’ Cara looked into her granddaughter’s deep brown eyes and was once again reminded of Frederick. She turned away. ‘Have you ever been so in love with someone that you didn’t want to exist without him? Have you ever felt that you had to be with him, and only him, and that no one else could ever be good enough?’

  ‘I can’t say I have,’ said Penelope. ‘All that true love stuff, I don’t know if it really exists. I thought I loved Dave, but it was more of a feeling that we had things in common.’

  ‘One day you’ll meet the right man and you’ll remember my words,’ said Cara, her eyes distant.

  ‘I get it, he was your first love, but you fell in love with Grandpa Billy later.’

  ‘Freddie was always on my mind, even then.’

  ‘It must have been hard for you to forget him because you knew you were pregnant—’

  ‘No, at the time I met Billy, I didn’t know I was pregnant, but I still loved Freddie. Over the years, it became easier to live with, but I never forgot him.’

  ‘But what about Grandpa Billy? You loved him, didn’t you?’

  ‘Of course, but not in the same way as I loved Freddie. Billy was the kindest man I’ve ever known, steady and reliable, but Freddie stole my heart.’

  ‘So when you married Grandpa Billy you were still in love with Freddie?’ The surprise in Penelope’s voice was audible.

  ‘Yes,’ said Cara, her mind drifting back to her wedding day. ‘I denied it for a long time, but as you get older you’ll realise there’s no denying the truth and there’s no point trying to hide feelings. Having said that, I haven’t thought of Freddie for years… decades.’ She felt herself blush.

  ‘I still don’t understand why you won’t see him.’

  ‘It took me years to get to the stage where I didn’t wake up every morning and immediately think of him.’

  ‘Are you saying you might still be in love with him?’

  ‘Don’t be silly.’ Cara laughed but was unable to meet her granddaughter’s eyes. Smoothing her skirt with her hands, she said, ‘I don’t want to be reminded about everything. Tell Steven I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to meet up.’

  ‘But when the test results come through—’

  ‘We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.’

  That night as Cara lay in bed, habitually holding the silver locket between he
r thumb and forefinger mulling over the day’s events, she was unable to dispel the sense of mortification. She’d spilled her heart out to Penelope. Something had snapped inside her as soon as she’d heard Frederick wanted to see her again. I must have sounded like a lovesick fool. Why did I gabble on for so long? Ever since she’d revealed the truth to Penelope and Benjamin about the relationship, all her repressed emotions—dormant for years—had been battling for freedom.

  Why did he want to meet with her? Was he not content with lying to her, stealing her innocence, breaking her heart? To him it had been just another relationship and he remembered it with “fond memories”, disregarding the bad bits.

  Even after so much time had passed between them, and from such a distance, how could he still have this effect on her? She wished she could go back to their first meeting in The Horse and Dragon: she would not fall for his smile or for those eyes but would simply walk out of the door.

  She prayed the days would pass quickly and the result of the paternity test would soon be known, then they could put it all behind them, go their separate ways. Even as she prayed, however, she knew it wasn’t going to be that simple; it wouldn’t all just go away. Frederick had returned.

  On closing her eyes, she envisaged his smile, his deep brown eyes, and remembered his touch… his kiss…

  CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

  The following morning, Cara sat gazing out of the window in the front room as Penelope got the children ready for school. A man approached the house: he was grey-haired and quite tall, but she couldn’t see him clearly as he was facing the door.

  Penelope opened the door on her way out, before the man had a chance to ring the bell. Cara heard them talking but could not hear what they were saying.

  A moment later Penelope ran into the room. ‘Nan, I don’t know how to tell you this, but Steve’s dad is here. He’s come to see you.’

  Cara peered out of the window. Freddie? Her cheeks reddened. ‘You know I don’t want to see him, Penny,’ she said in a half-whisper.

  ‘But he’s come all this way—’

  ‘I don’t want to see him,’ Cara repeated, peeking through the net curtains.

  He looked in her direction.

  She shrank back, then stole a quick glance at him. He was facing the front door; the curtains must have obscured his view. Cara caught her breath.

  By that time, Penelope was already at the front door. Cara watched as Frederick nodded politely and walked away towards the gate.

  ‘I’m off, Nan. I’ve told him to come back later, when I’m here. See you soon,’ shouted Penelope from the front door. ‘Come on Carl, Andrew, we’ll be late.’

  Cara found herself wondering whether she’d done the right thing. She recalled Frederick’s face—the glimpse she’d caught as he’d stood at the door—the emotions that had stirred within her were the same ones she’d felt as a young girl; her heart had reached out to him as he turned to leave, not wanting him to go.

  Although much older, he was still handsome; his eyes retained that dreamy quality. She knew now, for certain, that the love she’d felt for this man in her youth was alive and well. Her whole life she had been trying in vain to forget him, wanting to hate him.

  Cara was still looking out of the window when Penelope returned, almost half an hour later.

  ‘Hi, Nan.’ Penelope smiled at her. ‘I just about managed to get the boys to school on time!’ She sat next to Cara on the sofa. ‘So what are we going to do about Freddie? He must want to talk to you quite badly to have come all this way on his own, especially after I told Steve last night that you don’t want to see him.’

  ‘Why did you ask him to come back later, Penny?’

  ‘So we can sort this out once and for all. He obviously wants to discuss the paternity test and about finding out he’s got a son he never knew existed. He’ll want answers.’

  ‘Why now? He disappeared fifty years ago.’

  ‘You should talk to him so he can get whatever he has to say off his chest. You’re probably nervous of meeting him because of the way you split up. It’ll be good for you to see him; you’ll realise he’s an old man. Your life has changed completely since you last saw him. You might even become friends. You can tell him you don’t want to see him again if that’s what you decide.’

  ‘Don’t let him in when he comes back,’ said Cara. She knew she could not risk a meeting with him. Her feelings for him were the same—misguided or not, they were there: the attraction had survived the decades.

  ‘Nan—’

  ‘I won’t see him.’

  Later that afternoon, Cara was left alone in the house when Penelope went to collect the children from school. Would Frederick make another appearance? It felt almost as if she were waiting for him. She tried to focus on the television but her mind wandered.

  Soon Penelope returned from her brief trip, with the boys in tow. ‘Hi, Nan.’

  ‘Hello, dear.’

  ‘Guess who I saw when I was parking the car?’

  ‘Who?’

  ‘Freddie.’

  Cara’s eyes widened.

  ‘Don’t worry, I told him you didn’t want to see him.’

  ‘Good,’ said Cara, not sure if she meant it.

  ‘I felt a bit sorry for him, actually,’ said Penelope. ‘He seems really nice and he was disappointed when he heard you wouldn’t see him.’

  Sadness embraced Cara. Her mood was shifting erratically. One minute she never wanted to see him again, the next she desperately needed to talk to him. ‘I don’t know why he came,’ she said, to drown out sorrowful thoughts. ‘I could have been dead for all he cared all those years ago. Let’s hope the results of the paternity test come through quickly, then I can forget about all this.’ She settled her gaze back on the television.

  ‘It could be even worse after the results arrive, Nan. I mean, if he’s that eager to see you when we don’t know anything for sure, what will he be like if he finds out my dad is his son? I don’t think he’ll just go away.’

  Cara’s mind drifted back to their relationship and she recalled that they’d talked of having children, or was it only her who had talked about it? One particular evening came to mind, when they were lying in each other’s arms in the midst of the late summer of 1952. As she shut her eyes the memory became clearer…

  ‘I love you so much, Cara,’ said Frederick, sighing as he regarded her with his deep brown eyes.

  ‘I love you too,’ she said, blushing deep scarlet. ‘I wish we could stay like this for ever.’

  He smiled and ran his fingers through her hair.

  ‘We belong together,’ she said. ‘Do you ever think about what we’ll be doing in five years’ time?’

  ‘Let’s not think about the future, let’s concentrate on now,’ he replied, kissing her face and neck passionately.

  ‘Come on, Freddie, it’s fun trying to predict the future: what do you think we’ll be doing in five years?’

  ‘Cara, my love, no one can tell what the future will bring.’

  Cara leaned up onto her elbow and stroked the fine hairs on his chest. ‘Do you think we’ll have children by then?’ she whispered.

  He did not reply.

  ‘I’d love to have children,’ she gushed. ‘I’d love to have a son who looks exactly like you.’

  He laughed and took her in his arms again.

  Later that night, as she lay beside him watching him sleep, she felt peaceful, content, and happier than ever.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

  The days dragged and life seemed to be put on hold for Cara as she waited for the results of the paternity test. Frederick did not visit again, but she lived in a state of constant anticipation knowing he could reappear at any time.

  It came as a disappointment to her that he’d accepted so readily her refusal to meet with him. Why hadn’t he protested and refused to leave without seeing her?

  He’d be back when the test results revealed he was Benjamin’s father, and knowing thi
s only intensified her hope he would return before the results of the test were revealed: if he did, it would mean he wanted to see her, not that he was just coming back because he’d found out he had a long-lost son.

  Cara could not shake the reawakened emotions and noticed she spent an unhealthy amount of time thinking about Frederick. She found herself wondering whether his life since their relationship had been lived in turmoil, and maybe that was why he’d come here. Perhaps he’d gone to Huddlesea searching for her after she’d left for London with Billy. What if he’d spent a lifetime trying to find her and, now that he had, she had turned him away so coldly?

  However, as the days rolled by with no further sign of him, Cara began to feel foolish. It became clear he wasn’t interested in her and only wanted to know if Benjamin might be his son. If she was wrong about Benjamin’s paternity, she knew she would never see Frederick again. He’d be gone: just like the first time.

  One morning, Penelope brought Cara’s breakfast tray into the room as usual, but she didn’t walk out of the room as she usually did after a brief chat about how much trouble she’d had getting the boys ready for school; instead, she sat on the bed.

  Penelope blew her nose and wiped her eyes.

  ‘What’s wrong, Penny?’ asked Cara, the test results weighing on her mind. Had they arrived?

  ‘I-I received this today.’ Penelope put her hand into her jeans’ pocket and produced an envelope.

  Cara tensed, bracing herself for the news. Years of doubt, secrets, and denial flashed through her mind.

  As the envelope dangled from her hand, Penelope opened her mouth to speak.

  Cara could see the sadness in her eyes, an apparent need to say something, but the words weren’t there. ‘Penny, is it the results of the test?’

  ‘No, Nan,’ she said, holding the envelope closer to Cara as if it spoke for itself.

  Cara saw it was addressed to “Penelope Truman”, in unfamiliar handwriting.