Complete Works of Thomas Otway
Page 29
Scap.
Alas he was so in Love with the young wench, that if he had not had her, he must have certainly hang’d himself;
Sh.
Must! why he had already done it, But that I came very seasonably and cut the rope.
Th.
Didst thou cut the rope, Dog? ‘Ile Murther thee for that thou shouldest have let him hang.
Scap.
Besides, her Kindred surprized him with her, and forc’t him to marry her.
Th.
Then should he have presently gone, and protested against the Violence at a Notaries.
Scap.
O Lord Sir, he scorn’d that.
Th.
Then might I easily have disanulled the Martiage.
Scap.
Disanul the marriage.
Th.
Yes.
Scap.
You shall not break the marriage.
Th.
Shall not I break it?
Scap.
No.
Th.
What shall not I claim the priviledge of a Father, and have the Satisfaction for the violence done to my Son?
Scap.
’Tis a thing he will never consent to.
Th.
He will not consent to!
Scap.
No. Would you have him confess he was hector’d into any thing, that is to declare himself a Coward: Oh fie Sir, one that has Honour of being your Son, can never do such a thing.
Th.
Pish, talk not to me of Honour, he shall do it or be dis-inherited.
Scap.
Who shall dis-inherit him?
Th.
That will I Sir.
Scap.
You dis-inherit him! very good.
Th.
How very good?
Scap.
You shall not dis-inherit him.
Th.
Shall not I dis-inherit him?
Scap.
No.
Th.
No!
Scap.
No.
Th.
Sir, you are very merry; I shall not disinherit my Son?
Scap.
No I tell you.
Th.
Pray who shall hinder me?
Scap.
Alas Sir, your own self Sir; your own self.
Th.
I my self?
Scap.
Yes Sir, for you can never have the Heart to do it.
Th.
You shall find I can Sir.
Scap.
Come you deceive your self, Fatherly affection must show it self, it must, it must; do not I know you were ever tender hearted.
Th.
Y’are mistaken Sir, Y’are mistaken: — Pish, why do I spend my time in tittle tattle with this Idle fellow? — Hang-dog go find out my rake-hell —
[to Shift.
whil’st I go to my Brother Gripe and Inform him of my misfortune.
Scap.
In the mean time if I can do you any service. —
Th.
Oh! I thank you Sir, I thank you. —
[Exit Thrift.
Shift.
I must confess thou art a brave Fellow, and our affairs begin to be in a better posture — but the money, the money — we are abominable poor, and my Master has lean Vigilant dunns that torment him more than an old Mother does a poor Gallant, when she solicits a maintenance for her discarded Daughter.
Scap.
Your money shall be my next care — let me see, I want a fellow to — Canst thou not Counterfeit a roaring Bully of Alsatia? — Stalk — look big — very well. Follow me, I have ways to disguise thy voice and countenance.
Sh.
Pray take a little care and lay your plot so that I may not act the Bully all wayes, I would not be beaten like a Bully.
Scap.
We’l share the danger, we’l share the danger.
Exeunt.
ACT SECOND.
SCENE I.
Enter Thrifty and Gripe.
Gr.
SIR, what you tell me concerning your Son, hath strangely frustrated our Designs.
Thr.
Sir, trouble not your self about my Son, I have undertaken to remove all Obstacles, which is the business I am so vigorously in pursuit of.
Gr.
In troth, Sir, I’l tell you what I say to you, The Education of Children after the getting of e’m, ought to be the nearest Concern of a Father: And had you tutored your Son with that Care and Duty incumbent on you, he never could fo slightly have forfeited his.
Thr.
Sir, to return you a Sentence for your Sentence. Those that are so quick to Censure and condemn the Conduct of others, ought first to take Care that all be well at home.
Gr.
Why Mr. Thrifty, have you heard any thing concerning my Son?
Thr.
It may be I have, and it may be worse than of my own.
Gr.
What is’t I pray? My Son?
Thr.
Ev’n your own Scapin told it me, and you may hear it from him or some body else: For my part, I am your Friend, and would not willingly be the Messenger of ill news to one that I think so to me: Your Servant: I must hasten to my Councel to advise what’s to be done in this Case. Godbu’y till I see you again.
[Ex. Thrifty.
Gr.
Worse than his Son! For my part I cannot imagine how; For a Son to marry impudently without the Consent of his Father, is as great an Offence as can be imagin’d I take it: But yonder he comes.
Enter Leander.
Leand.
Oh my Dear Father, how Joyful am I to see you safely return’d. Welcome as the Blessing which I am now craving will be.
Gr.
Not so fast Friend’a mine, soft and fair goes far Sir. You are my Son, as I take it.
Leand.
What d’ee mean Sir?
Gr.
Stand still, and let me look yee in the Face.
Leand.
How must I stand Sir?
Gr.
Look upon me with both Eyes
Leand.
Well Sir I do.
Gr.
What’s the meaning of this Report?
Leand.
Report, Sir?
Gr.
Yes Report Sir, I speak English as I take it, What is’t that you have done in my absence?
Leand.
What is’t Sir which you would have had me done?
Gr.
I do not ask you what I would have had you done; but what you have done.
Leand.
Who I Sir? Why I have done nothing at all, not I Sir.
Gr.
Nothing at all! (Leand.) No Sir,
Gr.
You have no Impudence to speak on.
Leand.
Sir, I have the Confidence that becomes a Man, and my Innocence.
Gr.
Very well, But Scapin, d’ye mark me young man, Scapin has told me some tales of your Behaviour?
Leand.
Scapin!
Gr.
Oh have I caught you? That name makes ye blush do’s it? ’Tis well you have some Grace left.
Leand.
Has he said any thing concerning me?
Gr.
That shall be examined anon. In the mean while get you home d’ye hear. And stay till my return; But look to’t, if thou haft done any thing to dishonour me, never think to come within my Doors, or see my Face more; but expect to be as miserable as thy folly and poverty can make thee.
[Exit. Gr.
Leand.
Very fine: I am in a hopeful Condition. This Rascal has betrayed my marriage and undone me: Now there is no way left but to turn Outlaw, and live by rapine: and to set my hand in; the first thing shall be to Cut the throat of that perfidious Pick-thank Dog that has ruined me.
Enter Oct. and Scapin.
Oct.
Dear Scapin, h
ow infinitely am I obliged to thee for thy Care!
Leand,
Yonder he comes: I’m overjoyed to see you good Mr. Dog!
Scap.
Sir your most humble Servant, You honour me too far.
Leand.
You act an ill fools part, But I shall teach you.
Scap.
Sir.
Oct,
Hold Leander.
Leand.
No, Octavian, I’le make him confess the Treachery he has committed; yes Varlet Dog, I know the trick you have playd me: you thought perhaps no body would have told me. But i’le make you confess it, or I’le run my Sword in your Guts.
Scap.
Oh Sir, Sir, would you have the heart to do such a thing? have I done you any Injury Sir?
Leand.
Yes Rascal that you have, and I’le make you own it too, or I’le swing it out of your already tan’d thick hide.
[Beats him]
Scap.
The Devil’s in’t, Lord Sir, what d’yee mean? Nay good Mr. Leander, pray Mr. Leander; Squire Leander — As I hope to be saved —
Oct,
Prithee be quiet: for shame enough: —
[Interposeth]
Scap.
Well Sir, I confess indeed that —
Leand.
What! speak Rogue.
Scap.
About two Months agoe you may remember, a Maid Servant dyed in the house. —
Leand.
What of all that?
Scap.
Nay Sir, if I confess you must not be angry.
Leand.
Well go on.
Scap.
’Twas said she dyed for love of me Sir; But let that pass.
Leand.
Death, you trifling Buffoon;
Scap.
About a week after her death, I dreft my self up like her Ghost, and went into Madam Lucia your Mistresses Chamber, where she lay half in half out of bed, with her woman by her, reading an ungodly Play-book,
Leand.
And was it your Impudence did that?
Scap.
They both beleive it was a Ghost to this hour. But it was my self playd the Goblin to fright her from the Scurvy Custome of lying awake at those unseasonable hours, hearing filthy Plays when she had never said her Prayers.
Leand.
I shall remember you for all in time, and place; But come to the point, and tell me what thou hast said to my Father.
Scap.
To you Father? I have not so much as seen him since his return, and if you’d ask him he’ll tell you so himself.
Leand.
Yes he has told me himself, and told me all thou hast said to him!
Scap.
With your good leave Sir, then he ly’d, I beg your pardon I mean he was mistaken.
[Enter Sly]
Sly.
Oh Sir, I bring you the most unhappy news.
Leand.
Whats the matter?
Sly.
Your Mistress Sir, is yonder arrested in an Action of 200 l. They say ’tis a debt she left unpaid at London; in the hast of her escape hither to Dover, and if you do not raise money within this two hours to discharge her, Shee’l be hurried to prison.
Leand.
Within this two hours?
Sly.
Yes Sir, within this two hours.
Leand.
Ah my poor Scapin, I want thy assistance.
[Scapin walks about Surlily]
Scap.
Ah my poor Scapin! Now I’m your poor Scapin now you’ve need of me.
Leand.
No more I pardon thee all that thou hast done, and worse if thou art guilty of it.
Scap.
No no, never pardon me, run your Sword in my Guts, you’l do better to Murder me.
Leand.
For Heaven’s sake; think no more upon that, but study now to assist me.
Oct.
You must do something for him.
Scap.
Yes to have my bones broken for my pains.
Leand.
Would you leave me Scapin in this severe extremity!
Scap.
To put such an affront upon me as you did;
Leand.
I wrong’d thee I confess.
Scap.
To use me like a Scoundrel, a Villain, a Rascal, to threaten to run your Sword in my Guts.
Leand.
I cry thy Mercy withall my Heart, and if thou wilt have me throw my self at thy Feet, I’le doo’t.
Oct.
Faith Scapin you must, you cannot but yield.
Scap.
Well then; But d’yee mark me Sir, another time better words and gentler blows.
Leand.
Will you promise to mind my business?
Scap.
As I see convenient, Care shall be taken,
Leand.
But the time you know is short.
Scap.
Pray Sir, don’t be so troublesome: How much money is’t you want?
Leand.
Two hundred pounds. — (Scap.) And you? — (Oct.) As much.
Scap.
No more to be said. It shall be done; For you the Contrivance is laid already; and for your Father though he be covetous to the last degree, Yet thanks be to Heaven hee’s but a shallow person,
To Leander.
his parts are not extraordinary, do not take it ill Sir, for you have no resemblance of him, But that y’are very like him; Begon I see Octavians Father coming, I’le begin with him.
[Exeunt Oct. and Leand.
[Enter Thrifty]
Here he comes mumbling and chewing the Cud to prove himself a clean Beast.
Thr.
Oh audacious Boy, to commit so insolent a Crime, and plunge himself into such a mischief!
Scap.
Sir, your humble Servant.
Thr.
How do you Scapin?
Scap.
What, you are ruminating on your Sons rash Action.
Thr.
Have I not reason to be troubled?
Scap.
The life of man is full of troubles, that’s the truth on’t; But your Philosopher is alwaies prepared I remember an Excellent Proverb of the Ancients, very fit for your Case.
Thr.
What’s that?
Scap.
Pray mind it, ‘twill do ye a World of good.
Thr.
What is’t I ask you?
Scap.
Why; When the Master of a Family shall be absent any considerable time from his home or Mansion, he ought rationally, gravely, wisely, and Philosophically, to revolve within his mind all the concurrent Circumstances, that may during the Interval conspire to the Conjunction of those misfortunes, and troublesome accidents, that may intervene upon the said absence, and the interruption of his Oeconomical inspection, into the remissness, negligences, frailties, and huge and perillous Errours, which his Substitutes, Servants, or Trustees, may be capable of, or liable aud obnoxious unto, which may arise from the imperfection and corruptness of ingenerated Natures, or the taint and contagion of corrupted Education, whereby the Fountain-head of Man’s Disposition becomes muddy, and all the Streams of his Manners and Conversation run consequently defiled, and impure: These things premised, and fore-considered, arm the said prudent Philosophical Pater Familias, to find his House laid waste, his Wife murdered, his Daughters deflowred, his Sons hang’d:
Cum multis aliis qua nunc perscribere longum est
and to thank Heaven ’tis no worse too: D’ye mark, Sir?
Thr.
S’death! Is all this a Proverb?
Scap.
Ay, and the best Proverb, and the wisest in the World: Good Sir, get it by heart: T’will do ye the greatest good imaginable; and don’t trouble your self: I’le repeat it to you, till you have gotten it by heart.
Thr.
No, I thank you, Sir, I’ll have none on’t.
Pray do; you’l like it better next time; hear it once more, I say — When the Master of a —
Thr.
Hold, hold, I have better thoughts of my own; I’m going to my Lawyer; I’ll null the Marriage.
Scap.
Going to Law! Are ye mad to venture your self among Lawyers? Do you not see every day how the Spunges suck poor Clyents, and with a company of foolish, non-sensical terms, and knavish tricks, undo the Nation: No, you shall take another way.
Thr.
You have reason, if there were any other way.
Scap.
Come, I have found one. The truth is, I have a great compassion for your grief; I cannot when I see tender Fathers afflicted for their Sons miscarriages, but have bowels for ’em; I have much ado to refrain weeping for you.
Thr.
Truly my Case is sad, very sad.
Scap.
So it is; tears will burst out; I have a great respect for your person.
[Counterfeits weeping.
Thr.
Thank you with all my heart; in troth we should have a fellow-feeling.
Scap.
Ay, so we should; I assure you there is not a person in the World whom I respect more than the Noble Mr. Thrifty.
Thr.
Thou art honest Scapin. Ha’ done, ha’ done.
Scap.
Sir, Your most humble Servant.
Thr.
But what is your way?
Scap.
Why, In brief I have been with the Brother of her whom your wicked Son has Married.
Thr.
What is he?
Scap.
A most outragious roaring Fellow, with a down-hanging Look, contracted Brow, with a swell’d red Face enflam’d with Brandy; one that frowns, puffs, and looks big at all Mankind, roars out Oaths and bellows out Curses enough in a Day, to serve a Garrison a Week; bred up in blood and rapine, used to slaughter from his youth upwards; one that makes no more conscience of killing a Man, than cracking of a Lowse; he has killed sixteen, four for taking the Wall of him; five for looking too big upon him; two he shot pissing against the Wall: In short, he is the most dreadful of all the Race of Bullies.
Thr.
Heav’n! How do I tremble at the Description? But what’s this to my Business?
Scap.
Why, He (as most Bullies are) is in want, and I have brought him, by threatning him with all the Courses of Law, all the assistance of your Friends, and your great Purse, (in which I ventur’d my life ten times, for so often he drew and run at me) yet, I say, at last I have made him hearken to a Composition, and to null the Marriage for a sum of Money.
Thr.
Thanks, dear Scapin; but what sum?
Scap.
Faith, He was damnably unreasonable at first, and gad I told him so very roundly.
Thr.
A Pox on him, what did he ask?