Outside Looking In: A Browerton University Book

by Truman, A. J.

  Liam pivoted back to Nathan, who was stripped of all artifice, his pouty top lip quivering. It was a peek behind the curtain for what felt like the first time.

  “Nathan, why do you want to stay here? There must be other farms where you can do research for your movie.”

  Quiet took over the barn, and Nathan kept looking at him. “Because I like who I am here. Loads of times, so many fucking times, I get this objective view of myself, and I hate what I see. I’m like a car crash in slow motion. But I’m becoming a better person here. It’s better than rehab, I’ll tell you that. In rehab, guys wanted to treat me like a piece of ass to help them forget about drugs for a few minutes. Staff workers who were supposed to help me tried selling me shit because they knew addicts would pay anything for a fix.”

  Liam wanted to take back his punch of Nathan and use it against every person at that facility he was at. Maybe the farm was better than rehab. Nathan was away from most temptation and working through his addiction with manual labor.

  “What do you say, Liam?”

  Damn, he wanted to hug Nathan so bad, but something held him back. Liam gave him a terse nod. “One more chance.”

  “Thank you. And please, let’s just forget everything that happened last night. Everything,” Nathan said.

  Liam knew what he meant. It was a terrible, gross kiss, one that Nathan seemed to fervently regret. But Liam deflated just a bit. He wondered just how much Nathan wanted to erase it from his memory.

  “Forgotten,” he said.

  “Great.” Nathan fought back another yawn.

  “I can cover things from here, if you want to take a nap on the couch.”

  “No. There’s still work to be done.” Nathan looked like he was going in for a hug, and maybe Liam would’ve tried to reciprocate. He felt some type of force trying to pull them together, but they both stopped themselves.

  Liam tipped his hat at Nathan instead.

  Chapter 12

  Nathan

  Over the next week, Nathan was a model employee. He was on the field by four-fifteen every morning, and Liam was there with an extra mug of coffee in hand. He didn’t complain about the tasks Liam gave him. He shoveled shit with a smile on his face. And it did feel good, doing actual work and being helpful.

  Liam asked him if he was going through any withdrawal, and Nathan cheerfully told him he was absolutely fine. Which was an absolute lie. The week was filled with killer headaches and nausea. Next came the shaky hands as the last bits of alcohol clung to his skin. In those times, he gripped his shovel or whatever tool he was holding extra hard, willing the poison out of him. For those times when he thought about having a drink, or about all the liquor available to him in Mark’s cabinet, he pictured Liam naked, shagging his brains out. Hell, even just picturing Liam walking towards him on the field, his jacked arms and broad chest getting closer, a half-smile on his face that peeked at his white teeth, was enough for Nathan. He gripped his own tool in those cases, masturbating like he was a teenager again. Lusting after one’s boss and the uncle of one’s secret siblings wasn’t an ideal situation, but it did the trick.

  Nathan knew that nothing would happen between him and Liam. That kiss was a drunken mistake, even if Nathan had secretly wished he’d done it when sober. But he was already on shaky ground. He couldn’t risk getting booted from the farm and getting on the bad side of his siblings. Even though it set him on that alcohol-fueled tailspin, Nathan wanted to see more of his mother. He wanted to watch more videos and look through more of her things. He wanted to be closer to her, as hard as it would be. There had to be more to the story about why she abandoned him. Mariel seemed like a sweet, loving mother and wife. How could she do what she did to Nathan all those years ago? It didn’t jive, and perhaps in her personal belongings, there was a clue as to what happened.

  “Once more, from the top.” Nathan sat on Franny’s bed and cued her to start singing again.

  She stood up straight, jutted her neck out softly, and the words of On the Steps of the Palace flowed from her mouth. There were some bumps in the musical road, times where she yelled the words to wring emotion instead of sang them, but overall, she had natural talent. Mariel had blessed both of them with abilities.

  “How was that?” she asked.

  “It was all right.” Nathan refrained from going Simon Cowell on her. But he wasn’t going to lie to her. “It needs work, but the base is there.”

  “Do you think I can master this song by the audition next week?”

  “It’s possible. You’re going to have to work hard. We’ll need to practice everyday.”

  “I will. I remember Mum would sing scales and practice lines to herself as she cleaned the house.”

  She smiled at the memory. Nathan found himself picturing the memory, too. Now that he had a better idea of what she looked and sounded like, he could envision Mariel. It was a small comfort. No longer was his mum a complete enigma. Just a large one.

  “It would be awesome if I got cast in the show.” Franny was auditioning for the local playhouse production of Into the Woods. It was the same theater where their mother had performed. “Do you think I’d get cast as the baker’s wife like Mum?”

  “You’re probably too young for that role, but I think you could be Rapunzel or Cinderella. Doesn’t every girl want to be a princess?”

  “I’d rather be the witch, the one causing all the trouble,” Franny said with a sly smile, one that would’ve looked right at home on Nathan’s face.

  “Nathan?” Mark knocked on the door.

  “It’s open.”

  “Did you want to go get Liam for dinner?”

  “Will do.”

  Nathan walked across the field. He thought about how wonderful these nightly dinners were. Mark had discovered Pinterest and was trying new recipes. There was good food, good conversation, and after dinner, they’d watch an episode of The Golden Girls together. It was a perfect cap on the day.

  The air was chilly and thick tonight. He paused for a second to admire the night sky full of stars. They didn’t have skies like this back in London.

  He yanked open Liam’s screen door so that it thwacked against the house, then the front door. “Liam, dinner’s ready. Shit!”

  And there was Liam, wet and buck naked.

  He was in the middle of toweling off from the shower. Fortunately for him, and maybe for Nathan too, he had been drying his nether regions, so Nathan had glimpsed everything but the piece de resistance. From the looks of his blooming pubic mound, Liam had not been inspired at all from their conversation about crotching.

  “Shit. I’m sorry.”

  “I think the proper thing to do is knock.” Liam didn’t try to run. He kept toweling himself off. “What did you storm in here to tell me?”

  He wrapped the towel around his waist where it slung low on his hips. Droplets of water glistened on his chest hair and cascaded down his abs. Nathan remembered to blink. It would provide good fodder for fighting off the alcohol demons later.

  “Dinner’s ready.” Nathan took a breath. He didn’t know why he was the uncomfortable one here. If Liam was an unfazed straight dude, then he could be the unfazed gay guy. “I said dinner’s ready.”

  “I’ll get dressed.” Liam seemed to be enjoying this, much like Nathan liked making his ears turn red. He went into his bedroom area, his round ass moving under that towel effortlessly.

  “You didn’t make me uncomfortable,” he called into the bedroom. “I’ve seen plenty of naked men. Plenty!”

  “Congratulations,” Liam deadpanned.

  “And if you think I’m going to get naked to make things even, well then you have a fucked-up sense of fairness.”

  Liam came back out wearing boxers with sheep on them. Against all odds, Nathan found it attractive. “Have a seat. I’ll be dressed in a minute.”

  Nathan waited on the couch, facing the wall in front of him. On the coffee table was Liam’s laptop, once again open to Facebook. Fortunately, he was
n’t looking at pictures of his ex-girlfriend as far as he could tell. His feed refreshed, and Nathan found something much more frightening.

  The picture of his mum and dad.

  One of Liam’s friends sent him a Facebook message attaching a link to his missed connection post and wrote Isn’t this your late SIL?

  “No. No no no,” Nathan said. Liam couldn’t see this. It would blow Nathan’s cover and expose that Mariel had fooled around behind Mark’s back. He couldn’t let his mother be sullied.

  Nathan quickly logged onto his original missed connection post and deleted it. But the FB message remained.

  “What are you doing?” Liam was behind him moments later, jerking his laptop back. “You deactivated my Facebook account? You had no right to do that! Why would you do such a thing?”

  Nathan pulled the laptop back from him, a story forming in his head. “You don’t need to be on it. I know what you were doing on here. Stalking blondie and your ex-mate. Am I right?”

  Liam hunched his shoulders. The guilt was written on his face.

  “For a man who prefers country life, you are surprisingly addicted to social media.”

  “Am not. I like to connect with friends I don’t see very often.”

  “Two in particular.”

  Liam reached for the laptop, but Nathan snatched it back.

  “You have a beautiful night sky and lovely animals and a lovely family in the real world, right now. You don’t need the false sense of camaraderie of Facebook. I want you to go on a Facebook cleanse. If I am abstaining from alcohol, you will abstain from social media. Deal?”

  Liam gritted his teeth, but then stuck his hand out for a shake. “Deal,” he sighed.

  “Is your brother or Franny and Walt on Facebook? I don’t want them to tempt you.”

  “Mark has an account but never goes on. And Franny and Walt think I’m a dinosaur for being on there.”

  “You are.” Nathan handed back the laptop and breathed a stealth sigh of relief when Liam placed it on the table without a fight. He sat on the couch and rested his elbows on his thighs.

  “I don’t know why I keep checking their accounts,” Liam said.

  “Maybe you haven’t quite come to terms with it. How did it happen? Did you catch them en flagrante?”

  Liam shifted uncomfortably, hinting to Nathan that this would be quite a story.

  “You can tell me.” Nathan considered himself a good listener. He had learned something from all those counselors at rehab. “All you have to do is talk. I’ll just listen.”

  Liam paced in the small space of the living room. He seemed to be having quite a conversation with himself.

  “If I tell you, would you promise not to breathe a word of it to anyone, especially my family? I haven’t told a single person.”

  “Of course. The benefits of being a stranger.”

  “I also want to get your opinion,” Liam said.

  “Then stop pacing and start chatting.”

  Liam plunked down in his desk chair and leaned forward. “Kelly, Craig, and I were close for a while. We all used to work together at Weta, the special effects house. We worked on the rebooted Planet of the Apes films. When Kelly and I were dating, he never felt like a third wheel. It was great.” Liam ran his fingers through his beard, then through his hair. “One night, we were drinking, and we decided to have a threesome.”

  “And now it just got interesting. I think you need a drink.”

  “I don’t have any alcohol in the house. I got rid of it.”

  “Because of me?” Nathan found it sweet how much he cared about his sobriety. Now he couldn’t fuck things up. “How about some water?”

  Nathan poured them two cups of water. He returned to his desk chair and motioned for Liam to keep talking.

  “We figured it would be fun.” Liam shrugged. “We’re going at it, and I keep noticing Kelly and Craig getting very involved. They’re all over each other, and she’s moaning for him, and then I feel like a major third wheel. I tried to join in, but they were not into sharing the love. A few days later, Kelly broke up with me, and two days after that, she and Craig changed their status to ‘in a relationship’ on Facebook. I later discovered from other friends and through my own snooping that they’d been having an affair for close to a year. That night, they were pretty much flaunting it in my face.

  “I feel like I can’t escape it. We have mutual friends, and their pictures pop up, and Facebook keeps suggesting I friend them. I know I should block them or just get off the internet.”

  “But you can’t. We are all gluttons for punishment in some way.”

  “I think that if I block them or if I leave the site, then in some way, I’m admitting defeat. I’m admitting they won.”

  “There are no winners in relationships. You’re either trying to get in one because you don’t want to be sad and single, or trying to get out of one because you can’t stand coming home to same person.” Nathan tapped at the bottom of his glass. “I cheated on my last boyfriend.”

  “Aye.” Liam raised his eyebrows but then tried to play it cool.

  “Are you really that surprised?” Nathan said with a detached shrug. “And he was a good guy, too. I could see myself fucking up in real time, but I couldn’t stop. I’m not good at relationships.”

  “It’s hard to be when you know the other person could be lying to your face.”

  “Or they could pick up and leave at any second.”

  “Poof and gone.” Liam opened his hand like a magician revealing a magic trick.

  “Cheers to shitty relationships.” Nathan held up his glass. Liam leaned over and clinked it.

  “To shitty relationships.”

  They chugged the rest of their water. There was no liquor, but Nathan still felt drunk on something.

  “So what made you do a threesome with your male friend? Don’t straight guys prefer two girls?”

  The tips of his ears turned red. Nathan waited with anticipation.

  “I thought it would be fun, and I think…well, I’m realizing that I’m not completely straight.”

  “You’re bi?”

  Liam nodded yes. “I proposed the threesome because I wanted to have sex with Craig and Kelly. He has a good body, which I hate admitting.”

  “A bisexual sheep farmer with pubic hair. You continue to intrigue me, Liam Foster.”

  “Please don’t use any of this for your character.”

  Nathan was confused for a second before remembering he was an actor doing research. He held up his hand. “Promise.”

  Liam stood up. “Ready to go to dinner?”

  “Can you get me another glass of water? I’m still a little parched.” Nathan handed his glass over. Liam went into the kitchen.

  He was not thirsty, but the thought of Liam getting it on without another guy made him sprout major wood, and now was not the time to show off the tenting in his pants.

  Chapter 13

  Liam

  Liam had less and less to correct Nathan on. He showed up at the farm every morning on time and did his chores without too much complaint. His eyes seemed clearer and skin brighter without the fog of alcohol.

  But he still did not like cleaning up manure. “It’s built my character up enough. Can we trade off maybe?” he had asked.

  “No. I have my own share of responsibilities, too. One day, when you buy your own farm, you can hire a farmhand to manage waste collection.”

  “Stop calling it ‘managing waste collection.’ It’s shoveling shit.” Nathan quirked an eyebrow at him that sent a rush of excitement to Liam’s cock.

  He still couldn’t believe he’d told Nathan about the threesome. He hadn’t breathed a word of it to his other friends, although since they all stayed friends with Kelly and Craig, he wondered if they knew, if it was a common joke among all of them. It’d been two days since Nathan forced him to forgo Facebook. Going cold turkey was making his hands twitchy around the computer, but if Nathan could give up alcohol, he c
ould give up social media.

  Nathan was easy to talk to. And all the farm work had started to add more heft to his frame. His shirt sleeves tightened with new muscle, and his thighs thickened in his pants. Which made something thicken in Liam’s pants. Nathan bent over to shovel a glop of manure. Liam made himself avert his eyes.

  “I’m gonna go…” Liam pointed at the barn and went to check on Matilda. She was humongous, so close to lambing. She could go at any minute. It was like sitting at the top of a roller coaster, just waiting for the drop.

  He heard his phone ringing in his house and told Nathan he would be right back. He maintained one landline in his house since he couldn’t always count on cell phone service where they were. The ringing of the old telephone pierced the quietude of his home.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey there, Piglet.”

  Callum. Liam sighed. “Hey, brother.”

  His older brothers loved calling him Piglet when they were growing up, based on his small size and the stuffed animal of Piglet from Winnie the Pooh that he used to sleep with until he was nine. Like all embarrassing things from our childhoods, the name stuck. Mark stopped calling Liam that once he became a teenager, but his three older brothers, Oliver, James, and Callum, refused to stop no matter how much Liam insisted they call him by his actual name.

  “You must be getting close to lambing season.” Callum was a born salesman. He had that slick way of talking that made Liam believe there was always a deal percolating under his words.

  “Just around the corner. Any day now.”

  “Exciting. You scared? I remember last year it nearly destroyed you.”

  “I can handle it. I hired someone to help.”

  “I didn’t know you had the money for that.”

  “I do.” Liam gritted his teeth. He hated his brothers knowing his business. They never cared about his privacy. They never knocked when they all lived together, and their parents’ house didn’t have locks on the doors. Liam learned to take shits with one hand pushed against the door and masturbate with speedy efficiency. Even when their parents died, his brothers’ attitudes didn’t change, save for Mark. He was still Piglet, still tailor-made to be teased. Tragedy did not bring them closer when Liam needed them. He got the feeling that ragging on their baby brother was a constant for them, a way to deal with the pain no matter how it affected him.