The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships

by John Gottman

  JAY: That’s too bad. How about the following week, then?

  GARY: No, the following week won’t work, either.

  JAY: Well, what’s a good time for you?

  GARY: You know, I’m really swamped. How about if I give you a call when things lighten up a bit?

  JAY: Okay. That would be great. Give me a call.

  See how Jay loses power in this exchange? And Gary is made to look difficult. That wouldn’t have happened if Jay hadn’t been so determined to pin Gary down. That’s not to say you never want to try this approach. Insisting that people respond to your bid may be useful and necessary—especially in instances when you absolutely need a commitment. (“This is the third time I’ve waited for you, and you didn’t show up and you didn’t call. If you don’t show more respect for me, it’s over between us.” Or, “You’ve been promising me a raise for two years. If it doesn’t come through this time, I’m going to have to start looking for a new job.”) But such conversations are far from low-risk propositions.

  Of course, not all camouflaged bids are vague by intention. Sometimes they’re just a matter of poor communication. A husband may tell his wife, “We’ve got to plan a vacation,” when he’s actually thinking, “I want some time alone with you.” But because he doesn’t state his need in a specific way, she may think he’s talking about the family reunion in Minnesota. Or an office worker may tell her boss, “I’d like some new challenges,” when she wants to join his sales team. But because she’s not explicit, he misunderstands her interests and enrolls her in classes on database management.

  Sometimes people state their bids in such a negative way that it’s unlikely the recipient will respond at all. One husband I know often expressed how much he missed his wife during the day this way:

  HUSBAND: How was your day?

  WIFE: Hectic, as usual.

  HUSBAND: So you wouldn’t even think of calling me, would you?

  A simple adjustment, however, can turn what sounds like a complaint into a simple statement of need:

  HUSBAND: How was your day?

  WIFE: Hectic, as usual.

  HUSBAND: I missed you a lot. It would be nice to talk on the phone.

  WIFE: Just call me when you feel like that.

  HUSBAND: I know how busy you are.

  WIFE: Still, it would feel good to touch base during the day.

  HUSBAND: That’s nice. I’ll call more often.

  Bids can also be hard to decipher when the bidder doesn’t acknowledge his or her own needs for connection. When that happens, bids can get disguised as something else—usually anger or sadness. This is particularly common among children, who can sense when something’s missing from their relationships with parents, teachers, friends, and family. But, because they’re children, they don’t have enough life experience to name the problem, or enough power to fix it. Consequently, they start misbehaving in response to stresses such as changing schools, moving to a new home, or their parents’ marital problems. Temper tantrums, crying fits, belligerence, and sassiness may be bids for connection in such situations. What these children are looking for is an emotional bond with people who can help them to feel more secure amid the stress and confusion. It’s as if the children are saying, “Talk to me about what I’m feeling and thinking, please.”

  Adults may express their need for connection in the same confused way—particularly if they don’t learn to recognize and pay attention to their own emotional needs. That’s how it was for Sarah, who recently came to the Gottman Institute for therapy with her husband.

  Clearly unhappy, Sarah talked in our sessions about her longing for a peaceful, attentive relationship with Rick. But according to Rick, her behavior engendered just the opposite. During their time together, she often acted sullen and withdrawn, he said. “Then I do one little thing that she doesn’t like—like pick up a golf club or turn on the television—and she flies off the handle! She acts like I can’t do anything right—that I never do enough to please her.”

  In our sessions, we discovered that Sarah rarely feels entitled to bid for the kind of moment-by-moment attention it takes to make a marriage work. Her reluctance may be related to the way she was raised. One of seven kids in a family with an alcoholic father and too few resources, she learned that her own needs were the least of her family’s concerns. Only people with severe problems deserved any attention, if at all.

  Sarah carried these beliefs into her marriage to Rick. Instead of making the kind of ordinary bids for connection that happily married couples do, she kept her longing for affection and attention to herself. Even though she felt resentful when Rick worked overtime and came home too tired to talk, she would say nothing. When he went out with his coworkers on Friday night without inviting her, it made her even angrier. Still, she kept a lid on her feelings. She tried not to complain on the weekends when he went to the driving range, turned on the baseball game, or sat down at the computer. But every few weeks, after she had amassed enough pain, she would finally let it blow.

  “How much of this am I supposed to take?” she’d yell. Righteously indignant, she’d run down her entire list of grievances from the past few weeks—all the times she’d felt slighted, all the times that Rick had shut her out.

  Overwhelmed by her sudden barrage, Rick would simply retreat. Sometimes he’d leave the apartment. But if that wasn’t possible, he’d just go to another room, turn on the television, or put on a headset—anything to escape the storm. Of course, Rick’s withdrawal would further infuriate Sarah, making her feel more justified than ever.

  As we talked about these interactions in therapy, Sarah’s intent was clear to all of us. She wanted to feel closer to her husband. But the way she was bidding for that connection made it impossible to achieve. So our goal in therapy became twofold: One was to help Sarah understand that she didn’t need to stockpile her complaints before making a bid for connection. She could simply and gently talk to Rick about her needs as they occurred to her. The second goal was to help Rick see the longing behind Sarah’s anger. In this way he could view her anger as a bid for connection with him. Unacceptably expressed? Yes. Unpleasant? Certainly. But it was a bid, nevertheless. And once he recognized her anger as such, he was more willing to work with her, to help her to learn more loving and effective ways to express her longing.

  That’s how it is once you begin to recognize the many idiosyncratic ways that people can make and respond to bids for connection. If you can see past a person’s anger, sadness, or fear to recognize the hidden need, you open up new possibilities for relationship. You’re able to see your coworker’s sullen silence as a bid for inclusion in decisions that affect his job, for example. Or you can recognize that your sister’s agitation says she’s feeling alienated from the family. You can even see the bid in your three-year-old’s temper tantrum: He not only wants the toy you can’t buy for him, he wants your comfort in a frustrating situation, as well.

  To summarize, there are lots of reasons for fuzzy bidding. These include:

  • Making ambiguous bids on purpose to avoid vulnerability or emotional risk

  • Unintentionally poor communication, such as using inexplicit language

  • Framing bids in negative ways that are hard for others to hear or accept

  • Failing to acknowledge your needs in the first place

  Does this mean that to read one another’s bids, we have to read one another’s minds? Obviously not. That’s impossible. Nor does it mean that we have to tolerate abusive expressions of rage or frustration just because they can be interpreted as bids for connection. But our research shows that a little understanding can go a long way toward uncovering the bids for connection that often lie beneath people’s masks of anger, sadness, or fear. And once a bid is recognized, we can start the work that brings people together—the work of turning toward.

  As we’ve discussed, people typically make one of three choices in response to a bid for connection. They can:

  1. Turn t
oward the bid:

  BID: How was your vacation?

  RESPONSE: It was all right. The slopes at Sun Mountain are magnificent, but the ski conditions were lousy. Have you ever been there?

  2. Turn away from it:

  BID: How was your vacation?

  RESPONSE: Have you got any messages for me?

  3. Turn against it:

  BID: How was your vacation?

  RESPONSE: As if you really cared.

  The table below shows the many variations of each type of turning behavior. In the next several pages we’ll take a closer look at each type of response, how to recognize it, and how it affects your relationships.

  Choosing to Turn Toward Bids for Connection

  The scope of turning-toward behavior is broad. It can include the following:

  • Nearly passive responses, such as a one- or two-word comment, or a mild shift in behavior with no verbal response. The person responding may not stop what he or she is doing to interact with you, but at least you know that you’ve been heard.

  PARENT: How was school today, honey?

  CHILD: Okay.

  Sometimes there’s no verbal response at all, but only a gesture.

  FRIEND A: I can’t believe it’s raining again!

  FRIEND B: (Shakes head in disgust.)

  • Low-energy responses, involving a few words or a question to clarify the bid.

  WORKER A: They loved my presentation in Chicago.

  WORKER B: That’s good.

  HUSBAND: Do you think I look okay in this outfit?

  WIFE: Sure.

  FRIEND A: What are you doing Saturday?

  FRIEND B: This Saturday?

  • Attentive responses, often involving opinions, thoughts, and feelings.

  SISTER A: Look what I found on sale.

  SISTER B: That’s nice. It’s just the right color for you.

  Attentive responses are often validating.

  WIFE: What an awful day I had. The phones never stopped.

  HUSBAND: That must have been hard. You look exhausted.

  These responses can be funny.

  CHILD: Will you make me a sandwich?

  DAD: Poof! You’re a sandwich!

  They can include pointed questions.

  BROTHER A: I saw Dr. Rogers this afternoon.

  BROTHER B: Did you find out the results of your tests?

  They may involve action as well.

  CHILD: Good night, Daddy.

  DAD: (A kiss on the forehead, while tucking in covers.) “Good night, cowboy.”

  WIFE: My back itches!

  HUSBAND: (Scratches bidder’s back.)

  If the bidder tells a joke, an attentive respondent will laugh, or at least smile, even if the joke isn’t that funny. The respondent isn’t interested in judging the bidder’s talent as a standup comic; he or she simply wants to express pleasure with the bidder’s effort.

  • High-energy responses, involving full attention with good eye contact. High-energy responses are usually enthusiastic.

  FRIEND A: Donna and I are getting married next fall.

  FRIEND B: That’s great news! Congratulations! I’m so happy for you!

  They often involve humor, kidding, or affection.

  MOTHER: Hi, there. It’s your mother.

  SON: Mother? Mother who?

  WORKER A: This guy walks into a bar…

  WORKER B: (Anticipatory smile, delighted at the very idea of another “guy walks into a bar” joke.)

  Or they may involve sincere empathy.

  FRIEND A: I’ll never understand how that guy could have fired me.

  FRIEND B: It was totally unfair. You’re such a terrific accountant. I think he must have felt threatened by you.

  High-energy responses often involve broad physical gestures like big hugs, ceremonious kisses, enthusiastic handshakes, or mock sparring. If the bidder tells a joke, an enthusiastic respondent laughs heartily. In fact, the respondent may appear ready to laugh as soon as the joke-telling begins.

  Of all the three possible responses to bids, turning toward has the most positive results. It tells the bidder:

  • I hear you.

  • I’m interested in you.

  • I understand you (or would like to).

  • I’m on your side.

  • I’d like to help you (whether I can or not).

  • I’d like to be with you (whether I can or not).

  • I accept you (even if I don’t accept all your behavior).

  When you turn toward a bid, it helps the bidder to feel good about himself or herself, and about the interaction you’re having. Consequently the bidder welcomes more interaction, typically leading to more bids and more positive responses from both sides.

  I like to compare such exchanges to an improvised jazz duet. Neither musician knows exactly where the piece is going, but they get their cues by tuning in to one another. One musician’s set of notes is a bid that stimulates musical ideas in the other musician. On his own, neither could create the magic that happens as a result of their collaboration. The music they create together takes on a life of its own, born of their positive, willing interaction.

  Turning toward leads to the growth and development of healthy partnerships in all kinds of relationships. Children who habitually turn toward their playmates form friendships more easily. Siblings who turn toward one another early on are more likely to stay close for life. Coworkers find it easier to collaborate on projects. Married couples and other pairs have fewer conflicts.

  Turning toward leads to fewer conflicts, because the partners in a relationship are having the conversations they need to have—the conversations where they demonstrate their interest and concern for each other. With such high levels of interest expressed, there’s simply less static in the air. People see evidence that their friends, coworkers, and loved ones are there for them and care for them. They have fewer problems to fight about.

  Our research into the emotional lives of families shows that parents who have fewer conflicts create better environments for their children. Kids from such families are likely to be more attentive and do better in school than kids whose families don’t have these habits. They’re more apt to soothe themselves when upset, get along better with other children, and have fewer bouts of colds and flu.

  A study of young-adult siblings, conducted in our labs by Joann Wu Shortt, showed that brothers and sisters who turn toward one another in conversation are more likely to maintain close, supportive, satisfying relationships.

  Studies like these conducted in the workplace show that coworkers who consistently turn toward one another form more productive work teams, with higher morale.

  We saw many delightful examples of couples turning toward one another in the marriage lab. Sometimes the bids were quite playful. One husband bopped his wife gently with a rolled-up newspaper, saying, “I’ve been meaning to do that all day.” She reciprocated by rolling up her own paper bat and chasing him playfully around the couch. Another wife charmed her husband by copying a particularly silly gesture he made during dinner. The man had picked up an artichoke leaf, bit off the edible part of it, and then slammed the remnant down on the table. “I’m drinking shots,” he said playfully. Without any prodding, his wife picked up a leaf and did the same thing, eliciting a broad smile from her husband. Then he took another turn, acting as if he’d been challenged. “Slap ’em down!” he said. She followed suit, saying, “Chew ’em up! Slap ’em down! Rawhide!” And the two ceremoniously continued to eat the entire artichoke this way. The game they had invented was totally original, spontaneous, and fun.

  As stated earlier, such playfulness is extremely good for relationships. What does it require? A willingness to turn toward another’s sense of silliness, give oneself over to the moment, and have a little bit of fun.

  While baking cookies, your ten-year-old reaches for a canister of flour from the top shelf and accidentally spills it, covering himself and much of the kitchen in a cloud of white stu
ff. Delighted at his own snowmanlike appearance, he starts to laugh. Now you’ve got a choice. You can express irritation at the mess or you can turn toward his silliness and share the laugh.

  You and a coworker are discussing a serious work-related problem when she realizes that, without meaning to, she’s just made a truly funny pun. This seems like no time for frivolity, and yet she appears to be having a pretty good time. You can stop working for a moment and laugh with her. Or you can forge seriously ahead, focusing exclusively on the problem at hand.

  Making the second choice—that is, turning toward one another’s sense of humor in everyday situations—bolsters your relationships while making life together a lot more fun.

  One husband in our studies appeared to have just the opposite inclination, but he surprised me. He was an engineer with a very staid, serious personality. But he adored his wife and would go to extreme lengths to tickle her funny bone. In fact, he once trained his pet beagle to sit on its haunches and duck its head so that it looked just like the Peanuts cartoon dog, Snoopy, posed on top of his doghouse as a vulture. Then, one Sunday morning, before his wife came down for breakfast, the man propped the dog on top of the refrigerator, crawled up there with him, and, clad only in his underwear, struck a similar pose. When his wife entered the kitchen and saw her beloved and his dog hovering near the ceiling like buzzards, she literally fell on the floor laughing. That, in my opinion, was the ultimate in playful bids. Not all playful bids have to be this elaborate, of course. But the more you can tap in to each other’s sense of humor and joy, the stronger your relationship becomes.

  Of course, not all bids for connection are so good-natured and playful. As we stated earlier, people sometimes camouflage their bids in expressions of anger, fear, and sadness. Rather than invitations to play, these bids are more likely to come in the form of a complaint, criticism, or lament. Such negative bids are hard even to recognize, much less respond to. And once you recognize them, you’ve got to muster the patience, creativity, and trust it takes to turn toward the bidder with a helpful response.