by John Gottman
If you scored below –10, you feel that your current life overstimulates your Nest-Builder system. Your current life pushes you to be more of a Nest-Builder than you want to be.
Exercise: Your Emotional Command System Score Card
To download a PDF of the following exercise, click here.
After completing the Emotional Command System questionnaires, you may want to spend some time considering the implications this information holds for your life, your relationships, and the way you bid for connection. This exercise is designed to help you do that.
In the chart that follows, circle the word in the second column that describes your scores on the Comfort Level tests in each of the seven areas. This will help you to see at a glance how much (or little) you like to have each of the seven command systems activated in your life.
If you completed the questionnaires with another person (or if you imagined doing so), circle the word in the third column that describes how that person scored. In this way you can compare your comfort levels with those of your partner.
Finally, you can circle “yes” or “no” in the last column according to how you scored on the questionnaires that determined whether or not your current life is in sync with each of your emotional command systems. This may help you identify areas where you’d like to make changes in your life.
As you consider the information on this chart, you may also gain insights by answering the questions below. You may want to discuss your answers with someone close to you or write down your answers in your Emotion Log (see this page).
Questions to consider:
• Which of your emotional command systems would you like to use more in your life?
• What changes would you need to make for this to happen?
• Which of your emotional command systems would you like to use less in your life?
• What changes would you need to make for this to happen?
• How are you different from others around you, in terms of the way you each use your emotional command systems? How are you the same?
• How might the recognition of these differences and similarities help your relationships?
• How do your differences or similarities affect the way you bid for connection with this person? How do they affect your responses? What changes could you make to improve this process?
Putting Your Knowledge to Work
When I first learned about the concept of emotional command systems, I was excited for many reasons. Mostly, I was intrigued at how the concept might help people to use their emotional energy to achieve positive life goals. Too often, people feel angry, sad, or fearful, and they’re not sure why. But when you understand your own emotional command systems, you have a direction in which to take your negative emotions. For example, rather than simply saying, “I feel angry,” you can say, “I feel angry because I can’t seem to control my own work schedule. I need to activate my Commander-in-Chief to get more control and power in my life.” Or, “I feel a sense of fear in life. Why is that? How can I activate my Sentry and make myself feel safer?” From this perspective you can plan to make changes that will help you feel more at ease within the various command systems. You can also take steps to bolster the emotional connections with people in a broad range of relationships. By doing so, you can enhance your feelings of well-being and improve your life.
Let me give you an example from my own life. In 1999, Neil Jacobson, a close friend and collaborator of mine, died suddenly of a heart attack. The months following his death were very difficult for many of us, and I found myself feeling depressed much of the time. Neil had been one of my oldest and dearest colleagues, and once he was gone, there were no other men in my life at the university with whom I felt so close.
When I thought about this sadness in terms of the Nest-Builder—the system that organizes our emotions around affiliation and friendship—I could see that my emotional life without Neil was clearly underactivated. No wonder I felt so sad for so long. And while I know there’s no way that I can possibly replace what I had with Neil in my life, I could see that, to move through my sadness, I needed closer ties with other male friends in my community. With this insight, I knew what to do with my sadness. I was able to develop a plan of action to start working through my grief.
Accepting Ourselves and Others
Knowing that our brains are wired in various and highly individualized ways allows us to be more compassionate and tolerant toward ourselves and others. It helps us to build better relationships through understanding and accepting our differences.
There’s a scene in Woody Allen’s classic comedy Annie Hall that illustrates this challenge beautifully. Annie and her boyfriend, Alvie, are each talking to their therapists in separate frames. The therapists simultaneously ask how often the couple has sex.
“Hardly ever,” Alvie complains. “Three times a week.”
“All the time,” whines Annie. “Three times a week.”
The scene draws big laughs because it speaks to one of the most universally difficult aspects of close relationships: how to reconcile our distinct preferences about matters such as sex, adventure, power, and friendship. All those issues are regulated by our emotional command systems. They are also the issues over which we must come together in order to connect emotionally. So, if we want to form solid, emotionally satisfying relationships with others, we must learn to manage these differences. We must learn to compromise. Understanding emotional command systems gives us a framework to do just that.
Let me give you another example from my own life. My wife, Julie, loves to travel to exotic places, to experience new challenges, to try new things. In the language of emotional command systems, I’d say that Julie has a highly activated Explorer. I, on the other hand, have an Explorer system that’s more conservative. I like to travel, but I’d rather visit cultural exhibits or ancient ruins. I don’t enjoy the kind of experiential adventure travel that my wife likes.
Last year Julie organized a group of women to climb to the top of Nepal’s Kala Patar, which is the base camp for ascents of Mount Everest. The group took three weeks to hike about seventy-five miles, reaching an altitude of 18,500 feet. It was a rugged hike, for which Julie trained for over a year.
At first I didn’t want her to go. In fact, you could say the whole event aroused my Sentry system to the extreme. I was afraid that she might be robbed or ambushed or killed. I feared that she would develop pulmonary edema and have to be taken down the mountain in a stretcher by helicopter. I knew better than to read Into Thin Air, Jon Krakauer’s memoir of the 1996 Everest disaster, until after Julie’s trip. It would just fuel all the catastrophic fantasies I was keeping to myself.
In the end, however, I knew that I had to set all my fears aside. Why? Because I know how active the Explorer is in Julie. In fact, it’s one of the things I love best about her. And I know that for her to feel happy and fulfilled, she’s got to experience that sense of discovery and adventure in her life. Without it, she grows restless and grumpy. With it, she is energized, excited, and exciting to be around.
At the same time, Julie knows how much quieter the Explorer is in me, so she doesn’t expect me to go along on adventures like this. We joke about our differences. I say the IMAX film about Everest was about as much as I can take. I tell her I’d be willing to accompany her if she could just get me good room service during the trek. But she and I both know that the altitude alone would be too physically challenging for me. We both recognize that I’m better off at home, comfortably working with my highly activated Nest-Builder.
Still, it wasn’t easy to say good-bye to Julie the day she left. Nor was it always easy to keep my worries and grumbling in check while she was gone. I figured it was a major accomplishment that I didn’t whine even once during her satellite phone calls home every few days. No, I planned to save my whining until she got home.
But once she returned and shared with me the photos of her trek, I knew that my struggle to acce
pt her wanderlust was worthwhile. There’s one image in particular that I love. She’s sitting at the top of Kala Patar, above Mount Everest base camp, with Everest in the background, and she’s wearing the most blissful smile I’ve ever seen. That picture is absolutely priceless to me! It makes me feel proud that we have the kind of marriage that encourages Julie to have adventures like this. And I’m happy that our differences are a source of pride for us, rather than resentment.
Expect Mismatches and Work with Them
Whether we like it or not, life is filled with opportunities either to celebrate or bemoan our differences with other people. Conflicts can arise from our contrasting comfort levels within any of the seven emotional command systems.
One brother has a highly activated Jester system, for example, and he’s willing to go to just about any lengths to get a laugh. The other brother isn’t so driven toward humor and playfulness. Imagine what might happen at a dinner party where the Jester brother keeps cracking jokes at the expense of the non-Jester brother’s new girlfriend.
Conflicts can also come up between two people who are driven in the same direction within an operating system. Picture what transpires when the boss and her assistant both have a highly activated Commander-in-Chief. If there’s no one in the partnership who’s willing to follow, they’ve got problems.
In addition, clashes can arise when people are operating from totally different, highly activated systems that are at odds with one another. Think back to the reunion of friends that I described at the beginning of this chapter. Can you imagine the conflicts that are likely to arise as they pursue activities together during their great wilderness adventure? Just picture them gathered around that kerosene lamp on their first evening as they plan their activities together.
“Hey, look at the description I found of this great hike,” says Merrill (the Explorer), as she hands the trail guide to Katie (the Energy Czar). “The view from the top is supposed to be magnificent. And tomorrow’s weather is going to be crystal clear. What do you say?”
“Whoa!” says Katie. “This says the trail climbs five thousand feet in six miles! I don’t know if we’re up for that. Besides, I thought we were getting together this week to relax.”
“Well, five thousand feet might be a challenge for some of you, but I think it’s doable,” says Christopher (the Commander-in-Chief). “There is a problem, however. I already booked a river-rafting trip for tomorrow. We’re supposed to meet the outfitter at the landing at seven A.M.”
“River rafting?” says Carlos (the Sentry), surprised. “Who said anything about river rafting?”
“I just assumed you’d want to do it,” Christopher replies. “I mean, you don’t come to this terrain in early July without spending some time on the river.”
“Chris is right,” says Peter (the Jester). “I hear it’s a blast. I’ve always wanted to do it.”
“Okay, but he should have checked with us first,” says Merrill. “The weather’s going to be perfect for this hike tomorrow. Can’t we do the river trip later?”
“I already gave them a nonrefundable deposit,” Chris responds.
“Well, thanks for the heads-up!” says Merrill, as Carlos shakes his head in disgust.
“Let’s not argue about it, okay, you guys?” says Shelby (the Nest-Builder). “We’re only going to be together for a few days. We should try to get along, don’t you think?”
“I want to know about the wet suits,” says Katie (the Energy Czar). “Do they have them, or are we just going to freeze to death?”
“They have wet suits,” Christopher says, “and I ordered one for each of us.”
“How did you know our sizes?” asks Katie.
“I just eyeballed it,” says Christopher.
“I’ll bet you did,” says Darrin (the Sensualist). “I just want to know who gets to sit next to Merrill…”
And so it goes.
Do any of these conflicts sound familiar to you? If so, take heart. Once you begin to understand the source of your clashes with other people—that you’re each using the brain’s emotional command systems differently—you’re in a better position to adjust your bidding processes accordingly.
Bidding Across Emotional Command Systems
The following examples show how you can use your knowledge of emotional command systems to connect better with others. Below are several bids for connection between two people who are relying on differing emotional command systems. First you’ll read a scenario where the connection fails because neither person acknowledges the differences that are causing a conflict. Then you’ll read a second scenario that shows how the connection can succeed if the pair acknowledges their differences and makes room for compromise. As you’ll see, sometimes it’s the bidder who makes the difference; sometimes it’s the respondent. Either way, the bid succeeds and the relationship is enhanced when people realize they’re approaching the issue from different perspectives and they need to find some middle ground.
Commander-in-Chief vs. Explorer
Failed connection
STUDENT (Explorer): I know I’m supposed to write a report about what we learned on our field trip. But I’d like to try something different with this assignment.
TEACHER (Commander-in-Chief): That’s not a good idea. Just follow the instructions I gave you.
(Student leaves. End of exchange.)
Successful connection
STUDENT (Explorer): I know I’m supposed to write a report about what we learned on our field trip. But I’d like to try something different with this assignment.
TEACHER (Commander-in-Chief): It sounds like you’re the kind of person who likes to try creative new approaches. And I’m kind of a stickler for the tried and true. But I might give you extra credit for doing something different. Tell me what you have in mind.
(Conversation continues.)
Commander-in-Chief vs. Jester
Failed connection
EMPLOYEE A (Jester): So this guy walks into a bar—
EMPLOYEE B (Commander-in-Chief): Can we get back to the agenda?
(Staff proceeds to discuss the budget.)
Successful connection
EMPLOYEE A (Jester): So this guy walks into a bar—
EMPLOYEE B (Commander-in-Chief, smiling and pointing to her watch): This better be good—and it better be quick, because we’ve got to get back to the agenda.
(Employee A tells the joke quickly. Staff laughs, then proceeds to talk about the budget.)
Commander-’in-Chief vs. Energy Czar
Failed connection
MOM (Energy Czar): Aren’t you going to have breakfast?
DAUGHTER (Commander-in-Chief): No, I’m not. And why is everybody always trying to make me look fat?
(Mom frowns and daughter leaves.)
Successful connection
MOM (Energy Czar): Aren’t you going to have breakfast?
DAUGHTER (Commander-in-Chief): No, I’m not. And why is everybody always trying to make me look fat?
MOM: I’m just concerned that you’ll be hungry, and you want to be in charge of what you eat. Here’s a dollar in case you want to buy a snack at the break.
(Daughter accepts the dollar and leaves.)
Commander-in-Chief vs. Sentry
Failed connection
WIFE (Sentry): I’m worried about your gun. What if one of the grandkids gets hold of it? I think you should just get rid of it.
HUSBAND (Commander-in-Chief): I can’t believe you’re caving in to that government propaganda. We can’t let them tell us what to do.
(End of exchange.)
Successful connection
WIFE (Sentry): I’m worried about your gun. What if one of the grandkids gets hold of it? I think you should just get rid of it.
HUSBAND (Commander-in-Chief): I can’t believe you’re caving in to that government propaganda. We can’t let them tell us what to do.
WIFE: I understand that you’re worried about government control. And I’m worri
ed about the kids. Let’s go down to the gun shop and see what kind of trigger locks or lockboxes they recommend.
(Husband agrees.)
Commander-in-Chief vs. Nest-Builder
Failed connection
EMPLOYEE (Nest-Builder): I’d like to do some team-building exercises at our staff retreat.
BOSS (Commander-in-Chief): Those things can get out of control. Let’s just focus on the training material.
(End of exchange.)
Successful connection
EMPLOYEE (Nest-Builder): I’d like to do some team-building exercises at our staff retreat.
BOSS (Commander-in-Chief): Those things can get out of control. Let’s just focus on the training material.
EMPLOYEE: It sounds like you have some pretty defined ideas about the retreat agenda. But maybe we could do some team building in other ways—like having some regular, after-hours social event so people can relax and get to know one another better.
BOSS: That’s a great idea.
(Employee and boss plan some social events.)
Commander-In-Chief vs. Sensualist
Failed connection
LOVER A (Sensualist): Why can’t you just relax? My philosophy is “If it feels good, do it.”
LOVER B (Commander-in-Chief): It’s not that easy. I just can’t let go like that.
(Exchange ends.)
Successful connection
LOVER A (Sensualist): Why can’t you just relax? My philosophy is “If it feels good, do it.”
LOVER B (Commander-in-Chief): It’s not that easy. I just can’t let go like that.
LOVER A: Sounds like you want to take things at your own pace and I’ve been rushing it. That’s okay. You don’t need to let go. In fact, you take the lead. You tell me what you want and I’ll follow.
