by John Gottman
(Exchange continues.)
Explorer vs. Jester
Failed connection
SPOUSE A (Explorer): I found some stuff on the Web for our trip to Hawaii. There are some really great places to backpack on Kauai. It’s really remote!
SPOUSE B (Jester): Backpacking! No way! When I agreed to go to Hawaii, I was thinking fancy hotels, luaus, the nightlife in Waikiki!
SPOUSE A: That does it! We’re taking separate vacations.
(End of exchange.)
Successful connection
SPOUSE A (Explorer): I found some stuff on the Web for our trip to Hawaii. There are some really great places to backpack on Kauai. It’s so remote!
SPOUSE B (Jester): Well, this is a familiar story. You’re looking for the great outdoor adventure, and I just want to kick back. Let’s see what kind of resorts they’ve got on Kauai. Then maybe we can do a little of both.
(Collaborative Web search continues.)
Explorer vs. Sensualist
Failed connection
FRIEND A (Explorer, studying a class catalog): Let’s sign up for the women’s kayaking workshop during spring break. I’ve heard it’s really challenging.
FRIEND B (Sensualist): Women’s kayaking? How are we going to meet guys that way? Now, here’s one…salsa dancing.
FRIEND A: I’m not interested in salsa dancing. Forget it.
(Exchange ends.)
Successful connection
FRIEND A (Explorer): Let’s sign up for the women’s kayaking workshop during spring break. I’ve heard it’s really challenging.
FRIEND B (Sensualist): Women’s kayaking? How are we going to meet guys that way? Now here’s one…salsa dancing.
FRIEND A: Look, I’m interested in outdoor adventure and you’re interested in men. Wow…here’s one. Coed rock-climbing…
(The two friends register for the workshop.)
Explorer vs. Energy Czar
Failed connection
CHILD (Energy Czar): Look! There’s McDonald’s! Can we eat?
DAD (Explorer): Eat? We’ll never get to the Grand Canyon if we stop at every McDonald’s!
(Exchange ends, and then picks up again in five minutes.)
Successful connection
CHILD (Energy Czar): Look! There’s McDonald’s! Can we eat?
DAD (Explorer): Okay. You’re hungry, and I want to get to the Grand Canyon. So let’s get gas, stock up on food, and use the bathroom now. Then maybe we won’t have to stop again until we get to Arizona.
(Dad steers toward freeway exit.)
Explorer vs. Sentry
Failed connection
FRIEND A (Explorer): Wow! Look at those waves! Let’s go rent some boogie boards!
FRIEND B (Sentry): I don’t think so. I’ve heard the current on this beach is really treacherous.
FRIEND A: Don’t be such a chicken.
FRIEND B: I’m not a chicken. I’d just rather sunbathe.
(Friends go their separate ways.)
Successful connection
FRIEND A (Explorer): Wow! Look at those waves! Let’s go rent some boogie boards!
FRIEND B (Sentry): You’re so gung-ho. But I’m a little more cautious. I’ve also heard the current on this beach is really treacherous. How about if we go down to that other beach where’s there’s a lifeguard on duty?
(Friend A agrees and they’re off together.)
Explorer vs. Nest-Builder
Failed connection
HUSBAND (Explorer): This is fantastic! The bureau chief called. They’re sending me to get footage of the hostage crisis.
WIFE (Nest-Builder): Oh, great. What if you’re not back in time for your son’s graduation?
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you don’t understand.
WIFE: And I can’t believe that you don’t.
(Exchange ends.)
Successful connection
HUSBAND (Explorer): This is fantastic! The bureau chief called. They’re sending me to get footage of the hostage crisis.
WIFE (Nest-Builder): Oh, great. What if you’re not back in time for your son’s graduation?
HUSBAND: I know that we don’t see eye-to-eye on this. I need to do this because this chance might not come again. You think it’s more important for me to be here with Justin. But I think Justin will be able to see it from my point of view, and I think he’ll be proud of me. I’ll talk to him. I’ll make sure he knows why I feel I have to go.
WIFE: Well, maybe you’re right. You talk to him.
(The exchange continues.)
Sensualist vs. Energy Czar
Failed connection
LOVER A (Sensualist): Why not?
LOVER B (Energy Czar): Because it’s almost midnight, I’ve got to get up at five A.M., and I’m exhausted! Besides, I think Tyler is still awake.
(Lover A rolls over, angry. Lover B is hurt.)
Successful connection
LOVER A (Sensualist): Why not?
LOVER B (Energy Czar): Because it’s almost midnight, I’ve got to get up at five A.M., and I’m exhausted! Besides, I think Tyler is still awake.
LOVER A: You’re tired. I want you. But it’s okay. I’ll just think of Saturday afternoon when Tyler’s away at soccer practice. It’ll be so good.
LOVER B: That’s sweet. I’ll think of it, too.
(Lovers fall asleep…or maybe not.)
Sensualist vs. Jester
Failed connection
LOVER A (Jester): Why are you mad?
LOVER B (Sensualist): I wanted you to think it was sexy. I didn’t want you to laugh.
(Lover B, embarrassed and angry, leaves.)
Successful connection
LOVER A (Jester): Why are you mad?
LOVER B (Sensualist): I wanted you to think it was sexy. I didn’t want you to laugh.
LOVER A: Wait. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to laugh. I’m just a clown and we see things differently sometimes. But I really do think you’re sexy. Will you forgive me? Come here. Let me hold you.
(Exchange continues.)
Sensualist vs. Sentry
Failed connection
LOVER A (Sentry): Wait! Stop! I’ve got to get the condom!
LOVER B (Sensualist): Oh, jeez, do we have to?
LOVER A: Look, if it’s too much trouble for you, I’m not interested.
(Exchange ends.)
Successful connection
LOVER A (Sentry): Wait! Stop! I’ve got to get the condom!
LOVER B (Sensualist): Oh, jeez, do we have to?
LOVER A: Yep. I’m more careful than you, but don’t worry. I’ve got lots of ways to keep it interesting.
Sensualist vs. Nest-Builder
Failed connection
SPOUSE A (Sensualist): We need to get away for the weekend—just you and me.
SPOUSE B (Nest-Builder): That would be great. But I don’t think the baby’s old enough to stay with a sitter that long.
(Exchange ends.)
Successful connection
SPOUSE A (Sensualist): We need to get away for the weekend—just you and me.
SPOUSE B (Nest-Builder): That would be great. But I don’t think the baby’s old enough to stay with a sitter that long.
SPOUSE A: I know you’re worried about the baby. But I need some time alone with you. Let’s see if your mom would fly up for the weekend. We could spring for the ticket.
(Spouse B agrees.)
Energy Czar vs. Jester
Failed connection
FRIEND A (Jester): I know! Let’s stay up all night watching Star Wars videos.
FRIEND B (Energy Czar): You’re nuts! We’d be too tired to work on our Darth Vader costumes for the party tomorrow.
(Exchange ends, with Friend A hurt, and Friend B feeling kind of bad.)
Successful connection
FRIEND A (Jester): I know! Let’s stay up all night watching Star Wars videos.
FRIEND B (Energy Czar): Wow! You’re the most extreme Star Wars fan I know. That’s what I like about you
. But I’m afraid we’d be too tired to work on our Darth Vader costumes for the party tomorrow. And I know you want to do that, too.
FRIEND A: You’re right. Let’s just watch The Empire Strikes Back tonight and the rest on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. It will be a Star Wars festival!”
(Friends head for the VCR.)
Energy Czar vs. Sentry
Failed connection
ROOMMATE A (Energy Czar): I’ll never get enough sleep if you leave that night-light on!
ROOMMATE B (Sentry): But I’ve always had a night-light. I don’t like the dark.
(Exchange ends in a stalemate.)
Successful connection
ROOMMATE A (Energy Czar): I know you feel safer with the light on, but I can’t fall asleep with light in my eyes. And I really need my sleep. How about if I get you my flashlight? You can keep it under your pillow. Then if you hear something or get scared, you can turn it on.
ROOMMATE B (Sentry): Okay. I’ll try it.
Energy Czar vs. Nest-Builder
Failed connection
CHILD (Nest-Builder): I’m the only kid in the class who brings milk. Why can’t I have pop like everybody else?
MOTHER (Energy Czar): Because you can’t get by on sugar water, that’s why.
(Exchange ends.)
Successful connection
CHILD (Nest-Builder): I’m the only kid in the class who brings milk. Why can’t I have pop like everybody else?
MOTHER (Energy Czar): I know it’s hard to be the only one who does something different. But I really care about your nutrition, and pop is nothing but sugar water. We could try a compromise, though. Something like orange juice?
CHILD: Okay.
(Exchange ends happily.)
Jester vs. Sentry
Failed connection
FRIEND A (Jester): When we go to the Pearl Jam concert, we’re heading straight for the mosh pit.
FRIEND B (Sentry): Are you crazy? People have gotten trampled to death in there!
FRIEND A: You’re such a wimp.
(Exchange ends on a sour note.)
Successful connection
FRIEND A (Jester): When we go to the Pearl Jam concert, we’re heading straight for the mosh pit.
FRIEND B (Sentry): Are you crazy? People have gotten trampled to death in there!
FRIEND A: Well, we’re kind of different, you and me. I’m willing to take that risk because I love the experience. And you’re not.
FRIEND B: That’s right. Tell you what—I’ll meet you at the bar after the concert and you can tell me all about it.
FRIEND A: Cool.
(Exchange ends on a friendly note.)
Jester vs. Nest-Builder
Failed connection
EMPLOYEE A (Nest-Builder): I can’t believe you told that joke in front of the board members. What if you offended somebody?
EMPLOYEE B (Jester): Oh, relax! People laughed, didn’t they? That’s what matters.
(Exchange ends on an uncomfortable note.)
Successful connection
EMPLOYEE A (Nest-Builder): I can’t believe you told that joke in front of the board members. What if you offended somebody?
EMPLOYEE B (Jester): Oh, relax! People laughed, didn’t they? That’s what matters.
EMPLOYEE A: Of course they laughed. You’ve got such a wild sense of humor! But I guess it’s just the way I’m wired—I’m always worried about whether something might hurt somebody’s feelings. Do you think it would be all right if I checked in with a few key people to see if any apologies are needed?
EMPLOYEE B: Sure, if that will make you feel better, go ahead.
(Exchange ends on a peaceful note.)
Nest-Builder vs. Sentry
Failed connection
SIBLING A (Nest-Builder): I think we should invite Marvin for Christmas dinner. He’s made some mistakes, but he’s family. And he says he quit drinking. We ought to give him another chance.
SIBLING B (Sentry): No way. I’ve already given him plenty of chances. I’m not going to take the risk again.
(Exchange ends.)
Successful connection
SIBLING A (Nest-Builder): I think we should invite Marvin for Christmas dinner. He’s made some mistakes, but he’s family. And he says he quit drinking. We ought to give him another chance.
SIBLING B (Sentry): No way. I’ve already given him plenty of chances. I’m not going to take the risk again.
SIBLING A: Well, after all that’s happened, I can understand why you feel that way. Still, I feel the need to reach out to him. Let me try this. I’ll go visit Marvin a few times between now and Christmas. We’ve got a few weeks. I’ll see how he’s doing and I’ll let you know. I just want you to keep an open mind.
SIBLING B: Well, you can try it if you want to. But I’m not making any promises.
SIBLING A: Okay.
(Exchange ends on a hopeful note.)
Still More Connections
As the preceding examples show, bidding and making connections despite our differences isn’t always easy. Emotional command systems are, after all, hardwired into the anatomy of the brain. That means we do indeed get our hearts and minds “set” on having things a certain way.
Still, connection is possible—especially when we acknowledge those differences, accept them, and build them into the bidding process. This results in more stable relationships based on common respect for one another’s emotional needs.
Acknowledging differences in emotional command systems isn’t the whole story, however. How you bid and respond to bids also depends, in large part, on past emotional experience. That’s the focus of the next chapter.
Part of my research on relationships involves asking people about their past experiences with emotions. How, for example, did your parents let you know that you were loved?
“My father always kept his distance,” one woman told me. “Even on his deathbed. When he was dying, I said, ‘Dad, you never told me that you loved me. And now that it’s almost over, that’s the one thing I wish that I could hear.’ But do you know what he said? ‘If you don’t know by now, you never will.’
“And then he died. I walked out of that hospital room and I was so angry. He was gone forever, and all I could feel toward him was anger.”
When I asked her how this event had influenced her life from that moment forward, she was clear: “I tell my kids every day that I love them,” she said. “And I tell my husband that, too. No matter what’s going on, I always find a way to do it.”
I tell this story because it illustrates the power that our emotional heritage has on our current relationships. By “emotional heritage,” I mean the way we were treated in the past, and the way such treatment made us feel. It includes the way the people close to us acted when they were angry, sad, happy, or fearful—what they said, what they didn’t say.
In this chapter you’ll read about several aspects of your emotional heritage, evaluating how they affect your current relationships. These elements include emotional history—that is, the lessons you learned about feelings as a child. You’ll also look into your family’s emotional philosophy, or what your family felt and believed about the expression of emotion. And, finally, you’ll explore your enduring vulnerabilities—events or relationships so painful that they continue to be a strong influence on you for the rest of your life.
Your emotional heritage has a strong impact on your ability to connect emotionally. It affects your awareness of your own emotions, how you express them, and how you bid for connection. It also colors your ability to see, interpret, and respond to other people’s bids.
Just imagine being close friends with the woman in the story above. How important do you think it would be to let her know that you appreciate her? Obviously, her past experience with her father makes the explicit expression of affection very valuable to her. And the better that people around her understand this, the stronger their emotional connection to her will be.
As we learned in prev
ious chapters, individual people often feel and react differently in similar situations. Their emotional heritage is one factor that contributes to those differences. And unless we’re aware of those differences, they can interfere with our ability to connect.
We can begin by imagining arriving at work one morning to find this message from your boss: “Please see me at nine A.M. Something has come up that we need to discuss.”
What would be your first reaction? Fear? Excitement? Anger? Amusement? Your answer probably depends on many things—your job performance, for example. Or the ways you’ve seen your boss handle crises in the past. But it’s also likely to be affected by your emotional heritage—that is, by the way your personal history influences your current way of dealing with emotional situations.
If you’re like Jim, for example, you might feel stunned and anxious. Jim was raised by a harsh father whose behavior was hard to predict. One day the man would be totally supportive, heaping praise on him for all the chores he had done around the house. But the next day he’d berate and punish Jim for the smallest infraction—the muddy shoes he’d left by the back door, or the pile of leaves he’d raked but forgotten to bag. Consequently, Jim spent much of his childhood feeling as if something bad could happen at any minute and there was nothing he could do about it. Those feelings carried over into adulthood, and whenever something unexpected happened at work, Jim’s first response was fear and defensiveness. What had he done wrong this time? How was he going to be made to pay?
Lisa, on the other hand, would respond to the boss’s message as the jolt of energy she’d been craving. The oldest of five kids in a family with a high sense of adventure, Lisa loved an emergency. “You’re always so responsible,” she’d been told throughout childhood. Whether she was rescuing a sibling from some mishap, or organizing the gang for a camping trip, she heard the same message over and over: “We know we can depend on you.” So whenever a crisis arose at work, she intrinsically believed it could be one more chance to feel good about herself. If the boss needed to meet with her right away, she guessed it was for good reason: He probably needed to brief her about a problem only she could handle.
