The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships

by John Gottman

  It may take courage to broach such issues. But once people start talking about their dreams, they often discover the meaning in one another’s positions, which can lead to compromise and stability in all kinds of relationships.

  Listening to Dreams

  Michael and Leslie were a young military couple whose individual dreams were not easy to detect. When I first met them, they were very unhappy with their marriage. They were also at odds over whether to sell their house. But what most concerned me was how detached from each other they seemed to be emotionally—a clear sign that their relationship was in trouble.

  At first they talked a lot about their bills and their belongings. Married just a few years, they had accumulated a new house, two new cars, a boat, a jet ski, a living room full of furniture, and a mountain of debt. Now they were preparing for a tough transition—Michael’s discharge from the army. Their plan was to move to a new state and start new careers. But how would they finance it all? Michael’s proposal was to sell the house and use their equity to pay their bills and buy a travel trailer. Then they could live in the trailer until they got resettled and out of debt, he said. But Leslie thought this was a terrible plan.

  By the time the couple came to me, both were digging in their heels. But they had not explored the dreams that supported their entrenched positions. So I asked them, “What does this idea of selling the house and buying the travel trailer symbolize for you? Beyond the dollars-and-cents issue of whether it’s a wise investment, what does it say to you about the way your life is going, how you’re feeling about yourself as an individual, or as part of a couple?”

  To Michael the answers seemed straightforward: The move would be a way for him finally to get control of the family’s financial matters after their period of undisciplined spending. “Whatever we do, we’ve got to pay off the bills,” he said with authority. I told him it sounded as if he felt the decision was part of what it meant to take charge as a husband and potential father, and he agreed. It might take some temporary sacrifice, but he believed that, in time, he could achieve his dream of financial security and get the couple’s finances back on an even keel.

  The matter wasn’t so simple for Leslie. Having been raised in poverty, she saw the move from house to travel trailer as a giant step backward. “My biggest fear is that once we get into that lifestyle, we won’t get out of it,” she said. Michael tried to reassure her that he didn’t foresee them living in a trailer for long. But Leslie was not to be consoled. Although she said she wanted to be a “good wife” and support Michael’s decision, she suspected it was unwise. Then she started comparing the situation to an event two years earlier—the time he sold her sports car.

  “That car was probably the most important thing in the world to me because I had been dirt poor,” Leslie said, full of emotion. She turned to Michael and explained, “That was how I measured my success at getting out of the projects [public housing]. Then you sold it and you put me in a family car. I took that as a personal attack. And I took that as your way of controlling me.”

  “I didn’t mean it as a personal attack,” Michael responded. But he couldn’t deny that control was his motive. “I wanted someone who would stay here forever…but you kept talking about how you can just dump a relationship without blinking an eye, how you always saved yourself an out. I was trying to eliminate those outs.”

  “You would have kept me regardless,” Leslie insisted.

  “Sometimes I’m not sure,” said Michael. “Sometimes I look back at the car…It was a symbol of your freedom and how you could keep away from me.”

  Suddenly it was clear that the couple’s most pressing problem had little to do with real estate or car deals. Rather, they needed to talk more deeply about Leslie’s dreams of freedom, Michael’s dreams of interdependence, and the conflict between those dreams. It wouldn’t matter what kind of house they lived in; until they could find a way to honor one another’s visions of the future, they were not going to be happy in their marriage. In addition, it was clear that they needed to get better at expressing their feelings, so it wouldn’t take two full years before one could say to the other, “I took that as a personal attack.”

  Michael and Leslie talked about these issues often over the next few years. The last time I heard from them, they were still together, reporting high satisfaction in their marriage, and expecting their first child.

  Trust the Process and Offer Support

  This strategy of discussing dreams when you encounter conflict does not come easily to many people. Perhaps that’s because we’re taught to stick to a narrow field of absolute facts when faced with opposition. If you believe there’s got to be a winner and a loser in every conflict, then you try to make your argument as objective and highly accurate as possible; otherwise you’ll be proven wrong. We lose a lot with this narrow approach—namely our ability to find shared meaning and connect emotionally. But once we broaden the landscape of our discussion to include dreams and hopes, we can see where our visions merge. We can find room for compromise.

  Keep in mind that talking about your life dreams and what they mean to you requires some degree of trust. Such discussions can bring up issues so important and deeply felt that you feel exposed or vulnerable. But as with many high-risk propositions, there’s also potential for high gain. So if you’re willing to take the chance, talking about your dreams can be the bid that leads to stronger emotional connections with the people in your life who matter most.

  Remember also that you can honor other people’s dreams in many different ways. You can show your support and respect, whether or not you choose to participate in the dream—or even accept it. There’s a broad range of alternatives. You can do any of the following things:

  • Ask questions about the dream. One of my favorites is “What’s the story behind that?” Usually dreams have a history and a narrative within them.

  • Offer empathy. It can be helpful simply to say, “I may not agree with you on this, but I can understand why this seems important to you.” Or, “Knowing you as I do, I can see why you feel this way.”

  • Offer emotional support and validation. You might say, “I’m proud of you for feeling so strongly about this matter,” or “I may not be able to do this with you, but I’m behind you 100 percent.”

  • Participate in another’s dream at a limited level, such as reading about the issue, helping to make plans, or offering advice.

  • Offer some level of financial support or other resources, such as child care or transportation.

  • Join in the dream on a trial basis.

  • Join in the dream entirely, making it part of your own vision.

  Below are a few more examples of the way that talking about dreams can reduce conflict, bringing about compromise and better relationships.

  Example 1

  The conflict. Bob and Jill are siblings whose father has cancer. Recently informed that their dad may only live for another few months, Bob proposes that he and Jill sit down with their father and discuss end-of-life decisions. Bob wants to talk with their dad about his estate, funeral plans, and how he feels about artificial life support. But Jill resists. “Dad doesn’t want to talk about these things with his kids,” Jill says. “He wants to protect us from the pain of dealing with his death.”

  Their dreams. Bob explains that he wants to look back on Dad’s last days as a time of clarity and peace for everybody involved. He anticipates the family may face some tough decisions, and he believes they can approach them more calmly if they all understand Dad’s wishes beforehand.

  Jill says that her dream is to spare Dad as much pain as possible. But as she talks, she realizes that, barring miracles, she probably can’t have her true dream, which would be to make his illness go away. In lieu of this, she would at least like to make their discussions as comfortable for Dad as they can. She figures there are counselors who might help.

  The compromise. Jill agrees to join Bob in discussions with Dad, but only
after they consult with a hospice counselor for advice.

  Example 2

  The conflict. Russ, a deeply religious man, has raised his son, Jason, to be a member of his liberal Catholic congregation. Once Jason reaches his junior year of high school, however, the boy seems increasingly drawn to more conservative thought, and starts attending Wednesday-night youth activities at a fundamentalist Protestant church. Now Jason wants Russ’s permission to go on a monthlong summer missionary tour to inner-city neighborhoods with the fundamentalist group. Russ is opposed to the idea because he’s afraid the experience will cause Jason to turn his back on his family and the Catholic Church. But Russ insists it’s something he must do.

  Their dreams. Russ hopes that the family’s Catholic church will be a compass and a comfort for Jason whenever he faces hard decisions or difficult times. He also dreams that the family’s church and its leaders will be an inspiration for Jason, helping him to become a compassionate, open-minded adult.

  When Jason talks about his dreams, he says he envisions himself following God’s “calling”—to bring God’s compassion and forgiveness to people in need, to help “save” them from the sins of the world.

  The compromise. Russ agrees to let Jason go on the mission, asking that he keep two parts of his father’s dream in mind: to be compassionate, and to stay open to new ideas. He also insists that Jason continue to attend Sunday services at the Catholic church after he returns. Jason agrees to all of this, and leaves on his mission.

  Example 3

  The conflict. Melinda and Debbie are two medical assistants who work full-time in a clinic. Both are mothers of small children, both love their jobs, and both want to work fewer hours. Why not job-share, they decide. So they take their proposal to Miles, the clinic manager, who says it won’t work. Why not? Because the clinic would have to employ a third medical assistant instead of just two. The wages might be comparable, but the administrative costs would be higher.

  Their dreams. Melinda and Debbie talk to Miles about their dream of a balanced life. They describe what it would be like to have enough time to really be there for their children during the week. They imagine arriving at the clinic feeling calm, rested, and better prepared to listen to patients and their concerns.

  Balance is Miles’s concern, as well. That’s the sign of a solid administrator, he believes—somebody who knows how to balance the needs of patients, employees, doctors, and management.

  Melinda, Debbie, and Miles all talk about their dream of working in an amicable place—a clinic where people care about one another’s mental health as much as their economic well-being.

  The compromise. Miles agrees to take another look at the actual costs involved. “Maybe we can juggle the numbers in some way to make it work for everybody,” he says. Melinda and Debbie say they’re willing to renegotiate their benefits if necessary to make it work.

  Below is an exercise designed to help you talk about your dreams around a conflict and reach a place of compromise.

  Exercise: Identifying the Dreams in Your Conflicts

  Here’s an exercise you may want to try when you’re having a conflict with someone close to you. The goal is to identify the dreams within your conflict and to determine how you can turn toward one another’s dreams. If, after doing this exercise, you find that you still can’t compromise, look at the next exercise, Ending Gridlock, on this page.

  These exercises are designed to be done with the person with whom you’re having conflict. But you can also do them on your own, using your Emotion Log and imagining how the other person might respond. Then, when the time is right, you can have a less formal conversation with this person about his or her dreams and the role they may play in your dispute. If that person will listen, talk about your dreams as well. Remember to put your primary focus on the dream and not on the conflict. You may want to tell the other person a story that illustrates what your dream means to you. You can ask the person with whom you’re having conflict to do the same.

  1. Working together, identify the problem that’s causing ongoing conflict. Take five minutes to consider silently what life-dreams might be connected to your position in this conflict. They may be current dreams, or past dreams that have faded. Here are some possibilities:

  • Having a sense of freedom

  • Experiencing peace

  • Feeling close to nature

  • Having a sense of power

  • Exploring who I am

  • Experiencing adventure

  • Experiencing beauty

  • Taking a spiritual journey

  • Experiencing justice

  • Having a sense of honor

  • Integrating my current life with my past

  • Experiencing healing

  • Knowing my family

  • Becoming all I can be

  • Aging gracefully

  • Exploring a creative side of myself

  • Feeling competent

  • Feeling truly loved

  • Getting over past injuries

  • Asking God for forgiveness

  • Exploring an old part of myself that seems lost

  • Getting over a personal obstacle

  • Having a sense of order

  • Being productive

  • Having the time and place to “just be”

  • Being able to truly relax

  • Reflecting on my life

  • Getting my priorities in order

  • Finishing something important

  • Exploring the physical side of myself

  • Being able to compete and win

  • Experiencing travel

  • Having solitude

  • Achieving atonement

  • Building something important

  • Ending a chapter in my life

  • Saying good-bye to something

  • Having what I need

  Two examples of dreams within conflict:

  A couple disagrees about how to live in retirement. She wants to sell the house, buy a travel trailer, and hit the road because it’s always been her dream to “just travel.” He wants to stay home and turn his garage into a ceramics studio because it’s always been his dream to “explore the creative side of myself.”

  A pair of business partners disagree over whether to expand the company. The one who wants to expand sees his dream as a chance “to build something important.” The one who wants to keep the company smaller has the dream of “being able to truly relax.”

  2. Take turns talking about your conflict and how it relates to one or more of your life-dreams. Each person should talk for about twenty minutes while the other listens. Then switch roles.

  When you’re speaking: Remember that your goal is to clarify your dream and to be understood. Don’t try to solve your main conflict as you talk. Just talk honestly about your dreams that are related to the conflict. Don’t censor yourself, or downplay your description to please the person listening or to avoid resistance. Instead, talk as you would if you were talking to one of your best friends.

  When you’re listening: Remember that your goal is simply to understand the other person’s dream. Don’t try to solve the main conflict as you listen. And don’t spend time thinking up counterpoints or rebuttals to what you’re hearing. Just encourage the speaker to fully explore his or her dreams. Ask questions for clarification and to express interest. Try to suspend judgment. Listen as you would to a dear friend.

  Here are some questions for the speaker to consider:

  • What are your life-dreams related to this issue?

  • What do you believe about this conflict and its relationship to this dream?

  • What do you want?

  • What do you need?

  • What are all your feelings about our choices here?

  • What is the meaning of this issue for you?

  • What is the meaning of the decisions you’re facing?

  • What is the meaning of the posi
tion you’re taking?

  • Is there a story behind your dream? What is that story? Where does the story come from in your life?

  • What does this issue symbolize to you?

  • How do you think your goals related to this issue can be accomplished?

  • Do you believe there are hidden dreams for you within this issue? What are those hidden dreams?

  3. After each of you has fully expressed your dream within the conflict, you should each consider the following questions:

  • Can you turn toward the other person’s dream?

  • Are there aspects of the other person’s dream that you fear might come true?

  • If you can’t turn toward the other person’s dream, can you at least support part of it?

  Now take ten minutes each to answer the three questions above. As before, designate one person to speak and one person to listen. Then switch roles. As you discuss these questions, remember:

  • Don’t give up your own dream for the sake of peace between the two of you.

  • State what you really want.

  • If you feel your partner’s dream will affect you in a way you can’t accept, say so.

  If you and your partner find that you’re not moving any closer to a compromise, consider trying the next exercise. It’s designed to move people from gridlocked conflict into dialogue.

  Exercise: Ending Gridlock

  When two people find that they just can’t compromise no matter what, it’s often because their conflict involves issues that are much deeper than they initially recognize. Such conflicts often entail issues for one or both people that are central to the way they think about themselves. But as I explained earlier, the tougher the conflict is to solve, the greater is the potential for increased closeness in a relationship.

  The key to unlocking that potential may be to approach the problem using small, temporary compromises. This gives each party a chance to “try on” the other person’s point of view—an exercise that often leads to incremental advances in understanding. In addition, each party gets a chance to see the other honor his or her own dream within the conflict, a move that begins to loosen the gridlock. Below are the specific steps to follow when working with another person. Again, you may do the exercise alone, writing about the issue in your Emotion Log, imagining the other’s response, and then incorporating your insights into a more informal discussion with the other person.