Things We Lost

by Shae Banks

  “You thought I’d—”

  I didn’t like the look in his eyes. “No. Not you. I know you wouldn’t care if I flipped burgers. I did through uni, actually,” he said with a wry smile. “Best job I ever had.”

  “I didn’t mean to… I’m just trying to protect myself. I don’t have anyone else, Jase. I have to look out for myself. Trusting people ends… Well, experience taught me it ends badly.”

  He watched me, but stayed where he was. I wasn’t sure what to do. Seconds before I’d been leaving. Seconds before I wanted to leave, but that had changed. Right then I wanted to go to him, to tell him it was all right. That it wasn’t his fault. The sadness and guilt etched on his face was enough to reduce me to tears again. “You can trust me.”

  I shook my head. “It’s not that simple. I… I can’t explain. Not now.” I glanced back at the door. “Not here. I shouldn’t have come.”

  His eyes hardened, as he stated, “I disagree.” My eyes were drawn to the hand he held out to me. “Don’t leave.”

  I looked back at the door. I absolutely should go.

  If I stayed, he’d kiss me. If he kissed me, I’d be lost.

  I took a step toward him. He was all I’d really wanted since the day he left me.

  Another step. Then one more.

  Before I had chance to talk myself out the door I was in his arms. One hand cradled the back of my head, the other took my waist and pulled me close, his face buried in my neck. I closed my eyes as he took a deep breath.

  “You won’t regret it, I promise.”

  I took his shoulders and pushed him back, holding him away from me. “Don’t make promises. You can’t keep them.”

  His eyes lit up. There was hint of the Jason I used to know in that defiant grin, the younger, cockier Jase who didn’t give a shit who he was talking to. He knew what he wanted and knew how to get it. “Watch me.”

  I’d have laughed if he hadn’t kissed me. But it wasn’t just a kiss. There was so much said in the way his lips moved against mine than he could have expressed verbally. I’d heard all of it before, but this time, it felt different. He really thought we had a chance. I could tell in the way he touched me. How he closed his eyes to kiss me. He believed it wholeheartedly. I didn’t have the courage to believe it myself, but there was a flicker of excitement in my stomach as he backed me toward the bed.

  “I promise I won’t ever do anything to hurt you again. Never intentionally,” he murmured as his kisses left my mouth and moved to my neck. He sucked gently on my pulse point, and a rush of euphoria trickled down my spine. Instinctively I arched into him, and his hand slid up my shirt, fingers pressing into the soft flesh of my waist.

  His mouth was tracing my collarbone, one hand moving from my waist up my back, and the other brushing my jawline, as he whispered, “I just want to make you happy. I want you to feel the way I do when I’m with you.”

  I wasn’t sure what I was feeling right then, but it was as close to happy as I could probably get. “Jase… I… I want to try… I do, I’m just… I’m scared…”

  He pulled away, his eyes searching mine. “You don’t need to be. Not of me. You want me to stop, I’ll stop. You want me to go, I’ll go. Whatever makes you happy, Nathalie. All I care about is that. You. I’m just asking for a chance.”

  I kissed him. I kissed him the way he deserved to be kissed, and he reciprocated with more enthusiasm than I could have imagined. He unbuttoned my shirt as his tongue danced with mine, igniting something in me I believed was long dead. When I was free of my shirt, he unhooked my bra, and let it slide to the ground before he moved his mouth toward my chest. He kissed straight down between my breasts and dropped to his knees to remove my leggings. And that was when I wrapped my arms around myself and froze.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Turn the light off.”

  He looked up at me, and I shook my head. It was a stupid request. It was still daylight, and the curtains were open. “Please.”

  “What don’t you want me to see?”

  “I… nothing. I just prefer the light off.”

  He sat back on his heels, looking up at me, and then reached out a hand. His finger traced a line over the black fabric covering my waist. “I felt them last night. A few scars won’t scare me off.”

  He didn’t know how bad it looked. Feeling and seeing were two very different experiences. I couldn’t look at them, and I’d lived with them for seven and a half years. I swallowed hard and dropped my arms to my sides, watching him kneel back up and kiss my tummy. That was a problem, too. I hadn’t managed to lose the weight I’d gained. I hadn’t realized I was so conscious of it until that moment.

  His fingers were beneath the band of my leggings. “I want all of you. The scars. The nerves. The smiles.” As he slid them down my waist, I closed my eyes and held my breath, waiting for his reaction to the deep purple lines that mapped my lower abdomen and hips. Some were inches long, others were small, circular markers of where the pins had been placed to fuse my pelvis back together. The breath was released with a small sob of relief as he kissed the length of a scar that ran from my belly button down.

  I was trembling, and he reached up for my hands before pushing up to his full height and kissing me softly. “Just let me love you, Nat,” he murmured, lowering me onto the bed. He followed, tugging his shirt over his head and tossing it somewhere, before reaching for my legs. He kissed all the way down my right leg as he removed my leggings, then all the way back up and over my hip. “Please?”

  He was holding out a hand. I took it, letting him lead me to sit astride him. He was still dressed from the waist down, his jeans rough between my legs, and I raised up slightly to avoid the feel of them rubbing. His hands had found my breasts as I dipped my head to kiss him, looping my arms around his neck. “I think I can do that.”

  Chapter Nine

  Waking up in his arms for the second time in as many days felt incredible. It felt right. He was right. As I pulled myself out of the fog of sleep, I felt optimistic and happy. We could make it work. The distance thing wouldn’t be too difficult, we both had jobs. We both had lives that were separate from each other. If anything, the distance would stop us from making too many mistakes.

  I kissed his cheek and shuffled out of bed, reaching for my shirt and shrugging it on before he woke up. He’d seen it all the night before, but that didn’t mean I was happy to bare my body again. I didn’t want to have to discuss it on an empty stomach before work.

  “I didn’t expect you to run out on me the second time around.”

  I shook my head and smiled, fastening the last of the buttons. “I’m not running. I’m making sure you don’t make me late for work again.”

  He pulled me back, laying me on the bed, and lowered his face over mine. He was upside down and grinning. “I could get you a day off.”

  “Don’t even joke about it. No. I have to get to work,” I said, struggling to sit up.

  He held my shoulders and kissed me before letting me up. I was slipping on my leggings when he said, “I have to go back down to Cambridge today. The soonest I can get back up for the weekend is in two weeks.”

  I wasn’t sure how to respond to that. Part of me wanted to suggest he stay one more night, but the rest of me needed some time to get my head around everything. The distance was good. Judging by what he’d said the night before, he wasn’t planning to leave and never come back. That meant I had to get used to him calling, messaging, and arranging visits. I hadn’t had anything like that for years. I wasn’t sure how to handle a relationship of any kind after my marriage had ended so horribly. “But you’ll call?”

  “Every day. I’ll book back in here for the weekend before I leave. I’ll be here by the time you get off work.”

  I nodded, getting up from the bed. “Can we leave early? I don’t want anyone seeing you drop me off at the office, and I need to run home to get changed.”

  He cupped the back of his neck with his hand and looked
at me for a moment, studying my face. “Yeah. No problem. Give me five minutes to get changed, and we’ll go. Okay?”

  I nodded and smiled, watching him get out of bed, feeling my pulse race at the sight of the erection he was sporting.

  “You’re sure you don’t want to stay longer?” he asked with a cheeky wink.

  I shook my head, swallowing. “No.”

  “Not sure?”

  “No. So get dressed.”

  He chuckled as he went into the bathroom, and I finished getting dressed, feeling happier than I had in years.

  He pulled out of my street slowly. My neighbors were never very good at conscientious parking and it was like a slalom getting out of here. I smirked at him as he cursed under his breath, trying not to scratch his ridiculous car. I was not looking forward to the questions coming my way when my neighbors got a chance to speak to me.

  “I wanted to ask you something,” he said when we were on the main road through town. It was busy with commuter traffic, but he seemed happy to crawl along and talk to me. The change in his manner didn’t escape me, it was the same as when we were having coffee and he dropped all his awkwardness and became all business like.

  “Yeah?”

  “We’ve had sex three times, Nat, and it’s—”

  “I won’t be getting pregnant if that’s what you’re worried about. I’m very well protected,” I snapped. I probably shouldn’t have, but I was shocked at the casual way he approached the subject of us being intimate, and it was a reflex. Softening my tone, I added, “I do appreciate you using condoms though. Safety and all that.”

  “That wasn’t what I was going to ask you,” he said as soon as I stopped talking. “I wondered if there was a reason you didn’t orgasm. I assumed nerves, but…”

  I looked away, staring at the road ahead. Of all the things to be asked, this was never something I would have expected. Mostly because no one had ever given a shit before, but also because it wasn’t something I thought about. Ever. “What sort of a question is that?”

  “A serious one. If I’m doing something wrong, I want to know about it and fix it.”

  I hadn’t been expecting that. Shame colored my cheeks as I muttered, “It doesn’t matter.”

  He pulled into the car park outside the office, and I ground my teeth. I wanted to get out of the car, to avoid the rest of the conversation, but I couldn’t bring myself to open the door. Once I stepped out, that was it for two weeks. The way the conversation was going this could be it, full stop.

  He turned in his seat to look directly at me and reached for my hand. “Of course, it matters. There’s no point if you don’t get off. I want you to… Well, I want you to get the same things I do from this. That means fully enjoying each other’s company in and out of bed. When did you last have one? I remember the last you had with me, and that was a very long time ago.”

  I didn’t know what to say. I looked at him and lifted my chin, about to snap an answer when he gave me a meaningful look and added, “During sex.”

  I shrugged and looked away, cheeks still aflame.

  “I can wait. I know you know how long it’s been.”

  “A couple of months after I got married,” I said quietly. “Around eleven years ago.”

  His eyes hardened, but he didn’t say anything.

  “What? Expected it to have been more recent? We didn’t all go on to have perfect lives after you took off, Jason. The rest of us were dealt some shitty cards.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “Nothing. I should go.” I reached for the door handle.

  “No, you shouldn’t. You should stay where you are and talk to me.”

  I swallowed, trying to get rid of the lump forming in my throat, and shook my head. “I can’t. Please, Jase.”

  “You can, Nat. If we’re going to stand a chance we must communicate. Running didn’t get us anywhere before.”

  That was rich. “You were the one running.”

  He dropped my hand and turned to face the steering wheel, gripping it with both hands. “I shouldn’t have. It was the biggest mistake I ever made, Nat, believe me. I’ve paid for it. Fuck, you’ve paid for it. But I can’t make up for it if you won’t talk to me.”

  Tears welled in my eyes. “You can’t make up for it. We can’t just go back, we’ve both changed too much. But this, you thinking you know… I can’t.”

  “What happened to you?” I could hear the pain in his voice. The desperation of needing to know, of wanting to make things right, but not being equipped.

  I wasn’t sure he could. Nothing could make it right. I was kidding myself. I couldn’t have a normal relationship any more than I could relax enough to have a fucking orgasm. Not with him or anyone else. I’d tried and failed before.

  “Why can’t you let me in?”

  “Because…” I was close to saying it, but I diverted at the last second, “I’m damaged. You don’t need it. You don’t need me. You have everything, Jase. I’m not—”

  “Don’t.” He turned to face me again. “Do not say that.”

  I squeezed my eyes shut. It was true. It always had been. It was why he ran off without a word. It was why everything I touched had fallen apart. I wasn’t good enough. “It always turns to shit, Jase. Believe me, I’ve watched it happen over and over. I’m not good for you.”

  He didn’t stop me from leaving. I got out of his car and walked to the office with my bottom lip clamped between my teeth. It wasn’t until I reached the entrance to the building that his car door slammed, and he ran after me.

  I stood perfectly still as he stopped behind me, a little out of breath.

  “Talk to me.”

  I shook my head. I could feel the warmth of his body behind mine, and I was desperate to turn and bury my face in his chest. For him to hold me and for me to feel safe.

  “Please. Don’t walk away. Come back, let’s… Nat, all I want to do is make things right.”

  I closed my eyes and let the tears fall. If I went back, I had to give him something. I wasn’t sure he wanted to hear the truth. I certainly didn’t want to go through telling him. But I didn’t want to walk away from him. Not really. The last couple of days had been the happiest I’d been in years. Because of him. I was able to be myself and not fear the person I was spending my time with. He made me happy.

  “I don’t want to talk. Not yet. I will tell you why I’m like this, but I need to think about it.”

  I had a choice. Stay or go. Staying meant talking. I wasn’t ready.

  He stepped forward, his chest pressing against my back, and his breath was hot on the shell of my ear. “Whatever you need,” he whispered. “Anything, just don’t push me away. I can’t… I want this. I want you. I want it to work this time.”

  I looked at our distorted reflection in the blackout glass door and brushed away my tears. “Me too. But I need to go.”

  He sighed, and kissed my cheek. Apparently, that gesture was his acceptance. I reached out and pushed open the door, stepping away from him.

  My phone was going off before I reached my desk. There was no one around, but I could hear Tony in his office. I went straight to the kitchen to make coffee for myself and Tony. I opened the message as I waited for the kettle to boil.

  I just want you to be happy.

  I typed out a reply but didn’t send it until I was at my desk.

  I’m trying to be. I’ll call you tomorrow. I promise.

  Chapter Ten

  I needed to let off some steam. That meant a work out. Haylie met me at the gym once I promised her news on the whole Jase development, and we started the session with her glaring at me, expecting instant gratification. I didn’t oblige until we stopped for a rest.

  “You fucked him, didn’t you?”

  “Nice. Yes, I slept with him.”

  “His place or yours?”

  “His hotel. Sunday and last night. Twice last night…”

  Despite being a sweating, panting mess, she was grinning
at me.

  “What?”

  “When are you seeing him again?”

  “A week from Friday. He can’t get back up before then, he runs the Cambridge office and is back and forth a lot.”

  “He what?”

  I pressed my lips together, trying to hide the smile. It was ridiculous however I said it, and I knew how she was about to react. “Apparently, the L on the company name stands for Locksley…”

  She started cackling, drawing the attention of a few of the other women in the group. I lowered my voice to a harsh whisper. “Will you shush?”

  “He’s your fucking boss, and you didn’t know? Oh, this is fucking priceless. Didn’t you check?”

  “All right, calm down,” I muttered, putting my water bottle down and picking up my bell. “No, I didn’t. He left this area years ago, I didn’t think he’d be back, not after his mum moved south. Anyway, the individual names aren’t listed anywhere, everything comes addressed to So and So at LGW Solutions. I’d have worked it out eventually, but to be honest, my head’s been up my arse since he turned up a few weeks ago.”

  She was still chuckling and shaking her head. “Only you, Nat. So, you’re an item now?”

  I frowned. “I wouldn’t go that far…”

  She knew what that meant. “What happened?”

  I swallowed hard. “We had words this morning before he left. He said something, I snapped—well you know how I react sometimes—and walked away. I said I’d call him tomorrow. After a day to think on it, I’m not sure I can be bothered with the stress to be honest.”

  “Words about…” Her eyes widened as she waited for me to elaborate.

  I rolled my eyes and glanced around before mouthing sex.

  “Oh, god. What happened? Did you fart? I mean, it happens. I let out a massive fanny fart once. Nearly died laughing.”

  I glared at her in mute horror for a second before I managed to hiss, “What’s fucking wrong with you? No! He wanted me to explain something I wasn’t comfortable discussing. Not yet, I hardly know him.”