Radiant Joy Brilliant Love

by Clinton Callahan

  MAP OF FOUR KINDS OF LISTENING

  1) NORMAL NEUROTIC LISTENING

  2) ADULT LISTENING

  Eye contact.

  Open posture.

  Repeat back.

  Ask questions.

  Try to understand.

  3) POSSIBILITY LISTENING

  Become the space

  into which

  they can say

  anything.

  Now you can

  listen to more

  than you can understand.

  4) DISCOVERY LISTENING

  Creative listening to single out and follow a specific quality. Useful for navigating space.

  Possibility listening is not to be used indiscriminately. In particular, it does not mean that you become a doormat for complaints or a garbage can for emotional catharsis. Possibility listening is a powerful experience both for the listener and for the speaker. For example, listeners often report experiencing an unexpectedly intense compassion for the speaker and empathy with their feelings and desires. Tremendous elegance and respect can be created in relationship through possibility listening. We are so accustomed to fighting in order to be heard that many people need practice-time to learn how to speak into and make use of such a profound listening space.

  When you make the gesture of possibility listening, you can detect if the speaker hesitates. Rather than making your speaker uncomfortable, you might try doing possibility listening for short five-second bursts between streams of adult listening. On the other hand, one manager told me that he used possibility listening for six hours straight with a client who was ready to fire him and he instead came away with two additional jobs. Given a possibility-listening space to speak into, people often report that they say things out loud that they have never dared to say before; things they did not even know were in them. What they say becomes more clear and solid for them while speaking it; plans and visions become more real. Possibility listening is a precious and astonishing service to provide.

  4) Discovery Listening is a consciously directed “listening for” where you pay specific attention to hearing certain signals that align to an intention you have in mind, as you mostly ignore the rest. In ordinary human relationship we use discovery listening unconsciously as “having a chip on your shoulder,” “having an attitude,” or “having a one track mind.” We listen only to hear what will “push our buttons,” make us angry, make the job impossible, make us feel excluded from the group, make us miserable, make us depressed, make us superior, make us offended and permit us to get revenge, and so on. We might also habitually use “listening for” to push “positive” but equally mechanical buttons that trigger false emotional happiness in us, such as listening for people who also graduated from Yale, for people who also collect coins, or for people who also love Hawaii. Discovery listening consciously directs your “listening for” to detect and amplify a particular quality in the speaker the same way a miner sifts through sand to find flakes of pure gold. For example, you might use discovery listening to listen for a person’s commitment, meaning to tune your listening so as to detect what really matters to that person. The moment you detect their commitment you can “commit to their commitment,” thereby strengthening your relationship bond with them. With discovery listening you could also listen for significance, meaning that you scan for what triggers a physical reaction in the person’s nervous system the same way a galvanic skin response (GSR) “lie detector” responds to a certain physical reaction. For example, when you are suggesting what to have for dinner or where to go on holiday or which dress to wear, the person’s whole body will react when you have made the right suggestion. Or, when listening to children (or adults) about their day and you know that something is wrong but they have not shared it, you use discovery listening to hone in on what is bothering them and causing the feeling they have but are not expressing. Discovery listening is thus a useful parenting or healing tool.

  You can use discovery listening for navigating space with individuals or groups – for example, to listen for love so as to detect if a person loves you or not; to listen for possibility to detect if a group considers your offer to be possible or not; to listen for agreement or disagreement; to listen for understanding or the lack of it; or to listen for dignity and respect. Listening for dignity and respect is a creative way to only hear and notice those qualities about a person that make them noble. If you only hear and see what is noble, intelligent and beautiful about a person and ignore the rest soon they will start to notice those same things about themselves. (See Section 14-A, The Nine Cow Story.)

  These four kinds of listening have unique applications and should be used appropriately when they are needed. As, for example, with hand tools, it is possible to separate a piece of wood into two parts with a hammer, and it is possible to pound in a nail with a saw, but using the right tool for the right job proves to be far more rewarding.

  A few years ago I was with about twenty people who had the opportunity to attend a private dinner party with a venerated spiritual teacher. It was proposed that after dinner we get a chance to ask this teacher questions, a rare opportunity. On this occasion the teacher said yes. While the summer sky faded into dusk we carefully seated ourselves around his feet on an outdoor patio. I planted myself in the center of the group, directly in front of the teacher. I grounded myself, found my center, went into the open-body posture that characterizes possibility listening, and placed my attention on my attention, trying to be as present as I could. As the group settled into silence he said, “Are there any questions?” My hand shot up unwaveringly before I had a chance to think about it. Out of my mouth came an open question, one that reflected great personal need but no personal agenda, one that could receive an unlimited amount of information. I said, “Could you tell us about your lineage and your teacher?” Then I shifted into being a space.

  At first, the teacher tested the connection to determine what level of current I could handle. His eyes bored into my soul with an unwavering intensity for several long moments. There was absolute stillness and silence. When he saw that my intention remained solid and that I was not resisting, he went straight to full power. It was like having all filters removed and being directly exposed to the sun’s maximum radiation; only instead of light and heat, what poured out of his heart was pure love for his teacher and his path. It felt like a constant bolt of lightening, 10,000 volts roaring through my body.

  I tried to keep breathing, and every few seconds I “cleaned out” my listening space so it was fresh again for him to continue speaking into. Forty-five minutes went by before he stopped. I hardly understood a word he said. I was counting on the others to understand and remember. My job was to be the listening into which he could speak for as long as he wanted. I intended the listening to be without obstruction, and to be unfillable. Even though it was years ago, people who attended that talk still remember it today as extraordinary. The teacher shared with such vulnerability, tenderness and candor. Only with possibility listening was I was able to serve the teacher and the group by making optimal use of an occasion that could have easily been sidetracked and minimalized through the reduced listening of the intellect. In such an opportunity, this is what I would wish for you.

  Listening in Four Bodies

  In Section 5-A we mapped out four distinct aspects of the human body: physical, intellectual, emotional and energetic. Now that you have some new clarity and possibilities about listening, it can be useful and interesting to distinguish, in each communication being made, which of the four bodies is speaking.

  Start by sensing which of your own four bodies wants to say something. Imagine that you are using an internal stethoscope, just like a doctor. Probe and listen for where your communication urge is coming from. Which of your four bodies wants to express itself? Physical? Intellectual? Emotional? Energetic? When you can sense what kind of urge is moving you to communicate, you will easily be able to sense which of another person’s four bodies wants to
speak to you. The four bodies each have their own unique urges for communication.

  MAP OF DETECTING MESSAGES

  Which body is talking to you? Body? Mind? Heart? Or Soul? After you know this then you know what language to respond in – the language of actions, ideas, feelings, or aspirations. You can detect which body is speaking to you with your internal scanner.

  Four Urges to Communicate

  • The physical body communicates needs.

  • The intellectual body communicates either objective ideas or subjective opinions.

  • The emotional body communicates feelings.

  • The energetic body communicates imaginings, dreams, wishes, visions or wants.

  Each urge to communicate has a different experiential quality. Your internal stethoscope can amplify the intensity of your experience so you can sense the experience clearly.

  The urge to communicate reflects an imbalance, i.e., an excess or a lack. Communicating from an excess attempts to relieve a pressure. Communicating from a lack attempts to relieve a vacuum. Successful communication reestablishes equilibrium.

  As soon as you become sensitive to which of your four bodies wants to communicate to someone else you are already resonant to detecting which of another person’s four bodies wants to communicate to you. With this new sensitivity your completion loops can include an additional dimension of understanding. You can respond to the speaker not only with the same information but also in the same language they have used to speak to you. For example:

  • When a message comes from the speaker’s physical body and communicates, “I need…” then your completion loop repeats back, “You need…”

  • When a message comes from the speaker’s objective intellect and says, “I know that…” then your completion loop mirrors back, “You know that…”

  • When a message comes from the speaker’s subjective intellect and says, “My opinion is…” then you would repeat back, “Your opinion is…”

  • When a message comes from the speaker’s emotional body and says, “I feel… because…” then your completion loop repeats back, “You feel… because…”

  • And when a message comes from the speaker’s energetic body and says, “I wish…”, “I imagine…”, “I dream…” or, “If only…” then your completion loop confirms that you heard their inspiration speaking. You then repeat what you heard them say, in a way that reflects their same mood.

  MAP OF FOUR KINDS OF MESSAGES

  THE URGE TO COMMUNICATE COMES FROM AN EXCESS OR LACK.

  1) PHYSICAL MESSAGES EXPRESS NEEDS

  2) INTELLECTUAL MESSAGES EXPRESS INFORMATION

  3) EMOTIONAL MESSAGES EXPRESS FEELINGS

  4) ENERGETIC MESSAGES EXPRESS WANTS

  This added dimension, of confirming what you heard the speaker say using a completion loop formulated in the language of the body from which they spoke to you, instantly builds a contact bridge between you. Trust immediately walks across this bridge, confidently encouraging each of you to take further risks in letting yourselves be known. The clarity and joy of communication in extraordinary human relationship is an ecstatic dance that can lighten the delivery or reception of even weighty messages. However, no matter how majestic and marvelous this communication model is, nothing will change without you practicing it over and over and endlessly over again. The futility of hoping to change something without disciplined practice cannot be overstressed. Ask anyone who plays the violin well.

  SECTION 6-Q

  Five Kinds of Speaking

  The five speaking distinctions that support Extraordinary human relationship are 1) normal neurotic speaking, 2) discussion, 3) adult speaking, 4) discovery speaking, and 5) possibility speaking.

  1) Normal Neurotic Speaking is babble, gossip, chatter, word salad, stream of consciousness, speaking for the sake of speaking, getting attention by speaking, dominating spaces by speaking, opinions about sports, politics, the weather, and so on … not much different from background TV noise. It is called “neurotic” because if done unconsciously it is self-referenced and self-serving. Being involved in making normal neurotic speaking is not wrong, bad or dangerous. It simply produces certain results. Before this moment you may not have had the term “normal neurotic speaking” to describe such behavior. Now the “x” is on the map and you can identify what you are creating. If you are doing it unconsciously you do not know what purpose you serve. Knowing what purpose you serve is the first step in creating Extraordinary human relationship.

  2) Discussion Speaking can be either irresponsible or responsible, neurotic or adult, defensive or expansive, depending on what purpose is being served. Your job is to viscer-ally detect the difference between a discussion moderated by Shadow Principles and a discussion moderated by Bright Principles. Many efforts to discuss something – either as a couple or in meetings – end up as mere power struggles rather than useful collaborations. By remembering Box mechanics it becomes quite understandable why the default mode of discussions serves unconscious purposes. The Box wants to survive and strives to do so by asserting that its opinions are right. Having its opinions challenged feels life-threatening to the Box, and in this case the Box enters discussions with normal neurotic speaking. So discussion can be either a verbal “I win, you lose” combat, or a creative collaboration serving the Bright Principle of “Winning Happening.” The deciding factor is you, the space holder. If cared for with attention, discussions can be highly effective and responsible ways to come together and share valuable information and insights. Participating in discussions without carefully navigating the purpose can also be a big waste of time.

  MAP OF FIVE KINDS OF SPEAKING

  1) NORMAL NEUROTIC SPEAKING

  Babble, gossip, arguing, complaining, excuses, chatter, background noise.

  2) DISCUSSION (could be irresponsible or responsible)

  Depends on the purpose, can be neurotic or adult, power struggle or collaboration. Discussion may be a battle of opinions or sharing valuable information and insights.

  3) ADULT SPEAKING

  Authentic communication, sharing, agreements, instructions, information, plans.

  4) POSSIBILITY SPEAKING

  Speaking as a space. Commit first to the other person's necessity then speak from not knowing. Includes distinctions, new perspectives, and linear or nonlinear possibilities.

  5) DISCOVERY SPEAKING

  Space holder navigates one team into new territory to discover whatever is needed.

  3) Adult Speaking includes all of the responsible communication tools and considerations already outlined in this chapter. Adult speaking creates a foundation of integrity and respect, and consistently communicates only one background message: extraordinary human love. Adult speaking follows the Map of Communication and ranges all the way from simply relating information, such as, “Dinner is at six o’clock in the backyard. Alexander is not coming,” to more complex speech actions such as sharing feelings, making distinctions, creating agreements, making promises, making requests, or establishing boundaries. Adult speaking is best used for speaking about what is known. When wishing to speak about what is unknown, there are two additional forms of speaking: possibility speaking and discovery speaking.

  4) Possibility Speaking is how to respond to true necessity even without previous expertise in what is needed or wanted. Possibility speaking begins when the listener says, “Please give me possibility.” The request can be specific or open. For example, one partner says, “Please give me possibility about how to be more intimate with you,” or, “Please give me possibility about dealing better with our teenage daughter’s aloofness,” or, “Please give me possibility about coming home from work unstressed,” or, in general, “Please give me possibility.” Then the listener stops questioning and just listens. The possibility speaker immediately commits to the authentic necessity of the questioner. The commitment comes first. After the commitment to provide value, the possibility speaker snaps themselves into a spac
e and begins talking before they begin thinking. Possibility speaking happens when a speaker is bold, firm, demanding, fiercely honest, and speaks before he thinks – directly the opposite of adult speaking where you think before you speak. The possibility speaker speaks as a space. This lets them speak about more than they know about in their conscious mind. The question arises, “What speaks if the speaker is a space and is speaking from not knowing?” What speaks is a combination of the Bright Principles from the speaker’s destiny and / or the Archetypes that the speaker has already stellated (ignited) through deep emotional work. The questioner has asked for possibility – for whatever will allow them to create new results in their life. True possibility will create a change in their Box design, and will come in the form of clarifications, distinctions, dangerous questions that can only be answered by opening up new perspectives, or previously invisible linear or nonlinear options for actions.