Relationship is a complicated series of soft skills. Soft skills are learned in the body through practice, not in the mind through thinking about practice. If you have the idea that you can just complain to a man and he will learn something or change his behavior, you are seriously deluded. Soft skills are hard and painful to learn. Be-with your Man in such a nurturing way that he can go through the long, difficult and painful liquid states of learning new relationship soft skills without feeling too self-conscious. Men can learn. They just need the right reward.
Manmaking Step #1: Shift the Game
Here is a chance for you to do what most adults will never figure out how to do. You can shift the game you are playing in relationship. You need ask no one’s permission to shift into Manmaking. You need have no license, pay no registration fee, or carry no certificate. You want to change the game you are playing in relationship? Then go ahead and change it. That is how the Pirate Sorceress Warrioress Queen Goddess Woman works. (Womanmaking is the subject of the next chapter, but both men and women can learn from the material in both chapters.)
The way we see things is an ongoing creative action. The purpose in this first step is to consciously use this powerful shaping force of “seeing” to establish that our human man is additionally an Archetypal Man (or that our human woman is additionally an Archetypal Woman). If we see “pig” we get “pig.” If we see “Man” we get “Man.” Through the quality of your regard for your Man’s well-being, you open the door for your partner to re-originate and become new.
This first step is to shift where you are seeing from; shift the “source” of who you are being when you see, since everything else flows from that. Do not focus on the “problem” of where your attitudes and actions originally came from. Focus more on the opportunity of where your attitudes and actions could be coming from. This is what you are shifting into.
Start over again as one who holds respect for men as potential Men. Shift from being your historically-based self, dedicated to sustaining past memories about who you have been, to being presently original and unknown to yourself, dedicated to fulfilling Archetypal potentials. With every breath you take and every move you make let your new place of origin inform you. Shift from “I am me” into something entirely new. Try thinking of yourself as “I am a Manmaker” (or “I am a Womanmaker”).
This first step is most crucial. That is because it is almost impossible for an exhausted, self-deprecating victim bitch to make a Man instead of a pig. Manmaking starts with you being the Pirate Sorceress Warrioress Queen Goddess Woman who can choose the way you see things.
How do you shift the game that you are playing? How do you shift the source of where you come from? How do you shift who you are? The shifting itself is relatively simple. You declare who you are. You say, “I am a Manmaker” in the same way that someone would say, “I am a fireman” or “I am a spiritual student.” Your framework of being is declared, and then that framework is lived into with the actions of your life. The really difficult part of this whole procedure is to remember to make the declaration. The more useful questions at this point will be: How can you remember to shift the game that you are playing? How do you remember to shift the source of where you come from? How do you remember to shift who you are?
Since the Box will mechanically be doing all it can to prevent you from remembering to shift, the reminding factors for remembering to shift must originate from outside of your Box’s field of control. The Box controls your feeling, thinking, and perceiving mind. The reminding factor must come from beyond the grip of your thinking. Jesus, for example, is reputed to have given his disciples such a reminding factor. The reminding factor was handed down from generation to generation for two thousand years until I received it from my father who was raised in the Christian tradition. He taught me to break my slice of bread in half before I ate it at a meal. When I was in my early thirties, it finally dawned on me to ask him why I should break my bread. He said that his father taught him that it was more polite that way. But the habit of breaking bread was actually passed down to my father in an unbroken lineage from Jesus, who gave that practice to his followers as a reminding factor. Every time they broke their bread before eating it, they could shift from the standard world of being human to the Archetypal world of being his disciples. Breaking bread before you eat it could become one of your reminding factors to shift from an ordinary woman into being a Manmaker (or from an ordinary man into being a Womanmaker).
Now that you have the idea of how reminding factors work, you can experiment with creating a continuously evolving series of them to alert yourself to shifting the game. For example, I carry a tiny cloth pouch around in my pocket, wherever I go, as a reminding factor. It is irritating to always carry that pouch. The persistent nuisance consumes a bit of my attention, and that is how it serves as a reminding factor. Putting a coin in your shoe will do the same thing. Tying a string around your finger could be a reminding factor. Touching each doorway you pass through could be a reminding factor. Putting your right shoe on first and then taking your left shoe off first could be a reminding factor. Treating your partner with kindness, generosity and respect could be a reminding factor too.
Shifting the game from “I am me” to “I am Manmaker” (or “I am Womanmaker”) is the first step in a six-step procedure for continuing to develop and explore Archetypal Relationship.
Manmaking Step #2: Get Present / Stay Present
Archetypal Relationship takes place only in the present moment, which means it does not include anything about the past or future. The present only includes right here and right now. You can engage your partner in intimacy Edgework experiments only by staying present, here and now, not by psychologically processing with them.
Having the intense sensation of “a need to process” (that is, to work through your resistances, emotions or psychological difficulties) is one particular space in the Great Labyrinth of Spaces (see Section 8-D). It tends to be an underworld space, not bad or wrong, just underworld. If an issue from the past is coming up for you, and you have this need to process about it, go get yourself processed by another woman or work with therapist or a trainer, not your partner. Your process is not your partner’s business. Trying to process the garbage heap of your past with your partner only contaminates your relationship. Precious time goes by that you will never get back.
If you let it, the Box will happily use psycho-emotional processing as a handy way to avoid intimacy here and now. The Box can dredge up an endless stream of considerations. You are Pirate Sorceress Warrioress Queen Goddess Woman. Break your own rules. Lift yourself up by the scruff of your neck and drop yourself into another space where processing is not necessary. Reserve the sanctuary of your relationship for the possibility of Archetypal Love now.
An additional aspect of being present is noticing what is when it is right in front of you. That means, if you want to be-with your Man then stop sending him away. If you are distracted and do not notice with all of your senses that your Man is there at home with you, when he is there at home with you, then you will have the impression that your Man is never at home with you. If your Man is off doing your bidding, fixing the car, building the fence, taking care of the kids, picking up groceries, remember that you sent him out there to do that. He is not with you because you made it a higher priority for him to be off doing something else. For him, he is with you because he is doing what you asked him to do. The time when your Man is off doing what you sent him away to do is time that you will never recover for intimacy experiments. The weekend is only so long, and ticks steadily away, however we use it. If you want to have a memory that your Man is with you when he is home from work, then arrange it that you are with him. Remember this the next time you want to complain that your Man is not with you. And vice versa for men.
Manmaking Step #3: Place the Man on the King’s Throne
You place your Man on the King’s throne through authentically appreciating his qualities of being.
You would place your Man on a King’s throne out of respect for your own dignity. You are the Pirate Sorceress Warrioress Queen Goddess Woman. It is proper and dignified for your partner to be a Pirate Magician King Spiritual Warrior Man. Such a Man holds space and blesses the people when he is on his throne. The King’s throne for your Man will be different places at different times. The King’s throne could be at the dining table, at his desk, in the driver’s seat of the car, in his overstuffed chair in the living room, at his office, in his workshop, or on the porch with the children. The King’s throne is often made out of energetic intangibles, such as when you are walking down the street together. You place your Man on the King’s throne by being committed to what he is committed to. First, you must find out what he is committed to. Your Man is telling you what his commitment is all the time. You can learn to listen for his commitments so that you can commit to what he is committed to in appreciative words and actions. Join him in what he loves to do. Be interested in what he is interested in, authentically, for a long time. Do not fake being interested in his world as a strategy to get him to give you his attention. And, if he does give you his attention, don’t fill it up with your own interests, needs, topics, issues, proposals and news. Dumping your psycho-emotional hell world on your Man destroys the possibility of intimacy.
MAP OF PROCEDURE FOR MANMAKING
1) SHIFT THE GAME FROM “I AM ME,” TO “I AM MANMAKER.”
2) GET PRESENT.
3) PLACE THE MAN ON THE KING'S THRONE.
4) BE THE POWER BEHIND THE THRONE.
5) LEARN TO BE ECSTATICALLY IN LOVE.
6) CREATE ONGOING NONLINEAR OPPORTUNITIES THAT LEAD YOUR MAN TO EXPERIMENTALLY ENTER COMMUNION, ECSTASY, LOVE AND ONENESS WITH YOU.
For example, if your Man is committed to opening the door for you, and you open the door for yourself instead, because you have a program in your head that makes you judge yourself to be weak or helpless unless you do things for yourself, that is not placing your Man on the King’s throne. That is the little girl jumping onto the King’s throne pretending to be King, thinking that this makes the Man proud of you. It does not make him proud of you. It disempowers your Man and makes him angry and sad that he is with a little girl instead of a Woman. Try this experiment: The next time your Man could open the door for you, radiate appreciation and self-respect, stand aside so he can do it, then walk elegantly through the door so he can admire you in passing. This little piece of conscious theater places your Man in his rightful place, on the King’s throne. You can put your Man onto the King’s throne in many different ways, a hundred times a day.
If there is a time when your Man does not show up and deliver as King, do not blame him or criticize him. Instead, use it as ongoing feedback to reflect how well you are showing up and delivering being Queen. Putting your King on his throne through your respect is your part of the deal.
Manmaking Step #4: Be the Power Behind the Throne
Masculine power is linear, precise, clear, monodimensional, and final. For the Pirate Sorceress Warrioress Queen Goddess Woman, Masculine power is utterly boring. Test this for yourself. Feminine power is nonlinear, fluidic, multidimensional, and never comes to an end. Feminine power is the gameworld (see Glossary) for Woman. A Woman is powerful when she empowers others. Woman tends the household, purifies the sanctuary, communicates with the other householders and all their jobs. Woman flows energy to educate, strengthen and harmonize the people in the kingdom, especially her Man. The power of Woman is Archetypally represented by Woman standing behind her Man, who is sitting on the King’s throne. Woman has her hands resting on her Man’s shoulders. Her hands on his shoulders are not there to suppress, control, or dominate. Her hands are on his shoulders so that he knows she is there to support him. The Queen’s job is to empower her King with her counsel. This means: Do not argue with your Man. Do not prove to him or to other people that he is wrong. Proving that your Man is wrong does not make you strong; it makes the kingdom weak. Do not complain to your Man. If you complain to your Man you are not Kingmaking; you are trashcan making. Instead of arguing or complaining, just listen. Then, at the right moment, empower your Man with your counsel. Support your Man by providing him with useful information. Say, “Were you aware of…,” “I am sorry but perhaps you did not know that…,” “Could you also make use of the possibility that…” If your Man is lacking information, it is your fault that you did not inform or educate him yet. Apologize. Go out of your way to give the King the information (and the kisses) he needs. If your Man is going along and suddenly falters for lack of information, you can be right there behind him, leaning over his shoulder and whispering in his ear, empowering him by saying, “This person’s name is Jean-Pierre Bouillon. He is the Chief Financial Officer from Bank of Sweden. You meet with him at 4 o’clock in the north room. His wife’s name is Dorothea. He has no children and loves to play golf.” If the King appears to argue with you, just say thank you and agree. Never say, “Yes, but…” Instead, train yourself to say, “Yes, and…” Continue to explore the dimensions of being the power behind the King’s throne.
Woman is successful when she makes her Man’s life successful by empowering him with her counsel. The feminine Gremlin, the queen of your underworld, when frustrated with your Man’s mistakes or failures, will present you with irrefutable evidence to prove that your Man is an idiot and that life would be a lot easier without all this Manmaking stuff. The conscious, responsible, loving Woman, Queen of your upperworld, knows that without her Man being a Man there are spaces she cannot access, and very interesting experiments she cannot do. The responsible Queen intimately knows the wily deviousness of the Gremlin Queen, looks her straight in the eyes and says “Sit!” as if to a growling dog on a short chain. Give no power to your Gremlin Queen with regards to your Man. The Gremlin Queen gets enough food from feeding on other Gremlin Queens.
Manmaking Step #5: Learn to Be Ecstatically in Love
Attract your Man’s attention through his interest in your interest in him. Then, practice tolerating the intensity of your Man’s full attention. His attention will change you. Your Man’s full attention on you greets the Pirate Sorceress Warrioress Queen Goddess Woman and invites her into the space of ecstatic Archetypal Love. The banishment of the ordinary and the arrival of the Archetypal can be swift and unsettling to experience, like having what you always regarded as solid ground suddenly crumble beneath you into the gaping maw created by an earthquake. The transition may require practice getting used to. So go ahead and practice. Sit in the new sensations and breathe, gradually stretching your capacity to endure this intensity. If you cannot tolerate the Goddess when she arises in you, then your Man goes without Goddess food. He cannot drink Archetypal Feminine nectar until you let the Goddess come and pour herself into him. Being so fulfilled, so “drunk” on your Man’s attention can be intense. Feeling pure joy for no reason makes our whole psychological defense strategy obsolete. Having no workable defense strategy is frightening – at first we do not know who we are when undefended. But, when you think about it, the greatest security is not having to have security. Rather than limiting yourself by demanding that you first feel secure, find that place within yourself wherein security is irrelevant because you know yourself to be already whole and alive. Then, being the Pirate Sorceress Warrioress Queen Goddess Woman in relationship with your Man becomes endlessly fun because a possible adventure lays hidden in each moment; since you do not have the requirement for security first you can go along.
Manmaking Step #6: Create Nonlinear Opportunities That Lead Your Man to Enter Oneness With You
Do not sabotage your opportunities to do intimacy Edgework experiments. You may not know exactly what experiments you will try before you two drive away into the countryside. This does not matter. The details will clarify themselves. Stay aware of and open to the conditions where nothing else is happening; where nothing else is taking up the room where Edgework experiments could take place. Be careful to creat
e sanctuary for such opportunities. Don’t sabotage your chances for entering unknown territories of intimacy by inviting along friends or relatives, by bringing office work or handicrafts, by getting little or no sleep the night before, by being late for the designated starting time because you are over packing with food, clothing or supplies so as to be prepared for everything. Beginnings are such delicate times. Take care that the time set aside to be together is spent only being together. Enter opportunities undefended with busy-work plans, or concerns about work and problems. Get well rested and nurture yourself for a couple of days before starting, so that you are vibrant and full of energy, instead of sleeping on the drive, getting sick, complaining of fatigue, yawning, and not being able to stay up all night playing together. Pack early so that you are effortlessly ready to grab your bags and go. Pack lightly so the baggage is not a burden. (He likes you best naked anyway.) Be relaxed and ready ten minutes ahead of your scheduled departure time, so you can leave early with no need to rush along the way. These little details can make all the difference in the world when navigating toward communion, ecstasy, love, lightness, joy, and oneness with your Man.
And a Few More Soft Skills for Manmaking
As we noted on page 282, “Relationship is a complicated series of soft skills. Soft skills are learned in the body through repeated practice, not in the mind through repeatedly thinking you should practice. If you have the idea that you can just complain to a Man and he will learn something or change his behavior, you are seriously deluded. Soft skills are hard and painful to learn. Be-with your Man in such a nurturing way that he can go through the long, difficult and painful liquid states of learning new relationship soft skills without feeling too self-conscious. Men can learn. They just need the right reward.”
Radiant Joy Brilliant Love Page 46
