1. Rub the Magic Lamp
We have all heard stories about a magic lamp: If you rub the magic lamp your wish comes true because the genii in the lamp gives you anything you want. Every night you are going to bed with a magic lamp and you are not rubbing it! If you do not rub the magic lamp, how can you expect to receive the gifts of the genii? To be painfully explicit, a man’s penis is like a magic lamp. His penis has one home, and that is inside of you. When a man’s penis is erect, it does not mean that he has to have an orgasm inside of you, or even have an orgasm at all. It simply means he wants you. Talk with your Man about this. Ask your Man if it is okay for him to have an erection and to not have an orgasm. Ask him if you can hold his penis even when it is not big, just because you like it. Ask him this frequently, not just a few times. Ask only in total privacy, with complete sincerity. Such a thing is not for teasing or the slightest bit of joking around. When your warm hand is wrapped around your Man’s penis, whether it is large, small, or in between, your Man feels like he is inside of you. Actually he is inside of you, because your hand is also you. For a man, feeling an erection is great all by itself. For woman, feeling a man’s erection is great too, especially if you have disassociated the presence of the erection from the assumption that you have to perform some duty. Woman can enjoy experiencing a man’s erection for what it is, a magnificent warm wonder of nature. Man can enjoy the same thing. If your Man does not want to have an orgasm, just hold onto that thing and fall asleep together. If he does want to have an orgasm, just keep gently moving your hand as he directs. It is great for Woman to bring Man to orgasm, and it doesn’t take that long. Rub the magic lamp. This little piece of advice is better than ten years of relationship therapy.
2. Let Go of the Fairness Issue
Neither Manmaking nor Womanmaking are fair. From the Box’s perspective one person is always doing more for the other person. The extra efforts are unrecognized, unappreciated and imbalanced. Your advantage will be to enter the game already knowing at the outset that neither Manmaking nor Womanmaking are fair. The purpose of Manmaking, for example, is not fairness; it is Manmaking. Fairness is a consideration in a different game. Women and men are wildly dissimilar. Calling forth the Masculine or Feminine Archetypes uses vastly different procedures. Between man and woman it will never be fair. Handling unfairness is easy when we have the attitude that fairness is not even an issue.
Succeeding in circumstances that on the surface appeared to be unfair was a specialty of Mother Teresa of Calcutta. She expressed her approach clearly by quoting Kent M. Keith. The quote in the box below was hung on the wall of her children’s home in Calcutta.
3. Relax Into Uncertainty
The vastness and complexity of a Woman’s perceptions do not let her relax in the company of uncertainty. Women see too many possibilities for error. Fear of uncertainty is not bad; it does have its practical uses. For example, fear of uncertainty makes you ask questions like, “Did you lock the door? Do you have the tickets? Does the babysitter have our mobile phone number?” But giving reality to the fear of uncertainty is completely neurotic, because uncertainty is all there is. “The nature of reality is groundlessness,” said Buddhist nun and teacher Pema Chödron, a woman. “Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature… Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or it is nothing,” said Helen Keller, a woman.
Even if you have a deluxe insurance policy, security is an illusion. Through tacitly recognizing uncertainty as the basic condition of life, it is completely possible to have relaxed, joyful self-assurance, and a really great time, without any certainty at all. We can have intimacy even in chaos, even if we have serious doubts, even if all the bills are not paid, even if the laundry is not done, even if our back hurts, even if we are late for an appointment. Do not let your Box promote decisions based on a neurotic fear of ambiguity. Stand in uncertainty and keep asking yourself, “Is it of greater importance for me to make efforts to find more certainty now, or to experience intimacy with my partner?”
4. Prioritize the Do-It List
A woman is able to create more problems than a man can solve. If you do tell your Man about a problem, or about what you are feeling, always remember to reassure him that he does not have to do anything about it. This will let him relax and listen to you in an entirely different way. He will not get overwhelmed, thinking that he has to fix your problem or do something because of your feeling. Women see, feel, hear, sense and are Everything. Women know and feel Everything that is not working, Everything that is wrong, and Everything that is broken. This is why a woman’s fixit list is longer than a man’s day. Do not overwhelm your Man with the vastness of your perceptions. Do not avalanche him with problems. He will just give up. Make a list and prioritize the jobs for him. Then he can tackle the jobs one at a time or in whatever fashion he wishes. The way he approaches handling the problems is none of your business. He is a man. Men do things very differently from women. Do not try to make your man into a woman.
People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.
If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.
If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.
The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.
The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot
down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.
People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.
What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.
People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.
Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway
– The Paradoxical Commandments by Kent M. Keith, 1968
5. Resolve Resentments Immediately
Take care of yourself about your resentments in the same moment in which you create the resentments. If you do not resolve your resentments, then you lose your Man. He may not necessarily leave right away. Nevertheless, you lose him. If you have resentments, when you look at your Man you do not see your Man, you only see your unresolved resentments about your Man. If you do not immediately take responsibility and resolve your resentments, they will burrow into your unconsciousness and become part of your Box, shaping what you see. Even one resentment is enough to destroy the possibility of intimacy.
The way to resolve a resentment is to take responsibility for creating it in the first place. Find out the exact moment you made the resentment and why. It is usually an unex-pressed thought, feeling, need, or wish, a communication from one of your four bodies. To resolve the resentment, arrange to complete your communication. Work to let yourself be known. It is a paradox: Resentment blocks intimacy, but intimately sharing yourself releases resentment. Use the communication skills that were detailed in Section 6-O.
If you already have resentments about your partner – which most of us in ordinary human relationships do – then take responsibility for the fact that the only reason you still have resentments is because you maintained the resentments, as painful hooks in your heart, so as to hate your partner. Your Box can make a resentment for you about anything. This means that resentments do not actually involve the other person. You are doing resentment all by yourself. Resentments are Box strategy. Resentments are created by the Box to reinforce the beliefs and fears of the Box. If you take a resentment hook out of your heart, your Box will strongly object. If you redesign the part of your Box that sustains itself by holding a c
ertain resentment, then the resentment will naturally fall away. Having a resentment fall away is nothing short of a miracle. But it does not happen all by itself. I have counseled couples who refused to take their Box-made hooks of resentment about their partner out of their own heart. Some of them did not last long as a couple after that. Resentment makes only hate food. Get yourself another diet.
And while we’re on the subject of holding resentments, beware of a tendency to take revenge on your Man by spending his money. A woman is able to spend more money than a man can earn. Overspending is usually revenge. Revenge is resentment in action. For many men, money represents their life’s blood, because of how much effort it takes to get the money. Spending a man’s money makes him bleed. Get responsible, instead of torturing your Man. Do not use money revenge to try to compensate for your conflicts. The man you are angry at is most probably not even your partner. Your partner just happens to be the most accessible man to torture.
6. Communicate What You Do Want, Not What You Don’t Want
Men cannot read your mind. Even Archetypal Men cannot read your mind. If you expect your Man to read your mind, you are living in a fantasy. You are actually trying to control the man and take his balls, creating ordinary human relationship. Men are linear and simple. Do not forget this. When you want something, be responsible for saying exactly and precisely what you want, so that the man can help to create it for you. The greatest pleasure for a Man is doing something that makes his Woman happy. Do not make your Man try to guess the details. This takes his center away. Communicating with a Man is simple, much simpler than you can imagine. Say what you do want, not what you don’t want. When he asks, “Where do you want to go for a vacation this summer, Honey?” stop yourself from saying, “I don’t want to stay with your sister again in Florida. That was horrible. The TV was always on, and she never stops talking, and trying to eat her version of coleslaw makes me want to…” He did not ask what you don’t want. He asked what you do want. Learn to say what you do want. True, it is a narrower view. But that view can open whole new vistas of clarity and opportunity for the two of you.
Men ask simple yes or no questions. Yes or no questions do not fit the way the world looks and feels to a Woman, but they match the way the world looks and feels to a Man perfectly. If you answer a yes or no question with anything other than a simple yes or no, you instantly confuse your Man. Do not confuse your Man. He just stands there with a painful blank look on his face and cannot move. Without a clear yes or no answer from you, he is petrified. Practice listening for yes or no questions from your Man, and practice answering them with only a yes or a no. These tiny behavior changes can make an incredible difference.
7. Rewrite Your Stories About Your Wound
The patriarchy wounds women. Little boys in men’s bodies wound women. Irresponsible men addicted to alcohol, men who are themselves wounded, men who feel powerless and want violent aggressive revenge, men who do not accept themselves how they are – these men wound women. Women carry wounds from these men. If women do not heal themselves of these wounds they will carry the wounds for the rest of their lives and as a result hate all men. It is crucial for a woman to admit her hesitation to making men into Men as long as she has not healed her own wounds. Through her thoughts, words and deeds, a wounded woman consciously or unconsciously makes men into pigs. Likewise, men who carry wounds from women are better pig-makers than Womanmakers.
It is important to understand that no amount of therapy or psychological processing will heal the actual fact that you were wounded. The facts surrounding what caused the wounding are irreversible. The incident that precipitated the wound should not have happened, and it did happen. You, as a Pirate Sorceress Warrioress Queen Goddess Woman, have the power to change your interpretation of the facts. The facts are neutral. Your story about the facts is not neutral. One at a time, consciously, go back to the naked facts and rewrite your story about what happened, while feeling the anger, sadness, fear and also the joy each time. Give the facts about what happened to you a meaning that empowers you, rather than one that positions you as a victim.
Then, separate the incident from what you learned through the incident, and let the incident take its proper place in the past. Regard the wound as one of your wisdom resources. Let the wound succeed in its evolutionary mission of delivering you with learning. With its mission accomplished, its cycle is finally complete. The significance of the wound can fade to the level of what you had for breakfast one morning twenty-three years ago. When you realize in your heart that the fact of the wounding absolutely lacks importance, its charge is dissipated, and any resentment dissolves into nothingness. Gone. Then you are healed. Then you can go about enjoying interactions between an Archetypal Man and an Archetypal Woman.
Let Your Woman Succeed at Making You into a Man.
It was Sadie Hawkins Day in my seventh grade class – the day on which the girls were allowed to pick partners for the upcoming dance, if they could catch one. All the boys were lined up across the field and the girls were lined up behind them, dressed quite prettily. All I knew was that I was supposed to not get caught by a girl. And yet there was one girl who …
The gun fired. We sped away. I ran like I never ran before, probably to show off. Out of 100 boys, I reached the end of the field first! I was not a fast runner. In fact, I was one of the only boys to not get caught. It puzzled me, but I didn’t get what was going on. Walking back to class, that girl found me. She approached me cautiously, alone. With heartbreaking tenderness she asked, “Why didn’t you let me catch you?” I had no answer. That was our last conversation.
Today I know that I was afraid of the intimacy of being her Man. For men, this fear can be immense. If you let your Woman make you into a Man, you will feel afraid of how big that is for her and afraid of how that bigness cannot protect you. So what? Lots of things already make you afraid. You can get used to feeling afraid. But you can only grow accustomed to tolerating the intense fear of intimacy with the Archetypal Feminine while you are being intimate with the Archetypal Feminine. The love that arises will help you.
By now you have probably noticed that life goes by rather quickly. If she makes efforts with you, let her efforts succeed. The deep healing influence of Archetypal Love is inexplicably miraculous. Do not limit its influence with the linear requirement of your intellect. Try this experiment. The next time your Woman makes even the least effort to recognize you as a Man, let down your defenses. Allow yourself to personally experience the maximum intensity of ever-unfolding Love Happening in the tiniest gestures of her moment-to-moment presence. Let her succeed at Manmaking. Let your Man succeed at Womanmaking. Why not?
SECTION 10-C
Gorilla Basics
Bringing Archetypal Woman or Archetypal Man into your everyday life is revolutionary. If your efforts sometimes look as if they are failing, do not worry. This happens. Failing is integral to the learning process. It does not mean anything about you or about what is possible, and especially it does not mean anything about what is possible for you. Just start over. Do not take it personally. Change something and try again.
Stability in Archetypal do -mains is not accidental. Stability in Archetypal domains unfolds after first building a thorough understanding of both the animalistic and humanistic factors inherent in our incarnated predicament. Many of the daily functions of human life are purely animal functions, like sleeping, eating, grooming, mating, birthing, nursing, and so on. You will not get very far in the Archetypal without practical capabilities in dealing with your own and your partner’s “gorilla” nature. For example, if you get offended while you are getting ready for bed because your partner takes a shit and stinks up the bathroom while you are brushing your teeth, the Archetypal door slams shut in your face. If you get offended because your partner is cramped up with unexpressed sadness and anger about an incident that happened during their day, and they want you to listen to their woes, then you will be unable to leapfrog over animal
and human trappings to enter Archetypal Love-bliss together in bed. Therefore, even if you are interested in creating and exploring Archetypal Relationship, it is eminently wise to remember gorilla basics.
Some Notes on the Care and Feeding of Gorillas
At this point in your experiments with radiant joy and brilliant Love it is advisable to reinforce a few important issues. First and foremost, remember that women do not understand men. Men do not understand women either, but men do not pretend to understand women.
MAP OF GORILLA BASICS
NOTES ON THE CARE AND HANDLING OF MALE GORILLAS. GORILLAS GO CRAZY IF YOU TRY TO TALK WITH THEM WHEN THEY ARE:
1) TIRED.
2) HUNGRY.
3) HORNY.
4) SICK.
5) WHEN THE FOOTBALL GAME IS ON.
6) WHEN IT IS TIME TO GO.
PAY ATTENTION WHEN YOU WANT TO HAVE A CONVERSATION. DO NOT SET YOURSELF UP FOR A BAD TIME WITH YOUR GORILLA.
Do not try to get your man to listen and talk to you like a woman talks to you. He is not a woman. He is a man, and you do not know what that is. Men are a mystery to women, and forever will remain a mystery to women. Learn to appreciate the mystery that men represent.
Men are smelly and scratchy. That is how men are. Just decide to like it. You would be surprised what men have to decide to like about women.
It’s about time for you to peel off the “good girl” costume and flush her down the toilet. The good girl image is deeply woven into the female Box. “Good girls don’t do that! Good girls aren’t like that!” When women dress sexy, flash their eyes sexy, move sexy, and speak sexy, the gorilla gets attracted. But when the gorilla gets too close and sex is actually possible, the good-girl-machine kicks in and the gorilla is shunned, scolded for getting too close. The good girl turns her back. The gorilla is shamed and skulks away. When a woman sees the poor gorilla, she suddenly wakes up, “Oh my God! What have I done? What got into me?” and she starts the sexy moves again. She breathes sexy, smiles sexy, wiggles her ass sexy, and the gorilla gets attracted and comes back again. But when he actually touches her, the good girl freaks out totally again! The good girl feels ashamed or afraid and closes up like a bank on Sunday. Here is a suggestion from the Pirate Sorceress Warrioress Queen Goddess Woman: Once and for all, peel off the good girl costume and flush her down the toilet! She is only a false role that came from some twisted pastor at church, or some dried up old teacher at school.
Radiant Joy Brilliant Love Page 47
