Delicate

by K. L. Cottrell

  Our order number gets called, so I alert her, but she spends another few seconds clinging to me.

  I don’t take a single one of them for granted.

  Unsurprisingly, she ends up wanting to eat in the kid-friendly portion of the restaurant, so we pass into the glassed-in area and claim a colorful table. It’s undoubtedly meant for children, but the only other kids in here are set up across the room, at a regular table with a man and woman, so I oblige Theo.

  I also oblige her when me being cramped on the round stool amuses her so much that she wants to take a picture with my phone. I’m sure I do look hilarious.

  When she’s done, I snap a few pictures of her, too, to add to my Theo’s Fifth Birthday collection. Then I make a deal with her: if she eats half her food, she can go play for a while before she has to come back and eat the other half.

  She agrees without issue and plops down to unbox her chicken nuggets. We’ll see what really happens, though. Kids get distracted easily, especially on exciting days like this.

  And something that’s quietly funny to me is the way she likes to eat her nuggets and fries. She does it the way Cliff used to: with a variety of dips. I don’t think Noelle has introduced her to really exotic or spicy flavors yet, but Theo does like ketchup, honey, barbecue sauce, and small amounts of mustard—today, she went with the first two. I’ve just watched her finish up a bite of a nugget dipped in honey, and now the next bite is going into her little cup of ketchup.

  Look what you’ve done, I think at my friend with a growing smile. Before we know it, she’s gonna be a teenager ordering four different dips every time she gets fast food, like a certain someone else.

  I chuckle out loud when I remember what he used to say any time he asked for so many dips. Before the cashier could even mention it, he’d be like, ‘It’s fine if there’s an extra charge for them.’

  The memories and our eating are interrupted by the woman from across the room coming over to deliver yet another birthday dollar to Theo. Once again, we’re surprised and delighted.

  “How old are you, honey?” she asks with a kind smile. “Wait, let me guess. Four?”

  “Five!” Theo sunnily shows off five fingers.

  “Aw, I was close! I don’t quite have a five-year-old yet, but that’ll change next year!” The woman motions over to her family.

  I look that way, too, and catch her husband’s eye. We send a friendly wave to each other, and then I notice the older of their two kids. That must be the one she’s talking about. How cute.

  When I turn back to my own business, the lady holds up the dollar and says to me, “Since you’re eating, do you mind if I…?” Then she looks at Theo. “Will it be okay with you if I pin this dollar to your shirt?”

  Theo nods, just like I do as I say, “Thank you, and thanks for checking! We appreciate that.”

  “Oh, absolutely! I never touch random kids without permission, and I sure don’t let just anyone touch mine.”

  Ew, I’d never. “No, ma’am.”

  After Theo’s third dollar is pinned to her shirt, she thanks the lady, and I do the same once again. Warmly, she assures us that it’s her pleasure, and she wishes us a great day and Theo a happy birthday.

  “Wow, Theo!” I stage-whisper when it’s just us again. “Look at you go!”

  “Tha-ree!” she enunciates goofily. “Tha-ree dollars!”

  I hold up my hand for a high-five, and she smacks me one. “Is it safe to say you’re having a good day?”

  She nods wildly.

  “Awesome!”

  To my surprise, she eats most of her food before she runs off to play. I get some videos of her going down the slide and waving to me from up high. One time, she calls out to her mama and says she’s sorry she’s not here to see her play. That makes me laugh.

  I hate when checking the time tells me we have to wrap this up before long.

  It’s not often at all that it’s just me and Theo, but I quickly realized we’ve been missing out on some extra-meaningful bonding. That possibility hadn’t even crossed my mind before I picked her up earlier.

  Returning her to Noelle is going to leave a Theodora-sized hole in my heart that FaceTime and sporadic visits won’t touch. It’s going to hurt even more than missing her already has.

  And it’ll add to how much I’ve missed Noelle.

  Really, I know it already has. Though I haven’t had a minute to process it, there’s no denying that getting such important time with one of the people I treasure most has started rubbing salt into the open wound of being halfway cut off from the other one.

  Theodora calls for me to watch her go down the slide again, so I put all of that out of my mind.

  After this run on the slide, she starts playing with the older kid from the other table, as well as one that just arrived. I decide to clear away my trash and check on her side of things. With a shake of her cup, I determine she doesn’t need a drink refill, and she still has napkins for that last bit of food….

  As I’m making use of the trash can, I’m accosted by a familiar pint-sized hug.

  “Uncle Beck!” Theo jumps up and down even while she holds on to me. “Can we get some ice cream from here?”

  I gasp playfully. “Ice cream? Let me think about it.”

  Truth is, I already know I’ll get some for her. What about for myself, though? Hm.

  After finishing up with the trash can, I shuffle us back toward our table and look out the wide windows between the play area and the rest of McDonald’s. It’s kind of busy by the registers now. It would probably be faster to snag some ice cream from the drive-thru on our way out.

  In another second, I get the feeling that someone’s attention is on me.

  I glance around the main dining room—ah. A man is sitting near this end of it, not far from where we are, pretty well in line with the registers. He’s facing me and Theo, and his attention is fixed on us.

  I wonder if he thought I was staring at him instead of the restaurant. I lift my hand in a half-cordial, half-apologetic wave. Then I turn back to Theo.

  “Okay, I thought about it: yes, we can get ice cream!”

  She cheers.

  “But that means we gotta leave in a couple minutes, so come finish your food.”

  “Okay, okay, okay!”

  I’m not shocked when all she does is eat a few more fries, take two bites of her last nugget (each with a different dip), and get a long drink of her Sprite.

  But hey, she’s done a good job with her meal, so I’ll allow it.

  Once our table is clear and her shoes and jacket are on, we’re ready to go. We thank the lady and her family once again, and Theo yells goodbye to the entire room because she doesn’t know where that other kid went. Then, laughing, I escort her out of the play area.

  She starts prancing as soon as we’re in the dining room, and I notice she’s headed for the front counter.

  Before I can correct her, someone else calls out to her: “It’s your birthday, huh?”

  My gaze goes slightly to the right of her. At a table there sits the man who was looking at us earlier. She skipped past him just now, so he has shifted around to see her.

  Him watching us didn’t bother me before, but something about the way he’s watching her now hits me a little weird.

  She has stopped walking, so I catch up to her while she answers, “Yes! It’s my birthday! How did you know?”

  “I saw your pin.” He scans a look over her, then points at the glittery thing. “You got a few dollars there, huh? How would you like to get a whole five?”

  Her face alights with fresh enthusiasm. “Yay!”

  He smiles in a way that definitely hits me weird. It’s not the same as how the lady smiled at Theo earlier.

  I remark evenly, “That’s generous of you.”

  He reaches for his wallet on the table, and the glance he sends up to me is so quick it barely exists. Then he winks at her. “Well, she’s a very pretty girl.”

  I like h
im even less.

  He pulls out the money, tosses his wallet back onto the table, and gets to his feet. “In fact, you’re so pretty, I’ll give you ten dollars instead. Come here.”

  Crouching, he reaches out to take hold of her.

  Uh, no.

  Just as she steps backward, I slip a blocking hand between him and her. His fingers bump my palm.

  “Thank you,” I tell him, “but I’ll handle the pin.”

  “Nah, I’m the one giving the gift.” He waves the money at Theo and gives her a coaxing smile. “If you really want this, it’s only fair that—”

  “Hey, you’re not talking to her about it. You’re talking to me.” My tone has flattened over any politeness. “I said I’ll handle it.”

  He drags his eyes up here now, and the angle from which he peers at me fits the unsettling vibe I’m getting from him. On the outside, he looks like an Everyday Joe kind of guy, but whatever sits below that isn’t sitting well with me.

  I try to take the bill from him, but he flops it out of my reach.

  “I’ve already promised her the money,” he says. “I don’t wanna take it back, but I will if you’re gonna be difficult. You don’t wanna ruin her present, do you?”

  My eyebrows shoot up.

  He refocuses on her and shifts to reach around my hand.

  And my other cracks up and out from my side, striking both of his away and sending him wobbling off his balance. Theo hurries behind me with a gasp as he grabs for the chair of the empty table beside him. The metal feet of it scrape across the floor.

  I don’t even wince.

  “Don’t touch my child,” I warn him.

  From the floor, he glares at me like I’m the one who has done something unacceptable.

  I stare back for an unwavering moment, then turn around to Theo and hold out my hands. “Come on, darlin’. Time to go. He’s gonna keep his money after all.”

  Her expression is unreadable, but she lets me pick her up.

  “I don’t know what your problem is,” the man tries to guilt me. “I’m just trying to be nice, and you assault me and cost her—”

  “Save your bullshit. It’s not working on me.”

  Theo holds on to me as I stride off toward the door we entered through earlier.

  I hold on to her even tighter.

  I’m hot with anger toward him and shaken with disgust and discomfort about the whole encounter. How dare he challenge the boundaries I set for Theo, and how dare he try to manipulate her and me? Fucking unbelievable. Even acts of kindness aren’t always what they seem, and it’s terrible.

  But I also feel solid in a different way from how I usually do with Theodora. And I feel proud of myself—of this version of who I am—for not instinctively crumpling beneath a threatening tone like the old version would have.

  At my car, I juggle getting Theo into her car seat and making sure the man hasn’t gotten the dumb idea to follow us outside. I don’t know why he would, but that’s no reason to let my guard down; I don’t know what I’d do to him if he did come out here, but he doesn’t want to find out.

  Thankfully, the coast remains clear, so once the kiddo is secure, I get behind the wheel.

  “You know what?” I say as I buckle up. “How about we stop by the McDonald’s that’s closer to your house? That way we can get your mama an ice cream, too, and it won’t be very melty when we give it to her.”

  I’m happy the idea came to me. Not only will it get us farther away from that weirdo, but it will allow me to do something nice—

  “How come you called me your child?”

  My thoughts trip over the soft question and stumble to a halt.

  My use of that word catches up to me, blowing away my leftover unease and protectiveness and even my budding excitement about taking Noelle a sweet treat.

  I twist around in my seat.

  Theo is sitting still in hers, looking at me like…well, I don’t actually know, because I don’t think it’s an expression she has ever worn before.

  She waits for me to answer.

  But with my mind already full of so many things, I don’t know what to say.

  I end up with an equally soft, “Let’s talk about it when we get to the other McDonald’s, okay?”

  I can’t brush her off, don’t want to stay in this parking lot long enough to have a heart-to-heart with her, and don’t want to try to have it while I’m driving.

  She keeps giving me that look, but she nods.

  “It’ll be just a few minutes, okay?”

  “Okay.”

  I tip her a smile, then reach back and pat her knee, then face forward in my seat again.

  After I try to even out my breathing, I get us going.

  It’s tempting to think about what I need to say to her, especially once we’re out of the parking lot with me having seen the man still sitting inside the restaurant, truly no longer interested in us. But I know how distracting my thoughts could get, and there’s no way I’m going to risk ignoring whatever else she might chat about—or, worse, risk causing a car accident.

  So when we park at the other McDonald’s, I decide to sit in the backseat with her, but it takes me a minute to gather my words.

  She’s remarkably patient. We play Rock, Paper, Scissors while I think because it’s easy to do absentmindedly.

  When I finally seem to have my thoughts in order, I grin about how she just won this round, and then I sigh. Tilt my head. Study her.

  “Even though I’m just your Uncle Beck,” I say, “I love you so much that it feels like you’re my child. I’ll always love you that much. And I’ll always take care of you like that, no matter how old you get. So I called you that to the man with the birthday money because….”

  Because he triggered my defenses like no one had before.

  Because my emotional bond with Theo has become so solid that…well, she could easily be mine.

  Sighing again, I lightly pat at the top of her head. “Remember the other night when the lights went out at your house, and I told you I would beat up any monsters that tried to get you? I told you nobody wants to mess with me when it comes to you?”

  She nods, then takes my hand off her head and tucks it between her shoulder and ear. She cuddles it in a way that isn’t very comfortable for me but that I allow nonetheless.

  “Well, the man with the birthday money acted nice to you, but he didn’t feel nice to me. He felt different from the lady in the play area. And it upset me when he didn’t respect me protecting you, so that plus how important you are to me…it made me say what I said.”

  She nods again. “You didn’t beat him up real bad. Just a little. ‘Cause you did this.” She lets go of my hand only long enough to mime me knocking his away from her.

  “That’s right.” I blow a raspberry. “I’m sorry you missed out on ten bucks, but we had to do what we had to do.”

  “It’s okay. I didn’t want him to touch me.”

  A mixture of slithering fear, heightened protectiveness, and fresh anger swells up in me.

  I reply, “Well, he wasn’t about to get away with it. Uncle Beck was not having it. It’s really important that we listen to our stomachs when people don’t seem right to us.”

  “Yeah. Mommy told me that before.”

  I’ll make sure Noelle knows to revisit the topic, but to Theo, I just say, “Good.”

  Then I pause and summon the courage to say this next thing.

  In a way, it doesn’t seem like my actions would’ve hurt her, but there’s a chance they did. Her emotions are her own. Cliff dying left her without a dad, so regardless of how much she cares about me, she’s entitled to feel however she needs to feel about anything to do with him. She may not have liked me even accidentally stepping into that parent role.

  So I go on slowly and seriously. “Were you hurt in any way by me calling you that? My heart was in the right place, but…did it make you mad or sad? Because I’m extra sorry if it did, Theo.”

  Still nu
zzling my hand, she shakes her head and seems to stare off into space.

  “Are you sure? You can always be honest with me about how you feel.”

  “I am sure.”

  It’s all she offers, so I reckon it’s good enough for me.

  Shit, I hope I said at least some of this stuff right. These are complicated topics, and she’s so young, and—

  “Do you remember my daddy?”

  Do I…?

  Surprise and sadness twist up in my stomach.

  However, as she turns her eyes to me, all I see on her face is mild curiosity.

  I blink at it.

  Like she did a couple minutes ago, she waits patiently for me to speak.

  Somehow, it steadies me.

  “I sure do remember him,” I tell her. “I think about him a lot.”

  Her slight nod makes her pigtails bounce a bit, and it’s sweet—but the smile she’s suddenly giving me is sweeter.

  I smile back, then ask gently, “Do you think about him a lot too?”

  She nods again. “But I think about you all the time.”

  At that, my heart just about explodes.

  It definitely fires up into my throat and plants a massive ache there.

  Still, nothing can keep me from straight-up grinning back at her. Nothing.

  “You do?” I ask somehow weakly and brightly, finally taking my opportunity to tickle her neck with my trapped hand.

  She gasps and then erupts into laughter, trying to wiggle away even though she’s still hugging my hand.

  “Yes!” Her tone is bubbly and bright too.

  I cease the tickling, lean up and over, and plant a kiss on her hair. “Well, I think about you and your mama all the time, The-o-dor-a.”

  Once I’m back in my own space, I see she’s beaming.

  “Because you love us?” she asks.

  I nod big. “Because I love you so, so much.”

  That sentiment tries to mix up with what Noelle and I have been dealing with, but I don’t let myself think about it. It’s more important for me to giggle along with Theo, who has finally freed my hand and planted a cute kiss on the back of it.

  She tells me directly, “I love you,” as if I could ever need a reminder of that truth.

  And yet the reminder steadies me that much more.